DD (3) allegedly distressed after visit with me....

[Locksbrook]

My ex wife has recently moved away with our DD.

I've always had her every weekend until she moved and we have a very good relationship. DD also has a good relationship with my partner and her DC.

DD now stays with us for a week at a time. She has done this many times before in the past. She is always very settled, laid back and happy here.

My ex has said that upon returning to DD is clingy and distressed, following her around the house crying.

Why could this be happening? My ex could be making this up of course. She has mental health problems (anxiety and depression) which makes me worry that if this is true that DD is reacting negatively to this...

It's very hard for a three year old to handle two parents in two different homes, two different routines, a big trip and not seeing the other parent for days at a time, and it's clear that you don't feel too positively about your child's mum at the moment which your dd is also likely to pick up on. Of course the poor little thing is clingy and upset after a huge transition. That doesn't mean either you or your ex are doing anything wrong or causing it.

Other than pointing out to your ex that it must be really hard for so young a child to handle the distance and big long visits because frequent shot ones aren't possible, and that children often release bottled up stress to their primary attachment figure in behaviour - it's a backhanded compliment in a way - it's something you just have to help your daughter learn to cope with. It's no ones fault, but your little dd has a lot to cope with compared to many three year olds.

TBH I wouldn't answer a FaceTime call just after getting my child back from a week away. Not from anyone, but definitely not from the person who has just had her for the whole week who wanted to check up on me!

But IF the child is upset after leaving her Dad's, Facetiming might actually help the child settle back in with her Mum.

She's too little to articulate that she needs to speak to her mum. The adults need to facilitate this for her. Please tell me she doesn't go a whole week without facetiming her mum. A week is such a long time at that age.

Forgive me OP but there is a slight edge of defensiveness here, like you're trying to say "well, I'M not doing anything wrong, DD is happy when she's with ME so it must be all my ex". This isn't how it works

Would it be possible to try Facetiming her mum while she's at yours routinely, and see how you get on like that - don't wait for her to ask, she's 3! She may well be detecting at a pre-verbal level the same undercurrent of your defensiveness/impatience with your ex that I'm detecting just reading your post.

I agree, perhaps discuss with mum about her being able to facetime each parent she's not with so that she knows there's the connection with each

Does her mother get on with her? I say this as I know of incidents where actually the bond between mother and dc isn't there, but they are the defacto parent and the dc has to lump it

i also know from adult dc who were doing alternate weeks with both parents that it's hugely disruptive and renders them effectively homeless in that neither is their home

Sounds like she is actually happy to be with you if she's not hysterical when she comes to you. You are clearly providing a safe and happy place for her and i would say the clingyness is because she misses you

It's a very difficult situation. Her mother had been taking drugs while DD was in her care and had been in a relationship with a violent criminal. Social services had been involved without my knowledge... she has now taken DD 300 miles away. It's all the more shocking as we had a pretty much 50/50 shared care arrangement and I had no idea what was happening.

I think there are a lot of replies here that are trying to shoot you down for trying to do the best by your child.
You don't have a perfect world of being able to be with her everyday or even to do short overnight visits but that is not your fault and you shouldn't be made to feel bad about actually wanting to play an active part in your child's life.

I have a step child from otherhalfs previous relationship and from the off at 2ish we had him for full weekends as there was a distance involved too.
To our knowledge he did not have hysterics going back but it was a bit of an adjustment for him. But continuing with a routine made it a easier to get used to and never caused any traumatic lasting damage!
I think your ex is trying to stick needles into you by telling you this, what will it achieve aside from making you feel guilty for wanting to actually get some quality time and continue a bond with your daughter?

I know I will likely get a bit of flack from this but I guess no one has 100% the right answer when it comes to kids and you should just do what is right for you and your own family, no one else's business really.......

But IF the child is upset after leaving her Dad's, Facetiming might actually help the child settle back in with her Mum.

No, settling back in with her mum will help her settle back in with her mum. Obviously

If she is letting out all those built up feelings at home because she can't let them out at dad's (for whatever reason) then dad suddenly appearing on the phone while she is distressed is not gong to help her work through them. It will make her feel she can't let them out even at home incase dad turns up on the phone every time and tells her to stop being upset!

Dad needs to work on making sure she is feeling as secure and comfortable as she can be with him so she doesn't feel she has to keep all her feelings in whilst there. But she is 3 so it's not going to be instant. It will take a while to get there.

that is quite a drip feed.

Oh wow! Massive dripfeed. So you're going through court to get DD living with you I assume?

Every weekend isn't 50/50 shared care.

Thank you. I just don't understand why she is so unsettled to the point of being hysterical when with her mother after seeing me, but never the other way round.

This is perfectly normal for a child of her age.

When she is with you, she will be experiencing emotions that she doesn't have the maturity to understand or express.

Also, however good you think your relationship is with her, she feels safer and more able to express her distress with her mother. The fact that you can't see evidence of her distress while she's with you does not mean they aren't happening.

You need to stop any thoughts that your ex is making this up. You also need to make sure that you never tell her not to express these emotions when the gets home. Some non-resident parents put pressure on their children to hide this distress and it causes them more distress while denying them a safety valve.

You need to:

1. Acknowledge your DDs distress to her and to your ex.
2. Work with your ex to see if there is any way to make contact shorter and more often.
3. Encourage facetime/phone contact during the weeks she is with you even if she isn't asking for it.
4. Try strategies like bringing a piece of clothing that smells of her mum for her to cuddle/sleep with when she is missing her.

She might be more distressed at her mum's because that is the new place - in totally unfamiliar surroundings.

My mum moved 150 miles away with me when I was four, and it was from a lovely old house in the countryside to a little flat in Basildon. My old schoolbooks from that time are full of stories I wrote about how my daddy lives far away etc. It's not easy.

She’s so tiny. The week away probably shakes up her world and her distress could be disorientation. It’s hard doing that, as a young child.

Oh, dripfeed. Oh well.

I agree that a week away is probably a bit much at this age. My DC was 4 when my exH left and it was over a year before she stayed with him for more than 4 nights because she missed me too much. She was fine when she was there so he wasn't aware but it transpired that her way of coping was almost pretending I didn't exist (and vice Versa when she was with me). I couldn't FaceTime or ring her when she was there because that was a reminder that I wasn't there. Her dad insisted on ringing when she was with me but each phone call left her very upset afterwards. It absolutely wasn't the case that spending time with him was a"bad thing" just that being away from me was difficult. We're a few years on now and the distress had passed thankfully. The danger for you is that her distress is interpreted as meaning that she shouldn't visit. You need to work together on this and ensure that contact is maintained, but in a way that makes her the least distressed (e.g. For us we worked out that me dropping her off and leaving always ended badly whereas him picking her up was less stressful).

Offred has it spot on. You say your DD only does this when she goes back to her mum. Children often release their emotions with the person they feel safest with so this may be why she behaves this way when she goes back to her mum. That's not a criticism against you at all, it just sounds like your DDs attachment is with her mum.

It's good you want to try and understand why your DD is behaving like this.

It sounds like a really difficult situation. If you could find a way to see her more often for shorter periods it would probably really help her.

I find with my DS he is on good behaviour when he's with his Dad (who he is close to and happy with). It means sometimes he will be lovely and laid back with his Dad then come back to my house and get very emotional (grumpy, whingey, cheeky, crying and sobbing) for a little while. And he's 5 and this is just after his one overnight per week (it was worse when he was 3). His Dad often says "well, he's fine when he's with me..." if I ever mention it - I think he is baffled by it and thinks it is something I'm doing/not doing!

I think your DD is just letting out some emotion regarding the difficulty of the situation. Transitions are very hard for them especially aged just 3 (aware of what's going on but not able to process the emotion of it). I don't know what the answer is - regular faceitmes going both ways sound good. Can you cut the visits down a little in length for the time being? Maybe discuss going back to her mum with her in the day before she does and talk about her mum a bit while she is with you - maybe a photo of her (DS has a photo of him and his Dad on his bedside table and a trophy thing that his Dad gave him)? Could you visit her for the odd day/overnight in a hotel rather than bringing her back to yours (maybe in between longer visits)?

What does her mum suggest you do to fix this? Does she want to reduce visits? I think in some ways it is a good sign that your DD is expressing her emotions, I've always told DS it is OK to cry and comforted him and been very gentle which I think has helped him deal with the emotions and let them out. I think time will help, as she learns to process it all.

I also got DS a couple of books about having two homes and talked to him about other kids in the same situation so he knew he wasn't the only one.

Oops, you posted your latest update while I was typing that OP so not all relevant now.

A 3year old is a creature of routine and changes often cause distress. I think this is just a reaction to moving between two homes and two routines that are totally different.

I’d look at simpler reasons before you start looking at your ex wife’s environment. Also talk to your ex to see how she handles your DD

Her mother had been taking drugs while DD was in her care
What kind of drugs? Illegal or for her anxiety?
Has the violent criminal now left?
Massive drip feed
I assume you've tried to get custody, as her homelife is so shocking?

If you're concerned about your dd's welfare in her mother's care then that's a different matter entirely to the concerns you first raised. Why suddenly announce drug taking and violent boyfriends?

She could be clingy and following her mother around the house because she has got used to your house full of children and lots of attention and wants that from her own mother. Who knows?

I agree, the poor girl has had a lot of upheaval in her short life and it's likely that she's feeling very insecure.
Be extremely careful about being negative about her mother in earshot. That is very confusing and upsetting for a child.

So your ex took drugs, was in an inappropriate relationship with ss involvement and has taken your dd half way across the country. Why did she move? Have you taken legal advice?

Yes she's anxious. Do the facetime time when she stays, don't ask her or encourage it, make it normal...

Also her mum needs to facetime you too if this is not something that's happening.