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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ghosted after 2.5 years together

87 replies

toffeeapple123 · 17/09/2017 22:10

We're both in our 30s - I'm 31, he's 37. We met over two years ago on a trip and I felt he could have been the man I settled down to be with.

But he vanished. I tried texting/calling but was removed from social media. I told him it would be OK if he wanted to end things. I just needed closure. I explained I wouldn't be upset,, I wouldn't cry (in case he was avoiding me due to fear of confrontation). It's been 3 weeks and nothing. I know we'll never speak again. He lives in a different town to me, around 90 minutes driving, so we won't be bumping into each other anytime soon.

He seemed a nice enough bloke, treated me very well, spent all this time with me. I loved him very much, I cared for him, but sometimes I felt like something was missing, so I would push him away - but not in a significant way, maybe I'd made some comments if I was having a bad day or if he has annoying me. I was very preoccupied with work, so I didn't give it my best, but there were some minor issues I wanted to work on. I wasn't mean to him, I wasn't abusive or anything like that. But maybe he could sense the doubts I had, although I wasn't ready to throw in the towel, so to speak

I've been going therapy since he vanished and my therapist says he sounds to be a very sensitive man who just couldn't talk to me and has confrontation issues. We weren't bad people and had some lovely times together, but just disappearing is no way to end something with someone you once loved.

I am accepting of the situation but can't believe some people behave like this. It is absolutely shocking. You hear a lot about ghosting after short term dating, but nothing after nearly 3 years together.

Just looking for some support on here, I guess.

Cheers.

OP posts:
Original poster
toffeeapple123 · 17/09/2017 23:02

holidayqueriwifi I completely understand - you spent 10 years of your life with this man and to be treated like that? Absolutely disgusting. It's a reflection of his weak and pathetic character. I wish you never went through that hurt. What did your mutual friends say about his behaviour?

OP posts:
flatpopcrapcrisps · 17/09/2017 23:02

At your age I hadn't even met my husband. Fast forward a few years and here I am, domestic chaos and too many kids! Watch out, just when you get comfy on your own, some bloke pops up and complicates it! X x

MarthaArthur · 17/09/2017 23:02

Flowers to everyone affected by Shitty men/women. Thanks OP. Mine did this last month so I know how raw you must feel. I know i feel perpetually lonely and rarely leave the house/dont have friends here so I feel he was my world. I dont think I will meet anyone now. I hope you can move on from this.

flatpopcrapcrisps · 17/09/2017 23:03

Sorry for using the phrase "at your age"! So patronising! But you get the idea!

Deadsouls · 17/09/2017 23:03

This is incredibly hard to deal suggest: the not knowing, the self doubt 'was it me?', the lack of closure, the WHY?

I'm really sorry this happened to you. It's a terrible way to treat someone, anyone! Let alone someone you've been in a relationship with.

I'm a bit Hmm that your therapist said those things about him Velma sensitive and so on. I don't know exactly what they said, but the point of therapy is that it isn't about him and his feelings, but your feelings and experience. Cause who in god knows why someone does this?

Unfortunately you've been left with now having to make your own closure around it. And please don't blame yourself for his lack of decency or respect for you.

Anyone with any balls and integrity and regard for your feelings would be able to overcome their fears and at least have an honest conversation, especially since you have asked. It's not like you're asking for the moon. Maybe it is fortunate you found this out about this man before you got in deeper. I know it doesn't feel like that, but you really have to question someone who just cuts someone off, ignores their requests for conversation and puts themselves first. I think it's good you're out of it.

Deadsouls · 17/09/2017 23:04

*hard to deal with

Deadsouls · 17/09/2017 23:04

Bloody typos

holidayqueriwifi · 17/09/2017 23:10

He went AWOL for a long time. A lot of mutual friends went quiet - they didn't know what to say when he slowly reappeared.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/09/2017 23:11

Could he be married?

holidayqueriwifi · 17/09/2017 23:12

Don't see any of them these days now. Sorry it happened to you OP. Hope you can move on in future x

MISSINDE · 17/09/2017 23:15

This happened to me also after 2 years. It was awful! Was devastated at the time.
I now have a partner who's 10 times better. It was 6 years ago but if something reminds me of it I think what a bastard!

MammaTJ · 17/09/2017 23:15

2.5 years into my relationship with DP, we had 2 DC and were living together.

Glad you were more cautious!

Original poster
toffeeapple123 · 17/09/2017 23:16

flatpopcrapcrisps wow what a lovely outcome! congrats! how did you meet?

MarthaArthur we'll both move on sooner or later - and who knows what the future holds? there is so much to do in this world, take up a new hobby, meet new people etc. of course, when you're ready. you will move on and your life will be better off, i promise!

Deadsouls definitely, i keep wondering why. my therapist knows a bit more about our backgrounds, the ins and outs of our relationship etc so she's made some assumptions and they have been pretty accurate so far. but of course, who knows what's going on inside his head Confused

OP posts:
AuntyEstablishment · 17/09/2017 23:18

It odd to have done it quite so drastically. If you were practically living with each other surely he must have stuff of yours at his house or stuff of his at your house. If not then it might suggest he had it all planned out.

What a coward.

Original poster
toffeeapple123 · 17/09/2017 23:21

Aquamarine1029 we were together 24/7 and i visited his flat all the time, sometimes unannounced. absolutely no sign of another woman.

holidayqueriwifi thanks! i think i will move on. it's just getting hard with the long winter nights coming but i'll pull through

MISSINDE this seems to happen to quite a few people - wasn't expecting so many similar stories. glad you moved on and found your partner - congrats!

MammaTJ wait, hold on - he ghosted you after 2.5 years and two children???

OP posts:
MarthaArthur · 17/09/2017 23:25

MammaTJ!!! Omg I am sorry to here that. Ghosting is bad enough but with children! Angry

innagazing · 17/09/2017 23:26

Someone I know abruptly stopped contact with his girlfriend with no explanation at all, after he was given a terminal diagnosis.
Some months on, a postcard arrived from her days before his death asking him to return her door key. It was obvious she still had no idea of his illness.

Theycalledmethewildrose · 17/09/2017 23:30

This happened to me too. I was devastated and it took me a long to accept it was 'over' because of his abrupt disappearance and an even longer time wishing I was a more interesting person, prettier, funnier etc as I blamed myself. I lost all dignity and contacted him so many times pleading with him for answers. I wondered if he was married, if he had another girlfriend and questioned everything about 'us'.

In hindsight, he may have had a girlfriend. I was merely an ego boost.

A few years later he returned to tell me I was the love of his life. When I asked him what had happened all that time ago, he told me he 'didn't want what we had at that time'. I think his other relationship ended and that is why he came back.

Needless to say, we never got back together.

Original poster
toffeeapple123 · 17/09/2017 23:31

innagazing what a sad story for both. too bad he couldn't talk to her.

OP posts:
Original poster
toffeeapple123 · 17/09/2017 23:33

Theycalledmethewildrose omg the cheek of some people! returning after a few years to say you were the love of his life? i'm glad you didn't take him back!

OP posts:
everythingsucks · 17/09/2017 23:37

Really? I would explode with unresolved sadness. And anger.

I know it is different but my parents split up when I was 11 and my brother was 15. My dad popped his head into my bedroom one day without warning and said "Bye. I'll be in touch" It was a bit odd.

However, I didn't see or hear from him until 8 years later at a family wedding. My brother desperately wanted contact and wrote to him but was ignored. My dad pretended he had moved to Sweden. So he couldn't, y'know, pay maintenance. Or see his kids.

He did no such thing of course. He was living less than an hour away. I asked him (many) years later, when I started talking to him again, why he did it.

His answer was that he thought it would be easier. (For us apparently - of course he meant himself).

I think that is the drive behind most ghosting. Cowardice, inability to take responsibility, refusal to deal with situations that are less than perfect. It is pathetic and I feel so much contempt when I hear about it. I really feel
for you.

I would have driven to your ex's house and when I had seen he was ok, I prob would have given him a piece of my mind. I would be so angry in your shoes. It is such arrogant, selfish behaviour.

Much love. I hope you meet someone so much kinder and braver, OP

Theycalledmethewildrose · 17/09/2017 23:40

Toffeeapple thank you. I know what you are going through now is like a bereavement where you never got a chance to say goodbye, and even worse in a way because the other person chose to leave without any explanation.

It took me years to stop looking at my phone waiting for his number to pop up or an email. All I can say to you is not to feed his ego by trying to contact him which is advice I wish I'd taken myself.

Theycalledmethewildrose · 17/09/2017 23:42

*His answer was that he thought it would be easier. (For us apparently - of course he meant himself).

I think that is the drive behind most ghosting. Cowardice, inability to take responsibility, refusal to deal with situations that are less than perfect. It is pathetic and I feel so much contempt when I hear about it.*

This is it in a nutshell. x

Original poster
toffeeapple123 · 17/09/2017 23:47

everythingsucks so sorry to hear about how your dad behaved. some people don't deserve to be parents. it did cross my mind to go to his place but I thought he wouldn't be there or wouldn't answer the door. Didn't want to put myself through that. Not going to confront/chase someone who can sink that low.

Theycalledmethewildrose After many years of relationships and break ups, I know when to stop calling/chasing and that was after a few messages and calls. I don't look at my phone, fortunately - I know he won't be in touch!

OP posts:
redsquirrel2 · 17/09/2017 23:52

Are you sure he hasn't had an accident / a breakdown / isn't in hospital/ isn't dead?

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