I love him but he's never happy

[PressForPancakes]

I love my DP very much. I'm 30s, he's 40s. We've been together for nearly five years, no children.

He suffers from clinical depression on and off. His family are very negative people and he seems to have been raised to have an extremely cynical view of the world, which makes me sad. I wish I could inject some magic into him.

He is kind and has a good heart. He'd do anything for anyone. We aren't well off, but sometimes, when we have been on our way out to dinner or a pub, he has walked past a homeless person and given them £100 or whatever he had in his pockets and offered to book them into a hotel.

He currently seems to be going through another bout of depression and is taking ADs as well as seeking help through the NHS. The thing is, nothing is ever right. I try to support him emotionally, as well as with his work and interests and dreams, but he says that he feels he is just a 'suppprting role' in my life. He wasn't ready to buy a house together or get married a year or so ago (he has his own properties) so I bought my own flat. He isn't happy with this arrangement and says that he feels like a 'paying guest' and says he wants a garden, that he misses having a garden. I found us an allotment but I don't think it's the same. He says that he feels he's just 'going along with things' but I involve him in everything I can and always try to find a compromise we agree on. Except six months down the line, he'll then say that actually he wasn't happy with that and it wasn't really what he wanted to do.

It's been like this throughout our whole relationship and I find myself wondering what I could do to ever make him happy. Sometimes he talks about children and thinks they will make him happy, but he doesn't seem to realise that I don't feel secure enough with him for us to start a family. He thinks I don't want children. Actually, he seems to blame me for a lot of his unhappiness in some form or another.

I've suggested we break up several times but he says he doesn't want that, that we need to work on things. I used to think it was me and that I was the problem but as time goes on, I wonder if he is just not able to be truly happy with anyone under any circumstances.

I don't know if he really loves me, though he claims to and he is very good to me. I want him to be enthusiastic about me and about us and our lives together, not down in the mouth about it all. Sometimes we have such fun and adventures, but this seems to be increasingly far and few between.

This morning I suggested again that we break up but he just looked very sad and said he didn't want that, that we had to work on things. He asked me if I wanted him to 'go away', like he'd done something bad.

I love him and can't imagine a life without him, but I also can't imagine plodding on in this Eeyore fashion where everything is just 'ok' for the rest of my life.

I don't know what to do. I just want him to be happy, whether it's with or without me.

He tried to make me feel guilty about the food he bought for us tonight. I didn't ask him to buy it. But I still feel guilty.

You are not a horrible person. You deserve to be happy.

You are not making a mistake. You are absolutely doing the right thing.

You have not been the problem all along. He has.

Reminder, Pancakes, that this is how he makes you feel. He blames you for his unhappiness. You cannot stay in a relationship with someone who does that. It's already done a huge amount of damage to your sanity and self esteem.

Typo! Should have said remember, not reminder.

He's gone now. He didn't want to give me my key back but he did in the end. I'm reading and re-reading the 'Right, listen up everybody' thread, reminding myself that I deserve happiness and respect.

I keep thinking that if I hadn't said anything about breaking up in the first place, I wouldn't be so upset right now and we'd be sitting down to a nice dinner and glass of wine. But I realise how dysfunctional that is - that I won't end a relationship that isn't making me happy for fear of being distraught at him leaving.

I realise that I'm used to it being my fault. A friend today asked me if my mother always made things out to be my fault. She didn't, but my father did. If ever I fell out with a friend, it was my fault. When I broke up with my ex, it was my fault even though he was raping me and abusing me. If I left a job, I should have stuck it out. I think I've been conditioned to feel guilty about every change that ever occurs in my life. I always take the blame because I automatically believe it's my fault - and it's easier that way.

I know these awful feelings will pass and one day I'll probably look back on this and be glad of my choices. I just wish it didn't hurt so much in the meantime.

Also (sorry for yet another post), the relationship sounds very dysfunctional to me. I'm struck by how guilty and responsible for him you feel. I don't think that's healthy and I wonder if you would benefit from thinking about that, maybe with the help of a therapist or counsellor.

What did you learn about relationships growing up, did your parents have good relationships with each other and with you?

What an apt x-post!

Honestly? This has me convinced he is not depressed at all...

I think he is EA and he knows exactly what he is doing...

Cross post! It seems I was spot on!

I'm sorry to hear that your father blamed you and that you had an abusive ex. Have you ever had therapy/counselling or done the Freedom Programme?

Have you ever come across the Stately Homes thread? You might find some useful advice and support with regards to your father's blame and the impact it's had on you.

Do you think, offred? I am so mixed up in my feelings for him I think I'm blind to any possible EA. Which I suppose means he's succeeded.

I am seeing a therapist and have been in therapy on and off for a couple of years now. I think my therapist knows that this relationship has not been good for me and has hinted as much. I think because my last proper relationship was so awful I have just been so grateful to feel so in love with someone - I couldn't imagine they could ever intentionally do anything to hurt me.

You said you've read this but it bears repeating:

Just because you've escaped a level 10 bastard, doesn't mean you should settle for the level 8 one that comes along. The only acceptable level of abuse is none.

Do check out the Freedom Programme as I have a feeling it could really help you.

oh i'd have walked ages ago. fuck that shit.

Well done op.
You are NOT responsible for anyone's happiness. You sound much like me, trapped, fear, guilt.
Even now I feel guilt for leaving even though I was desperately unhappy.
Its conditioning for sure, how do we stop it? I just don't know.
I feel guilt for basically everything!!!
But I left, and so did you!
Do feel proud that you finally put yourself first

I'm really struggling tonight. I can't help wondering if I've done the right thing, if I have been expecting too much, if he's OK etc. I feel so sad and can't seem to settle. I'm so used to him being here and I miss his presence.

I wish I could get a grip!

I think it is natural to feel sad he isn't there. He was living with you!

I also think the feelings of responsibility for him and his welfare are less natural - those are a result of his EA manipulating you into a place where you take responsibility.

I just want to expand on what I said before about the EA; I think it is really interesting that when you challenged his behaviour re you having said you wanted to split he first played sad (which gave you fear he would hurt himself) and then got very angry and stormed out when the sadness didn't work...

This is a classic sign of an abuser because it clearly displays feelings of entitlement.

(And the flat thing and also the refusing to give you your key back initially are also both controlling and entitled)

Have you read 'why does he do that?'

I think you will find him in 'the victim' profile TBH...

The profiles are on this thread.

Or maybe mr sensitive

Entitlement as in, he feels entitled to my love and a relationship, regardless of how I feel?

I have such a strong urge to drive to his flat, knock on his door and give him a hug. I admit, I drove round there earlier with two bags - one containing a couple of pillows (I know he doesn't have any pillows) and a towel, another containing a frozen meal I cooked ages ago that he could heat up in a microwave, and a few other bits and pieces like some cutlery.

I didn't meet him - I just left it outside his front door and texted him to let him know it was there. I was relieved to get a reply because I noticed a missing box of prescription-strength codeine this morning and have been worried all day that he might have taken it.

I realise I'm probably starting to sound a bit nutty. I just hate to think of anybody feeling sad and alone.

He might be a few of them rolled into one.

OP, I hope you can shift your focus from him to yourself over the coming days and weeks. Stay strong, you can do this!

Cross post. Oh dear! If I was your friend or sister I would keep you locked in and confiscate your phone! A meal and some cutlery - you nana

I'm teasing but also serious. You've satisfied your desire to look after him tonight but mustn't do it again. You need to be strict with yourself now.

Yy most abusers are a mixture.

I mean that he has an attitude of entitlement. To you, to your love, to your care, your attention, your things, your love, everything (and often to things nothing to do with you too).

This is different from a healthy relationship with sharing because it is a one way street. What's yours is his and what's his is his (unless he chooses to share in order to achieve a 'higher' aim; control etc).

I'm glad you didn't meet him. Taking the stuff round is not the best idea for you or him but it is the kind of thing I'd expect from someone who has just left a man who is EA in this way (one who subtly controls you by making you responsible for him).

Try not to beat yourself up! You didn't see him and you haven't given in and asked him to come back!

I also notice that he is carefully signalling to you that your punishment for breaking up with you is that he is going to harm himself - the codeine, the rushing off on a whim to the flat you said was not habitable, not having basic essentials that he will need etc

I think he wants you to think that he is terribly depressed and not taking care of himself and might hurt himself so that you take him back in short.

Either way, whether he is doing it deliberately or subconsciously or he is simply actually very depressed about the end of your relationship it doesn't make getting back with him a solution. He can't emotionally blackmail you to go back. You can't allow him to because if you did it wouldn't change that the original problem was that you weren't happy with him.

Yes, and how he wouldn't let me book him a hotel because he'd 'rather sleep on a dirty floor'.

I am a nana, aren't I AnotherEmma I even put a roll of toilet paper in there.

Thank you for that link, offred. I do recognise him in mr sensitive and the victim. I also recognise my abusive ex in the demand man, which is interesting.

What's mine is his and what's his is his is exactly right. Definte epiphany there.