I love him but he's never happy

[PressForPancakes]

I love my DP very much. I'm 30s, he's 40s. We've been together for nearly five years, no children.

He suffers from clinical depression on and off. His family are very negative people and he seems to have been raised to have an extremely cynical view of the world, which makes me sad. I wish I could inject some magic into him.

He is kind and has a good heart. He'd do anything for anyone. We aren't well off, but sometimes, when we have been on our way out to dinner or a pub, he has walked past a homeless person and given them £100 or whatever he had in his pockets and offered to book them into a hotel.

He currently seems to be going through another bout of depression and is taking ADs as well as seeking help through the NHS. The thing is, nothing is ever right. I try to support him emotionally, as well as with his work and interests and dreams, but he says that he feels he is just a 'suppprting role' in my life. He wasn't ready to buy a house together or get married a year or so ago (he has his own properties) so I bought my own flat. He isn't happy with this arrangement and says that he feels like a 'paying guest' and says he wants a garden, that he misses having a garden. I found us an allotment but I don't think it's the same. He says that he feels he's just 'going along with things' but I involve him in everything I can and always try to find a compromise we agree on. Except six months down the line, he'll then say that actually he wasn't happy with that and it wasn't really what he wanted to do.

It's been like this throughout our whole relationship and I find myself wondering what I could do to ever make him happy. Sometimes he talks about children and thinks they will make him happy, but he doesn't seem to realise that I don't feel secure enough with him for us to start a family. He thinks I don't want children. Actually, he seems to blame me for a lot of his unhappiness in some form or another.

I've suggested we break up several times but he says he doesn't want that, that we need to work on things. I used to think it was me and that I was the problem but as time goes on, I wonder if he is just not able to be truly happy with anyone under any circumstances.

I don't know if he really loves me, though he claims to and he is very good to me. I want him to be enthusiastic about me and about us and our lives together, not down in the mouth about it all. Sometimes we have such fun and adventures, but this seems to be increasingly far and few between.

This morning I suggested again that we break up but he just looked very sad and said he didn't want that, that we had to work on things. He asked me if I wanted him to 'go away', like he'd done something bad.

I love him and can't imagine a life without him, but I also can't imagine plodding on in this Eeyore fashion where everything is just 'ok' for the rest of my life.

I don't know what to do. I just want him to be happy, whether it's with or without me.

He's not kind, he's warped, hands out £100 to a stranger in the street but treats you like crap; stop tying yourself in knots trying to please a man that does bugger all to contribute to the health of the relationship, of course he doesn't want to break up, who else would put up with his crap, he seems to have total control of you and have you on a back foot constantly, not fair, not normal and not the kind of relationship that will ever make you happy, so instead of constantly worrying about how you can make him happier, ask yourself, what do you want out of life because he's going to suck any joy you may have.

I left someone like this and now I'm with a someone else and can't believe how different it is. I'm so happy.
My ex blames me for ending our relationship just like he blamed his first wife. He's learned nothing.

You need to accept that you can't make him happy. Not only is it not your responsibility, it's not even something that is possible for you to do. This is just the way that he is.

A person can be lovely and kind but still be a drain on you.

You don't have to do this anymore. You can be on your own.

Fwiw my ex H was and is like this. I realize now, with hindsight, that the situation works for him... never makes decisions, so when things go wrong, he can always blame someone else, and use that to extract yet more care/energy/attention from the person who now believes they did him wrong. Does he know he's doing it? Probably not. Is it soul destroying to be around him? Yes.

He has mental health problems and it sounds like an external locus of control which has meant that he has not even tried to manage his issues himself.

You, perhaps, feel that because he has 'put up with' your bipolar disorder you 'owe him' putting up with him.

The truth of it though is that this dynamic is unhealthy. He is behaving like a teenager and expecting you to parent him by loving him unconditionally while he blames you. You sound like you manage your MH condition and are creeping towards managing his for him too. He needs to manage it himself, like you do.

The flat thing is controlling too.

I think you have become codependent TBH and your loving has become enabling.

Because of his external locus of control he has developed loads of maladaptive coping mechanisms.

He's in his 40's? I doubt he will change very much.... and because the relationship is codependent he is extremely unlikely to even try to change while he is with you.

You may as well be 'to blame' for his misery and free of him rather than to blame and held back by him...

I don't mean this in a nasty way OP, but I am wondering, as you're in your 30's (never married/no kids I presume,) you are settling for second best and crap treatment because you are scared of being alone/don't want to be single/have some kind of need to be attached or married?

Because as someone who is middle aged (with grown kids,) and has been in a relationship for many years, if me and DH split now, I would not take any crap from anyone, and would be happy to be alone, rather than tolerate shitty behaviour from arsehole men who don't deserve me.

I certainly would not tolerate the shit you're being dealt by this man. A few women who are still single in their 30's (and 40's) take appalling behaviour from men though, and in some cases, it is because they don't want to let him go, as they don't want to be single at 35+. And being with a man who treats them badly is better than being alone.

Don't be that person. You deserve better.

Let someone else deal with this man and his 'depression.' I say 'depression' because it doesn't sound like depression to me, it just sounds like he is a twat.

Im sorry, OP, you're kidding yourself if you think he will ever change. How is it ok for him to move in with you but not buy together or move you into one of his properties?

He's been very supportive of me over the years. I have bipolar disorder so I'm not always easy to be with, though I've been mostly well over the past couple of years

Tell me, OP, have you just sat around waiting for your condition to get better or have you been to experts and followed their advice? IMHO there is absolutely nothing you can do for a depressive who doesn't want to get better. Obviously the ADs he is taking are not working but he also has the habit of blaming other people for his problems, which certainly won't help. He sounds very much like a good friend of mine. I love him dearly but I would never in a million years want to be his girlfriend.

My ex was supportive when I had a hard time with anxiety. If I had a panic attack in the night he would help me calm down, for example.

I turned to this as an example of how he must be OK when I was trying to get to the bottom of why I felt so unloved and stuck in the relationship.

The truth was, he was good at gestures and "performing" the role of being nice, but underneath all that he basically left me to do everything and was very passive aggressive. He was resentful towards me and would do things he knew would upset me, then explain it away as being "forgetful" or depressed and want lots of pity. The nice behaviour meant it was hard to address this as I couldn't reasonably complain about someone so "lovely". But all the time I was exhausted from being in charge of everything, trying to get him to step up and failing.

It can be really complicated in these kinds of entangled relationships. Mr Lovely is draining you dry emotionally but at the same time you feel bad about your doubts. I think you need to take a step back to get a clear picture of what's been going on. I think a PP suggested a 6-month break , that sounds like a good idea to me. He has properties, he can move out and you can try being alone and see how it feels to just be who you are.

I'm reading all your replies with interest, thank you. I ended our relationship on Tuesday and he's sleeping in the spare room. I feel guilty and sad for him.", but I do think I have been enabling his unhappiness.

Good for you OP

That's a good start Press. I think you need to get your housing sorted as quickly as possible before your guilt at his sadness sucks you back in again. Good luck

He's home today and is acting almost like nothing has happened. He just asked me if I'd like X for dinner tonight.. I'm not sure he's taking me seriously

I'm not sure what to expect really. I don't want there to be a horrible atmosphere between us but equally I don't want it to be like it was before with the only differences being we sleep in separate rooms. I don't understand what he's doing - perhaps he thinks this will all just blow over if he ignores it?

He probably does think he can just pretend it hasn't happened. From how you have described him he really hasn't developed any tools to help him deal with difficult things, has he?

Is there a reason he is still in your property? He has properties of his own doesn't he?

One of his properties is rented out. The other is not habitable as he has been renovating it and is a skeleton of a flat full of rubble. He doesn't really have anywhere else to go, and I think he really is quite depressed. I worry he might hurt himself, though he hasn't threatened to.

All this is making me feel anxious and on edge. I'm going to meet a friend shortly, so hopefully I will feel better then.

Relieved to hear that you have ended the relationship. Well done. Now you need to give him notice to move out. It might sound harsh but finding somewhere else to live is his problem, not yours. I wouldn't give him more than a week or two, or the whole thing will just get dragged out unnecessarily.

It's ok to want a life partner who is emotionally stable and reasonably happy. Of course mental health problems are not deal breakers but I think the person seeking appropriate support/treatment is a deal breaker. And as PPs have said, depression does not excuse or even explain most of his behaviour.

You need to outright tell him that he can't continue living with you in your flat because you have split up and ask him where he is going to stay?

Even if you have to push him a bit into finding somewhere to go then it will be better for you because he won't be continuing to hang around with his head in the sand.

Am following this as my DH was raised by two very very negative people and has no sort of "get up and go".
Saying that, we do have a lot of fun together.
Even if it's mostly driven by me, we make the decisions together but I sometimes have to check that he's enjoying himself, he has a miserable face even when he's happy so to speak.
I am 30 weeks pregnant now and it will be very interesting to see how he is with our child.

The other is not habitable as he has been renovating it and is a skeleton of a flat full of rubble

If it has a front door and a lock, he can sleep in it. He can shower at the swimming pool and eat takeaways / sandwiches while he gets on with sorting the flat out.

He doesn't have nowhere to go, he has a better place to go than most people in his situation - he doesn't even have to look for a rental or house share. Or, if his flat really is uninhabitable, he could do that like everyone else has to. He's an adult and you don't have to worry about how he solves this. You own your flat and you don't owe it to him to let him stay there.

I feel bad for him because I care about him so much - he isn't a bad person. I also owe him quite a lot of money which I can't afford to pay back in one go. He's never asked for it but I feel guilty about that, too.

This is so hard.

Work out how much you can afford to pay him, even if it's just £20 a month or something, a set up a standing order.

You might be interested to read this:
www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fixing-families/201106/the-relationship-triangle
FWIW I think you are a classic "rescuer".

But you care for him like a child not a partner who is your equal....

Pay the money back slowly as suggested.

You can't just allow him to position you back into this relationship unless it is truly what you actually want. Unless you love him as a partner and he you. Don't just end up back with him by default.

It's never easy breaking up with anyone Pancakes but honestly I think you've done yourself a huge favour. He probably doesn't mean to be as toxic as he is but a lot of it is probably learned behaviour from his own parents. If you had kids with him he would probably treat them the same and cause issues in them too.

It will be tough in the short term but will get easier in time. Youll meet someone else who is much easier to get on with and only then will you realise how exhausting your ex DPs behaviour is.

@PressForPancakes I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I read this book last night and I found it to have useful tips. I signed up for the free Kindle unlimited trial so it worked out for free (just sign and then go immediately back and cancel the membership. That way you'll have free access just for one month)

www.amazon.co.uk/What-Do-When-Wont-Change-ebook/dp/B0073BJHX0?encoding=UTF8&ref=ku_mi_rw_edp&tag=mumsnetforum-21

He was an arse when I got upset tonight so I've asked him to leave and offered to book him into a hotel. He refused to go to a hotel and said he'd 'rather sleep on a dirty floor'. He's furious and has gone to get his car to collect some things.

I'm questioning myself again. I think I must be a horrible person making a terrible mistake and maybe I've been the problem all along. I'm sitting with a G&T trying not to cry much.