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Original poster

How to quietly disentangle myself from this situation?

86 replies

BlueGarden · 21/09/2017 07:38

I need advice on how to pull back from this situation.

I have a very close male friend - we talked openly about a lot of things, did a fair amount together, and chatted at least online most days. I posted a thread here at the time (under a different name) about how to know if he saw me as more than a friend or not as I had developed feelings and was confused.

After a period of things feeling quite intense (more frequent contact, more spending time alone together) he pulled back quite noticeably. I ended up telling him about my feelings, he acknowledged our connection but told me he had just started seeing someone else (which I hadn't known about), so I told him I needed to go NC while I sorted my head out. He reacted quite badly when I told him I wanted to go NC - he has since apologised but at the time was quite unpleasant.

We've since fallen back in touch (mutual friends, NC was impossible) and for various reasons I can honestly say I don't have feelings any more as have seen a different side of him. When I broke NC I told him my feelings were gone (they are), and we have over time got back into many of our old habits, albeit with much less intensity.

And while I enjoy our friendship at times, he is always talking to me about how happy this other girl is making him, how much he likes her, and how his life is so much better now. I find it really hard at times- the feelings are gone, but the feeling of rejection is still there. I've stopped contacting him on purpose, but he is still contacting me most days to chat online.

It's only been a little over a month as well - he and the other girl aren't "official" yet but he has obviously fallen very hard for her. Which is fine. I just don't need to hear all about it.

I don't want to say anything, but is there any other way to disentangle myself from this quietly?

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueGarden · 22/09/2017 09:51

I am just so angry with myself. When I declared my feelings and went NC the first time I felt so good and strong. Now I just feel weak and rejected again.

His angry defensiveness really caught me off guard - I felt OK when he apologised but now I feel like a doormat

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueGarden · 22/09/2017 09:53

Sorry for moaning so much, I just feel quite raw right now about it all.

OP posts:
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 22/09/2017 09:59

There's good advice here about gradually pulling away and keeping things light, and as you know, asking him to go for coffee was not that.

But as well as responding less to his messages, you also need to give him less head space. You're clearly keen to understand what he's thinking and feeling, but that's trying to bind yourself closer to him.

Controlling where your mind wanders is even harder than controlling how often you message him, but you've got to try: at the moment you're coming across as really passive, just wanting him to call the shots.

CardinalCat · 22/09/2017 10:00

he sounds like bloody hard work. Honestly OP, unless he is your soulmate-bosom-buddy-of-all-time and you get real, genuine fulfilment from the friendship, I'd say run a mile. The friendship/relationship sounds dysfunctional and he sounds toxic, manipulative and needy. fuck that. Spend your time with people who are deserving of your love and friendship.

Justaboy · 22/09/2017 10:09

BG

You'll get over it, yes it hurts like buggery but it will fade . Is this man really making you happy? he's with another woman for Christ sakes! have you no pride?.

As the song went;

If it doesn't come naturally leave it"

Substitute "it" for "him" in this case. And do leave him. I've been there before and done just what your doing a girl i once though the world off was being "serviced" by a mate of mine and we were supposed friends.

Sorry It is not working for you and it will not work :-(

BellaNoche · 22/09/2017 10:10

Oh OP, that's really mean of him.
You are worth a lot more than this.
Agree with others here, slow the replies to him right down and distance yourself. Don't let him pull your strings. He is not a nice one at all reading the thread.
Catch up with other friends this weekend and have a bit of fun Flowers

CardinalCat · 22/09/2017 10:14

It is totally natural that you feel raw. you did the right thing to go nc but by making contact again you have allowed yourself to feel this pain while it IS still too raw. Go nc again, for the sake of your sanity. this can't be good for you love x

Whinesalot · 22/09/2017 10:14

Just pull back gradually. Be coolly friendly when others are around. Don't contact him yourself and be pleasant but brief in your replies to his messages until he gives up.

You do need to pout distance between you both to allow you to move on.

Theycalledmethewildrose · 22/09/2017 10:22

Take control of the low contact and set the rules before he does. Trust me it is easier to control and carry it through than be forced to accept it. Trust me.

Isetan · 22/09/2017 10:24

You need to stop asking why he's behaving like this and instead, ask why you are putting up with it. Your intense friendship was unlikely to survive the other getting a romantic other, add a declaration of love into mix and I think you both have done a bad job at pretending that the dynamic between you hasn't probably irrecoverably changed.

Move on and don't kid yourself again that NC is impossible, difficult yes, impossible no.

Bluntness100 · 22/09/2017 10:26

Reading your posts, did you get back in touch with him op? I also think you're majorly hung up on this guy, you're over analysing, he may just be uncomfortable with the behaviour as he's realising you're not over it. If he wanted to be with you, he would be, I'm sorry if that's harsh. Time to move on and give it up, for your own sake.💐

Sadlady77 · 22/09/2017 10:29

You are not weak! To be honest it sounds like he is more dependant on you than you are on him. If he was truly happy with this new love he would be 100% wrapped up in her and in the honeymoon period. The fact that he still needs validation from you smacks of weakness from him.

Hard as it is, distance yourself. Every communication should be light and cheery. Make yourself unavailable, tell him you are going a hot date even if you aren't. Let him see you are moving on and are happy. Fake it til you make it as they say

Original poster
BlueGarden · 22/09/2017 10:58

Thanks everyone xx

Thing is I had made peace with the lack of extra feelings, I just needed validation as a friend and person. When we first got back in touch he was quite sweet to me but today's yuckiness caught me totally by surprise, both that it happened and that it upset me as much as it did.

I take the point about not over-thinking it but it feels almost like he needs me for some reason but resents me for it. When we were very close I was the only person he talked to openly about a number of things and I helped him a lot. He also gets very paranoid about things - a lot of the earlier contact today was him testing other things with me (ie this person was rude to me, do you think they are mad? etc) so suspect that was why he jumped to conclusions so quickly.

As for breaking NC - we bumped into each other too often to make it viable. In a way NC was harder as I had to actively avoid him (we work together)

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueGarden · 22/09/2017 12:15

I like the idea of being friendly but not giving too much. It'll be hard though! And pps advice is right - this takes up too much of my mind

OP posts:
Theycalledmethewildrose · 22/09/2017 12:22

It will take up too much time in your head until you stop doing it and you are in control of it. Otherwise you will be constantly looking for his name to pop up on your phone and your heart will beat a little faster when it does. I'm speaking from bitter experience. x

Original poster
BlueGarden · 22/09/2017 12:30

Thanks!

At least it helps that whatever was there before in terms of spark is gone now

OP posts:
gamerchick · 22/09/2017 12:48

If you want your friendship back to normal you need a huge chunk of NC time ime. Reset back to the beginning type stuff.

He sounds like a bit of a headfuck atm and you re not getting much out of that are you?

SensitiveOldAgeGuy · 22/09/2017 13:15

It would be interesting to know how much time he spends with GF (DGF this being MN?)

Is he one of these folks who wold prefer to do all his relating via devices?

honeyroar · 22/09/2017 13:20

I think it's obvious that you still have feelings for him, and I think he keeps wittering on about his girlfriend as a defensive mechanism. Perhaps he has feelings too, perhaps he doesn't understand what he feels, but whatever it is, it's not helping you spending so much time chatting to him. Take some steps away, spend time with other people, chat online to other people, see him in a group, but give yourself some space to sort your feelings out. Tell him you've not fallen out, but you've got a lot on and he should concentrate on his new relationship too. See what happens and how you feel in a few months.

honeyroar · 22/09/2017 13:21

Ps, you don't have to go nc in real life, just stop all the online stuff for a few months.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 22/09/2017 16:50

Well, my earlier advice about not giving him headspace comes from experience: I have a crush of my own at the moment, also at work, although I don't see him out of work, and I need the above advice myself too.

In fact, I have just busied myself not thinking about my crush for an hour and then just allowed myself ten minutes of crush thought time. I'm now going to stop and do something else.

It takes constant will power! But it's definitely the way forward.

Isetan · 22/09/2017 17:21

You sound more like his therapist than his friend and my comment about NC still stands, the whole dynamic sounds off.

mamakena · 22/09/2017 22:01

Go to YouTube and look up narcissist. He's using you for narcissistic supply and triangulating you with his GF to get both of you in an anxious state and he feeds off this.

The weird angry reactions like when you told him you'd go NC - that's classic narcissistic injury rage ...and he apologizes to keep you on the leash as his eternal source of narc supply.

Why it doesn't feel right, it's a toxic relationship, not based on mutual respect and affection but using and manipulation. He doesn't give a sh!t about you but will keep you around as a gadget.

The only solution is total NC. Its not easy. You can go away for a weekend or something to detox, then stay away.

Original poster
BlueGarden · 23/09/2017 00:52

SensitiveOldAgeGuy I think they do spend a lot of time together but are online a lot too. This device thing was always an issue for me a little bit as well - for a lot of our friendship it felt like it was largely online, hence me asking to meet up - while we'd talked every day, we hadn't actually hung out all week.

Charlotte good advice! (And great user name BTW) It's so hard.

And thanks to the rest of you too - isetan and mamakena and honey and others - what you say makes sense.

If this was the first time something like this had happened I would let it slide, but it's not, and these things have been going back months. There was a time back in March when he over-reacted to something and apologised and I forgave him, we had another awful conversation about the same time too, not to mention his reaction to me wanting to go NC.

This is the first time post-feelings-revelation-him-getting-a-gf but that makes it feel worse. If I continue to offer my friendship on a platter it makes me a real sap, doesn't it?

OP posts:
Cambionome · 23/09/2017 08:33

Read what *mamakena said again. And then cut all contact with this narcissistic twat, otherwise he will keep jerking the string and you will keep jumping.

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