My boyfriend is a great, kind, supportive...manchild

[adultwoman]

Title says it all.

I dont know what to do.

I love him. He's supportive, gentle, kind, handsome and ripped to boot (superficial I know, but come on!), very clean and tidy, well turned out, always helping his mum fix stuff up....but hes a fucking manchild.

Problem after problem after problem with the bank. Scraping by, money troubles, fell 5 months behind in rent, got laid off, period of depression and unemployment, started his own business and giving it...80%.

Mother and sister baby him, goes to one of their houses to eat if not mine. Sister texts me to check is he up and awake in the mornings ffs. Car broke down was running it so he had to stop every 20 minutes and twiddle it to be able to function - this went on for 6 months, finally sorted now.

Hes so supportive of me and my plans, helps me come up with new ways of looking at things, encouraging of me to pursue goals, travel, etc etc.

But he has no money or that much desire to travel or have plans.

Its crazy, i feel so happy and right with him, but also so alone in soke ways. Can anyone relate?

Hes 37 and the way he lives its like hes 18. I think i feel lost because i love him and am happy with him. But how will we ever live together? How will we ever start a family? We've never discussed it seriously but i do know he wants that. But how, when his lifestyle is just one financial crisis after the next? He doesnt seem rushed to make a home or have kids any time soon. He wants it but doesnt he realise time is moving by?

I dont know what to do. I make good money and have dreams. I wanted him to be able to share dreams with. Things are getting better for him but I guess what im asking is....based on your experience, is he going to wake up? Or am i going to be sat here in 10 years time aged 45 and still waiting?

We dont argue, we have a nice kind of warm feeling relationship. But i guess this stuff has been on my mind and i needed to vent.

They like keeping him dependent on them, it makes them feel needed and wanted.

You are me 10 years ago ! My exP was a manchild/cocklodger, but yes a lovely cuddly fun guy. No financial responsibility, self employed hobby job so I was the sole breadwinner. Long story short I lost respect/love for him. Ultimatum last year - apply for job (with a salary to contribute to the 'pot') and help out around the house, or leave. He chose to leave without a backwards glance. I was gutted he just didn't care. He is now staying at a mates , presumably for free. Comes round to see DC , wafting in and out, never pays maintenance . He will always be a happy-go-lucky beach bum. Debts coming out of his ears - but at least I no longer fear the bailiffs turning up out of the blue!

A pp mentioned kids...oh god yes, if i had kids they would pretty much be under the family's control.

I think the biggest sadness is the idea of letting a fundamentally very decent man go, but also the crushing fact that what i thought was a good relationship apparently isnt...again.

So what kind of woman does this kind of man end up with then??

A succession of women. All with high hopes. They all come to their senses....sooner or later.

A woman with low self esteem. Who over time realises she's worth more respect, so then it ends. And he moves onto the next woman.....

I guess i could give him some kind of ultimatum.
Firstly put of clinical interest.
But secondly because i wouldn't have anything to lose.

@May50 so do you think he doesnt respect me?

The manchild often ends up with women who for their own reasons willingly continue to mother them and or otherwise put up with them.

I think too that talking to a counsellor about your relationship history could help you no end. I think you have learnt some damaging stuff along the way that needs to be unlearnt.

I don't see how he doesn't respect you, if he supports you in what you do.

I think he doesn't respect himself.

And no he does not respect you at all.

My BIL is a manchild and has been for many years; he has been completely enabled by his now widowed and elderly mother and he is really a pathetic specimen of a human being. His parents are also responsible as is he for him turning out the way he has; they facilitated his life for him with the result that he has to do nothing and actually cannot do anything relating to being an adult in the real world. His weak emotionally uninvolved father and dominating mother (who also used her son as her main means of emotional support) was a very bad combination for him.

You have more time to lose. Our most precious commodity.

You are employing the sunk costs fallacy. The only outcome of that is you waste more of your life and energy.

37!!!! What? In dog years?

Adultwoman - I think he doesn't respect you, as he doesn't care enough - if he's like my exP he was so laid back he was horizontal , so passive all the time - and like you and your partner we never argued. In the whole time we were together we had not one row he never raised his voice, or was in a mood - because he didn't care about anything to get riled up. Even with the ultimatum he looked at me with puppy dog eyes , shrugged and left. A friend of mine asked if he smoked weed or anything, which he doesn't. I just couldn't understand the lack of pride/self-respect - was really bizarre.
I don't think your partner will change. As someone said earlier he makes a lovely friend, but not partner / where you expect another adult. I didn't see this issue until I was already entrenched in a live-in relationship. You are already seeing it now , ahead of time - follow your gut.

Have you discussed any of this with him? Though you shouldn’t really need to.
Can you tell him what you want from the relationship and him as a partner? You can base your next move on his reaction and reply.

May50 thanks for sharing your experience. I have lots to think about.

Ive recently become friends with an older woman who i was talking to about this and she asked me "what were the men you were with before him like?"

The truth is all of them were unavailable in some way: alcoholics, drug addicts, MHers, open relationshippers.

What makes me feel so fucking absolutely gutted is i did a shit load of therapy and really got myself together.

I met him and as you can imagine from my description i was over the moon. All his qualities. Of course i didnt see all the financial shit until a good few months in because obviously he muddied how bad it was out of pride.

Then a few more months went by when i was frustrated but in denial.

Ive only jusy yhis minute through this thread realised that what was making me feel depressed/bad/alone is: i cannot believe that ive done it again. Found myself a man who is unavailable. He may be miles above tje past ones but...fucking unavailable again. I just cant believe it. I thought i had really made progress.

Now i have clarity i guess i just need to think.

Don't do it. I did. It's a fucking disaster to be married to a man child. I just wish I had an equal partner for the job of raising two kids. It is beyond exhausting doing all the thinking and planning. And it is really lonely.

DH's parents did everything for him (before I did) and I should have taken more notice. I didn't. It's a mess.

Mine is the same, though he's only 28. Deep down I desperately want children someday but I don't think he's father material so the relationship has an expiration date. We have such a laugh together (it's only been a year so still honeymoon period) but I can't see him growing up. Some men are just like that. I'm treating this as an enjoyable fling and having fun while it lasts but I know I'll have to move on at some point (he has no idea I feel this way). I suggest you do the same. I'm in my twenties so I have plenty of time, but it doesn't sound liks you do? Might be worth moving on sooner rather than later for you.

I have one of these. I don't want kids anyway so that doesn't bother me.

He works a couple of days a month but brings a whole month wage on those two days, would be great if he'd work daily we'd be minted!! His mental health doesn't allow for a full time job so he works like this.

He's extremely supportive and does everything for me. He's a chef by trade so he cooks and cleans and takes care of the house stuff.

I handle all finances, he's extremely low maintenance and never needs a cent except once or twice a year!! He's exceptionally unique but I accept him as that. I do get annoyed when I'm stressed and he lives the life of Riley but I'd rather this way than me reliant on him. I love my job anyways.

His parents are wealthy so they have built a flat for us and I bought my own place as I wanted something in my name. I can't rely on him for a thing as he gets very flustered but there are loads of good qualities he has instead like he doesn't have a bad bone in his body. He's very non judgemental to the extreme. He's caring and funny. I'm happy as I am also very young at heart and would be bored stiff if I was with a normal professional man!

Do you already have children?

Do you want children?

That's the key I think.

Yep had one of these...completely charming but absolutely no responsibility for anything. Just like having another child in the house.

They are looking for women to mother them and allow them to do exactly as they please and live in their own little bubble but they get their own way by being disarming and charming just like a child.

The fact that you are the main earner means he can take even less responsibility and let you do all the hard work.

I guess i could give him some kind of ultimatum

Chances are he will just go back home to his mum!

Adultwoman - I feel exactly the same as you, I am angry with myself for having been an 'idiot' which is what I was. And yes , he hid his financial issues too and I didn't realise how inept he was until we had already moved in together. And then he always had an excuse, or it'll get better soon etc . His manner was so lovely that I couldn't see the wood for the trees.
I just feel now I have to move on and not make the same mistake again . At the moment I am still angry and never intend to be with another man ever again. He's wafted off and met a new unsuspecting girlfriend , but she will think he's lovely at the moment, and no doubt he will end up moving in with her.

He's emotionally unavailable because he's in love with himself. He's charming enough to screw what he wants out of the women in his life.
Run for the hills.

May be he isn't very bright.

I'm a former teacher and I had a student once who was just a beautiful boy, very athletic, nice to talk to, and a miserably student. I looked up his records and he had an IQ of 78. He was living up to his potential.

My theory is he'll end up with a woman who gets caught up on the moment and doesn't take time to really get to know him.

If you want a man like that, that's your choice. But don't have children with him. They might be a bit slow.