How to quietly disentangle myself from this situation?

[BlueGarden]

I need advice on how to pull back from this situation.

I have a very close male friend - we talked openly about a lot of things, did a fair amount together, and chatted at least online most days. I posted a thread here at the time (under a different name) about how to know if he saw me as more than a friend or not as I had developed feelings and was confused.

After a period of things feeling quite intense (more frequent contact, more spending time alone together) he pulled back quite noticeably. I ended up telling him about my feelings, he acknowledged our connection but told me he had just started seeing someone else (which I hadn't known about), so I told him I needed to go NC while I sorted my head out. He reacted quite badly when I told him I wanted to go NC - he has since apologised but at the time was quite unpleasant.

We've since fallen back in touch (mutual friends, NC was impossible) and for various reasons I can honestly say I don't have feelings any more as have seen a different side of him. When I broke NC I told him my feelings were gone (they are), and we have over time got back into many of our old habits, albeit with much less intensity.

And while I enjoy our friendship at times, he is always talking to me about how happy this other girl is making him, how much he likes her, and how his life is so much better now. I find it really hard at times- the feelings are gone, but the feeling of rejection is still there. I've stopped contacting him on purpose, but he is still contacting me most days to chat online.

It's only been a little over a month as well - he and the other girl aren't "official" yet but he has obviously fallen very hard for her. Which is fine. I just don't need to hear all about it.

I don't want to say anything, but is there any other way to disentangle myself from this quietly?

You are also part of the dysfunctional dynamic that exists between you and as long as you don’t take responsibility for your behaviour and change it, you will continue to go round in circles in your wait for him to be different.

Yes, good point to see how you're facilitating this dynamic.

Have you looked at codependency? The feeling sorry for this manipulative bore may be an indication you may be in the codependent camp (look it up - not everyone gets what codependency is about)

Sorry - i should have clarified. We sit on the same floor at work. I can see him from my desk and he passes me every time he goes to the photocopier. I've asked to change projects though which will at least put me on a different floor!

Our work also overlaps. But I am also applying for a transfer at present to a different city. Fingers crossed!

And i know I listen because I like to feel needed and am picking up scraps. I am getting better though it's just hard to reset these habits.

But this thread really has helped - am in a much better space than when I started it thanks to you lovely lot

BlueGarden to be absolutely frank, you shouldn't be discussing his or any other personal business in the office. It is extremely unprofessional and you have every reason not to pop your head up with a listening ear every time he goes to the photocopier. Your colleagues must be carrying the workloads.

Moving to another floor is one thing but I really hope your request for a transfer to another city is for reasons other to 'escape' him.

You are completely enabling his behaviour. Put your professionalism and career first while in the office and nip any conversation starters and emails ifrom him pretty sharpish. I can't imagine what your manager must think of all this carry on. Surely your productivity is being severely affected.

I think you need to cut him short. Why on earth do you feel sorry for him? He's self obsessed. Tell him you don't know what to say, it's something he needs to sort out his own relationship, you can't help him. If you're really brave, tell him you're sick of listening!

You're all right. Believe it or not it doesn't affect my productivity too much. But - thanks, you've given me something to think about

I think I'm going to bow out now, but thanks for all the advice

Good luck with continued disentangling. It really will be for the best, hard as it is. Come back anytime if you need support and we'll be rooting for you.

As this thread was so useful and helpful, I wanted to give you lovely people an update.

Friend and his gf broke up and friend was quite broken, which caused a real upswing in contact to me including at random times - probably more often than ever, including one particularly intense day when he was in touch at hourly intervals throughout the day. (!) He was quite upset about the breakup etc and wanted god knows from me but I didn't like it. I felt myself being drawn back into the web.

We remained in touch, but one evening he messaged me because his ex had messaged him and he wanted to tell someone and get advice about how to respond. It was the final straw for me - I told him he had hurt me, and that I was not the person to talk to about these things. It was long overdue. He went cold on me afterward. I still feel a bit raw and hurt about the whole thing but am pleased I put those boundaries in place.

It's still hard but two steps forward, one step back.

Tough love always welcome!