To be feeling so angry at my 3yo DS every single bloody day??!!

[Mumyum1]

Yes. Of course I am. I am being very very unreasonable. I know it. And I resolve not be. But then I am. Again. He asked his dad tonight, why is mummy always so angry. Broke my heart.

Background: DS is almost 4yo and after maternity leave I went back to work for 6 weeks before being forced out of my really well paid job. I was not given a reference and found it really hard to find decent work for a long time - during this time I was a SAHM and used all my savings to continue to pay 50% of the mortgage and bills until I had no money left. Hubby then had to pick up all the bills and full mortgage and still managed to put aside for savings. My only income was child benefits and the odd bit of cash he gave me, most of which I'd spend on groceries. Every time I asked for money I would hear about how we we really struggling on only one salary and how stressed he was etc etc. We got pregnant with number two and of course this time around there was no maternity pay. Apart from nappies no extra expense as I breastfed and we were gifted loads of clothes etc. Due to some kindness of old friends and the support of my mother things fell into place for me and I found work - less than half of what I was paid before. Suddenly DH started complaining about the cost of childcare for two children should I return to work. For that reason and because I also felt DC2 was not ready for childcare I deferred my start date for a year. DH then complained about how I made decisions and he just had to go along with it, and how stressful it was for him to pay for everything. He especially hated that DC1 was at private nursery 2 days a week. I've now been back at work fulltime and cover all the childcare costs myself, with nothing left over in spare change. However I have a sense of achievement beyond what cute things my children are saying and doing. I'm mixing with adults who are not part of nursery school or playgroup. Although I don't have extra cash to speak of I feel financially empowered, which is an awesome feeling. The economic disempowerment I felt for the previous few years has certainly been a life lesson I won't easily forget. And intend to never ever repeat.

However. The downside to me working, has been that DH has been spending more time with DC1&2 - which means they are slowly but surely showing the stamp of his personality. He has anger issues. Can't stand crying and thinks it's abnormal behaviour in a 1&3 yr old and that I've been mollycoddling and turning them into 'sissies' (said in front of them. Mummy what's a sissy?). I gentle parent and don't believe in spanking. He's the opposite. I allow them choice and independence, he prefers to do things for them. He shouted at the one yr old for picking up his PS3 remote and then told her he wasn't sure why she was crying at nothing, he should be crying as it's his things getting broken. When the 3yo tantrums at the end of a long exhausting day because all routine has been lost and he's allowed to stay up after 10pm, and then starts to hit/spit/kick etc DH asks him why he's such a moron and was he dropped on the head.

It makes my blood boil but I'm working on my own flaws and trying to give DH space to figure out this parenting gig but he has never had contact with kids, does not know what normal child behaviour is like, and refuses to read anything. He tries to follow his parents style but has forgotten that he told me once at the beginning of our relationship, that he knew his father didn't like him when he was 3yo. They've never got on because FiL is a stickler for discipline and DH has always been a wild angry child. He hates being 'told what to do' and anything I say is responded to with 'don't speak to me like I'm a child' or some such. I have run out of patience with him and unfortunately have lost all compassion and empathy for him and so yes I do struggle to be 'gentle' with him as I strive to be with my kids. I have very firm boundaries though. They had routine, limits etc I just didn't use shouting or spanking to enforce.

When my mum came to stay post c section to help out, she eventually told me, stop asking him to do anything if you've already asked him once. For example, take out the heavy garbage bag before bin day because I can't do it - my almost 75yo osteoporotic mother and I used to do together because any request I'd make would be ignored until it mounted up to ten things and then he'd blow up about it.

Anyway, my children who I've never ever spoken a bad word to about their dad, are now becoming so defiant toward me. They are shouting. DC1 ignores me when I speak to him. If he speaks to his dad and I answer, he actually says, I'm not talking to you mum, please be quiet. He's allowed to play games on dads fone when I've been specific about limiting screen time. On a day with dad there are no such limits. They're allowed lots of juice as it's fruit, and lots of macdonalds fries even if I've cooked for them for the day. They hang out in the local vape shop although I've asked dad to only vape in a separate room with a window open at home. DC1 tells me he is going to use that blower thing when he grows up. They go grocery shopping and eat before paying for things. They skip baths and go to bed in their clothes they've been playing in all day. The list really is endless.

I feel a huge amount of anger toward DH. I feel all my hard work and patience over the years has been trampled into the dust and is being undone at an alarming pace. But worse than that is this anger that boils inside me when my DS so obviously prefers his dad over me. And always defends his dad when I question anything. And requests angry rap music in the car that turns out to be full of the N word, whore this, bitch that the only word blanked out is Fuck! Hubby tells me it's the censored version it's ok! Yesterday DS called me a Bitch. I want to smack him so badly and I want to hurt his feelings so badly, I really want to break his spirit and tell him how shit his father is. Of course I don't. I end up clenching my teeth and counting or breathing or walking out of the room. Because it's not his fault. He is triggering my anger toward his father. And he knows I'm angry and I'm scared I'm going to lose him. But I'm finding it harder and harder to bite my tongue. DH and I have 'discussed' these issues but the talking becomes shouting and I can't have my kids grow up like that. He refuses counselling.

If you've made it to the end thanks for reading this long vent post. I think it's been cathartic to just type it out. Is differing parenting styles enough of a reason to break up a family? Am I just too bloody controlling??? I do feel like quite the tyrant tbh.

[FeralBeryl]

Oh sweetheart
Was just coming on to say get this moved to relationships - the advice there is outstanding.
There is lots of help out there, it's just getting the confidence to access it all.
It's not too late for you to shape your children into kind, confident humans-but it will be eventually if they stay trapped near that toxic twat

[Mxyzptlk]

I'm so glad to hear that you're looking at ways to free yourself from that man.

Don't be afraid of the difficulties you may face, your life will be so much better without the huge drain on your energy from being in this relationship.

You and your children will be much happier without him.

[converseandjeans]

I was wondering how you were getting on. I was going to suggest you might find you are entitled to various benefits if you leave him. You would probably be just as well off working less hours and then claiming tax credits (not sure what it is called now tho - perhaps universal credit) I am sure you would get support with childminder fees, free school meals, help with housing. So you could be around more for the children.
You really would be doing the best thing for them by leaving an angry man. I reckon they would be calmer and more loving fairly quickly.
Let us know how you get on :)