Ghosted after 2.5 years together

[toffeeapple123]

We're both in our 30s - I'm 31, he's 37. We met over two years ago on a trip and I felt he could have been the man I settled down to be with.

But he vanished. I tried texting/calling but was removed from social media. I told him it would be OK if he wanted to end things. I just needed closure. I explained I wouldn't be upset,, I wouldn't cry (in case he was avoiding me due to fear of confrontation). It's been 3 weeks and nothing. I know we'll never speak again. He lives in a different town to me, around 90 minutes driving, so we won't be bumping into each other anytime soon.

He seemed a nice enough bloke, treated me very well, spent all this time with me. I loved him very much, I cared for him, but sometimes I felt like something was missing, so I would push him away - but not in a significant way, maybe I'd made some comments if I was having a bad day or if he has annoying me. I was very preoccupied with work, so I didn't give it my best, but there were some minor issues I wanted to work on. I wasn't mean to him, I wasn't abusive or anything like that. But maybe he could sense the doubts I had, although I wasn't ready to throw in the towel, so to speak

I've been going therapy since he vanished and my therapist says he sounds to be a very sensitive man who just couldn't talk to me and has confrontation issues. We weren't bad people and had some lovely times together, but just disappearing is no way to end something with someone you once loved.

I am accepting of the situation but can't believe some people behave like this. It is absolutely shocking. You hear a lot about ghosting after short term dating, but nothing after nearly 3 years together.

Just looking for some support on here, I guess.

Cheers.

[user1481840227]

Zombie thread

[user1481840227]

I've been going therapy since he vanished and my therapist says he sounds to be a very sensitive man who just couldn't talk to me and has confrontation issues.

He clearly has no empathy so I wouldn't consider him to be sensitive. Sensitive to his own feelings maybe but no one elses so that just makes him a selfish prick.
She spoke about him far too kindly. He doesn't deserve it. He's clearly a massive cunt if he can do that to someone.

He's a spineless coward who couldn't even have one awkward conversation and would rather cause you all this pain on top of the relationship ending.

Ugh. Just try to think of him as a pathetic little worm when you think of him..because that's what he is.

Sorry that you're going through this!
Please remember that this has nothing to do with you and is only a reflection on him!

[Nancyaua]

Hello

I know it's been a while but I've been googling and trying to see if anyone has experienced being ghosted after 2.5 years and then came across your post. I was wondering if you could tell me what happened after. Did he ever come back explaining? How did you move on? It's so weird to me because I'm also in the same position where I keep blaming myself for not putting enough effort into it.

[sunsetheaven]

Cowardly men never surprise me! My long-term partner also did the vanishing trick. Wondering if we will ever hear from them again?

[Theycalledmethewildrose]

User I'm so sorry this happened to you.

A similar thing happened to me but mine would frequently vanish. Used say he was working abroad. Omitted to tell me he was having another relationship. And when that one ended, he had another with someone else. Even when he had a baby with her, he continued telling me that he missed me. I found out about the relationships and the child when I had finally had enough and moved on myself. I loved him dearly but I was just a 'filler' in hindsight. It is years ago now but I think of him so often and it makes me so sad.

[user1471677144]

Deep down I knew he would want to go back, it must be this gut thing that everyone goes on about. Everyone tells me I overthink things so I guess I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. We worked together until Feb this year so when we broke it off we always made it up. He made me feel awful telling me he had left his wife for "us", to give us a chance. Now all the things he said about her to me, ie controlling, treading on eggshells etc he was saying about me. It may have been a big ego boost for him whilst at work, who knows but I'd say to anyone now split your gut from your feelings and trust it and definitely stay away from a married person, even newly separated especially if the other half wants them back, unless your made of sterner stuff than me...

[userxx]

User - he sounds a knob and you were infact his side chick. Why let it go on for so long? Anyway, the best thing you can do is move on. Pity his poor wife.

[user1471677144]

The same happened to me 3 weeks ago today... 4 years on and off but the last 2.5 were on.. always wanted me to go to his, loved to see me, said he wanted to marry me. Totally drew me in, I held back for so long as he had only recently separated, he lives 4 hours away but works up here near me during the week. He used to go back home every other weekend and go out with his "ex".. They she came up here one weekend, he blocked me whilst she was here, she wanted them to try again, he said he didn't. He went to marriage guidance with her just to see what went wrong.. he was still sleeping with me and doing normal stuff but something wasn't quite right. I got a text saying we wouldn't be together as he didn't want it and that was that.. blocked on everything, my sister checked his status on facebook and it's changed to married !! ... I just want him to move away from up here now. No point in me going round as all he will say is "I've nothing to say, go away". I'm reading a book on break ups which is helping abit but I've a doctors appointment today as I'm really struggling. I know it will get better but how can someone love you one minute then vanish... Just know that you're not alone...

[toffeeapple123]

SocMcDuffin

[SocMcDuffin]

There is nothing to be gained by trying to confront blokes like this - trust me I did and he just literally shrugged at every single question I had for about 30 mins. Never uttered a complete sentence. I was none the wiser after it and no closer to closure except now he had my dignity in shreds around his feet too.

Him doing this is closure enough. This is him telling you what he thinks of you and how little the relationship matters to him. These actions will tell you more about the coward than confronting them ever will

[toffeeapple123]

paranoidpammywhammy2 definitely - as i mentioned before, there was something missing. should have listened to my gut sooner! hope this doesn't affect me in the long term. i've always been a trusting person.

Dontknowwhattodonowok when i was younger, i might have reacted like that - but i know now when a man wants to go, he goes. whatever the reason, it means he just didn't love/care enough. that's what it always boils down to, that's my closure.

[Dontknowwhattodonowok]

If this was me I'd drive to his flat and confront him. But I don't do well with not having "closure" and would want to have it confirmed to me that it's a) completely done and b) why it's done- what is the reason to be ghosted?

But appreciate your method will leave your dignity in tact.

[paranoidpammywhammy2]

I do think you've probably had a 'lucky escape'. But with both my friends their men abandoned jobs, house and area as well to escape as if they couldn't cope with their lives

My friends had no idea their boyfriends were going to vanish. How difficult is it to send a text to dump someone if they're too afraid to do it face to face? They were obviously not thinking about how my friends would feel. If it was a breakdown - how come they've never made contact since. They may feel shame about their actions but from what I've heard - there doesn't seem to be any evidence to suggest this.

My friends didn't feel single because they didn't really get a break up. I think it could really mess up future relationships too.

[toffeeapple123]

hattyhighlighter i know deep down i will never hear from him again! and to be honest, i don't really want to. hope he keeps away!

paranoidpammywhammy2 i am speechless. especially about your friend who was pregnant at the time. awful, awful stories. thank you for sharing though. i hate saying this but it's made me realise my situation could have been far worse!

[paranoidpammywhammy2]

It's just really horrible to do that to someone. They don't really know why their men did it. My pregnant friend thought he'd just freaked out and would eventually come back to her and the baby. My other friend thought he'd killed himself over debt and being likely to lose his job; I think she believed he'd had a breakdown but he was seen out drinking and partying.

The men's family seemed to know more about what was going on but weren't willing to share. In both cases the women's families didn't really like the men involved but a lot of that was said after they vanished.

[hattyhighlighter]

OP that's good you've got a therapist you gel with. You're right if he was going to do a disappearing act he's probably done it before and it wouldn't make any difference what you did, that's just out of your control and the vast vast majority of people would not be so spineless and uncaring as to do this. The least you deserve is a proper explanation and a goodbye. It may come later. Make a list of kind things to do for yourself and treats. good luck.

[toffeeapple123]

paranoidpammywhammy2 crazy!!!

[paranoidpammywhammy2]

He made his feelings pretty clear when he disappeared and his family blanked her. He ignored all her texts; moved house, moved jobs and changed his number.

He's not on the birth certificate and she no longer wants him to have anything to do with her child. She did originally want his family involved but they weren't interested. He's the father and no one has ever said he isn't.

[toffeeapple123]

hattyhighlighter thank you! i'm definitely not blaming myself, although i do go through phases of thinking what if i had tried harder - well, that might not have prevented the break up, which i think was inevitable, but perhaps he might not have vanished. but as you say, it's not my fault and this is probably a pattern he has had all his life. i doubt i'm the first woman he has done this to, similar to other pp here who went through same experience.

being overly sensitive was something that came up in one of the many assumptions i talked about with my therapist - she was helping me to explore the dynamic in our relationship, which showed we were not a good fit. i suspect there were abandonment issues on his part as well. she's the best therapist i've ever had, absolutely amazing. she's not aloof like most traditional counsellors and that's what i like so much about her - took weeks to get an appointment with her and now i know why!

[hattyhighlighter]

OP so sorry this has happened to you what a cowardly shit that man is. Perhaps he'd met somebody else and didn't want to face the music.
Whatever has happened it is not your fault so don't waste time wondering what you could have done different. I agree with pp that your therapist should just be seeing to you and the effect on you, not trying to work out why he has done this. Selfish/cowardly sounds more apt than sensitive Imo.
Just focus on helping yourself move on asap with all the support you can get. I reckon one day you'll find out more what/why etc.

[toffeeapple123]

laketaupo nothing of value - not worth it. no joint bills.

Mayhemmumma why would i go to his flat after he has ignored me, blocked me and removed me from his social accounts? i wouldn't - but that's just me. he's def not married.

paranoidpammywhammy2 glad your first friend married a lovely man. as for your other friend, is he not in touch re the child? doesn't pay maintanence?

[paranoidpammywhammy2]

His family were trying to clear the flat as their son was renting and he'd quit paying the rent. Some things must have obviously been my friends and they knew she was living there most of the time and had items still there. My friend was really annoyed about not having access to her possessions and worried about him; he'd owed a lot of money. He owed her quite a bit of money too. She's married a lovely man now though.

My other friend that was pregnant hasn't dated since. It's been 8 years now.

[Mayhemmumma]

I don't understand why you don't just call round to his house?

Therapist says sensitive. I'd say married.

[laketaupo]

@toffeeapple123 do you have stuff at his place you need to get back ? Any joint bills for things ?

[toffeeapple123]

paranoidpammywhammy2 disgusting! i can't believe all these stories - not as uncommon as one would think. my ex also came from a not so good background - these kind of families are probably contributing factors to why these men behave the way they do. no integrity.