What do I do about chronically unemployed partner?

[dazedandconfused2016]

I'm struggling with guilt over what to do about my relationship. I've known my partner 8 years and he has been unemployed for 7 years.

We broke up for two years because we were always arguing about money. But we got back together a couple of years ago because he got an inheritance so was able to support himself, but the cash has now run out.

Against the odds - he is pushing 60 - he managed to get a job three months ago in his field but the (small) company has just fired him.

Because, he told me, they said he was "too slow" and would be better off with a larger company, but that he "would not have a problem getting another job" and they would give him a reference.

The fact they said he wouldn't have a problem getting another job seems to have cheered him up but they have no idea - he's applied for hundreds of jobs in the time I've known him.

This is the problem: he won't consider doing anything other than this specialised job, which is his passion. I've been trying to get him to see for years that lots of people do jobs they don't like, myself included, but it falls on deaf ears. He could use his degree, by tutoring, for example, but I feel that at nearly 60 and with no work record for most of the past 10 years, it is over for him.

Whenever I've suggested he get another job - any job, driving vans or whatever, to make ends meet till he lands his dream job, he's said that would interfere with his "work" - effectively studying and trying to improve so that he can get work in this field.

However, I feel sorry for him. He is a nice man - one of the nicest I've ever met. When I met him I fell madly in love with him and 8 years on I still do love him. We get along well, he makes me laugh and we are good friends.

I realise that given our ages (I'm 50s) this must seem ridiculous.
We don't live together mainly because I would not let him move in. I have my own small flat but and I am freelance in a low-paid industry - it's hard enough trying to look after myself, let alone an extra person.

He lives 3 hours away from me (but that's another story) and the recent job he got was in my city so I let him stay with me for work. If the job had worked out he could have stayed with me long term. When he got paid he gave me a very generous contribution to household expenses. He left the other day to go back to his town to help his sister look after their elderly mother.

He's done nothing wrong to me - he is a lovely guy and we enjoy each other's company. I've had a few bouts of illness and he's been great - he enjoys caring for me and "being useful", he says.

But the reality is, I am always going to have to be the one who works and provides for us both. If I were rich - I have friends who earn a lot, in fact one of them is in the same situation as me with a partner who hasn't worked for years - it wouldn't bother me. I would happily cover the extra expenses, but I don't earn a lot and live frugally to pay the mortgage and bills.

I sincerely care for this man and don't in all honesty want him out of my life but unless I want to be a workhorse for the rest of my days I can't see any other way but to end it.

Maybe I should just be friends with him instead.

ravenmum
So he worked in the past but has no pension?
Yes, he ran his own company successfully for years and used to be a high earner but it failed and he paid off creditors to the tune of tens of thousands. I have put in about 20 odd years of work in the UK and I have very little pension to speak of, having moved around a lot between companies. I also worked overseas for years and paid into company pensions but I've no idea how to go about claiming that.

I think this comment does a huge disservice to perfectly responsible, conscientious people who come from wealthy backgrounds.

I'm sorry if I offended anyone - I didn't mean to. I don't think that all people from wealthy backgrounds are irresponsible, of course.

One of my RL friends has been in a similar situation to me - with her ex-H and a previous BF, both of whom were from wealthy backgrounds. Unlike me and her, they just weren't concerned about long term. Perhaps we made an incorrect assumption about unemployed people from wealthy backgrounds, so please forgive me.

My guy is from a (once) landed family.

Notasarule - thank you. Talking did help and I feel free now to enjoy him as a friend. Now I just have to train myself not to feel responsible for him.

Sorry - I meant to write: "...unlike me and her, they just weren't concerned about long term unemployment"

you know Dazed reading your reply has just given me goosebumps!

my DM was too diagnosed with schizoprhrenia was hospitalised and had lots of treatment. I was always a Daddys girl! - and have too suffered with MH issues all my life - i am off for another lot of counselling today .

since my DM died about 9 years ago I have seen my DF in a completely different light - we have fallen out a couple of times over behaviour by him that was totally unexpected and seemed out of character.

I have requestioned my whole life since the breakdown of my marriage and being treated appallingly by my X and subject to emotional and financial abuse. I thought my X was like my father - sadly i believe he is -I have come to the conclusion that my DM's MH issues were probably as a result of my DF.

I learnt something about my DM that i was never told before to be "protected". It came about during discussions with my DF when my marriage broke down. my whole relationship with my DM would have been completely different had i known this - she was ridiculed by all of us, i saw her as weak because she was a SAHM - i vowed never to be like her except saw my DF as strong. - I now know she had amazing strength. she never once discussed why she was ill despite me trying to find out as i got older, she never once said a bad word about my DF. what she suffered to keep me & my bro "safe!"

I can't change anything but i certainly understand a lot more - im still working on myself - and as the other poster said please don't put yourself down either - you are who you are and have been through what you have for a reason!

I beleive MH is a strength - those that suffer are square pegs trying to fit into a world of round holes - when you meet others that think like you do you are completely normal and I mean completely normal - you no longer have any doubts about yourself but these people are few and far between.

I also know exactly what you are talking about in relation to your chap. I am facing the same life test - i have been lucky financially up to now - my X is a high earner but when you are sat in a 5 star luxury hotel and you are crying because it doesn't feel like you think it should - something is not right - i have more belongings than I know what to do with - i was trying to buy myself happiness!!

my BF accompanied me to a breast cancer appointment within the first week of meeting him - he had no reason to do this especially as he had nursed his own DM through cancer at the same hospital. My X only ever mentioned the cancer once and that was to ask if i had completed the critical illness forms!

I read on here often about these men being free loaders- I question myself often too but i beleive i met him for a reason - it was completely out of the blue and we have had so many unexplained events - if i go with the majority and judge him on his financial situation alone it would not be good - but money is not the answer - love is and if you find this you are lucky - he has stood by me through horrendous times - he could have gone at any time - i have told him this but he stands by me - im not out the other side - my current financial situation is not good - i got shafted in my divorce im living on benefits - i have no idea what my future is - but when we go out we laugh, we have a good time - he can make something out of nothing and that phrase you use " he touches my heart" - this is a one off!

ive just re read you said he left to help his sister look after his DM - fuck - you don't get many women that will do this never mind men -
and your anxiety over money maybe he is there to teach you you can live without worrying about this - My DB was facing financial ruin - he has a pub - he too has suffered extreme depression and anxiety over money ( taught to us by our DF) - he worried about how he would have a roof over his head - once he realised he could buy a £40000 house in a completely different part of the the country some of his anxiety weakened. i have been worrying about how i will survive financially - i was told i can get back to work by the judge after 20 years out of work and with severe depression - my settlement took this into account - i am a similar age to you - i have worked out how to get round this - i am not going to be dictated to by the system and by the majority - we all want happiness - if you have a chance of this you are lucky but yes it involves choices that most would be uncomfortable with - my question is those who say freeloaders - what is their background? what is their relationship status? i still have that little voice in the back of my head - one day i may get rid of it completely and just go with the heart! x

I also worked overseas for years and paid into company pensions but I've no idea how to go about claiming that.
You sound like you don't have the energy to look into it further. But why not, even if it isn't much, it all helps. I was forced to go through the hassle of working out every single little pension point as part of the divorce process - including having to go to the examinations board to get my A level results to make the people here in Germany happy - and it's a nice feeling to know that you've cleared things up a bit, got your paperwork sorted. Would be silly just to let that money go down the drain, wouldn't it?

I was going to write something similar re. your pensions. You'll be able to access them somehow and you'll most probably be entitled to some state pension from that country-especially if in Europe.

My long term partner (together 21 years) lost his sucessful business 5 years ago and ended up with lots of debt. He was 53 and spent 4 years trying to find work at his level and setting up a futile business. Meanwhile I supported him and the household.

This all coincided with the perimenopause for me and I went through hell. In the end I gave him an ultimatum. Not that I would leave him, but that if he didnt get a job, any job, I would give up work myself. I actually meant it.

He got a minimum wage job. He hated it but stuck at it. He now has a slightly better paid job, in his industry but at new starter level. He is not too fond of that either.

Around the time he got the first job, I started to take St Johns Wort as my perimeopausal symptoms were pretty bad. What a lifesaver! We also started to think out of the box a bit on how to spend the rest of our lives. I don't want him to do a shit job and being unhappy. So we have decided to move to another part of the country and open a bed and breakfast. We can only do this because we have a huge amount of equity in our house.

I am not suggesting you do the same, but I kind of opened my eyes to other possibilities in life. I think I was just trying to hang on what I had financially, and suddenly I could see a different life that wasnt just about surviving and hanging on to our house.

I don't want to work until I am in my 70's just to get by. I'm now really excited about a new life, and we wouldnt have considered it if his business hadn't gone bust.

I was musing on whether it's different because you aren't a unit as such. Would I have walked away if our lives weren't so wrapped up together? I don't know.

Oh, and I hope you are not going to suffer so you have money to leave to your sisters children. Fuck that.

That seems strange grounds for the loss of his job. he clearly didn't pass probation.

More red flags.

He's a child, not a grown-up.

Hello, I've been busy for a few days so just want to catch up with messages people have kindly left me.

Greenberet* - you have been through a rough time and I'm really sorry to hear about your MH struggles. I will PM you. Thanks so much for your support.

Ravenmum & SittingAround _ I will get round to tracking down these pensions at some point, and you're right - I will feel much better for getting it all sorted out. My overseas jobs were not in Europe but Australia. Thanks for your help.

Loveka - yes, I am constantly thinking about having a different life in a different place. In my industry though the work is in London. Were I to move out of London I would not be able to find much, if any, work in my industry and I would have to do something completely different, which I am open to, but it's a question of trying to persuade an employer in a new industry to take you on in your 50s.

Your partner sounds as though he's made a good go of it and you've done well together. Your decision to open a B&B elsewhere is bold, brave, inspiring and life-enhancing. I hope you'll keep us updated on your progress!

But don't worry, I will not be suffering and working into my 70s purely to maintain some sort of modest inheritance for my sister's kids, much as I love them.

If I didn't like travelling so much I could probably get by on benefits but I do love my holidays abroad so at the moment the prospect of working into my 70s seems preferable, God willing. I may feel differently of course once I'm older.

NannyOgg - my belief is that he just doesn't have the depth of skill and experience necessary to hold a job in his chosen field and he is in denial about it.

Can't he do some agency work to put on a c.v while looking for what he wants to do? It's what I'm doing as I know due to having to drop everything for days on end due to my daughter's illness nobody will take me on full-time at the moment ,(lone parent ) .
If he has is own place he must have a way of being self sufficient now his inheritance is gone , or is he just building up debt ?
Having said that you have the right to walk away if you want to