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Original poster

The man who'd claimed he's exclusive with me is arranging for sex with randoms on Instagram

70 replies

Artemisi · 27/09/2017 20:38

I've been dating this guy for a while and he claimed we were exclusive. I thought I was in love. He told me he'd never felt such a connection. A few days ago I became suspicious after an acquaintance mentioned that my guy is a well-known player and, to quote her, "will f*ck anything, from age 16 to age 100, especially if they are gullible or willing to give him money."

That is quite a statement. Obviously I was alarmed. My bestie came up with a plan to see what he's capable of. She followed him using a fake account on his business Instagram and posted a slightly flirtatious comment about how nice it was to meet him. He replied openly on the IG asking her if she was free this Saturday. Then he went into private messages with her and asked her if she likes sex, told her he can take her anywhere she wants on Saturday night and that he can give her whatever she wants, be that a boyfriend or just casual sex, it's all up to her. He gave her his number and gave her a time and place to meet on Saturday. He asked for her age. She gave her fake age of 19. This man is 40 (I'm late 30s).

She asked him if he's definitely single. He said that yes he broke up with his girlfriend just last week and that he'd been with the gf for 6 months. He said "I'm a completely free agent."

I feel so completely humiliated right now. Finding it difficult to cope Sad

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacle · 27/09/2017 22:53

I'd ask him out on Saturday night. Then watch him go into panic mode with friend. Them stand him up.

Annelind · 27/09/2017 22:56

Alternative - I disagree. Not one more second should OP waste on this wankstain. BLOCK AND GHOST*

LoyaltyAndLobster · 27/09/2017 23:04
Flowers
WellThisIsShit · 28/09/2017 05:46

Oh dear, am sorry, how horrible for you

Barbaro · 28/09/2017 06:04

Don't give him a label as being narcissistic. Doubtful he is, he's just a twat. Dump him.

SpikeGilesSandwich · 28/09/2017 06:30

Get your friend to arrange a date with him on Saturday night and then you turn up instead just to see his face when he realises. Take some mates with you so you can laugh at him then turn your back, forget the idiot and have a great night.

elfinpre · 28/09/2017 06:35

If they have been dating for a while, won't he have been to the OP's house? It surely just isn't as simple as blocking someone online as he will be knocking on the door to find out what's happening. I think dumping by text would be more sensible and satisfying than ghosting.

Annelind · 28/09/2017 09:19

Good point elfinpre my worry though is that if she texts him he'll wheedle his sorry way back into OP's life

Original poster
Artemisi · 28/09/2017 09:43

When she told him she's looking for a boyfriend not just a hookup, he replied "I can do that."

How can he offer that to someone he's never met? It all feels a bit sociopathic

OP posts:
Annelind · 28/09/2017 10:20

He's clearly one of those men who agree to anything initially to get sex. Remember the faux person (your friend) he is contacting is supposedly 19 and therefore impressionable. He is in his 40s and must think he's won the shag jackpot. I understand why you are mulling his behaviour over in your mind, but it really is quite simple. He thinks with his dick.

DianaT1969 · 28/09/2017 10:27

OP should text him that she's met someone else. Is madly in love. Sorry to finish it by text, but needs to cut contact quickly to concentrate on her new man. That should put a nice dent in his ego.

SparklyMagpie · 28/09/2017 10:36

What a sleazy sick!

Glad you found out now OP

Id just go no contact now. You deserve better

SparklyMagpie · 28/09/2017 10:36
  • dick not sick
solsbury · 28/09/2017 10:51

yep, I unfortunately got involved with someone very similar - and your friend is right, narcissistic personality disorder through and through. Thing is they can be utterly charming and so convincing, and get such a kick out of themselves. They can cause such harm, will lie and lie to just save their own skin. Whilst you are shocked and will naturally want answers, I really urge you to just cut contact, ghosting really is the best thing to do in this instance.

Original poster
Artemisi · 28/09/2017 11:08

What happened with your gut in the end solsbury?

OP posts:
solsbury · 28/09/2017 11:20

It was quite traumatic if I'm honest. Very intense at first, he was incredibly keen and what seemed to me to be "romantic", with hindsight now he was on the complete charm offensive, then out of nowhere he went cold, leaving me utterly flummoxed. I should have walked away at that point, but I then got the apologies, the begging, poor him, it's all because of his past, his ex wife, being treated badly, blah blah, you're an angel etc etc. I can see now he was taking advantage of my nature, reeled me back in. Only for it to go in cycles, 3 years this went on. it's 2 years since I cut contact and I can now see it for what it was, I've also read up a fair bit on NPD - something I had never encountered before. Some of the things I now know he did would take your breath away in the sheer audacity. the situation you describe is exactly the sort of thing he did, except I only found out afterwards. It caused a great deal of hurt and damage. There's a great book called something like "Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl" - it was so bang on it was eerie. See if you can get hold of that.

Honestly, to cut him out now will save you so much pain and hassle. I mean, what he's done is absolutely deal breaking here. No doubt he will have some long winded "explanation", or minimize what you are (well you weren't really my girlfriend / I haven't actually done anything wrong, I haven't met up with anyone / it was a silly mistake, I have low self esteem and was looking for approval, I'm really sorry, it's you I really want...etc etc) but this is probably how he's behaved his whole adult life. Save yourself!!

Justbreathing · 28/09/2017 11:43

block him on everything.
don't even give him a chance to explain, because he will try as solbury says

yetmorecrap · 28/09/2017 13:18

Turn up OP, say fancy meeting you here, I'm xxxx and throw a drink over him , you will feel so much more in control I think and he gets humiliated in the process

Original poster
Artemisi · 28/09/2017 14:20

@solsbury this is eerily similar to my experience with him. And you know what, I'm familiar with that book you mentioned. I've recently started reading everything on the Baggage Reclaim site.

In the text exchange with the fake profile he told her broke up with his girlfriend last week. That makes me wonder if he really did have a 2nd girlfriend he kept secret. Otherwise, why would he say that? Why not just pretend he's single and been single a while?

OP posts:
solsbury · 28/09/2017 14:31

They will say anything to paint themselves in a good light - from my experience, he had a hugely inflated sense of his own importance, could not see where he had possibly offended or upset anyone with behaviours he thought were funny or audacious, but were in fact really inappropriate. Got a kick out of associating with "important" or wealthy people, saw his children as extensions of himself and would brag of their achievements, could never see when he was being boorish, often talked about past relationships, and often thought loads of women were attracted to him when in fact they weren't. And yes, did the whole "I've never had this connection before with anyone"....I became seriously ill (nothing related to him!) and he had already checked out before my treatment started as everything was no longer all about him.

I think with these men, they think they are cleverer than they are, and so his reply about whether he was single was just something that rolled off his tongue. You can't apply "normal" moral frameworks or rationale on people like this, they don't adhere to normal moral standards. In many areas, they don't have any!

Annelind · 28/09/2017 14:33

Trying to fathom the mindset of this loser is pointless. Just be glad you found out his true character sooner rather than later. Hold your head high, and realise you are worth so much more. Try not to give him so much headspace - after all, he was hardly thinking about you during his pursuit of the '19 year old' was he?

Original poster
Artemisi · 28/09/2017 14:56

@Annelind one of the best ways to avoid making the same mistakes in future can be to take a look at what red flags might have been missed etc with this relationship. I'm sure I must have somehow missed a few. Hence my questions and trying to figure out what I missed.

OP posts:
Myheartbelongsto · 28/09/2017 21:14

I once arranged to meet my husband via an online dating app, the cheating bastard.

My best work was when I found his fake vagina and delivered it to him personally at his work place.

Don't feel humiliated op, be glad this piece of shit is gone.

Original poster
Artemisi · 29/09/2017 14:24

He has been messaging the fake profile again today:

'Am I going to see your sweet young self tomorrow. I wanna take you to the stars'

'Let's just say guys like me are not ur average tom dick and harry...but defo know how to make a young women like you feel great.'

'Let's just go with the flow and see where the night goes. Anything is possible. We can go for a meal first, have a chat......and then we see.'

OP posts:
Original poster
Artemisi · 29/09/2017 14:30

@Myheartbelongsto so he kept a fake vagina among his belongings?!

OP posts: