DD (3) allegedly distressed after visit with me....

[Locksbrook]

My ex wife has recently moved away with our DD.

I've always had her every weekend until she moved and we have a very good relationship. DD also has a good relationship with my partner and her DC.

DD now stays with us for a week at a time. She has done this many times before in the past. She is always very settled, laid back and happy here.

My ex has said that upon returning to DD is clingy and distressed, following her around the house crying.

Why could this be happening? My ex could be making this up of course. She has mental health problems (anxiety and depression) which makes me worry that if this is true that DD is reacting negatively to this...

Your DD probably misses you. I think this is normal.

She could have anxiety separation related to her mother and although she's had a lovely time with you when she gets back to her mum she is overwhelmed with having her back. It doesn't mean she's not happy being with you.
If ex is saying it and maybe implying DD shouldn't be coming if she's distressed then make it clear that she is certainly not upset when she's with you - film her if you must (without DDs knowledge obviously) and show your ex that she's fine

Thank you for your replies. Do you thinking that she misses me or has missed her mother?

Its really really hard for a three year old to have two homes. Penelope Leach has written some useful stuff in her book about seperation which explains it and gives ideas to make it easier.

If you honestly have a very good relationship then I dare say the poor little soul is just unsettled with her DM moving away. She misses you while she's with her DM and her DM when she's with you. I can see why her DM would be worried but I would think your DDs behaviour is relatively normal.

Thank you. I just don't understand why she is so unsettled to the point of being hysterical when with her mother after seeing me, but never the other way round.

I know you probably dont want to hear this but perhaps a week is too long for dd right now. She is 3. Smaller chunks of time might be better. She seems to be suffering separation anxiety. Perhaps smaller chunks more frequently and/or possibly depending on how well everyone gets on extending handover times by you and ex spending more time together with dd before one of you departs. Hope this makes sense.

A week is a really long time to a three year old. Could you do shorter visits for a while?

There's quite a lot of research into this, if her mother was primary carer then she will have her primary attachment bond to her mother.

This isn't the same as love BTW. Attachment bonds are very important for social and emotional development. She may love you both equally but her primary attachment bond may be to her mother. This is why the courts when applying the welfare checklist say that continuity is important.

Research generally finds that for small children contact with their other parent is better for the child if it is very regular and in small bursts than for long periods.

I agree it is a lot to expect a three year old to do a full week with the non-primary carer parent and this is probably separation anxiety.

I'm not sure what you can really do about it though since your ex is the one who has chosen for it to be like this really by moving away.

She is three and attachment bonds are most important for development between birth and three.

I don't think you are going to help things by immediately deciding everything your ex says is crap because 'she has mental health problems' though. Either she is able to care for DD or she is too unwell and you should be taking action to protect DD.

I was going to type out an answer but Offred put it much more eloquently than I ever could!

What Offred said. It's normal. She clearly has a good bond with you but that doesn't mean that it's not disruptive for her to be away from her primary attachment figure for N extended period.

Agree look up the Penelope Leach advice about how to support your wee one. It's important that she can phone her Mum or talk about her Mum, even if she is upset while doing so. Her being upset is normal and doesn't mean that there is anything "wrong".

She has regularly spend weeks with me at a time since she was born. Her mother has moved her 300 miles away which has been very difficult for DD. It means it's difficult to have a short visit.

A week is a long time for a little one to be away from their primary care giver. This may not be in your child's best interests. It's nota reflection on her love for you and how happy she is when she is in your home.

She never asks for her mother while here, if she did I'd be more than happy to call or FaceTime her.

It could be a case of all her feelings of anxiety and missing her mother build up over the week with you and when she gets home she is able to let it all out.

My niece is 7 and spends EOW with her father. The school have told my sister that her behaviour is noticeably off for several days after this.

What a lovely father you are. That's all I wanted to say.

What a lovely father you are. That's all I wanted to say.

Based on what?

Children (and adults tbh!) often don't even know themselves what it is that's bothering them; I wouldn't rely on your daughter to even realise that the stress of missing her mother is building up, let alone to tell you, if she does realise it.

Just to reinforce the idea that attachment is separate from love, as a child my relationship with my mother was not easy at all, but she was always the familiar point I got back to.

That is such a long way. Perhaps you should initiate calling her mum when with you, not at bedtime but perhaps before something fun or interesting, showing that you and mum can work together even if apart. This may be reassuring.
Has she photos of mum at yours, can she bring a favourite toy?
Can you visit her sometimes, or stay with her in new hometown (hostel or camping are cheap) to make the split less severe. Think about how the pickup and drop off is managed. Let her take something from yours, ring her at her mums. Perhaps she can make or draw something to take to mum from your place.

But how do you know it is true? Your ex could be hoping you will say to leave her visits for a while, because it is upsetting her.
Have you tried FaceTiming your DD when she gets back to her DM's to see if she is actually hysterical?

Yes, offred has got it spot on with everything said. At 3 she's so emotionally immature and this is her way of 'letting out' her emotions surrounding the anxiety she has no control over as she can't articulate her feelings. As she gets older things will settle down for her with the visits but also agree that a week at the moment is too long for her.

Have you tried FaceTiming your DD when she gets back to her DM's to see if she is actually hysterical?

So either he face times at a time where there is a distressed child and a mother trying to settle her after a week away and suddenly they have to put on smiles for daddy or he face times at a moment when she isn't distressed and this proves she is never distressed? Or do you want the mum to film her in secret?