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Original poster

Ex-Dp only wants to see son once a month - AIBU to refuse?

67 replies

SingleYoungMummy · 17/09/2017 11:05

I've posted previously about my ex moving to Wales to live with his parents, and how logistically this makes it very difficult for him to see our two year old son.

Our son cannot go and stay there regularly (I am not comfortable with the distance and his elderly relative will be living with my ex who has severe dementia). Even if I was happy for him to go to Wales, it would also be a 5 hour round trip for me to drop off/pick up our son as my ex refuses to bare all of the travel costs himself. As well as this obviously being an innapropriate journey to expect a 2 year old to make on a regular basis.

His latest suggestion to see our son is that he will make the trip to London 'once a month, whenever possible'. This would mean he sees our son once a month for one Saturday/Sunday. There is no consistency with dates or weekends, it would just be once a month whenever is convenient for him and he can be bothered basically.

I've said this is totally innapropriate and unless he is going to see him regularly and consistently, he is not seeing him at all. I think it would be too confusing and upsetting for our son to not know when he's seeing his dad, as well as going long stretches without seeing him at all. At two years old (he will be 3 in a couple of months) I feel like this is such a hard concept for him to grasp and I fear he will be asking about his dad only to be upset. He's also got some important milestones coming up like potty training and starting nursery and I fear this could totally disrupt him.

AIBU to say that he is not seeing him at all, if the stipulation is that it is a non-descript weekend at some point every month? On the one hand I don't want my son to have such inconsistentency in his life and the upset that goes with it, but I'm not sure if stopping contact totally with his dad is the right move either

OP posts:

HailLapin · 17/09/2017 11:10

Be careful here op. Refusing your ex contact with dc is very wrong (unless the ex has shown himself to be neglectful and abusive towards dc) and you owe it to your son to allow him to spend time with his dad.

However him picking a random weekend is not on , you are right in saying this. Keep making this clear , that it must be first weekend of month/last weekend of month etc and cannot be sporadic or it will let your dc down.

I know it's difficult but working towards an agreement for the sake of your dc is absolutely the right thing to do.

sourgrapes28 · 17/09/2017 11:10

I don't really have any advice tbh, but it sounds to me like you're not stopping contact! He moved away and refuses to travel to see his son so technically he's stopping contact. Not read your previous thread but that's my opinion.

Poshindevon · 17/09/2017 11:12

You have no right to stop your ex seeing his son. He has equal rights to his child.
On the other hand you cannot force your ex to see his son.
What you need to do is make a legally binding arrangement. If your ex does not adhere to the arrangement then his visits could be terminated.

HailLapin · 17/09/2017 11:12

Also I'd try to get this discussion in writing op , emails are good. As if your ex decides to take this to court you want it to be known that you were reasonable and consistent.

f83mx · 17/09/2017 11:13

A 2.5 hour trip in a car isn't unreasonable for a 2 year old to make on a regular basis but why won't he being doing the round trip or at least meeting you half/the majority of the way? Also what are you concerns with the elderly relative? Surely you ex P would be watching your son? Its never ideal when there's a distance but stopping contact should really be an absolute last resort - i.e. if he starts dicking about with visits etc....

Original poster

SingleYoungMummy · 17/09/2017 11:14

I have put forward the suggestion that he picks a definite weekend every month, for instance the first or last but he said he cannot commit to that as he doesn't know what he will be doing/if he will be in a position to afford it.

I also don't think seeing him once or twice every 30 odd days is particularly healthy for our son either.

OP posts:

Expemsiveuniform · 17/09/2017 11:15

You don't have the right to refuse contact unless your ex is abusive or neglectful.

You need to be careful because if your ex takes it to court you'll look b unreasonable

f83mx · 17/09/2017 11:17

Seeing his dad, even if not that often, is much more healthy than having no contact at all - he could Skype him every other day etc between visits. However he is being vv unreasonable not committing to a regular time/weekend - cost is one thing but he can't say its because he'll not know what he'll be doing - he'd be seeing his son!!!

SoupyNorman · 17/09/2017 11:17

Why is it inappropriate for a 2 year old to make a 2.5 hr journey?

Original poster

SingleYoungMummy · 17/09/2017 11:17

He has agreed to meet me half way - the 2.5 hours would be the distance to the half way point. The journey for our son to travel would realistically take 4-5 from a London to Wales.

The elderly relative is in the late stages of dementia and has accidents a lot, she also wakes in the night screaming and crying, as well as sporadically bursting into tears and anger in the day time. She also leaves doors open which could be hazard to our son. I don't really think it's an appropriate place for our son to stay given those circumstances.

OP posts:

rookiemere · 17/09/2017 11:28

I think you would be unreasonable to deny him access to his DS, but not unreasonable to refuse to pay and travel for long distances to facilitate this.

In the situation, I feel that if he wants to see his DS then he should make at least some effort. So on the grounds of being super helpful and considerate you could offer that you will commit to make the drive once every 4 weeks ( or 5 whatever you feel is best) and these are the dates you will do - set out for the rest of the year. If he is not available for any of these dates for whatever reason, then either he needs to wait until the next set meeting, or he does the full journey himself.

NeonFlower · 17/09/2017 11:31

I think it would be unreasonable to expect your son to willingly spend an extended time with him so irregularly eg a whole or half day. But I think it would be reasonable to have a trial of him taking him to the park or for a one hour activity once a month. With an agreement for what you will do if your son does not want to go with him.
I don't have experience of this, but would guess that if you negotiate it using 'I want to think about what would be fair on ds', show willingness to try and also what things would make it important to reevaluate. Amd keep records. Then you would be on solid ground I think.

Viviennemary · 17/09/2017 11:34

It certainly isn't an ideal situation at all. But it would be U of you to refuse any access. You say the long journey is impractical if it was done more often. But I think the dates should be set out in advance and kept to for at least say three months at a time. And good idea to skype at least say twice a week.

I agree about the elderly relative. It doesn't sound a very safe environment for a two year old. Don't think there is an easy answer.

Expemsiveuniform · 17/09/2017 11:34

Also. Is the elderly relative his parent he is caring for or is it a generation back from that?

Lweji · 17/09/2017 11:41

I think you're being unreasonable here.

I'd think it would be best for him to visit his son rather than the child going to Wales.
And I'd accept the once a month visits.
All of you can make things easier by communicating well, setting out dates (not necessarily the same date all the time) and by keeping contact via other means (Skype, facetime, whatever).

Many children have parents living away part of the time and it doesn't mean they'll be negatively affected.
However, you should also be a positive force and not react so negatively.
I understand this is not ideal, but it's also not so bad as you seem to think.

IfNot · 17/09/2017 11:50

I think, as long as he shows up when he is meant to, once a month is better than never. My son has grown up seeing his dad approx once every two months. I wouldn't say he gives his dad much thought day to day, but he enjoys seeing him, and they chat on the phone every couple of weeks.
From what I can make out ds regards his dad with fondness, like an uncle more than a Dad. Maybe when he gets older and is a young man he will be able to talk to his dad about stuff he can't talk to me about. Or maybe he will talk to my dp. I don't know, but I have always been open to whatever regular contact was requested.
Obviously ds dad is a self absorbed waste of space who takes no responsibility as a parent, but thats my issue ( and I'm long over it).
Take the once a month, make sure it's regular. When I see ds with his dad, however rarely that happens, I know I did the right thing.

Offred · 17/09/2017 11:58

I think you should agree TBH. Warn X that this will affect the quality of his relationship with his son and handle it by only telling son about it at the last minute as most likely he won't do it very often.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/09/2017 12:14

You want to make you son available for contact with his dad but you don't have to travel or pay. You don't have to put your life on hold either waiting for him to decide he hasn't got a better offer and fancies seeing his child on x day when by then you already have plans and he then tries to make out you're not allowing contact.

Send him a calm reasonable email and don't get into anything silly.

Dear x, it's in DCs best interest to have time with both of us and since you've moved to Wales and have suggested you'll visit him once a month here in xxx, I suggest this is from xam - xpm on your first Saturday of every month. For the next 6 months the dates are: xxx

Agreeing dates in advance is necessary for DC to know when he's with each of us and allows you and me to be able to make plans. If either of us needs to swap dates I suggest we do this at least 10 days beforehand.

I look forward to your reply confirming these dates.

Thanks, SYM

ShowMePotatoSalad · 17/09/2017 12:18

You are being so unreasonable. Some contact is better than no contact.

Original poster

SingleYoungMummy · 17/09/2017 12:33

How do you explain to a 2/3 year old that they are not going to be seeing their father for weeks on end?

I've already tried to establish a pattern/consistency for the contact and he's said he can't commit to solid dates in advance. So it would literally be him phoning me up one week saying he can see him this Saturday, and then us not knowing when he'd next be seeing him. Just 'one weekend in every month'.

OP posts:

IfNot · 17/09/2017 13:00

How do you explain to a 2/3 year old that they are not going to be seeing their father for weeks on end?

You don't. You're seeing it through the eyes of an adult. Children just accept whatever their normal is.
His contact does need to be arranged in advance though, he can't dick you about.
Be firm on this. As time goes on, you might want to plan things for yourself on his contact days.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/09/2017 13:03

I'd send the email if you don't already got what he's said in writing already. Cover your arse if he ever does go to court.

But he won't. He could barely sound less engaged.

You could try saying he needs to give you at least a week's notice and that if you already have plans then he can't just rock up demanding your son for the day. That's no way for anyone to live.

He won't commit to a schedule. His loss. Also your DCs, obviously, but you can't make his dad step up. So if and when he bothers to ask, if it suits you then say yes but no judge in the land will expect you to sit around all weekend every week never making plans on the off chance your useless ex decides he wants to a dad for a day.

Sweetbell · 17/09/2017 13:10

I think if your ex is at moment willing to travel to London once a month to see son you have to go with that.
But yes it must be arranged in advance for several months it needs to become a routine.
If ex misses one months 1st Saturday you could offer a 2nd Saturday fortnight later in same month.(then you'll still have own weekends with son) And on the condition that the pre arranged 1st Saturday each month still stands then eventually your ex may see sticking to his prearranged every 4th Saturday works better than cancelling n rearranging.
If ex doesn't like this then he'll just to wait until next scheduled Saturday. He can't just dip in an out of sons life upsetting a routine especially as your DC gets older and joins sports or other weekend clubs party invites etc.

My ex moved away and made no commitment to any access just a' I'll see DC when they visit grandparents (his parents)
'And this of course was also left for me to organise all pick ups drop offs etc I didn't drive at time.
It became unbelievably hard on DC to never know when they'd see him.
I'd get sobbing DC saying 'he wasn't even there we didn't even see him' which eventually turned to ' we only saw him 1st day and wouldn't have seen him if you'd dropped us a day later'. Unbeknownst to DC ex moved abroad and any time they saw him were just infact flying visits.
If your ex is making a token once a month visit try and facilitate these but with a firm schedule in place. Unfortunately he will never be your sons parent as such and as a pp said he'll just be an uncle of sorts.

TatianaLarina · 17/09/2017 13:17

How do you explain to a 2/3 year old that they are not going to be seeing their father for weeks on end?

How would you explain that they're not going to see him at all?

I get that you're annoyed by the low contact but it's not fair to punish your son. Once his mother has passed he will be much more flexible (not that I wish her dead poor lady).

TatianaLarina · 17/09/2017 13:19

Btw I do totally agree with secure dates well in advance.

He has to understand that that is of utmost importance to his son.

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