I feel like my life is over

[Lifesonlyjustbeginning]

Hi everyone ,

This is my first time posting on mumsnet. I'm 23, two children (DS-4 , DD-18month) and my partner of 6 years left me 3 weeks ago without warning. I just need some reassurance that everything will be ok.

I'll give a brief insight into my life / relationship (its long so bare with me)

6 years we've been together ... 7 times he's walked out. Sometimes for a day, one time lasted 7 months, last year it was 2 months. I really don't know why I put myself through this pain?? :(

I'm a student (paediatric nursing) in my 3rd year. Shifts are long , tiring and I'm emotionally drained on a daily basis. sex became rare .... which was where most of our arguments stemmed from.

I have a prolapse from the birth and recently he had told me I had put on weight. I guess that's the real reason I didn't want it?

We went on a family holiday 4 weeks ago ... everything was fine. We laughed and loved and I felt immensely lucky (as I always do).... he told me every day he loved me , held my hand and cuddled up at night. Final night he smacked our DS. I was mortified... it was farrrrr to hard. So I put my arm up to prevent from hitting him again and he kicked (and very nearly broke) my right elbow.

We never have had a violent relationship , never . So that behaviour came as a complete shock to me? (But this is why I believe he's now left). From here we continued normal family life.

This was the Tuesday. By Friday he was gone. A friend of mine had messaged telling me had complemented her photos via Facebook inbox and was very interested in her single status. He went to stop at his dads house for a weekend (to give each other some space) BUT never returned.

The Monday he was due back I called , he sent a text saying he was going to Vegas and it was over, no going back.

I bombarded him with texts , calls, snap chats, for answers , I wrote a letter, ignored them all. Stupid me.

I then received videos of him having a great time in Vegas , a pool party. I instantly sent abuse telling him never to come home. His response was pictures of him having sexual activity with prostetutes. telling me how "tight" they were. Mortified.

I'm here 3/4 weeks later .... still can't find a way forward whilst he has moved out , loving life , going out every weekend , booked another holiday for next week and already on other dating sites? How is he so happy whilst I'm struggling to even get out of bed. I can't go to university , I can barely smile in the playground when dropping my son at school.

He did this the week before our son was to start primary school, how dare he! He's explanation was "we just aren't right for each other, we want different things out of life?" What a pile of s**t what he means is financially im not at his level yet and I'm a burden on him.

Every day I've asked to talk, try and figure out and actually considered forgiving him (am I deluded ????)

He's now laughing at me. He comes to pick the children up for tea twice a week (for 2 hours) and laughs at me whilst I'm in bits at the door. "Get a new fella and move on"

He's evil. Im so in love with him though it's unreal , we were just buying our first house together (well he was) for our family. His dad wanted me to sign to say I wouldn't take any money should we split up (the cheek)! His family have always had something against me. his mum even sent a message to say it serves me right for booking a holiday when I should be saving for a mortgage? I never go out with friends , I work/uni 24/7 and she has the authority to tell me what I should do with my money? I took her son and our children away and this is how he repays me. Maybe she should be educating her son on paying for wasting his money on prostetutes and new cars.

I do however have a bunch of supportive family and friends , Im living with my dad at the moment with the kids (he's amazing!) he's now doing the rooms up for us (so I can stay here and save for as long as I neee to) and everyone is rallying round me to keep pushing forward.

At night I find myself obsessing over where he is. Who's he with? What's he doing?. I'm trying to catch him out so that I have a reason to understand why he left. He says there's no other woman , but he's taken girls to hotels before (for sex) and I was at home none the wiser.

Sorry for waffling , I don't know how I'm going to get though this.

Deep down I know he isn't good for me. I know I don't deserve this! But for some reason I have this mental block that only remembers the amazing times together as a family..... not the man who is ruled by his willy and Walked out on his girlfriend and 2 children.

Please help

Of course it is normal to be obsessing about him BUT it is also very damaging for you. Definitely get the counselling you need and reread this thread every time you feel low and every time you feel like contacting him.

The obsessing will pass. It just takes time. It's painful though. Write a list of things you can do that don't involve him. Read a book, do some studying, play with the children, watch a film. go for a walk, help your dad with the redecorating, find a new hobby, see a friend....anything that does not involve him. I know at the moment it is all-consuming which is why you have to divert your attention elsewhere. It will be difficult at first but it will get easier, I can promise you that.

hes on the birth certificates yes, but I would never stop him seeing them. Even tho he's majorly shitty to me he's still fantastic with the kids and they love their daddy.

I feel like I miss the fantasy of the family. He was never going to be the man who stayed. He would probably leave me again next year. I need to be firm and not let him come back into my life (even if he ever wants to!)

Tomorrow I'm starting the day with no tears :) I can't let him defeat me.

His loss, nobody will put up with his shit.

Hugs and kisses to everyone else going through this. Worst pain in the world! I miss him so bad . Whyyyy!!! Xxxxxx

Fuck me, this is the worst thing I have read for ages. I'm so sorry, OP, I know that the pain is indescribable. I promise you that one day in the future, you will feel nothing but disdain towards this man. Please do NOT write him a letter. He doesn't care, he won't absorb what you are saying, and it will ultimately make you feel worse. You need to disengage aside from essential hand overs, otherwise you are just going to prevent yourself from being able to move on from this. In time, you are going to feel so much happier, I can assure you.

Stop writing him letters etc.. you're merely feeding his over grown Ego... he will laugh at it and know he still has you exactly where he wants you.. on your knees sobbing...

get your dignity off the floor and start taking back control Lady .. you will get through this... oh and get the Child Support sorted out Legally and Fast.. he's been underpaying you forever

OP. You sound wonderful: ambitious, kind and honest and you will get through this.

Many posters before me said very sensible things so I won't add much. I've been where you've been and it seemed like hell but as Churchill said "If you're going through hell, just go faster". It was tough to start with but gave me oodles of strength I didn't know I had. It's character building.

To cheer you up and put perspective on things for you I'll leave you with this picture. It will really be like that.

And check out the freedom programme. It's great for situations like yours.

Do whatever it takes to stop following his activities. There is no point to it and it's all smoke and mirrors, anyway. He's thrown away his family. He's not worth your tears.

Op read h g Tudor and see if you recognise your ex there. He sounds like a narcissist and that is not a label I use lightly.

Congrats on your placement NICU will be so rewarding. If I had your youth, family support and job prospects I would feel like the whole world was my Oyster! Take the referral to counseling and commit to understanding what has kept you with this guy. You will learn lessons from this that will help you for the rest of your life. I understand how you are feeling at the moment, distraction is your friend at these times. Movies, study, shopping, anything. You will get through this.

Oh.my.god.

I am speechless.

What an utter DICK!!!!!!

You sound amazing on the other hand.

Your children are so lucky having a great mum like you.

For their sake you must move on.

His behaviour is terrible.

Hold you head high & know you have the moral high ground.

You will be fine; you are going to have a good career and you will be far better off without him long term.

Tell your uni course the full story, get support from them, get help from citizens advice, you will be find.

What a courageous person you are, OP!

To be almost qualified with two little ones is a tremendous achievement. You're not going to let this twat stand in the way of your future, right? Right. I thought not.

You've got this. You really do.

You have a career, the kids and amazing family. He's your loser hunni. You've got this!

What Golden said. This will pass. You will feel better. If you haven't blocked or unfollowed him on social media do that.

Thanks everyone. Lets hope I wake up in the morning feeling positive :) sick of these disturbed sleeps. Bloody awful. I need to forget what I feel and remember what I deserve Xx

How old is he OP? Sorry if I've missed it in one of your posts.

I'm 7 months down the line, and my ex was pretty similar although his thing was drinking and going out.

I've slowly started to realise that it's the fear of the unknown, and the dreams you had for the future that you miss not actually him.

You really do have to take each day at a time, and ride out each emotion. I had days when I hated him in the morning and by the afternoon I wanted him back. It is a roller-coaster and only time will help.

I found that anti depressants helped me at first to just to take the edge off and level me out a bit, but I only needed them for a couple of months.

You and your DC don't deserve the way this piece of shit has treated you. You can hold your head high and know that you have put your DC first. He can rot in hell (with my ex).

Sending you lots of love and hugs. This is a great place for support xxx

Thankyou again everyone. Sickofthisalready he is also 23, nearly 24. Very immature. I feel exactly the same , hate him one minute love him the next! I've woke up so sad wanting him back :( :( .... I'm seeing him at 11 to handover kids.

He went out last night and mutual friends put pictures online of him having a great time. It hurts, hurts a lot.....

Xxxx

Has anyone been in my position (left multiple times) and then finally come round and beg for you back? I I want him to be so sorry! And then I can say no chance. :) xxx

Ask your Dad to do handover if he can. A bit of time and space is needed plus it won't hurt him to think you're busy and your not needing to see him.
You're doing so well, it's a shitty stick he has thrown you. As for his mother, tell her to wind her nasty little neck in unless she wants to see the sexual messages he sent you ... then she'll see what a classy boy she has !
Arrghhh .... I'm so angry for you !

Stay off social media or block whoever is necessary to stop you seeing him on nights out etc.
You will only make yourself feel worse.

As others have said, stay busy, concentrate on your children/uni.
Chase up the counselling and utilise every bit of support you have from friends and family.

Take time out for you and build a life that doesn't include him.

It's amazing how strong we can be when we have to be, just give yourself time.

Lifes, you don't really want HIM back. You just want all this pain to go away.

Him leaving has caused the pain, so you think him coming back will take away the pain.

This is clearly not logical, but human brains are surprisingly stupid sometimes, especially when they are tired and sad. So to answer your question, it's completely normal to think you want him back even though you know it's not in your best interests.

So don't beat yourself up about that.

I hope today is better than yesterday.

You are being so strong OP!! Do not beat yourself up for feeling the way you do and for wanting him back. You love him. Normal people can't just switch that off overnight...but narcissist can! One minute he was loving and the next he was gone...this is because he is an empty person. Be glad that you are not like him...unfortunately the only thing that will help is time. Keep ignoring him, be strong and do not write or beg or cry to him. Of course you will need to cry but do it with your trusted friends and family, never to him. Every time he sees you upset or begging him back it feeds his ego and makes him feel superior. Once he gets used to you no longer giving him that he will start to come to you for attention and that it when it is so hard to be wrong and resist. Once your love turns to anger it will be much easier.

Also, find ways to avoid seeing him on social media, that is the hardest thing about a breakup!

Keep going, you are being amazing already, rely on the wonderful support network you have...it will get better..😀💪🏻

All break ups are sad but the break up from someone so abusive takes the emotional strain to another level. Surround yourself with supportive people and ask for help on here and in real life, do not ever get suckered back by him in any way even if he is hugely remorseful. It will be false completely. The man is dangerous, truly.

It is all about him

It's upsetting but there is a song by Henry Rollins called liar its on you tube and describes the sort of evilness of someone who treats women so horrifically.

Stop looking at his pictures, thinking about him etc. You are only going to continue hurting yourself by doing so.

You are stronger than that. He is a slimy piece of shit that does not deserve your attention in any form.

Get a haircut/make over if it will help you feel more confident about yourself. Go out with friends when you can (not to where he goes) and have fun. Spend time with your kids having fun.

Also make him have supervised contact only with the children. He's already hit them once and almost broke your arm, it would be a bad move to allow him to see them unsupervised. Not with you there though, no trying to play happy families.

I hope you pull through this and I am sure you will. But you need to think about yourself and your children's needs and safety, not what he is doing/who he is doing. Chances are he will regret this early mid life crisis and be desperate for you back in a few years, maybe months. Don't let him, he is abusive and not worth anyone's time.

Block him from your social media, get child maintenance sorted, go to Uni, spend good times with your family and friends and plan for your future.

You are the winner in this - he has lost his family. He's a rubbish dad and partner. From your posts I can't see he has any positive points.

You are lucky he has gone even though you don't feel like this.

He is not kind to you, he is violent and he laughs when you're in emotional pain. That is not what you want.

I promise you will get over him, it is not easy and it will take time. But I am so glad he's gone. How DARE he hit you.

Get angry, make sure you block him on social media. It's hard with DCs to completely forget him, but concentrate on yourself. I'm glad you have supportive friends and can stay with your dad.
Good luck, you can do it.

OP - google Stockholm Syndrome. It's where you fall desperately in love with your 'captor' - you've never known anything other than him, this way of life. It's natural to want to hold on to it, however nasty and bad it gets, because you've never known anything else. And it's the 'devil you know'.

Except you have done this - he's left before. He'll do it again - you do need to see that and move away from this dependency on him. You have your dc, you have your chosen career, you have lots going for you.

He, on the other hand, will be left with nothing; prostitutes and sex do not make for long-term happiness, however much he wants you to believe that! You reckon he's having a great time? Really?

While you have your kids to cuddle?

Put on your brave face. Show him you have moved on, and you are sooooooooooooo much mature than him!