What do I do about chronically unemployed partner?

[dazedandconfused2016]

I'm struggling with guilt over what to do about my relationship. I've known my partner 8 years and he has been unemployed for 7 years.

We broke up for two years because we were always arguing about money. But we got back together a couple of years ago because he got an inheritance so was able to support himself, but the cash has now run out.

Against the odds - he is pushing 60 - he managed to get a job three months ago in his field but the (small) company has just fired him.

Because, he told me, they said he was "too slow" and would be better off with a larger company, but that he "would not have a problem getting another job" and they would give him a reference.

The fact they said he wouldn't have a problem getting another job seems to have cheered him up but they have no idea - he's applied for hundreds of jobs in the time I've known him.

This is the problem: he won't consider doing anything other than this specialised job, which is his passion. I've been trying to get him to see for years that lots of people do jobs they don't like, myself included, but it falls on deaf ears. He could use his degree, by tutoring, for example, but I feel that at nearly 60 and with no work record for most of the past 10 years, it is over for him.

Whenever I've suggested he get another job - any job, driving vans or whatever, to make ends meet till he lands his dream job, he's said that would interfere with his "work" - effectively studying and trying to improve so that he can get work in this field.

However, I feel sorry for him. He is a nice man - one of the nicest I've ever met. When I met him I fell madly in love with him and 8 years on I still do love him. We get along well, he makes me laugh and we are good friends.

I realise that given our ages (I'm 50s) this must seem ridiculous.
We don't live together mainly because I would not let him move in. I have my own small flat but and I am freelance in a low-paid industry - it's hard enough trying to look after myself, let alone an extra person.

He lives 3 hours away from me (but that's another story) and the recent job he got was in my city so I let him stay with me for work. If the job had worked out he could have stayed with me long term. When he got paid he gave me a very generous contribution to household expenses. He left the other day to go back to his town to help his sister look after their elderly mother.

He's done nothing wrong to me - he is a lovely guy and we enjoy each other's company. I've had a few bouts of illness and he's been great - he enjoys caring for me and "being useful", he says.

But the reality is, I am always going to have to be the one who works and provides for us both. If I were rich - I have friends who earn a lot, in fact one of them is in the same situation as me with a partner who hasn't worked for years - it wouldn't bother me. I would happily cover the extra expenses, but I don't earn a lot and live frugally to pay the mortgage and bills.

I sincerely care for this man and don't in all honesty want him out of my life but unless I want to be a workhorse for the rest of my days I can't see any other way but to end it.

Maybe I should just be friends with him instead.

And when he got paid recently he gave me a very large amount of money "to help" me. So he's not completely on the take. He's just hopeless and in denial of reality but essentially a nice person.

I'm always surprised by people who say that they are 45 or 55 so will probably never meet anyone again.

There are several reasons I think like this. The first, and most obvious reason, is that solvent men of my age generally want younger women.

Secondly, I don't think I've got the energy to meet someone new and get to know them again.

Not sure I want to take a risk again with someone - who may turn out to be a cheat, have a drugs or prostitutes habit (or both), or a number of other issues.

Maybe it is because I grew up knowing my grandmother, who married at 30, 61 and 79, or seeing my 84-year-old aunty being chatted up recently at my dad's birthday party.
Your gran sounds great :-)

I have a cousin who's been unemployed for a long time and has some mental health problems. He can't admit that he's unemployed and makes out that he is a freelance artist doing important things.

I can relate to this. I do think my DP is out of touch with reality.

You aren't required to pay his way. If you do choose to support him financially, you might even support his state of denial and prevent him from seeing that he needs to pull himself together and make an effort. Sometimes it takes an extreme situation to shock you into action.
This is very helpful, thank you.

I'm currently with someone who's been unemployed for several months. It's only a casual thing; we get on well but no more.

It's tough. It depends how old you both are and how you feel about this kind of situation. Some people are fine with it. I have a high-earning friend whose DH won't do work that's "beneath him". He hasn't worked for years but she's okay with it as money is not an issue. Others have unemployed partners who keep the house, cook and do most of the childcare so that's fair enough too. I guess it all depends on circumstances and what you're comfortable with.

Hello Dazed very interested in your post as I have a similar situation, even down to the upbringing - I learnt relationships were a cross to be borne, something to be tolerated at best - my DH retired at 60 which we both agreed on, but his pension isn't great so he needs a part time job and like your DP he wanted something senior in his narrow field of interest. But two differences, first of all we have dependent children, young teenagers, and a mortgage, and Christmas is coming. He too initially had a part time job but lost that, so pretends to be busy and self employed so as not to have time to apply for anything, and in his mind he will never have to stoop so low as to work in a shop.

Secondly, he is already ill - we've been married for 30 years and I can see I will likely become his carer. I am genuinely interested in people talking about walking away - are posters recommending that to the OP as they are not married etc.? I pretty much thought I did have a huge obligation to my husband, even though I no longer really wanted to be married, if he becomes ill after 30 years I had thought it was down to me, morally at least. I certainly don't think that of you though, although not sure why other posters are suggesting this might happen - my DH has long term health problems, but assume your DP is ok right now?

Christ what a freeloader. I'd find hat such a turn off. I could never have maintained this relationship in the first place.

Basically it comes down to if you are willing to put up with him for the rest of your life or not.

It doesn't sound like you're very happy about it at the moment. And I can see why.

I have a similar situation OP. The only money he costs me is food and I justify that by the fact that he walks my dog and fixes house and car which would cost me loads. The worries for me are over the future. I didn't go into it expecting to be the only teal breadwinner and it does cause a rift in my family. He is a slightly expensive pet, not so much in actual money spent but in terms of the money he doesnt bring in.

I was wondering why you feel guilty - and then I read your story OP. Goodness, what a lot you had to deal with. Have you ever had any therapy to talk through the things you endured in your childhood - the suicide attempts, the poverty, the chaos, etc?

I too think you should just be friends with this man. You don't want to end up being responsible for him and at this rate you will, simply by default, because by staying with him he'll reach retirement age and be skint and as his partner you'll be stuck providing.

I see him as not only irresponsible, but completely selfish. He could get a low wage job doing something, as you have repeatedly suggested to him, yet he sees himself as being above that kind of menial work. However, he's happy to continually take from you and take advantage of your home, larder and largesse. I wonder how that makes you feel - to know that he sees himself as too good for the kind of work you do?

He clearly likes just tinkering about and doing his own thing and while he has you and the promise of his inheritance he can't stir himself to do anything productive. He's a loser OP, pure and simple, a sponger and in MN parlance, a cocklodger (a part-time one anyway).

Stay friends with him if you want, but I couldn't be with someone who was so entitled and lazy. Let him find some other sucker to sub him.

staples I think you should start your own post, as your situation is slightly different (not just married, but DC too). However, in simple answer to your question, no you don't have 'an obligation' to stick with you DH and relationships should not be a cross to be borne! A good relationship is the uniting of two equals in order to give them greater happiness than they would have had alone, but if that ceases to be the case then no, you aren't morally obliged to lay down your life in order to please the other person.

These words say it all: I no longer really wanted to be married

I'd go and chat to a solicitor, if I were you.

This is a hard one to give constructive advice on. I'm finding!

When you say he's in digs, how is he funding that? (Apologies if I've missed the answer to that)

Yes, I too wondered what he was living on
My dh hasn't worked since he was 58
He couldn't lived on jobseekers so sold his house and moved in with me.
Then at 61 he found he had a small private pension.
He's 64 now and we've had a bladt, but yes he's been dipping in his savings.

Blast!

Gosh! i know someone exactly like him, exactly!

Spoilt bloody wicked by his doting mummy.

Give up trying, you'll never change him either accept him or move out and on!

Hello again, the reason I don't post at nights is because that's when I'm at work.

So I will try to answer all of the questions asked:

Staples, I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. I don't know if this will be helpful or not but I once read on MN that you can leave a marriage just because you are unhappy. You don't have to have a big reason or justification. I struggle with guilt generally and understand that for some it's not quite so simple. You might want to start your own thread because you will always gain invaluable insights on MN. I am already feeling less conflicted after posting here and reading some of the advice posted to me.

My DP was in constant pain for about a year with his back. It cleared up mysteriously of its own accord about a year ago. Though he mentioned to me recently that he'd felt twinges again and it made me anxious because I thought "I won't (morally) be able to end this if he becomes ill again".

I still love him and he is the person I would wish to be with if money were not an issue. But my fear of living in the kind of poverty I experienced as a child is greater than my love for him. Are you able to go to therapy to talk this through with a counsellor? I got counselling on the NHS for free (via my GP) because I was suffering with depression.

Thickandthin & Dowser He lives in another town 3 hours away - he used to live in my city but that's another story. He rents a spare room in the home of a middle-aged couple he gets on well with.

For the past two years plus he's been able to fund his rent and other expenses because he was living on an inheritance. Now he has some money from his recent job that will tide him over for a few months. (After that, it's back to Square 1.)

Consequently I have not had to pay for his meals or nights out for two years and don't give him money. When he stays with me he buys his own food (he is diabetic and I am no cook) and is not here that long as he needs to go back to his town to help his sister look after their elderly mother. With his recent earnings he gave me a large amount of money because he wanted to help. But I have taken it as money to help with bills. He's also paid for a lot of nights out. So when he has money he is generous with it.

Since he lost his job I've offered to give the large amount he gave me back to him but he doesn't want it. I have savings and don't actually need the money - it was more the principle that he has to contribute towards household costs when he is earning.

When he was not earning - ie. before his job - I didn't ask him to contribute to household costs but I have the use of his car so it evens out. He still paid for his own food and travel expenses even when not earning (with his inheritance money).

It was in the first four years of knowing him that I paid for our (infrequent) nights out as he was jobless and I was working. I thought that equitable - but after 4 years it rankled. In that time he got a different job and put a lot of money into my account then, too, which he reckoned he owed me but which I didn't ask for.

Hope I've answered your questions clearly.

Hi Juneau,

Thanks for your constructive comments, which are really helpful, but I would just like to clarify a point you make.

I wonder how that makes you feel - to know that he sees himself as too good for the kind of work you do?

I guess perceptions of one's wealth are subjective and, as far as I am concerned, I'm poor compared to my high-earning friends in the City. However, I have friends up north who think I earn a decent living. I earn about as much as an experienced teacher, although I am not one. I'm a professionally qualified graduate in a poorly paid industry.

So I'm not working in a minimum wage job as such, although I would be fully prepared to do so were I out of work with no prospect of getting anything in my particular industry.

I work unsocial hours and spend most weekends and bank holidays at work. I'm freelance and sometimes work 14 consecutive days without a break. But come the winter I may only have two or three days' work a week because there is not so much work available.

I don't hate the work I do, just the company and the boss. But it is regular work, so I do it because I need to pay the mortgage. I'd rather not work there, but it's preferable to a minimum wage job, given my circumstances.

This is the essential conflict between me and DP. I will stay in a job I don't like to bring in money (probably related to my anxieties about poverty). He won't do anything else other than what he is passionate about. I have a good RL friend like this too and she has struggled with lack of money rather than do work she doesn't want to do. I wish I could be that way sometimes. I guess we're all different.

Morning dazed didn't want to hijack your thread, just find it very insightful thanks for letting me tag along

So do you think that if he just goes ahead and does what he wants to do, but doesn't move in with you, you have no financial commitments together, just get together for days and nights out etc., (and he pays his way) would you still want to be in an actual relationship?

Finally, just to update, DP came over last night and I had a talk with him. I said I was struggling with the fact he'd lost his job and all the implications of it.

I said I wasn't willing to wait years before he got another job in his preferred industry and if that is what he insists on, I can't be with him anymore.

I said that people in relationships (and families) make sacrifices in order to keep the family (or relationship) unit together, and I didn't see him being willing to making that effort.

I told him that I didn't want to have to live like I did as a kid again, in poverty.

He said he understood my feelings but was hopeful he would be able to get the kind of work he wants. And then he talked about the possibility of him doing some sort of mentoring or training role but still in the same field. His boss said he would give him a good reference. They weren't getting rid of him because he was rubbish, but because they were looking for someone with a broader skillset to take over the boss's role while he works overseas.

But listening to all this is what's got me into this situation in the first place.

He said he's "got some money to tide him over for a bit".
I said: "For three or four months? Then what?"

He said: "Then you won't see me." Meaning that he won't see me while he can't pay his way.

So that's it. We've agreed just to be friends. I feel much happier and much less burdened.

Hi Staples, of course you are not hijacking my thread - but even if you do I don't mind. If you can get some help or insight this way then please feel free .

For now we are back to being just friends, which I am happy with. It means he is free to find someone else, as I am. Not that I feel inclined to as I've kind of lost faith in the fact that I will ever find anyone who is right for me, or me them. I am certainly far from perfect.

I once read that in terms of relationships, there was an element of "how much craziness" you are willing to take on. And can someone tolerate your craziness? We all have our foibles and weak points. Some of us have more than others, clearly.

I have at least two other friends whose BF or DH is not working. And one friend who has just ended an 8-year relationship with her 'D'P, who was living off her and not even attempting to pay his way, despite being in work. It seems more common than people perhaps realise.

But to answer your question more fully, Staples, almost everyone on here has advised me to leave. In RL, my sisters used to too, but have now changed their opinion of him - well, that is until they hear he's lost his job.

I could carry on with him paying his way and just seeing him as and when because I don't have a particular desire to be married or living with someone. It was the thought of him getting ill that was worrying me too. He is diabetic, which adds a further risk.

But not just illness and being a carer in itself. He has made no financial provision for himself - no property, no pension, no nothing. He is from a once wealthy family whose fortunes have dwindled and perhaps it is just a different mindset among people from those backgrounds. I am from a poor working-class background and have always had a strong work ethic. Even if I didn't have to work for financial reasons I probably would have to find something to do, even voluntarily.

I hope you get the insights you need, Staples. Sorry to nag, but this is why it is a good idea to start your own thread, as a PP suggested - because you will read many things that resonate with you, you will read things you find difficult, but somewhere amongst it all will be that nugget of insight that changes your mindset or leads you towards a decision the clarity that you could not find before.

I think the MN co-operative is so brilliant it should be running the country. Sorry to be a bit flippant there. But this place is where you will find amazing insights.

...or leads you towards a decision with the clarity that you could not find before.

He is my friend. He makes me laugh. He listens to me. He cares for me when I am ill. He is always there for me. He is a gentle soul and a gentleman. He is intellectual and kind. And he touches my heart

Money can't buy this - you can be with someone who has plenty of money but does none of this - money is their focus - they lose the money and lose themselves but you may be the scapegoat - he also respects you enough to disappear when he can't meet his way

This man knows who he is with or without money - I think you are being given a life test here - your past isn't an issue because you were poor - it's an issue because your sf was abusive - no wonder your dm had MH issues - ask yourself how would you feel if he met someone else?

This is true. My previous partner is very well off now but I would not go back as he didn't show he cared, didn't make me laugh, tried to be the boss of me etc. Money cant buy love.

OP, I don't know you but reading this made me feel so sad for you.

"I am still the same emotionally scarred, crazy, useless pathetic excuse of a person."

No you are not. You may have scars, but they do not define you. Your care and concern for this man make that very clear. Nothing you have said makes you sound at all crazy, pathetic or useless. I wonder if these were labels you heard, or gave yourself, at a young age?

FWIW I think you've made the right decision with this man, who sounds lovely as a person but irresponsible as a partner, and I hope you can still have a rewarding friendship that lets you step back from feeling responsible for him.

I really recommend reading the book CoDependent No More - it's very helpful for recognising your tendency towards codependence and learning to step away.

He has made no financial provision for himself - no property, no pension, no nothing. He is from a once wealthy family whose fortunes have dwindled and perhaps it is just a different mindset among people from those backgrounds.
So he worked in the past but has no pension? How did he manage that in the UK? I think this comment does a huge disservice to perfectly responsible, conscientious people who come from wealthy backgrounds. His issues might be down to his particular upbringing, parents, whatever, but other people come from landed families that hit hard times and they don't act like princesses.

Well, this sounds like a case where talking actually helped! Glad you feel relieved OP and can enjoy the friendship without a sense of burden.Good luck

Greenberet - thanks for your post - what you say has been said before to me about money not buying happiness. He gives me things that are worth more than money. It is stressful as I have a generalised anxiety disorder and inevitably worry about money. If he met someone else I would find it difficult. I agree with the principle of letting someone go if you love them, even if their decision is to be with someone else. Easy words to say but hard to put into practice.

It's interesting what you say about my DM's mental health issues. After years of hospital admissions and electric shock treatment (which they did for schizophrenia patients in those days), my mother got better after my stepfather died. He was much older than her and she lived another 20 years after he passed, but didn't suffer any more "episodes" and never went back into hospital again. Thanks for caring.

RaininSummer. I dated someone wealthy during the time that we broke up and he tried to run my life too. I ended it and have no regrets.

NotTheFordType Thanks for your kind words. I feel useless and have done for some time. I have a good job but find it isolating due to working unsocial hours and I want to get out but don't know how. Every job application I make I get no response to and I'm convinced it's partly because of my age.
I would like to retrain but don't know what to do and fear that in my (early) 50s it's too late. Not all employers are ageist but it seems that most are.

I know this has nothing to do with my OP but that's one of the reasons why I have a downer on myself - I just feel that I've failed at life and really mucked everything up.

Thanks for the book recommendation - I will buy it. I do think I have a co-dependency problem.