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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to quietly disentangle myself from this situation?

86 replies

BlueGarden · 21/09/2017 07:38

I need advice on how to pull back from this situation.

I have a very close male friend - we talked openly about a lot of things, did a fair amount together, and chatted at least online most days. I posted a thread here at the time (under a different name) about how to know if he saw me as more than a friend or not as I had developed feelings and was confused.

After a period of things feeling quite intense (more frequent contact, more spending time alone together) he pulled back quite noticeably. I ended up telling him about my feelings, he acknowledged our connection but told me he had just started seeing someone else (which I hadn't known about), so I told him I needed to go NC while I sorted my head out. He reacted quite badly when I told him I wanted to go NC - he has since apologised but at the time was quite unpleasant.

We've since fallen back in touch (mutual friends, NC was impossible) and for various reasons I can honestly say I don't have feelings any more as have seen a different side of him. When I broke NC I told him my feelings were gone (they are), and we have over time got back into many of our old habits, albeit with much less intensity.

And while I enjoy our friendship at times, he is always talking to me about how happy this other girl is making him, how much he likes her, and how his life is so much better now. I find it really hard at times- the feelings are gone, but the feeling of rejection is still there. I've stopped contacting him on purpose, but he is still contacting me most days to chat online.

It's only been a little over a month as well - he and the other girl aren't "official" yet but he has obviously fallen very hard for her. Which is fine. I just don't need to hear all about it.

I don't want to say anything, but is there any other way to disentangle myself from this quietly?

OP posts:

PopeMortificado · 23/09/2017 13:58

Another vote here for cut contact.

He's not and has never really been a friend to you. You see him as a potential partner and still have feelings for him which he does not return.

Not only that but he is treating you badly by talking to you about a new partner knowing how you feel and being all "too busy".

He makes you feel rejected and bad about yourself. How is this enhancing your life exactly? Beyond holding on to some misguided hope of him changing his feelings towards you, there is no point in this "friendship" continuing.

Original poster

BlueGarden · 24/09/2017 02:21

Thanks all. You're right.

It'll start tomorrow when I'll see him again but will be hard. Any tips?

OP posts:

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 24/09/2017 22:10

Decide your boundaries and stick to them even if you want to change your mind when he acts nice.

A couple of boundaries suggested up thread were limiting the number of messages you send and delaying responding by a set amount of time. You can think up other ones for real life contact like topics you will/won't talk about.

Good luck. Entanglements with narcissists are tricky! The more distance you can create the easier it is to see clearly that he's not being a good friend at all.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 24/09/2017 22:14

And thank you - I love my nickname and I've never been able to think of a cool one before. I'm keeping this one forever!

Isetan · 25/09/2017 17:33

Tips: getting sucked back into old dynamics is a choice, you aren't powerless and he has no power over you. NC is your responsibility, not his.

Original poster

BlueGarden · 25/09/2017 22:31

Good tips thanks!

He's now come back all nice, including saying that some 'red flags' came up with the gf over the weekend and he's having to take time to see how he feels about it.

I am trying to stay aloof with limited success but at least when my mind clears and we're not actually chatting I am kicking myself for feeling sucked in rather than just getting stupidly happy about the contact. 'Tis hard though. I need to be strong

OP posts:

JaneEyre70 · 25/09/2017 22:47

If you're mainly chatting online, deactivate whatever account you are using or change your mobile number and take that option away. If he's opening his heart online but barely glancing at you in public, you're not going to lose much. Keep any face to face chat light hearted and strictly work or weather related so he can't accuse you of being difficult. He's using you, sweetheart, and you deserve better. It's easy to say and so hard in reality, but you'll feel an awful lot better without this taking up your headspace.

honeyroar · 25/09/2017 22:48

Just say "oh right" and say you're a bit busy at that moment. Don't get yourself dragged back into it all again.

springydaffs · 25/09/2017 23:02

Is it me or is this waaaay over the top for two people who aren't even in a relationship. It's mind boggling how much contact you have, way to much for even a relationship.

He's playing you, surely.

Butterymuffin · 25/09/2017 23:15

Don't respond to the relationship stuff. Just blank it completely. If you're actually in front of him, 'oh right' or 'oh well' depending on the utterance, then change the subject. Ignore it altogether in any messaging. If he asks you directly about it, I would go with 'I don't really have an opinion about it' or 'It doesn't feel appropriate to comment on your personal life'.

He does know he shouldn't be sharing these things with you. He is just overriding that and wanting to make use of your good nature and feelings towards him. Do not let him do this. It will set you back.

SweetLuck · 25/09/2017 23:32

but it feels almost like he needs me for some reason but resents me for it

You are trying to imagine some complex tortured version of events where you are star crossed lovers but he can't see it yet.

He is loving the attention, but feels guilty for stringing you along.

That's what I think anyway.

Theycalledmethewildrose · 25/09/2017 23:35

He is loving the attention, but feels guilty for stringing you along.

This. But before you think that his possible guilt indicates feelings, please remember his ego is larger than any guilt and he will continue doing what he is doing. He has no reason to stop.

Original poster

BlueGarden · 26/09/2017 00:11

Thanks for the tough love! Keep it coming - I need it!

Tomorrow I will be better at the boundaries.

I especially like the star crossed lovers point. You're right. I don't want to be feeding someone's ego

OP posts:

Original poster

BlueGarden · 26/09/2017 09:59

springydaffs yeah it's not normal - before I revealed my hand it was even less normal. I didn't see it at the time though.

OP posts:

Original poster

BlueGarden · 01/10/2017 09:37

Thanks again everyone for the words of wisdom - it was a tough week of very frequent contact, it seems him and new gf had a serious disagreement of sorts and he wanted my advice. On one particularly intense day he was in touch near constantly for affirmation and advice, and when I saw him socially he was chattier and friendlier than he had been in a long time. I was careful not to get drawn in but it was still hard not to, although was proud I never asked what it was actually about.

It's been hard (I can't block him sadly) but I am still aware of when I slip up and really really trying ... but, feeling more resilient at least, and have worked hard to not give too much etc.

He said he is unhappy with how things were resolved with gf and will "do what he needs to" next week and it kills me not to ask for more details but I know I can't.

But, on the plus side, it helps that I find talking to him much more boring than I used to!

Thanks again MN x

OP posts:

springydaffs · 01/10/2017 23:46

Could you look for another job?

I know, seriously drastic. But you are up to your neck in his gloop. He drips drama and has you arse over tit constantly - yet you're getting none of the goods: precisely zero. ALL the drama, ALL the headfuckery, precisely NONE of the good stuff /benefits /rewards. He is seriously fucking with you.

Personally I think it's better to vacate the premises of things get hopelessly sticky and bad. Yy why should you have to leave etc etc but it's up to you: stay and have your head and heart fried on a constant loop or go somewhere else.

Original poster

BlueGarden · 02/10/2017 08:41

That's a point spring but I love my job. I worked hard to get it and to excel at it, and worry if I did leave I'd feel I'd let myself down if that makes sense?

OP posts:

Butterymuffin · 02/10/2017 08:54

If you're going to stay in the same job, you need to get much 'busier'. I don't want to sound overly critical because I can see you're really trying hard. But even on an 'intense' day, being in touch 'near constantly' is too much. It's him leaning on you excessively. Don't be afraid to say, if it looks like he is getting into a run of messaging you, 'you may not get me for a bit now because I'm going into a meeting / research discussion / trip to buy supplies / something plausible for your job' and then just stop replying for a few hours at least. And do really try not to give advice. That's being drawn into the drama. Try 'it's really your decision / only you know how you feel / I can't comment as an outsider' type replies. You've worked hard on distancing yourself - don't let him bog you down with, as springy said, all of the headfuckery and none of the good stuff.

Theycalledmethewildrose · 02/10/2017 08:54

If you can't leave your job, and I totally understand that is much easier to say than do, I would seriously cut all personal contact with this man. You say you can't because you work together but of course you can. You can stop going for lunch together, you can sit other than beside him, you can keep all conversation neutral and refuse to discuss anything personal and swiftly change the subject. Treat him as you would a very senior colleague, be polite but do not engage in anything personal.

This man is playing games, perhaps from selfishness, perhaps from egotism. Why really doesn't matter though. He is using you. He does not have any romantic interest in you. He is fully aware you want/ed more. It is all very one sided and all 'gains' from this 'friendship' are his. Distance yourself because you will look back in years to come and cringe at how you put up with his scraps. I know I sound really harsh. I've been you for years and years. i wish I had cut the strings years before I did and saved myself so much humiliation and hurt.

honeyroar · 02/10/2017 22:41

He sounds bad enough as a friend, he'd be a bloody pain in the arse as a boyfriend! As his girlfriend is probably finding out. Hot and cold, full of his own importance. Avoid, avoid avoid!

Original poster

BlueGarden · 03/10/2017 10:50

At least after a particularly intense day of contact yesterday (I tried very hard to do the above with some success) due to him wanting to talk about his relationship problems I certainly see him in a less favourable light now. The intensity is too much for me and at times it's just boring. I am seeing a really deeply insecure side I'd not seen before.

Does it make me week or is it progress that today I mostly just feel sorry for him?

OP posts:

Theycalledmethewildrose · 03/10/2017 11:01

OP you sound lovely and kind but you need to be lovely and kind to yourself rather tan him.

But please explain what a 'particularly intense day' sounds like and how you responded?

I'm at a loss as to why you continue to

Take his calls
After taking a call don't say 'there is somebody at the door/I was just on my way out, speakto you soon' and politely hang up.

Theycalledmethewildrose · 03/10/2017 11:01

*than

Talkingmouse · 03/10/2017 13:41

Don't want to sound harsh...but sounds like you have ignored the consistent advice thus far.

Why was yesterday 'intense'? Take control. Respond less frequently, be briefer, ignore calls. Get on with your life elsewhere.

Butterymuffin · 03/10/2017 14:46

He sounds boring and self-centred. I'm glad you are starting to see this now. But you really can do more to keep him at a distance. Have you tried just sending one message, when he starts this up, saying something like 'oh dear, sorry I'm up against a deadline today so I'll be off the radar for most of the time' and then just ignoring any other calls or messages? You don't even have to explain yourself, of course, but people often feel uncomfortable simply blanking a person so I'm offering a possible 'excuse'.

Ask yourself this: why do you feel you should listen to all this angst from him and talk to him about it?
If it's about 'being a good friend', well, he's not a good friend to you, he's just thinking of himself. If it's because 'he relies on me', well, he'll have to learn not to. You are not obliged to be there for him. You're really not.

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