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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My boyfriend is a great, kind, supportive...manchild

53 replies

adultwoman · 25/09/2017 19:06

Title says it all.

I dont know what to do.

I love him. He's supportive, gentle, kind, handsome and ripped to boot (superficial I know, but come on!), very clean and tidy, well turned out, always helping his mum fix stuff up....but hes a fucking manchild.

Problem after problem after problem with the bank. Scraping by, money troubles, fell 5 months behind in rent, got laid off, period of depression and unemployment, started his own business and giving it...80%.

Mother and sister baby him, goes to one of their houses to eat if not mine. Sister texts me to check is he up and awake in the mornings ffs. Car broke down was running it so he had to stop every 20 minutes and twiddle it to be able to function - this went on for 6 months, finally sorted now.

Hes so supportive of me and my plans, helps me come up with new ways of looking at things, encouraging of me to pursue goals, travel, etc etc.

But he has no money or that much desire to travel or have plans.

Its crazy, i feel so happy and right with him, but also so alone in soke ways. Can anyone relate?

Hes 37 and the way he lives its like hes 18. I think i feel lost because i love him and am happy with him. But how will we ever live together? How will we ever start a family? We've never discussed it seriously but i do know he wants that. But how, when his lifestyle is just one financial crisis after the next? He doesnt seem rushed to make a home or have kids any time soon. He wants it but doesnt he realise time is moving by?

I dont know what to do. I make good money and have dreams. I wanted him to be able to share dreams with. Things are getting better for him but I guess what im asking is....based on your experience, is he going to wake up? Or am i going to be sat here in 10 years time aged 45 and still waiting?

We dont argue, we have a nice kind of warm feeling relationship. But i guess this stuff has been on my mind and i needed to vent.

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 25/09/2017 19:08

It will only get worse. Isn't he ashamed that his sister has to check he's up in the morning? That would drive me demented.

I suppose it could work if he gave all his money to you and you gave him pocket money, but who the hell wants that in a relationship?

LuckyFortune · 25/09/2017 19:09

How old are you?

AnyFucker · 25/09/2017 19:09

Keep him as an exotic and very expensive pet if you wish but for christ's sake don't waste your life hoping he will change

Why would he when he has a succession of daft women to sort his life out for him ?

Original poster
adultwoman · 25/09/2017 19:10

It drives him up the fucking wall tbh and i am not defending him in the slightest but i do think she's a little out of order with that if you see what i mean?

OP posts:
TalkinBoutNuthin · 25/09/2017 19:10

He sounds like a wonderful friend, but a really shit partner.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 25/09/2017 19:13

She's 35.

Original poster
adultwoman · 25/09/2017 19:14

I feel depressed but i dont understand why

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/09/2017 19:14

Venting is all well and good but the underlying problems here with him as well as you still remain.

What do you get out of this relationship with this manchild; he will never give you what you seek. How do you know he wants a family if you have never discussed it seriously with him.

How can you be happy with him, why is your relationship bar so very low here that this has been acceptable to you at all?.

You're basically carrying on the same enabler roles as his mother and sister. No wonder you do not argue; if his life is handled by you three between you there is nothing for him to actually argue about.

Do you really want to be 36, let alone 45, and in the same position because you will be. Look at actions rather than words and his appearance (he probably does a nice line in hang dog eyes). Men like this do not change. You can only change how you react to him.

Counselling for you may be good as to work out exactly why you wanted to rescue him in the first place.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/09/2017 19:16

It wouldn't work for me.

There are obviously lots of lovely things about him but don't you want a real partner? Someone who SHARES your hopes she dreams, not simply supports you having them. Someone who you respect and admire? It's not about income but it might be an issue that he's so chaotic about money and being responsible for himself.

At that age he's honestly not going to change because he doesn't need or want to.

You see so many threads on here where it probably started out like this and the woman hoped he'd change. If you want to get married and have children and he doesn't then how can he be your future? Imagine being pregnant or on maternity leave, needing him to step up and look after you and/or babies and he'd like to, thinks it's a good idea, but is too disorganised to help keep food on the table, forgets to change the baby because he's expecting you, his mum or his sister to do the hard graft.

There's a lot to be said for kindness. But do you respect him? A few years down the line, whether you have a family together or not, would you resent having to be the only adult in the relationship?

79andnotout · 25/09/2017 19:17

Sounds like my OH. I try to appreciate him for what he is not what he could be. Easier said than done, sometimes, but like you I earn enough to support us and we plan to have a kid soon, where he will play the more supportive role as I will go back to full time work pretty quickly. It will be interesting to see how that works out with his level of disorganisation, but I'll just try to step back and let the chaos happen...

CockacidalManiac · 25/09/2017 19:18

He sounds about 20?
His ripped torso might not be there in a few years time, but his irritating inability to be an adult probably will be.

CockacidalManiac · 25/09/2017 19:20

I feel depressed but i dont understand why

This needs to be untangled and dealt with separately from the relationship stuff.
There is no ’why’ to depression. It just ‘is’.

Mulch · 25/09/2017 19:23

If your OK being main breadwinner. You've got what sounds like an otherwise lovely partner. If you don't want to accept a future with him as he is now, I'd walk. He's not going to change and it'll get worse with the added responsibility of kids house ect

Original poster
adultwoman · 25/09/2017 19:23

"This needs to be untangled and dealt with separately from the relationship stuff.
There is no ’why’ to depression. It just ‘is’."

I think the truth is becaise ive made some sacrifices for him and as nice as he is i dont see the same back. I feel like i have had to compromise on things and his life has just been enhanced by me

OP posts:
Original poster
adultwoman · 25/09/2017 19:26

Theres no problem being the breadwinner for me. At all. The prpblem i feel is his reliance on his family and what i perceive as having too much involvement with his mother and sister, so much so that he is perhaps unable to break away.

Its possible im overthinking this but as exasperated as they act, i sometimes wonder if his sister and mother dont subconsciously enjoy keeping him somewhat babied. Do you know wjat i mean?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 25/09/2017 19:27

You are 35 and want kids ?

Don't waste any more of your child bearing years on him

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/09/2017 19:27

You've made too many sacrifices for him and have acted simply as his mother and sister have done and still do. Babying him like they and you have done does not help him. The words "uphill struggle" comes to mind with such a man. He has never grown up and the women in his life won't let him.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up; did your own mother behave similarly and enable him too?. You really do need to reign in your rescuer and saviour tendencies before they put you in the same position in yet another relationship.

AnyFucker · 25/09/2017 19:29

What does it matter if you think his mother and sister are doing wrong ?

It's not them you should be worried about. Your problem is he lets them do what they do. And he expects the same from you. You are feeling bad because you know it.

Original poster
adultwoman · 25/09/2017 19:29

Attila this is very interesting: "He has never grown up and the women in his life won't let him."

Because just one post above yours I said I felt this...that maybe in some ways although they say they do, they dont want him to. But why??

OP posts:
Dothedodah · 25/09/2017 19:30

Had one of these. It didn't end well OP.

Original poster
adultwoman · 25/09/2017 19:30

Man...
AnyFucker i think you're right. Im feeling bad because i know it. It makes me think that somehow he must not think highly of me then.

OP posts:
ReginaBlitzkreig · 25/09/2017 19:31

37? He won't improve. And possibly can't, even.

And would you want his mother and sister moving in on any child you had together is the same way?

Cambionome · 25/09/2017 19:31

OMG. 37????! I thought you were going to say he was 22 and I was going to suggest giving him a little longer to grow up a bit...!

This not a good relationship, op. Sorry.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/09/2017 19:31

What motivates you to remain in such a lop sided union?.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/09/2017 19:31

You are 100% wasting your time with this "man." He may be sweet, he may have a hot body, but he will always be a train wreck, and you will ALWAYS have to be the clean up crew. Hoping he will change is like hoping you'll find a purple unicorn grazing in your garden. He's 37 already, there's not a chance in hell. Run for the hills.