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Original poster

DH hiding money - or keeping it safe?

76 replies

Isthissomekindofjoke · 19/09/2017 23:25

I've just found out that DH has several tens of thousands of pounds of our money held in sole savings accounts in his own name.

I just told him in no uncertain terms it had to find its way back into a joint account this side of tomorrow, that this is big time not acceptable and it wasn't to happen again.

He said he was hiding nothing, that one account was for tax and one was for school fees and they were only in his name because the bank wouldn't open another joint savings account but all I had to do was call them to convert the accounts blah blah.

The money came straight from our business into our joint savings account, then straight into his sole accounts so the movement of money wasn't hidden. I happen to only just have seen the transactions.

It is entirely possible he told me about these accounts and even likely. It's also entirely likely he knew I wasn't listening and don't have time to call the bank to convert an account when we already have 4 instant access savings accounts in joint names. In fact I think he's had one of those accounts for a few years which I knew at the time was holding joint tax money and told him I wasn't happy with that. Once that tax bill had been paid I thought that situation was done with.

I feel so shocked and so fucking angry. Not least because he clearly doesn't see what the problem is. To me it just smacks of him wanting to maintain the upper hand.

The money is back now.

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

OP posts:
kath6144 · 20/09/2017 07:50

mumtea - my DH & I have all accounts other than ISA as joint, never been near a bank to open any. Surely all accounts can be opened online now, doesnt have to be current account, put it into a savings account then move back to current account when needed. Just open another account online and transfer his sole money to it (via a current ac if necessary).

Given that you say you would need access to this money if anything happened to him, I think its disrespectful unless you have a means to access his account online (we have a password spreadsheet so DH - who leaves most banking stuff to me - could access everything if needed). I don't have access to his business account, but I do know his accountants details if anything happened to him, and I have a rough estimate of what is in Business ac.

liquidrevolution · 20/09/2017 07:55

The bank will open joint accounts. You do it online, then they send paperwork for you both to sign. There really is no excuse.

I would be mad as well OP.

user1497991628 · 20/09/2017 07:57

I don't think you are being unreasonable. His reasons sound weak.

I felt bad for suspecting my ex of skullduggery for putting a house in his sole name. He had lots of reasons...

I was not wrong to have suspected him.

Lostin3dspace · 20/09/2017 08:01

My financially abusive EXH did this. I discovered to my shock that he had tens of thousands in savings in his sole name, whilst I wasn't able to save much. We earned similar, and we were both monthly paid employees, so it should not have been possible for him to be able to save like this.
He said that it was 'his Money he'd saved it up himself'

RedSkyAtNight · 20/09/2017 08:01

We have a mixture of joint accounts and sole name accounts due to the banks limiting the number of accounts we can have. We also put the money in different names so as to get maximum savings protection (not that we are anywhere close to needing it, but thinking ahead (maybe))! We both know exactly what we have and that it is "family" money regardless of the name on the account.

Banks won't open a joint account without both people saying so.
So his story entirely stacks up and I'm not sure why posters think it doesn't.

Why not ask for half the savings to go into accounts in your sole name, if you want to spread the risk?

Agree with others that he's not exactly hiding it!

user1497991628 · 20/09/2017 08:08

He didn't tell the op that's what he was doing, though.

It's reasonable to hold money in sole names but surely by agreement?

Missingstreetlife · 20/09/2017 08:15

If the money is in a sole account it belongs to that person to spend or run off with. Money in a joint account can be taken by one person too, unless both signatures needed. You cannot access large sum in someone else's account, they can will it to someone else, or their maybe other inheritance issues. We all like to trust people but better safe than sorry

LittleMissMankyPants · 20/09/2017 08:36

TheRealBiscuitAddict stealth boast?! We're talking about the gross salary of two people covering at least 4 months. I would imagine that to be in the 10s of thousands for most people.

As PP said we are both fully involved in money decisions, how much comes out of the business, what we spend, where it goes etc. What actually happened is different to what I understood the situation to be. Either because I wasn't listening, or because he wasn't clear enough. Probably both. But regardless of who is to blame for the miscommunication, to me you just don't go around putting large sums of joint money into sole accounts.

I didn't go mad yesterday, but I was very clear about what I wanted. At the beginning of the conversation I felt DH did minismise my concerns but he agreed to "sort it out with the bank this week". Funnily enough as soon as I transferred what was left in joint savings into my sole name, he immediately transferred he joint savings out of his account back into the joint.

I am perhaps a little more sensitive than others would be over this because of personal circumstances. Although we work together on our business it is his work IYSWIM. I could not carry on the business without him but he could without me. Because of our joint decision for me to spend 7 years at home with the babies I now have no career of my own left and indeed it is financially beneficial to us as a family for me to not have my own job outside of our business. I feel this puts me in a position of having to trust my DH enormously. Which I did. I guess I saw him having the money as a betrayal of that trust.

I know he wasn't hiding the money or planning on spending it. But I suspect it makes him feel better about having sole control of it. Deep down I think he resents sharing responsibility and ownership of the money he sees as being the one to earn. He would massively deny this but over the years the odd comment like "I earn all the money" or "you go and earn some money then" during an argument has surfaced.

Original poster
Isthissomekindofjoke · 20/09/2017 08:57

Oh, OK, so massive ncf there. Oh well. Blush as you were.

OP posts:
HerRoyalChocolateBunny · 20/09/2017 09:31

That all makes sense OP. So, there are other issues going on, and it hit a nerve.

So, what next? You hav started the conversation..... any chance you can sit down this week and consolidate that, work out a way forward that is fair to you both? Does he even understand that by supporting him you have massively taken a hit career wise? (Loads of men fail to understand that it seems to me.... )

Clearly you need to really sort this out in a way you feel comfortable with.

Thanks Hope it goes well.

Blossomdeary · 20/09/2017 09:33

The problems of the rich!....I wish!
Grin

Needalifeoverhaul · 20/09/2017 09:51

Hi again OP...now you've explained a little more, I take back my earlier post. It dies sound a little 'controlling' to take that money and put it in his sole name. I understand where you're coming from and perhaps are feeling financially insecure as you don't have your own income and (quite rightly) by him doing this your trust has been compromised. I apologise for my earlier comments and think perhaps you do need some sort of income of your own. Would you like to go back to having your own career? Could it be feasible with the children with some childcare in place?

HerRoyalChocolateBunny · 20/09/2017 10:04

I am going to qualify the 'loads of men' comment, as it is not just men, and I am being massively unfair to the many men who thank their lucky stars they can continue on with their careers as they have the support at home.

(I was just thinking of my twat ex who resented his long suffering wife getting anything in the divorce settlement- despite the fact she had been a devoted army wife for nigh on 40 years.... he called her a 'parasite' but he couldn't have ended up as high ranking as he did without her support. One reason he was an ex. )

HerRoyalChocolateBunny · 20/09/2017 10:07

Blossom it is a problem as the OP has explained it-she works in the family business but seems to be disregarded when it comes to business money etc. She is feeling deeply financially insecure.

I wittered on about my own similar arrangements earlier, but I have total trust in DH and he in me,so it is different. Op feels insecure and uncomfortable.... reason enough to change things I think.

MNHQ
LornaMumsnet · 20/09/2017 10:51

Hi folks,

We're just sending this over to relationships at the OP's request.

Flowers
coldcuptea · 20/09/2017 10:56

I think the op sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders. She is , like many women do, trying to make excuses for her husband 'I probably wasn't listening ' but to her credit don't think she would have missed a detail like this and she has every right to be furious .

Joysmum · 20/09/2017 12:02

But it's likely he told you and you weren't listening? The transactions weren't hidden? They were available for you to see? I'm confused as to why you're so angry at him

I'm stunned that this seems to be the general attitude.

The OP believes that he deliberately chose a time when she wasn't able to take in what he was saying...if he mentioned it at all. There's no way you'd forget a conversation like that so there clearly wasn't a conversation, at best just a cursory mention.

There's no way on earth I'd be happy for my dh or me to have the majority of the next 6 months money in case we died and left the other without means.

I also don't think it's unreasonable to trust the either to do their role on the relationship without needing the other to keep checking up to see if they could be trusted Hmm

I think you've every right to be upset and that you should explain to your dh why. It'll take a long time for you to either trust in his judgement, or in his motives, again.

Softkittysillykitty · 20/09/2017 12:03

I would be very unhappy if my partner did this. It's basically a subtle way of him asserting that the money is actually "his".

It only takes a few minutes to open a joint account. I would suggest that to him and see what he says.

Good luck

over40andpregnant · 20/09/2017 12:04

I'm actually with you op I wouldn't like it

Dadstheworld · 20/09/2017 13:55

By your own admission the arrangement is your DH sorts the finances, He sorted the finances. By your own admission he wasn't hiding it and there is a chance he had actually mentioned it.

If you feel you want more involvement in the finances that is fair enough, but that's a you problem at the moment. No need to be angry.

Joysmum · 20/09/2017 14:51

By your own admission he wasn't hiding it and there is a chance he had actually mentioned it

Actually the op said that it would have been in passing whilst distracted. How can you not see how not having a conversation and only mentioning in passing what would happen to the households next 6 months of money whist she was distracted so didn't actually hear is at best an extremely piss poor decision to add to the piss poor decision of the OP not having any access to that money should anything happen to her dh and so leaves her financially vunerable.

Question is, is it just his judgement on both these issues that is shit or was there an ulterior motive. My initial impression is that he's made shit decisions. Either way, he's knocked her faith in him.

CoyoteCafe · 20/09/2017 15:14

I think that the fact that this has happened before is part of the reason you are so angry, and has gotten missed. When our spouse does something and we have a big fight over it, and then they do it again, it's very upsetting.

Second, you are concerned about what happens when he dies. That fair. There are ways to sort that out, and while death planning isn't fun, it really is something that might help.

I think you need to take greater interests in the finances all the time, and go though every thing with your husband once a week or so. We do this, and it means that everything really is transparent.

Needalifeoverhaul · 21/09/2017 05:58

Joysmum Hi, I noticed you quoted my first post for which I have apologised to OP for based on further details she shared!

Gemini69 · 21/09/2017 12:35

he's been very underhanded... did he even mention he was doing this ...
NO...

he was building a nest egg OP... Flowers

Shankarankalina · 21/09/2017 14:59

Nobody has to 'pop their clogs' for this to be a massive problem. If he were in a car accident/coma/had a stroke, or was debilitated in any way and unable to authorise transactions, unless you have enduring power of attorney over his accounts, it is extremely difficult to access this money if it is the sole name of your husband. And this is critical family money for tax bills and school fees!