I'm future faking someone...

[futurefakingfornow]

And I know I'm a coward but I think I ought to continue for the time being...

Hear me out:

Met a guy last year and fell into a FWB situation. He seemed lovely and the sex was out of this world. 😳 But as time went on he seemed to get more and more attached (I was happy with the casual set up as too busy for anything heavier). He started pushing for us to spend more time together and for more text contact. I couldn't really logistically spare more time at that point despite really liking him. It was causing him to get upset and as we were just starting to argue instead of enjoy our time together, I put an end to things in April.

He really lost it, said I'd led him on and that I was using him for an affair!!! He decided that because my ex partner (and father of my DC's) would look after the kids at my house whilst I was at work some evenings, that actually he must be living there and I was taking him for a mug. This was not true and the ex has a temporary living situation at the moment which should be resolved by the new year. We get on well and he is a good dad so I don't mind him hanging out at mine but I haven't had a relationship with him for years!!! I can see why the new guy got it into his head that he might have been being played - I do have unusual circumstances. But what he did next was unacceptable...

He stormed round to my house whilst I was at work one evening and my ex was looking after the kids and confronted my ex on the doorstep whilst the kids were awake! Basically saying; "she's been taking us both for mugs mate, been seeing us both at the same time - thought you should know the truth." Luckily my DC's were getting ready for bed upstairs and only just missed the commotion but they could have heard it. My ex then told him that we were long split up, nobody was being played and if he didn't fuck off from his children's property in the next 5 seconds, he'd live to regret it... So off he went.

Ex was pissed off with me but also supportive and I was mortified. I sent new man an angry text to say that if he ever came near me, my family or my property again then I would call the police. Then I blocked him on everything. I was pretty heart sore but was so annoyed that he'd done what he did to my ex (and potentially kids) just because he didn't trust me. I really missed him but I thought that was the end of it.

It was for a while. Until I did something really dumb.

I bumped into FWB guy on my way out of the supermarket in July. I tried to avoid him at first but he kept trying to talk to me, so I asked him what he wanted and he apologised for what he'd done. He was very genuinely sorry and said he'd not stopped kicking himself for the stupid way he'd behaved, that he'd grown so attached to me and acted like an arsehole. He said he had got it all wrong and had never behaved so stupidly before and never would again. Said he'd learnt his lesson and had lost out all because he'd let his emotions get the better of him. He said he was sorry he did that to me and to my ex and would never bother us again but just wanted to let me know as I'd blocked him and he felt I deserved sincere apologies. I thanked him and wished him the best of luck with everything in the future and
went on my way but it shook me up a bit as I was just starting to put him behind me and there he was looking all gorgeous and behaving like the gent I first met.

And then 4 days later, on a night out with the girls, I bumped into him again!!! I left a little earlier than my friends as I had a busy weekend ahead so went to the taxi rank at about 11:30/midnight and there he was waiting for a cab at the same time!!! He'd been in the bar over the road all evening apparently. It really threw me and he offered to share a taxi home (he lives about 6 roads away so same direction). I stupidly said yes as he'd been so genuine the night before so I thought - why not? Except almost as soon as we got in the back of the taxi we just looked at each other and started to kiss... (poor driver 🙈). Long story short, we got out at his place, went upstairs and had some seriously mind blowing sex. Twice. I ended up getting a taxi home from his at about 5am!!!

What an idiot. We'd had a bit of a talk in between having sex both times but I unblocked him the next morning on WhatsApp and the messages started again. We both said we should just leave it there as a one off. But we haven't been able to resist and have been sneakily seeing each other ever since. The sex is very addictive.

But just in the last month, despite agreeing to be casual, I can feel him getting pushy again. I realise now that he can't cope with taking things very slowly and that it's not fair to expect him to wait for my logistics to fit in with his. However, he makes me feel very uneasy and the threat of him kicking off and bringing trouble to my door again is still hanging unsaid in the air. He's already starting to sulk if I can't find time to see him every week or if I don't text back quick enough. He's making all these big plans for us for when I move to a new place next year and I have more time in my hands...

Except I'm now moving within the next 5 weeks!!! And further away than originally planned (will have to change one of my DC's school for example). I haven't told him this and don't intend to. I know it's awful and that this is my own stupid fault but he scares me and despite the amazing physical connection, I think he might have abusive undertones. For example, last weekend when I tried to leave his house the morning after the night before, he pinned me down on the bed and said "you're not going anywhere yet!" and kind of forced himself on me! I tried to relax and enjoy the sex but felt afterwards that what he did wasn't right and it was just a reminder that he is physically stronger and likes to remind me of that sometimes.

I've been a real idiot but I don't feel safe and I know I have to end it once and for all. So I guess what I'm asking is, should I pretend to be up for going along with all his future plans for the next month and then secretly move to my new house and finish it with him from afar? Or should I stop being a coward and tell him the truth now and take the consequences even though I have a horrible feeling that he might come and make more trouble for my ex and kids and I just don't feel safe? I know this is of my own making but it feels morally wrong to keep saying "I love you too/yes I can't wait until we can go on holiday/move in/you meet the kids" or whatever. But he just gives me the worst feeling - like I haven't yet seen what he's truly capable of... 😔

Jeez I'm an idiot...

You don't need to give all those reasons and justifications,
You don't need to explain the process by which you came to a decision
you just need to say:
this isn't working for me I'm going to end it

I agree the email is too long and fluffy.

How about,

Hello,

I am not enjoying our relationship anymore and I've decided it's time we stopped seeing one another. Please don't contact me again.

Best

Me

You don't need to explain or justify your decision, or anything else. Just tell him it's over, and ask him not to contact you again. And get your phone and any other device you have checked for tracking software before you send him this, not after.

Good luck!

I too am worried that the wording of your email leaves too much wiggle room for him to come back with "we can slow it down, take it at a pace that is good for the kids" etc. Remember how genuinely sorry he was in the supermarket?

The email will send him too many mixed messages.

A other pps have said it it needs to be short and to the point and without all the references to the future, how life could have been with him etc etc.
He his manipulative and dangerous.
You are very lucky that you have a very understanding ex who is willing to protect you, because you are going to need him when you try to get rid of the crazy guy!

Please don't use this type of wording :-
"I'm very sad it's come to this as I care for you a huge amount and was excited that we might be able to make it work."

He is not going to get a message saying it's over from reading that, it's going to sound like a challenge to him to make you continue seeing him.

Oh please, please, please don't send that long waffly e-mail. It's not even really a break up, just a way for him to apologise and persuade you to keep going. It honestly is exactly the kind of e-mail that makes you a big target for abusive men like him. Do not send that.

Please try something like (edited down and reworded from your original mail):

Dear XXX

Apologies for e-mailing rather than calling but sometimes I find it easier to find the right words when I write them down, and I don't want to confuse you.

I'm sorry, but I've decided to finish our relationship. We have had a lot of good times but I don't feel that we have a future together. We want different things and a different pace of relationship and I've grown to realise that we aren't compatible in the long term. My priority is, and always will be, my children and I can't enter into something that I don't feel is in their best interests.

In the interests of not drawing this out and of hurting you as little as possible I want to be really clear that this is final and I will not be changing my mind, so please don't try to persuade me as it will not work. I'd rather save the memories of the nice times we've had and say goodbye amicably than thrash it out when my mind is completely made up.

I wish you a very happy future.

OP

Also, just to add, he is a dangerous man and him trying to rush access to your children is the biggest red flag EVER. Do not ever see him again.

Please don't tell him he's a 'wonderful guy'. He's not. He forced you to have sex with him. That is rape.

Be clear and succinct. Tell him it's over and you don't want to see him again.

For your sake, and for your children's, step away and don't let him worm his way back.

Send Elizabeth's email OP. It is spot on. Good luck.

Yikes! It seems I really have got it a bit wrong with email! 😬 Back to the drawing board, lol! I thought if I outlined all the reasons why it wasn't working very clearly, that it wouldn't give him any reason to question what had gone wrong and keep coming to me for answers. But reading it back I think you may all be right - he'll see too much hope in the fact that I will miss him and try hard to backpedal his pushiness (for a while at least). It seems cold not to give any reasons but category your email is very good and to the point so I might well use that. Thank you.

Ex has offered to take the blame and said to say that I mentioned getting back together with FWB again and that he wasn't happy and expressly forbade me from ever introducing the kids to someone who would happily come to their house and cause problems. Bless him. But I don't want to lie and use my ex in that way as it could cause FWB to come after him!!! Probably not but I would feel terrible if anything happened. I really should just be honest.

I really don't want to think of it as rape. But I haven't seen him since that Sunday morning and I'd feel wary of sleeping with him again (despite how good it was before). It was rougher and more forceful, but I'm not sure if they intention was to make me feel nervous - I'm sure he wanted me to enjoy it too. But the fact is, something obviously wasn't quite right so it has to stop. 😔 Worrying - I didn't properly stop him though so I'd have nothing to report really.

He's been in touch over text and I've just told him I've got a really bad headache (true) so I'm going to try and have a paracetamol and a quick nap to see if it goes away so will talk to him later. The next time I speak to him will be to finish it...

I am a people pleaser. Soft as shit really. Will look into that freedom programme...

Wow these email examples are brilliant - thank you so much!!!

The ex is very nice, but it needs to be you that doesn't want to be in the relationship, not outside forces forcing you apart, like some sort of Romeo and Juliet scenario. You're ending it cos it's not right for you. he can answer the door and say she doesn't want to see you and whatnot if it came to it, but not be behind the split.

Keep it short and to the point.

I'm writing this to let you know I have to end our relationship right now.
It's not working for me.
Please do not contact me again.

Then for goodness' sake get a new phone or at least have someone who knows what they are doing check if he's tracking you.

Upthread you said he describes himself as a dom and you weren't sure what that meant, but it has alerted you to his 'shadow side' and you feel he is dangerous. He demonstrated that when he forced you. Please do some research and don't be conned into communicating with him in any way after you send that email.
You need a clean break from him.

Good Luck

I would prune Elizabeth's email down even further as follows:

Dear XXX

I have decided to finish our relationship. I don't feel that we have a future together.

We want different things and a different pace of relationship and I realise that we aren't compatible in the long term.

My priority is, and always will be, my children and I can't enter into something that I don't feel is in their best interests.

I want to be really clear that this is final and I will not be changing my mind. Please don't try to persuade me as it will not work. My mind is completely made up.

I wish you a happy future.

OP

Yes to a short email if you have decided that's what you want to do.

You need to be really careful, I think, as something too curt might tip him into a rage. But definitely also ageee anything that gives him a metaphorical foot to wedge in your emotional door needs to be avoided too.

Whatever you do please make sure you are not physically alone with him again to explain your decision.

After a lot of careful thought I have decided that I do not want to be on a relationship with you or have you in my life in any capacity. I've set this out here in an email as I am uncomfortable with sharing this with you in person.

There are several reasons for my decision. I suspect you know a few of them yourself already. I considered changing my number, blocking you on email etc but that's not me and I want to be honest with you.

Please don't contact me to try to change my mind or discuss things. You are entitled to feel whatever you do and might not agree but you will have to accept my decision as it final.

I wish you the best for your future but I will not in any way be a part of it.

Personally i would avoid mentioning your kids, the ex, what you once felt. It is unnecessary clutter. By alluding to the fact you suspect he ought to have some idea why you've ended it, you are also politely but firmly making it clear there are unacceptable aspects to his behaviour.

Second everything about it being to long and fluffy, quite like you in that regard and have had to learn to shorten messages myself. Short and to the point, don't give him any rope to cling to.

Don't give him reasons. He might then try to "reason" you out of this decision. Just tell him it's over and that's that.

I like Ellie's version the best.

I might be tempted to put in something about feeling pressured and not wanting that. It can be good to put things like that in writing.

if you say you are ending it because he did xyz he will reply that he promises not to do xzy again and will argue that the relationship doesnt need to end

I suggest something like
Im mailing to let you know that I no longer want to continue with our relationship and so I am ending it.
Or, this isnt working for me and so I'm breaking up with you

Another vote for Ellie.

No room to argue with you. What's he going to come back... tell you that he doesn't agree you know what's best for you and your family?

I agree, though he might still have an answer, Shifty. I had a controlling ex who, on our last ever call, when I told him I didn't want to see him, shouted at me that I was "choosing fear"! The thing is, to just keep on going in your lane (so to speak) and not let them push you into theirs. You know what you want. They don't.