Would you ignore these warning signs? Nightmare boyf?

[Sammy3519821982]

Ive been with someone a year and we dont live together. He is an extrememly clean and tidy person and very organised...eg finances. Immaculate house.

He used to joke "we can live together when u complete your training".. jokingly referring to housework. Hes stopped this now but still makes jokes like "when we live together youll have no time for x y z as youll be hoovering all time.. cringey "joke".

He commented that we have "different standards" which was insulting altho he accepted he has above average high standards which are ott. I moved house recently and he used to say "when u have a new place youll want to treat it really well" (my flat was always clean n tidy.. not immaculate tho!)

He goes on about how tired he is and how much he has "to do".. he lives alone in a nice house. Makes a huge deal of how ges washed my towel or hoovered up my hair in bathroom lol (i am very clean n tidy at his but yes i have ling hair and malt lol!)

He once said his friends say he needs a gf but he says he needs a cleaner

I know this all sounds like silly petty banter but im worried living with this guy would be a nightmare :-/

Anyone else live with someone like this and find its ok??

Who cares about how he sees it in his eyes, he's a complete tosser. And you have been accepting this, for some time since you say it took him a year to give you a key to his place. He's awful.

That its not so much controlling behaviour but "correcting"
NOPE!!!
It's very controlling behaviour.
Stop trying to find ways around this.
Just end it.

Match.com is not the best dating site.
Get yourself on Tinder or Bumble
They can't even message you unless you 'match' and it's so easy to 'unmatch' someone.
Just have some fun but ditch the abusive prick and do it fast.
Like TODAY!!!

Please take a break from dating to do the Freedom Programme. Your boundaries need some work to spot abusers like this.

What expat said OP, divorced, it got messy.

I've read all the advice everybody is giving you and I'm practically jumping up and down saying 'yes, yes!'. I wish I'd had it, although I'm not sure I'd have given it the weight it deserves.

'He isn't joking' and 'he is telling you who he is' are absolutely true.

I used to think his grumpiness was part of an act. Everybody knew him as grumpy, it was something he sort of played up to and made it quite funny. I used to kid myself it was more of an 'aloofness' in a sexy Mr Darcy way but in reality he was about as sexy as Victor Meldrew.

He used to tell me a lot about how selfish he was, couched with a joke of course. And I used to think 'no you're not, you are not selfish, you took me on a surprise trip to Rome!' Failing to remind myself that I had to pay for everything when we got there even though he knew I was skint.

The heating was an issue with him as well. It still is. He doesn't heat his house properly for our daughter. We still argue about this even now we're not together.

It used to be funny that he'd count biscuits and decide which ones were allowed to be eaten by a ridiculous point system. But then he publicly humiliated me in a Chinese restaurant when I wanted fried rice. And the day before we split, we were in Copenhagen and he went to buy our DD an ice cream but wouldn't 'allow' me to have one. For my own good. He knew I wanted to lose weight and was helping me.

The fact he was close to his mum started out sweet but he never put mine or his daughter's needs over hers.

So much more, but they are the things that resonate with your story. Sorry it was so long I just wanted to emphasise everyone else's points and show you how that turned out for me.

Good luck!

Thanks again everyone. I think partly why ive stuck with him is that altho he exhibits some slightly controlling behaviour in other ways he isnt..my friend asked me to go on hol to spain with her and i deecided i couldnt..money and not enough annual leave but he encouraged me to arrange a trip with her.. controlling men wouldnt encourage this. But then on the other hand he has insinuated that if we lived together and had kids it wouldnt be ideal for me to go away and leave him with kids. Maybe hes ok now as not living together but if marrued and lived together and kids wtc he would comment more on where im going and how much im spending..

Oh one other thing! (Sorry!).. he once joked "give me all your money(salary) and i will look after it for you"... hes v.into shares etc.. but that was a very odd comment early on..red flag!

Thanks go go delores.. i couldnt see your whole post imitally..on my phone .. but have now. And i have read your latest msg.. gosh your ex sounds awful.. i do worry my partner will get to that stage.. I need to end it. Thank you so much again for all your advice and sharing your experiences.

Controlling me would encourage this. They aren't controlling all the time, because if they were, you wouldn't stick around.

They do just enough normal/nice things to have you questioning yourself.

Move in with him only on the proviso that he pays for a cleaner. Win/win!

I told my husband I wouldn't move in unless we had a dishwasher!

Yes a controlling man would encourage you to do something you had decided not to do for good reasons...

You have a weird idea about what controlling behaviour is. Controlling behaviour is not just stopping you doing things, it's where the other person interferes in your life with a view to replace you ideas about things with theirs. It can be subtle and is not limited to outright telling you 'you can't...'

He gave you permission to go to Spain. He was still controlling.

I would have a very serious think about what life would be like if you lived with and had a child with him and you’re on mat leave earning no money and solely dependent on him to buy food, clothes, haircut and he expects you to maintain perfection in the house even tho you’re knackered and taking care of a baby. I’d think and run while you can.

If you hire a cleaner there will be no problems. There are things far worse than extreme ckenkiness

If you hire a cleaner there will be no problems
Hahahaha - have you read the whole thread????
That would solve nothing.
And he wouldn't let OP get one anyway as it would be a waste of money.
If he questions her about a 5p bag then he will certainly question the expense of a cleaner!

I just want to say that having OCPD doesn't necessarily make you an arsehole. My husband is the loveliest man I know but he has these traits, although not about cleaning (thankfully!) He knows where every penny goes, he will NEVER break rules or miss commitments, he gets really really twitchy about things that go against his perceived norms. Even small stuff like following flat pack instructions to the letter, if it says it takes two people and I do it alone while he's at work it pickles his head. He was brought up with a two biscuit rule so I wind him up by putting three biscuits in his lunch. Stuff like that.

I am the polar opposite. I'm flighty, sketchy and have a lackadaisical attitude to rules. Somehow we complement each other. We both recognise that neither of our extremes are particularly great, and we work hard not to let any of our traits get in the way of life.

Your boyfriend just sounds like an arsehole.

I have experience of a man like this: hiring a cleaner would make no difference. He would pick at other things and find fault with the cleaner (and expect you to address them).

In my experience the controlling starts off so subtly that you think it is concern, unfortunately it isn't concern at all it is all about him controlling you and making you do things his way. My ex would spend money on himself and whilst never ever saying to me not to do something expensive I just wouldn't because of the way he said things. When pregnant with my youngest he arranged laser eye surgery for himself (when it cost £2,500 for both eyes without talking to me first). I had terrible trouble with my teeth during pregnancy and after an abscess under one whilst pregnant ended up with a badly destabilised tooth. Was told by dentist I really needed it removed and an implant to replace it, went home and told my ex and whilst he didn't say no just said 'how much is that going to cost me' when I said it was £1,000 he said 'how much!!!' In an annoyed way. It doesn't sound bad written down but the way he said it meant I shouldn't have it done because I was on maternity leave and not earning. I paid much less to have it crowned despite dentist saying it wouldn't last due to site of infection still being at the roots. 13 years later I am still suffering, now he is an ex I am going to have the implant.

"hr has good points and wants same from life as me.. family kids settle down."
Well, you might think he wants the same from life as you, but that's not how it would be. Your vision of 'family kids settle down' - does it include kids being ruled with a rod of iron? His vision of 'family kids settle down' does. He told you so.

Oh, wait, it was a joke. NO. He does NOT joke.

He just couches his expectations in a way that makes it difficult to challenge him. He can always claim he was 'just joking'. What he really means is, he'll drop it for the moment then joke about it again later, until you stop challenging him.

He will not change. Ditch now, waste no more time on him.