What do I do about chronically unemployed partner?

[dazedandconfused2016]

I'm struggling with guilt over what to do about my relationship. I've known my partner 8 years and he has been unemployed for 7 years.

We broke up for two years because we were always arguing about money. But we got back together a couple of years ago because he got an inheritance so was able to support himself, but the cash has now run out.

Against the odds - he is pushing 60 - he managed to get a job three months ago in his field but the (small) company has just fired him.

Because, he told me, they said he was "too slow" and would be better off with a larger company, but that he "would not have a problem getting another job" and they would give him a reference.

The fact they said he wouldn't have a problem getting another job seems to have cheered him up but they have no idea - he's applied for hundreds of jobs in the time I've known him.

This is the problem: he won't consider doing anything other than this specialised job, which is his passion. I've been trying to get him to see for years that lots of people do jobs they don't like, myself included, but it falls on deaf ears. He could use his degree, by tutoring, for example, but I feel that at nearly 60 and with no work record for most of the past 10 years, it is over for him.

Whenever I've suggested he get another job - any job, driving vans or whatever, to make ends meet till he lands his dream job, he's said that would interfere with his "work" - effectively studying and trying to improve so that he can get work in this field.

However, I feel sorry for him. He is a nice man - one of the nicest I've ever met. When I met him I fell madly in love with him and 8 years on I still do love him. We get along well, he makes me laugh and we are good friends.

I realise that given our ages (I'm 50s) this must seem ridiculous.
We don't live together mainly because I would not let him move in. I have my own small flat but and I am freelance in a low-paid industry - it's hard enough trying to look after myself, let alone an extra person.

He lives 3 hours away from me (but that's another story) and the recent job he got was in my city so I let him stay with me for work. If the job had worked out he could have stayed with me long term. When he got paid he gave me a very generous contribution to household expenses. He left the other day to go back to his town to help his sister look after their elderly mother.

He's done nothing wrong to me - he is a lovely guy and we enjoy each other's company. I've had a few bouts of illness and he's been great - he enjoys caring for me and "being useful", he says.

But the reality is, I am always going to have to be the one who works and provides for us both. If I were rich - I have friends who earn a lot, in fact one of them is in the same situation as me with a partner who hasn't worked for years - it wouldn't bother me. I would happily cover the extra expenses, but I don't earn a lot and live frugally to pay the mortgage and bills.

I sincerely care for this man and don't in all honesty want him out of my life but unless I want to be a workhorse for the rest of my days I can't see any other way but to end it.

Maybe I should just be friends with him instead.

Taking into account his age and work history I wouldn't count in him suddenly starting a successful career or even getting and keeping a job.

You need to decide if you can stay with him as he is or break up. Carrying on hoping he'll change is a waste of time.

Does he have any pension for the future? I'm wondering if he sees you as his future financial security.

But we got back together a couple of years ago because he got an inheritance so was able to support himself, but the cash has now run out.

Surely you knew it would run out? And having money gifted doesnt change who he is.

He isnt hiding anything. He is nearly 60. He is who he is and showing you who he is.

I couldnt be with him. That level of irresponsibility would not work for me. The inheritance didnt change him. It just made able to pay his way for a bit.

You need to decide if you mind being the sole breadwinner and wether its a deal breaker for you.

It all sounds fine and dandy even lovely ... except (and its not clear to begin with in your post) that you say you are "supporting" him.

You don't say in what way though. Does he have his own place? Pay his own bills? Food? Or do you "just" pay when going out or holiday?

I couldn't do that for someone who made no effort to work when he was physically able to (it would be different if he was ill but even then he would hopefully get some benefits and pay his way in the most basic way, and his situation would be understandable). Though to be honest his fixation on his specific job and refusal to do anything else sounds a bit unusual - I don't know much about it but maybe a little aspergers or something like that?

Just re-read your post. I see you put "be friends instead". That was my thought.

What were your long-team plans with him? Do you have to support him financially at all at the moment?

If you are prepared to live reasonably separate lives, with no financial responsibility for each other, then could you just continue more or less as you are?

If he became ill, unable to look after himself, would you feel obligated to move him in with you so as to be his career? This could be a real possibility as you both age. Do you want that?

It depends what you want from him. You live 3 hours away, if you met someone else you are free to do as you please. If he is self supporting, not cadging off you, makes you happy and you're not bothered about living with him, you have nothing to lose by staying as you are, lonliness is awful. Only you know what he means to you.

Doesn't sound like much of a partnership. How does he afford to eat? This is who he is. If you're interested in keeping him as an expensive pet, but all means carry on being his girlfriend, but there's so much more to life than a workshy loser. Just be friends, tell him it's over and find someone who's interested in being an adult and doesn't live 3 hours away.

SittingAround - Does he have any pension for the future? I'm wondering if he sees you as his future financial security.

He has no pension but has another inheritance coming when his DM dies, though it's been whittled down a bit over the years as she has helped him. I too have wondered whether is he here because he wants me or because he needs me? I had this conversation with his sister and she said "Oh he does love you". But a friend of mine said: "His sister would say that because she doesn't want to have to take him in."

I don't have much future financial security myself and it looks as though I'll be working into my 70s.

He is always telling me he loves me but I wonder if he really means it or he's just saying it because he thinks it's what I want to hear.

Surely you knew it would run out?

Yes I did and said that to him. His reply was: "So dump me when the money is gone."
I said: "And you're okay with that?" and he said: "Yes."

Gorgosparta: I couldnt be with him. That level of irresponsibility would not work for me.
It's good for me to see this in black and white. That's right. It's irresponsible. I can't believe I've gone along with it so long.

You need to decide if you mind being the sole breadwinner and wether its a deal breaker for you.

If I earned lots of money I wouldn't mind but I don't earn a lot. My family like him but don't like the situation. One of my sisters told me that he was a financial liability and I needed to dump him, and the other said that if he moved in with me he might end up entitled to part of my (miniscule) estate and her kids would miss out on any money due to them. (I don't have kids).

Turquoise He has his own digs in his town 3 hrs away and has used my flat in the city as a base for looking for work and going to networking events, but doesn't live with me as such.

He didn't contribute while out of work and when we went out I would pay most of the time - for meals, movies etc.

Bumshkawahwah: What were your long-team plans with him?
He kept saying that if he got sorted out with work we could get married and I believed it for a while but that is obviously not going to happen. Marriage, though a fine thing, is not important to me anyway.

Do you have to support him financially at all at the moment?
No as he has some money from his job but that will only keep him going a few months.

If you are prepared to live reasonably separate lives, with no financial responsibility for each other, then could you just continue more or less as you are?

Yes, we could. Except for what Marmite says: If he became ill, unable to look after himself, would you feel obligated to move him in with you so as to be his career? This could be a real possibility as you both age. Do you want that?*

No I would not want that as I would not be able to work if I were to become his carer and I do not want to live on benefits - not making a judgment on that but living on benefits is not for me while I'm able to walk and work!

He had a bad back a couple of years ago and was in agony for nearly a year and would not have been able to work anyway. The other day he said he was worried it was coming back but the pain was not as bad as before and would not stop him being able to work.

Thanks for reading this and replying everyone - there are always such great insights on MN.

To the PP who mentioned Asperger's and described him as odd, sorry, can't remember who posted this and I have to dash off to work, but I think there is some problem with him, some mental health issue, whatever that may be. he is quite obsessive. His ex wife told his sister she thought he had a mental illness. She divorced him partly because of money issues too.

That's right. It's irresponsible. I can't believe I've gone along with it so long.

Going along with it, as you put it, makes it clear its a deal breaker for you.

He IS a financially liability who is sat pissing around waiting for his next inheritance. Its ridiculous. Eventually there wont be any more money that will land in his lap.....then what.

Also i have aspergers. It annoys me when people think because some people are irresponsible they must have aspergers. He may have something going on mental health wise. But why is aspergers always rolled out?

Plenty of us, have jobs and are responsible and understand how the world works.

I think he's using you. I'd ditch his lazy ass immediately. Actually I just wouldn't let someone take the piss out of me like that in the first place.

Wow, thanks to subsequent posters for your thoughts. Can't reply properly as about to go in to the office but there is plenty to think about and I'm grateful for your advice.

I think even having to pay for everything you do together, when you are out of funds would be too much for me. And the prospect of looking after him when he is old and/or infirm or ill, as one poster pointed out would definitely be a step too far. To not take responsibility for his own life but potentially then let someone else be his safety net is too much.

*when he is out of funds, not when you are out of funds

It can be both: he loves you AND is (becoming) financially dependent on you...

It is not black an white.

In your shoes, I'd feel unhappy that he is happy about you always paying for things...

But it is not easy, my sister is with a,lovely man who earns very little money. He can never afford anything. He is a singer and very picky about his gigs. He could never afford to take her out. But he is also loving, very good company and fun, and would do anything for her. Money and security are not important to him. If/when he has money, he is very generous. He also accepts it may not always be ideal for my sister. They are, however, very happy together. It is not always clearcut, is it?!

One of my sisters told me that he was a financial liability and I needed to dump him, and the other said that if he moved in with me he might end up entitled to part of my (miniscule) estate and her kids would miss out on any money due to them. (I don't have kids).

Your sister is also making quite an assumption there. What do YOU want to do with your money?

He's an expensive habit. Why don't you think you deserve someone who behaves like a responsible adult?

As for your sister assuming her kids will get your estate, wow! What a CF! I'd change my will to leave it all to charity.

He's an expensive habit. Why don't you think you deserve someone who behaves like a responsible adult?

I do think I deserve that - it's just that I didn't realise he was like this at first. I fell in love with him too quickly. Then I felt I couldn't live without him. I made a bad decision. I have poor judgment. I was too needy when I was first dating him and should have been stronger and walked away.

At 51 I don't expect to meet another man in the future, in all honesty, but if I did, this is not a mistake I would repeat. I would find out about their financial situation first. I'd rather be alone than with another broke bloke.

And as a PP has said, it's not always black and white. This guy is perfect for me in many ways and we are great friends. He is always there for me. Perhaps just being friends is the way forward. I am convinced now that he has a mental health problem of some kind.

Also, to clarify, I have not "given him money", I have just paid for meals out, drinks etc, and he has stayed at my flat a lot. For the past couple of years, I have not paid for every night out we have. When we were together the first time I was paying for nights out simply because it was boring sitting in front of the TV - he would have been happy with that but it was me that wanted to go out.

He is a great bloke - even my sister's husband likes him and (he rarely likes anyone)! I still love him - that's why I am struggling with guilt. I will worry about him.

Bumshkawawah: your comments are really helpful: (having to pay for everything... the prospect of looking after him when he is old and/or infirm .. would definitely be a step too far. To not take responsibility for his own life but let someone else be his safety net is too much. I keep feeling that I am a bad and selfish person for not wanting to take this on, and that I will be letting his (lovely) family down (who also worry about him constantly), so thank you.

I'm struggling with the guilt - and the love I still have for him. The "love" thing, I will get over - I have done so many times over in my life - but the guilt is different.
Thanks to all

My BIL who has a similar crappy work history and is basically unemployable. The other work you cite is "beneath" this man in his eyes so he will dismiss that out of hand. Now the money this man inherited has unsurprisingly run out.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. That needs serious consideration here. I would also read up on codependency because it seems like you are codependent when you are in a relationship. Its not a healthy emotional state for you to be in. Have you always felt this responsible for the man in past relationships too?

TBH if this man is actually one of the nicest you have ever met then I do not think you have met many men and he has preyed on your own nice nature and dare I say it naivety. His mother has helped him as have you; you've both enabled him and enabling only gives you a false sense of control. You've paid for meals out and drinks and he has stayed at yours a lot; its a nice meal ticket for him so I can see what he gets out of this. A free ride at your expense.

At 51 as well you still have plenty of time to meet someone else and you're not dead yet. Do not write yourself off that easily or quickly.

You've carried him and he really is a millstone around your neck. Do you regard him in some ways as your project to rescue and or save from his own self?. What is in this for you re him?. What's the payoff?.

I would not want to remain friends with someone like this man either; he will bleed you dry.

I'm always surprised by people who say that they are 45 or 55 so will probably never meet anyone again. Maybe it is because I grew up knowing my grandmother, who married at 30, 61 and 79, or seeing my 84-year-old aunty being chatted up recently at my dad's birthday party, or meeting some lovely people at 48 through OLD, or exploring the real-life singles scene and seeing the simple quantity of men my age looking for a new partner, I can't help but feel that saying you'll never find someone in what might be another 50 years is a bit pessimistic!

I have a cousin who's been unemployed for a long time and has some mental health problems. Realistically he probably won't work again, lovely though he is. Because of his mental health issues, though, he can't even admit that he's unemployed and makes out that he is a freelance artist doing important things. This also stops him from actually applying for the kind of job he has been able to manage in the past, working for a supermarket. Maybe your friend has some of the same issues and is in denial about the kind of job he might manage?

You know that he is an adult who has to take care of himself, the same as you? You aren't required to pay his way. If you do choose to support him financially, you might even support his state of denial and prevent him from seeing that he needs to pull himself together and make an effort. Sometimes it takes an extreme situation to shock you into action. If he really is incapable, well, he's lucky enough to live in a country which will keep him off the streets. Won't be a life of luxury but he'll get by, the same as many, many others.

I'm currently with someone who's been unemployed for several months. It's only a casual thing; we get on well but no more. I'm wondering if I should start looking for something more serious, and I'll admit that I'm hoping he gets a job soon as it would make it easier to split up nicely if I do want out! The problem being that I wouldn't want him to think it was about him being a loser, as that's not what I think of him at all.

Attila, growing up I learnt that relationships were chaotic, miserable prisons. My DM had a severe mental illness. We would come home from school not knowing what to expect from one day to the next.

Sometimes she was okay, other times she was hearing voices. On one occasion the voice was telling her to kill her family and we had to go and stay with a family friend for a couple of days while she was sectioned and taken back into hospital.

She attempted suicide more than once. My stepfather was a bully who openly expressed his contempt for me and totally dominated my mother.

We were piss poor. In her more lucid periods my mum wouldn't leave him because of us kids. That's what I learnt about relationships, growing up, Attila.

I have spent years in therapy trying to deal with my own MH issues - anxiety, depression and other emotional problems. I wonder sometimes if I have BPD.

What I've learnt in therapy is:

1. I grew up in chaos, so chaos feels familiar to me. Chaos feels "like home".
2. I am traumatised by my childhood.
3. My past is not my future. I am no longer a child and can make decisions for myself now.
4. It's all very well knowing this but none of it helps much or changes anything. I am still the same emotionally scarred, crazy, useless pathetic excuse of a person.

What is in this for you re him?. What's the payoff?

He is my friend. He makes me laugh. He listens to me. He cares for me when I am ill. He is always there for me. He is a gentle soul and a gentleman. He is intellectual and kind. And he touches my heart. If we split up I will still be friends with him. I am friends with most of my exes. A strange concept to some folk.