I feel like my life is over

[Lifesonlyjustbeginning]

Hi everyone ,

This is my first time posting on mumsnet. I'm 23, two children (DS-4 , DD-18month) and my partner of 6 years left me 3 weeks ago without warning. I just need some reassurance that everything will be ok.

I'll give a brief insight into my life / relationship (its long so bare with me)

6 years we've been together ... 7 times he's walked out. Sometimes for a day, one time lasted 7 months, last year it was 2 months. I really don't know why I put myself through this pain?? :(

I'm a student (paediatric nursing) in my 3rd year. Shifts are long , tiring and I'm emotionally drained on a daily basis. sex became rare .... which was where most of our arguments stemmed from.

I have a prolapse from the birth and recently he had told me I had put on weight. I guess that's the real reason I didn't want it?

We went on a family holiday 4 weeks ago ... everything was fine. We laughed and loved and I felt immensely lucky (as I always do).... he told me every day he loved me , held my hand and cuddled up at night. Final night he smacked our DS. I was mortified... it was farrrrr to hard. So I put my arm up to prevent from hitting him again and he kicked (and very nearly broke) my right elbow.

We never have had a violent relationship , never . So that behaviour came as a complete shock to me? (But this is why I believe he's now left). From here we continued normal family life.

This was the Tuesday. By Friday he was gone. A friend of mine had messaged telling me had complemented her photos via Facebook inbox and was very interested in her single status. He went to stop at his dads house for a weekend (to give each other some space) BUT never returned.

The Monday he was due back I called , he sent a text saying he was going to Vegas and it was over, no going back.

I bombarded him with texts , calls, snap chats, for answers , I wrote a letter, ignored them all. Stupid me.

I then received videos of him having a great time in Vegas , a pool party. I instantly sent abuse telling him never to come home. His response was pictures of him having sexual activity with prostetutes. telling me how "tight" they were. Mortified.

I'm here 3/4 weeks later .... still can't find a way forward whilst he has moved out , loving life , going out every weekend , booked another holiday for next week and already on other dating sites? How is he so happy whilst I'm struggling to even get out of bed. I can't go to university , I can barely smile in the playground when dropping my son at school.

He did this the week before our son was to start primary school, how dare he! He's explanation was "we just aren't right for each other, we want different things out of life?" What a pile of s**t what he means is financially im not at his level yet and I'm a burden on him.

Every day I've asked to talk, try and figure out and actually considered forgiving him (am I deluded ????)

He's now laughing at me. He comes to pick the children up for tea twice a week (for 2 hours) and laughs at me whilst I'm in bits at the door. "Get a new fella and move on"

He's evil. Im so in love with him though it's unreal , we were just buying our first house together (well he was) for our family. His dad wanted me to sign to say I wouldn't take any money should we split up (the cheek)! His family have always had something against me. his mum even sent a message to say it serves me right for booking a holiday when I should be saving for a mortgage? I never go out with friends , I work/uni 24/7 and she has the authority to tell me what I should do with my money? I took her son and our children away and this is how he repays me. Maybe she should be educating her son on paying for wasting his money on prostetutes and new cars.

I do however have a bunch of supportive family and friends , Im living with my dad at the moment with the kids (he's amazing!) he's now doing the rooms up for us (so I can stay here and save for as long as I neee to) and everyone is rallying round me to keep pushing forward.

At night I find myself obsessing over where he is. Who's he with? What's he doing?. I'm trying to catch him out so that I have a reason to understand why he left. He says there's no other woman , but he's taken girls to hotels before (for sex) and I was at home none the wiser.

Sorry for waffling , I don't know how I'm going to get though this.

Deep down I know he isn't good for me. I know I don't deserve this! But for some reason I have this mental block that only remembers the amazing times together as a family..... not the man who is ruled by his willy and Walked out on his girlfriend and 2 children.

Please help

Keep the thought in your head, that he wanted to beat your child so hard, that when you intervened the smack, he almost broke your elbow.

Look at your child and think what that twat could have done to him.

That should kill a bit of the love you still feel.

Block him on social media, arrange handovers via a third party if possible, if not treat him as he's treated you, with contempt

Do not discuss anything except contact visits and hopefully you'll soon look back and wonder how you could ever bear to look at the lying, cheating, abusive twat

So he didn't turn up to swimming (for the handover)... made some lame excuse regarding lack of communication? Asked what the kids plans were today but has since ignored my response. Probably got a better offer elsewhere. Will he ever hurt like I am? If so I can't wait ..... xx

It sounds like you are going through a very difficult time.

Not read all the posts but from you're first post you sound like a lovely person and mum...you are young enough to start again. It's a blessing in disguise he's gone

you need to formalise contact now. He doesn't get to pick or chose when to see the DC's. Set times and if he misses the time too bad. He is still getting to control you. Can your DF do the handovers for a while??
Oh and contact CMS and get what is due for your DC's. It sounds like he can well afford more than £200 per month.

I'd be tempted to send the messages about him sleeping with prostitutes to his mum.

Take it one day at a time op and I agree about blocking him on all social media- it's just like picking at a scab. You have achieved so much in your life already, think how much more you will achieve once you are free of him. I know it hurts, but not as much as staying with this waste of space would in another 10 years.

Your life is just about to begin. When you're working with those poorly babies & their parents, you will truly see how precious life is. Good luck & stay strong. Do not let this person back into your life.

So i rang him before to ask him to drop sons bike off at the park (it was in his van) ... he dropped it off and suggested he "might as well come and spend time with the kids" .. so he came. He slogged behind me texting whilst I was watching our son on the bike and pushing daughter in pram. Every 2 minutes he had his phone out , starting to think there's another woman involved. He was very old , laughed altogether at one point. I then said "we are going home now" he came to the car put everything in and I drove off. I now feel so crappy for seeing him, sat on the bench together watching the kids play etc :( it's really hurt me. I wish I would have suggested me sitting in the car whilst he spends time with the kids. I've not come home and I'm sat in the car sobbing (both kids asleep behind me).... and he's shot off probably going meeting her. I'm so upset how he can't want his family!!!!! Xx

Meant to say he was very COLD (not old) lol xx

Hang on in there OP. I think what you did including him in park trip was extremely mature & a good thing to do for your kids.

Please see that you are better off without him.

X

Stay strong.

So apart from everything else - he assaulted your little boy and when you tried to stop him doing it again he kicked you?
Come ON! How can you forgive this?

Oh my lovely, I could not read all the messages, but I wanted to say your life is far from over. This pathetic, disgusting 'man' has done you the biggest favour - you will now be able to move on, eventually, and start your life again. Hold your head up high. He is filfth. You can and will do much better. In time, you will see this as a blessing in disguise.

Get support - you are going to need it.

Agree with posters saying you need distance. Try to get others to hand over the kids.

And get an STI check - who knows how long he's been banging prostitutes.

Look after yourself!

He has shown you who he is. Believe him. You absolutely do not need him and the sooner you realise what a lucky escape you have had, how blessed you are to have two healthy children, a wonderful supportive family and a great career in front of you, the sooner you will be able to move on and enjoy every day of your life.

I went through something similar and I wrote my feelings down in a book, how sad I was, how could I change the situation, why was I unlovable etc. When I rediscovered that book a while ago, I was horrified at the brainwashed, pathetic scribblings.
Happiness is the only ‘revenge’.

OP, you are far too young for this. Your life is just beginning, you have 2 very strong reasons to move on and respect yourself. Please seek help, there should be some free help at uni. Never let him come back.

He will almost certainly come back, and do all he can to charm his way back in. This stage will happen the moment you become settled and start becoming happy. Once he charms his way back into your world, he'll dick you about and fuck off again leaving you a mess. Rinse and repeat. Until one day he'll stop bothering...but that might be years away.

Keep busy, do whatever you need to to avoid contact and keep him away from your home (while ensuring he sees the kids if possible). Don't get into discussion in texts - one or two lines confirming arrangements. He's not owed or due any more. Ignore any attempts to draw you into drama or emotional ambushes. And socialise as much as you can. Go out for coffees. Take the kids out. Spoil yourself. What would you want for a friend in your situation? Ltitle treats, lazy baths, nice new bedding, cosy evenings binge watching TV with comfort food, enough sleep....treat yourself well and love yourself. You'll come back from this. A lot of us have been there. You'll look back and see the 'man' he really is at some point....

You want him to want your family, you want him to realise what he's lost, you want him to come crawling back..and he's doing nothing but laughing at you.

You sound soooo needy and pathetic.

Albeit, it's not your fault, you've been with this vile man for years and he's obviously treat you like utter shit and its what your used to.
He doesn't love you, you can't make him. If he did, he wouldn't have done half of the things he's done.
He'll do nothing but use you and you'll let him.
You need to grieve over the loss of the relationship and the 'perfect family' picture you had in your head for all these years. Get the tears all out.
Then look at yourself in the mirror, tell your self to get a grip, that you've got 2 kids to think about, you can't make him love you, your not going to used as a door mat any more and give the dick head any more satisfaction of seeing you upset and desperate for him.

Tell him, the only contact you want with him is over the children and to keep it brief. No more inviting himself to the park with you and the kids. If he wants the kids he has them on his own on a day you've both arranged.
Pick yourself up off the floor, stop being needy, it's frankly embarrassing and get on with your life and let this piece of shit ruin someone's else's. You'll find someone who deserves you.
The end

@cherry - fucking harsh

Nappy- someone needs to be. Throughout all the thread people have sensitively gave her advice and told her what an abusive prick this bloke is. She's that needy and desperate, she's taking no notice.

Hi cherry. I appreciate you being harsh but please understand it's difficult for me. I have taken there advice . Yes I'm feeling needy and desperate because my family has been torn apart overnight with no warning? I hope you never find yourself in this situation. And I hope you learn to become a nice person one day and not kick someone when they are down.

@cherryontopp You can describe it in a way that allows someone to see things differently and in a way that just reinforces how they feel about themselves.
Nobody ever got bullied into behaving more sensibly. Not in long term anyway.

OP - I’ve been where you’ve been. It’s like your entire world collapsed overnight and the only thing that will fix it is to have the “love” back. Thing is, is not love and even if he comes back as per this lovely quote from Alice In Wonderland: I cant go back to yesterday. I was a different person then”.

Even if he came back you couldn’t erase what happened. You’d live in fear of it happening again. You’d look at him and see what he’s done in every moment and every action, trapped between hope and the vivid memory of what he did. Imagine months and years of that.

The aftermath of abusive relationships need to be treated like addiction. We get addicted to drama, conditioned to seek the thrill of more pain and temporary relief of the drug. When it’s quiet and normal it feels wrong because over time your entire way of thinking, your whole nervous system is taught to respond to the push/pull strategy of the abuser.

Look up Freedom Programme tonight and find one near you as a matter of priority. Do it for YOU. And look at the next 3 years. Where do you want to be in 2020. On Mumsnet, asking for advice on how to deal with yet another crisis or with your career under your belt, with a man who loves and respects you and with your children secure in knowing their mother is happy?

I know it may not seem like it at the moment but one day the tables will turn. You will have your hard earned job as a nurse and a loving partner who you deserve. He will always be a waste of space.

@Lifesonlyjustbeginning if you ever find yourself wanting him back/missing him etc just think about how would you feel if your DDs partner ever treated her like your ex did you.

If he hit your future DGCs, kicked your DD, probably cheated on her and walked out and left them all behind and proceeded to send your DD pictures/videos of him with other women and telling her how much better they were.

What would you tell her and how would you feel?

That's all you need to know.

Block him on all social media so you don’t see any pictures he’s tagged in. It’s hard but you need to ask yourself whether you would actually want him back after all the shit he has done.

He sounds like an immature cunt who was lucky to have you. You say he’s a good father- bullshit. A good father wouldn’t treat their children’s mother in this way. Take everything he loves away from him and make him fight for it back.

You and your DC deserve a real man, and quite frankly he is not it xxxxxxxx