Ghosted after 2.5 years together

[toffeeapple123]

We're both in our 30s - I'm 31, he's 37. We met over two years ago on a trip and I felt he could have been the man I settled down to be with.

But he vanished. I tried texting/calling but was removed from social media. I told him it would be OK if he wanted to end things. I just needed closure. I explained I wouldn't be upset,, I wouldn't cry (in case he was avoiding me due to fear of confrontation). It's been 3 weeks and nothing. I know we'll never speak again. He lives in a different town to me, around 90 minutes driving, so we won't be bumping into each other anytime soon.

He seemed a nice enough bloke, treated me very well, spent all this time with me. I loved him very much, I cared for him, but sometimes I felt like something was missing, so I would push him away - but not in a significant way, maybe I'd made some comments if I was having a bad day or if he has annoying me. I was very preoccupied with work, so I didn't give it my best, but there were some minor issues I wanted to work on. I wasn't mean to him, I wasn't abusive or anything like that. But maybe he could sense the doubts I had, although I wasn't ready to throw in the towel, so to speak

I've been going therapy since he vanished and my therapist says he sounds to be a very sensitive man who just couldn't talk to me and has confrontation issues. We weren't bad people and had some lovely times together, but just disappearing is no way to end something with someone you once loved.

I am accepting of the situation but can't believe some people behave like this. It is absolutely shocking. You hear a lot about ghosting after short term dating, but nothing after nearly 3 years together.

Just looking for some support on here, I guess.

Cheers.

[Hissy]

My heart breaks for you all!

[toffeeapple123]

redsquirrel2 pretty sure

Hissy thought dating would get easier in my 30s!

[Bluebelle38]

So sorry you are going through this. He doesn't sound sensitive at all. A sensitive person would be aware of the hurt this is going to cause you. Endings are often difficult but leaving with so many unanswered questions makes it worse.

You are free to meet someone that truly cares for you. From experience, I know how important that is. He's done you a favour. You are young :) plenty of time to live and see what else is out there. Take care :)

[mogulfield]

After 2 years DH and I were engaged and if he'd suddenly stopped returning my calls I'd assume something awful had happened! Are you really sure he's ok?! This is just so bloody odd.
What about mutual friends? After 2 years you must have mutual friends?!
I feel for your Op, I'm struggling to understand it and it's making me angry for you
I think you're doing really well, and clearly are getting a lot from the therapy
My mum has ghosted me (4 years she's ignored me now), but she's a horrible person and I did see it coming which made it a little easier. There was also a slow decline in contact every time I tried.

[Hissy]

I'm in still just about clinging to my 40s.

Dating isn't easy! But my dear, you ARE young, you are worth more than this, the pain will pass and you will recover and thrive.

I hope for your sake and closure that you do find out one day what the deal was, but as bad as it is, if you had kids it would have been waaaaaay worse. You do have the capacity to move on from this.

(((Huge hug))) it was a shitty and cowardly thing to do.

[Pixieb34]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's so cruel.
My ex left me in a similar way after 2.5 yrs together, and he lived with me and my children. I came home from work one evening and he said he was leaving! Afforded me one short conversation when he told me he still loved me clearly did not then nothing. No explanation, wouldn't discuss. Blocked me etc.
It's a very cruel thing to do and it left me struggling to comes to terms with it for a long time. However, it is now (almost exactly) a year later and I am moving on with my life positively. I had counselling to help me to gain my own closure.
Funnily enough though I was contacted by a woman via Facebook about 8 months after we split to say he'd just ghosted her and how did he treat me!!?
People who behave the way my ex did, and yours, are emotionally incapable and completely irresponsible.
I hope things feel better for you soon OP.

[splendidisolation]

Thats horrible 😣 Hope you're okay x

[shouldaknownbetter]

Sorry you are going through this OP. My mum had this happen to her from her live in partner of 10 years (he waited until she'd gone away for the weekend to move out),

Fucking coward.

[Desmondo2016]

Oh my fucking god you can't ghost someone after 2.5 years!!! What a prize dickwad. There MUST be something deeper going on.. I literally would NOT be able to accept the not knowing and the gutlessness of it. I'd be turning up at work/at his flat lol demanding an answer. I'm literally speechless.

[toffeeapple123]

Bluebelle38 that's a good way of thinking about it!

mogulfield couldn't imagine not talking to my mum, hope you guys can fix it. sending positive thoughts your way.

Pixieb34 i am so, so sorry this happened to you. his behaviour was beyond despicable. i can't believe how many similar stories are being share on here! it's so depressing!

shouldaknownbetter once again, another story.

Hissy agreed, thank you, i am moving on - i just get a bit lonely from time to time which is normal i suppose!

Desmondo2016 yeah maybe he met someone else? if so, good luck to her. she's going to need it!

splendidisolation thank you

[paranoidpammywhammy2]

This has happened to two people I know. Both serious long-term relationships and both men eventually turned up - their families acted very shifty but had never been particularly friendly with my friends.

The first one got pregnant - they were talking about children and on the verge of moving in together but deciding where to move to as their jobs were too far apart. She got pregnant, he vanished. His family have no interest in the baby.

The second one, he just vanished. She couldn't get into his flat to get her things back for ages. She had practically moved in and had a key - but he'd used the other lock to secure the door. His family cleared out the flat and were trying to sell her things but her family got most of it back.

[Angelf1sh]

Trying to sell her things? Jfc what's wrong with these people?

[toffeeapple123]

paranoidpammywhammy2 disgusting! i can't believe all these stories - not as uncommon as one would think. my ex also came from a not so good background - these kind of families are probably contributing factors to why these men behave the way they do. no integrity.

[laketaupo]

@toffeeapple123 do you have stuff at his place you need to get back ? Any joint bills for things ?

[Mayhemmumma]

I don't understand why you don't just call round to his house?

Therapist says sensitive. I'd say married.

[paranoidpammywhammy2]

His family were trying to clear the flat as their son was renting and he'd quit paying the rent. Some things must have obviously been my friends and they knew she was living there most of the time and had items still there. My friend was really annoyed about not having access to her possessions and worried about him; he'd owed a lot of money. He owed her quite a bit of money too. She's married a lovely man now though.

My other friend that was pregnant hasn't dated since. It's been 8 years now.

[toffeeapple123]

laketaupo nothing of value - not worth it. no joint bills.

Mayhemmumma why would i go to his flat after he has ignored me, blocked me and removed me from his social accounts? i wouldn't - but that's just me. he's def not married.

paranoidpammywhammy2 glad your first friend married a lovely man. as for your other friend, is he not in touch re the child? doesn't pay maintanence?

[hattyhighlighter]

OP so sorry this has happened to you what a cowardly shit that man is. Perhaps he'd met somebody else and didn't want to face the music.
Whatever has happened it is not your fault so don't waste time wondering what you could have done different. I agree with pp that your therapist should just be seeing to you and the effect on you, not trying to work out why he has done this. Selfish/cowardly sounds more apt than sensitive Imo.
Just focus on helping yourself move on asap with all the support you can get. I reckon one day you'll find out more what/why etc.

[toffeeapple123]

hattyhighlighter thank you! i'm definitely not blaming myself, although i do go through phases of thinking what if i had tried harder - well, that might not have prevented the break up, which i think was inevitable, but perhaps he might not have vanished. but as you say, it's not my fault and this is probably a pattern he has had all his life. i doubt i'm the first woman he has done this to, similar to other pp here who went through same experience.

being overly sensitive was something that came up in one of the many assumptions i talked about with my therapist - she was helping me to explore the dynamic in our relationship, which showed we were not a good fit. i suspect there were abandonment issues on his part as well. she's the best therapist i've ever had, absolutely amazing. she's not aloof like most traditional counsellors and that's what i like so much about her - took weeks to get an appointment with her and now i know why!

[paranoidpammywhammy2]

He made his feelings pretty clear when he disappeared and his family blanked her. He ignored all her texts; moved house, moved jobs and changed his number.

He's not on the birth certificate and she no longer wants him to have anything to do with her child. She did originally want his family involved but they weren't interested. He's the father and no one has ever said he isn't.

[toffeeapple123]

paranoidpammywhammy2 crazy!!!

[hattyhighlighter]

OP that's good you've got a therapist you gel with. You're right if he was going to do a disappearing act he's probably done it before and it wouldn't make any difference what you did, that's just out of your control and the vast vast majority of people would not be so spineless and uncaring as to do this. The least you deserve is a proper explanation and a goodbye. It may come later. Make a list of kind things to do for yourself and treats. good luck.

[paranoidpammywhammy2]

It's just really horrible to do that to someone. They don't really know why their men did it. My pregnant friend thought he'd just freaked out and would eventually come back to her and the baby. My other friend thought he'd killed himself over debt and being likely to lose his job; I think she believed he'd had a breakdown but he was seen out drinking and partying.

The men's family seemed to know more about what was going on but weren't willing to share. In both cases the women's families didn't really like the men involved but a lot of that was said after they vanished.

[toffeeapple123]

hattyhighlighter i know deep down i will never hear from him again! and to be honest, i don't really want to. hope he keeps away!

paranoidpammywhammy2 i am speechless. especially about your friend who was pregnant at the time. awful, awful stories. thank you for sharing though. i hate saying this but it's made me realise my situation could have been far worse!

[paranoidpammywhammy2]

I do think you've probably had a 'lucky escape'. But with both my friends their men abandoned jobs, house and area as well to escape as if they couldn't cope with their lives

My friends had no idea their boyfriends were going to vanish. How difficult is it to send a text to dump someone if they're too afraid to do it face to face? They were obviously not thinking about how my friends would feel. If it was a breakdown - how come they've never made contact since. They may feel shame about their actions but from what I've heard - there doesn't seem to be any evidence to suggest this.

My friends didn't feel single because they didn't really get a break up. I think it could really mess up future relationships too.