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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I love him but he's never happy

106 replies

PressForPancakes · 26/09/2017 11:01

I love my DP very much. I'm 30s, he's 40s. We've been together for nearly five years, no children.

He suffers from clinical depression on and off. His family are very negative people and he seems to have been raised to have an extremely cynical view of the world, which makes me sad. I wish I could inject some magic into him.

He is kind and has a good heart. He'd do anything for anyone. We aren't well off, but sometimes, when we have been on our way out to dinner or a pub, he has walked past a homeless person and given them £100 or whatever he had in his pockets and offered to book them into a hotel.

He currently seems to be going through another bout of depression and is taking ADs as well as seeking help through the NHS. The thing is, nothing is ever right. I try to support him emotionally, as well as with his work and interests and dreams, but he says that he feels he is just a 'suppprting role' in my life. He wasn't ready to buy a house together or get married a year or so ago (he has his own properties) so I bought my own flat. He isn't happy with this arrangement and says that he feels like a 'paying guest' and says he wants a garden, that he misses having a garden. I found us an allotment but I don't think it's the same. He says that he feels he's just 'going along with things' but I involve him in everything I can and always try to find a compromise we agree on. Except six months down the line, he'll then say that actually he wasn't happy with that and it wasn't really what he wanted to do.

It's been like this throughout our whole relationship and I find myself wondering what I could do to ever make him happy. Sometimes he talks about children and thinks they will make him happy, but he doesn't seem to realise that I don't feel secure enough with him for us to start a family. He thinks I don't want children. Actually, he seems to blame me for a lot of his unhappiness in some form or another.

I've suggested we break up several times but he says he doesn't want that, that we need to work on things. I used to think it was me and that I was the problem but as time goes on, I wonder if he is just not able to be truly happy with anyone under any circumstances.

I don't know if he really loves me, though he claims to and he is very good to me. I want him to be enthusiastic about me and about us and our lives together, not down in the mouth about it all. Sometimes we have such fun and adventures, but this seems to be increasingly far and few between.

This morning I suggested again that we break up but he just looked very sad and said he didn't want that, that we had to work on things. He asked me if I wanted him to 'go away', like he'd done something bad. Sad

I love him and can't imagine a life without him, but I also can't imagine plodding on in this Eeyore fashion where everything is just 'ok' for the rest of my life.

I don't know what to do. I just want him to be happy, whether it's with or without me. Sad

OP posts:
Offred · 29/09/2017 21:38

You will laugh about the lunacy of the trip with the bog roll one day! Maybe not quite yet when it is raw!!!

You'll probably have to do a bit of mindfulness or distraction to stave off your knee jerk 'responsibility taking' behaviours for a little while...

At least the parcel will probably stave off some of the drama you will be likely to get - probably doing sad sack faces around your friends, getting them to tell you how badly he is doing and how worried they are for him etc etc is going to happen at some point...

Offred · 29/09/2017 21:39

And definitely at some point big declarations (and maybe some actions) about how he has realised what he did wrong and he is going to be better (as with all abusers)...

NameChange30 · 29/09/2017 21:41

Wise words from Offred, and yes I reckon you'll be able to laugh about the loo roll one day Grin

Offred · 29/09/2017 21:51

I left a victim/sensitive and went straight onto demand/mr right!!!

Don't do that! Wink

stubbornstains · 29/09/2017 23:06

Ha, yes, me too offred, although I am I proud to say I kept it light and chucked him after 6 months, with no entanglements, meaning I could cut off all contact immediately. Proud, because it means I am learning.....slowly.

But back to the OP's situation, this strikes a nerve, because this is basically my dad. Except that my mum's been with him for 45 years Shock. And he cast a shadow over our childhood, too. Basically, he has never tried to properly combat his depression (tried ADs once, stopped taking them after a couple of weeks because he didn't like the side effects, etc). Because he has never cared enough about his family, or my mum,to recognise the impact on us, and to do something about it. He also, now that it's recognised he suffers from depression, uses it as a tool: "Well, how do you expect me to be enthusiastic about your achievements, you know I suffer from depression" etc.etc.

Lucky escape, OP.

PressForPancakes · 29/09/2017 23:45

Gosh, stubborn, how has your mum coped with it? I'm sorry it cast a shadow over your childhood. I think I'd like a child but I have worried about the impact exDP's moods would have on its wellbeing, despite him desperately wanting to be a father. It's just another solution to a bigger problem for him.

He has had a habit of blaming all of his unpleasant behaviour on his drinking/depression/other people, or hiding behind his various phobias so that he doesn't have to deal with things or explain his actions. I think there is certainly a pattern of not taking responsibility for himself.

I hope he can take something away from our relationship that might make him reconsider his behaviour and outlook on life. I know I've reconsidered mine and I'm a better person because of it. I think that's all part of a healthy process.

OP posts:
aurynne · 30/09/2017 03:27

I had a relationship with a person with depression and it almost broke me. I empathise with how hard it is for the person with mental health problems, but my ex-DH dragged me down to the bottom of the well with him and there would be absolutely nothing I did, ever that could make him happy. He managed to destroy any plans, any opportunity for enjoyment of life. I am an optimistic, happy-go-lucky person who loves improvisation, travel and adventure, I think he fell in love with that. However he probably thought being with me would help him turn the same way. It didn't work. It was absolute hell.

I left after lots of heartbreak and lots of blame and feeling heartless. Leaving was the best thing I could have done. A day after making the decision and going, I felt like a massive weight had come off my soul. I felt free and "allowed" to be happy again without feeling guilty that he was not.

When I left I promised myself I would never, ever start a relationship with anyone suffering from depression. It probably sounds horrible, but I am not prepared or willing to go through that hell again.

Run.

aurynne · 30/09/2017 03:27

Sorry, ex-DP, not ex-DH. Thank fuck we never married.

PressForPancakes · 30/09/2017 10:23

Thank you aury, that's encouraging.

He's supposed to be coming round this afternoon to collect his things. There's a whole flat-full of his stuff here. I'm dreading it. Should I start getting it together or just leave him to it? I'm going to find it difficult to stay strong.

OP posts:
Offred · 30/09/2017 10:26

Whatever you do re his stuff the most important thing is to prepare emotionally. He's gonna do hangdog, begging or angry cold behaviour. He's gonna try to really push you into being responsible for his welfare again...

You could maybe practise some responses that don't give him the emotional response he will be looking for and feeding off.

rizlett · 30/09/2017 10:28

Get it all together op and try not to extend the time he is there as this can often just make it more difficult for you to unattach yourself.

Put your armour on for this bit:- it sounds a bit like you might be addicted to saving people - maybe create a list of things for you to do when you feel like you 'need' him to be there or you 'need' to be taking care of him.

If you can resolve this and learn to take care of yourself more you will be much less likely to attract the same sort of person next time.

It's right to love yourself first.

StigmaStyle · 30/09/2017 10:36

Oh OP! You're so deep into the roles you and he have settled into in this relationship, where he "suffers" and you run around trying to make everything OK. I'm not blaming you, he's done a number on you and manipulated you into that position - possibly without understanding himself how controlling he is.

This is an adult, with his own flat. It's for him to organise pillows and bogroll and food. He's somehow convinced you he's like a tiny baby and it will be your fault if he suffers alone in his flat.

It isn't like that. You don't have to do that stuff for another adult to feel like you're being a good, caring person. You are anyway.

I really feel for you as I enabled a lazy, responsibility-dodging, PA, victim-playing Mr Sensitive for so long. I now SEE him playing the same manipulative tricks on other people, especially other women, and on our own kids. He doesn't know how to be any other way, and I think he doesn't know how damaging it is. He will never change, but I don't have to be part of it.

StigmaStyle · 30/09/2017 10:38

If you have to be in when he's there, leave him to it. be breezy, be busy - have something you have to do, ideally away from him, like gardening if that's an option. Do not engage, don't listen to tales of woe, DON'T do stuff for him. The sooner he realises you are not his support system in any way, the better. He will move onto someone else to give him what you did, I guarantee it. So don't prolong him thinking he can get it from you.

If you can go out while he gets his stuff, even better.

ClaudiaNaughton · 30/09/2017 11:06

Or have a friend with you having coffee?

PressForPancakes · 30/09/2017 13:01

He's just sent me a text asking if he can come tomorrow instead because he's just got a letter from HMRC telling him he needs to submit his accounts today so he needs to do that now instead.

I'm Confused and annoyed that I've been building up to him coming today. I also think he's lying.

OP posts:
PressForPancakes · 30/09/2017 13:04

However, I've just looked up his business on the Companies House website and it does appear his accounts are indeed due by today. Still... Sad

OP posts:
PressForPancakes · 30/09/2017 13:25

Oh God, he's just emailed me a photo of us together with his father. I asked him why and he claims it was a mistake - that it must have failed to send from his business email account ages ago.

My heart is pounding and I feel sick. I think I'm heading towards a panic attack and I don't really know why.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 30/09/2017 13:28

Bullshit it was a mistake.
I suggest you turn off your phone and do something to take your mind off him. Go for a walk maybe. Deep breaths.

Offred · 30/09/2017 13:56

Yes turn off your phone. You need to get out of the house I think. Go and do something that is a treat for you.

Every time his behaviour puts yourself in a spin like this do something nice for yourself - have something nice to eat, buy yourself a small (or large! Grin) thing, catch up with a friend etc

MillicentFawcett · 30/09/2017 14:20

Deep breaths.

Yes, go out and do something else. Go to the cinema if a walk won't help clear your head or there isn't a friend you can go and see. That's always good for a bit of escapism from life

Then pack all his stuff up later so that it's all ready for him. Decide when it's convenient for him to come (is it convenient tomorrow? If you have something on, then don't change your plans) and let him know.

You have to take back some power here. He knows exactly how to manipulate you.

PressForPancakes · 01/10/2017 17:58

He's been and gone to collect his things and I can't stop crying. All I can think about is the good times and how much I'm going to miss him. I'm regretting it all terribly and doubting why on earth I did it in the first place.

Sad
OP posts:
NameChange30 · 01/10/2017 18:35

You did the right thing. It's normal to feel sad and grieve what you have lost. But try to remember the bad things alongside the good. And remember you will have good times again with someone else - hopefully minus the bad!

Please take care of yourself, give yourself little treats as PPs suggested. Make sure you spend time with people who make you feel good/better.

And please delete his number and email address, unfriend him on Facebook etc. The quickest way for you to feel better and move on with be to cut contact and remove the temptation to contact him.

Worriedrose · 01/10/2017 20:52
Flowers That's normal Tough, but normal. No one goes into a relationship thinking it's not going to work out
EmeraldIsle100 · 01/10/2017 21:27

You did the right thing! He is ultimately responsible for his health and you are not. He is not concerned about your wellbeing. Everything is all about him. I married Mr Sensitive and it was hell.

Don't regret not having children with him. He would be a terrible father as everything is always about him.

Leave the house and let him get on with the packing himself. He will only make it as difficult as possible for you.

You definitely did the right thing. I bet he's not crying over you. You will find out that life can be a really good laugh and your self esteem will increase. Well done for being so brave even though you weren't feeling brave!

Offred · 01/10/2017 21:37

It’s just a feeling. You need to learn to self soothe through this stuff.

Probably there is a part of your self esteem that is attached to being ‘the strong one’ and caring for him satisfied you that you were ‘good’.

Now you need to show yourself that love.

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