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Original poster

Ex-Dp only wants to see son once a month - AIBU to refuse?

67 replies

SingleYoungMummy · 17/09/2017 11:05

I've posted previously about my ex moving to Wales to live with his parents, and how logistically this makes it very difficult for him to see our two year old son.

Our son cannot go and stay there regularly (I am not comfortable with the distance and his elderly relative will be living with my ex who has severe dementia). Even if I was happy for him to go to Wales, it would also be a 5 hour round trip for me to drop off/pick up our son as my ex refuses to bare all of the travel costs himself. As well as this obviously being an innapropriate journey to expect a 2 year old to make on a regular basis.

His latest suggestion to see our son is that he will make the trip to London 'once a month, whenever possible'. This would mean he sees our son once a month for one Saturday/Sunday. There is no consistency with dates or weekends, it would just be once a month whenever is convenient for him and he can be bothered basically.

I've said this is totally innapropriate and unless he is going to see him regularly and consistently, he is not seeing him at all. I think it would be too confusing and upsetting for our son to not know when he's seeing his dad, as well as going long stretches without seeing him at all. At two years old (he will be 3 in a couple of months) I feel like this is such a hard concept for him to grasp and I fear he will be asking about his dad only to be upset. He's also got some important milestones coming up like potty training and starting nursery and I fear this could totally disrupt him.

AIBU to say that he is not seeing him at all, if the stipulation is that it is a non-descript weekend at some point every month? On the one hand I don't want my son to have such inconsistentency in his life and the upset that goes with it, but I'm not sure if stopping contact totally with his dad is the right move either

OP posts:

Tilapia · 17/09/2017 13:30

Sorry OP, but I honestly think that a once a month meeting in London, while certainly not ideal, is better for your son than not seeing his Dad at all.

Keep asking your ex to commit to which weekend (at least a couple of months in advance). If he keeps letting your son down, not showing up etc then you'll need to reconsider. But before then you should give him a chance.

Want2bSupermum · 17/09/2017 13:38

Sounds like your ex has his hands full caring for a relative in late stage dementia. It won't be forever. Once the relative has passed your DC can go and stay for a visit. I'd be understanding asking that you are given notice of a visit of at least x days.

I know someone who just lost her mother to dementia. It's an awful and cruel disease. What he is going through is tough.

Offred · 17/09/2017 13:43

Yeah, you don't explain it. All that will happen is the child will form their relationship with him based on the scraps he offers. He will become like an uncle that he sees infrequently. That will be his normal.

It might upset him that his dad couldn't be arsed when he is older but at 2/3 he will just see it as normal.

Offred · 17/09/2017 13:47

I think you are getting stuck on the unfairness that he is a shit dad. You can't make him into a better dad, you just need to accept that your son doesn't come anywhere near anything other than a fleeting thought in his head once in a while and adjust accordingly.

Plan to be his parent and to accommodate the occasional visit when he can be bothered. Your son will be ok.

eyebrowsonfleek · 17/09/2017 13:57

Yanbu that you want a routine, staying with someone with dementia is inappropriate and once a month is shit.

Yabu to withhold contact. Once a month is better than not at all.

Original poster

SingleYoungMummy · 17/09/2017 13:57

He's not caring for the relative with dementia, his parents are. He will just be living in the same household as said relative.

OP posts:

TatianaLarina · 17/09/2017 14:01

Oh I see, but even so, once that relative has died, your son could stay with them no? Or maybe he'll have got his own place by then.

TatianaLarina · 17/09/2017 14:03

You said he'd gone to live with his parents so when you said 'elderly relative' then 'she' I assumed it was his mother.

OlennasWimple · 17/09/2017 14:10

OP, you are over-complicating this.

The best thing - even if it's not in the best circumstances - is for ex-DP to continue to see his son in person on a relatively regular basis. I'm assuming that this will be supplemented with things like birthday and christmas presents (much more meaningful if they have a RL relationship)? What about agreeing a more regular Skype conversation as well?

2 yos don't really "get" time, so you might be surprised by DS not really noticing whether it is 4 weeks or 5 weeks (or 3 weeks) between visits: they will all feel like a really, really long time anyway

Hermonie2016 · 17/09/2017 14:18

It is about a child's right to see both parents so a court could consider once a month ok and set dates but there would also listen to your ex's mitigating circumstances for needing flexibility.

If this is relatively new then you might both have to compromise as it's in your sons interests to see his dad.Overtime a more settled routine will likely to follow.
This will become more important as he gets older and knowing he has a dad who does care for him.
Many children cope with dad's not being around on a regular basis, due to employmenr, so your son will adapt.

cheminotte · 17/09/2017 14:30

As pp have said, little kids have no understanding of time. So if you tell your ex you are available on the 1st and 3rd weekend of the month and you need to know which one it is the previous month, you can just tell your son on the day - we're seeing Daddy today. He won't remember if he last saw him 2, 6 or 8 weeks ago.

Oblomov17 · 17/09/2017 14:36

YABVU
2.5 hours is totally reasonable for a child if 2.
And if he can only manage once a month then so be it.

I would hope, not expect but hope that if this went to court, a judge would insist on at least once a month. Hopefully he'd encourage more, by any means possible.

By friend chose to move to Gloucester. Her ex remains near London. She travels once, he travels once, and once they meet in the middle. The judge suggested this.

Frouby · 17/09/2017 14:38

Yeah just agree to the once a month.

What will happen is it will be once a month. Then every 6 weeks. Then every 2 months. Then just at Christmas and birthdays.

Will it hurt your ds? Yes. As he gets older it will. But your ds has a right to a relationship with his father. And the alternative is for you to say no. Which you will have to explain when he is older and could jeopardise your relationship with your ds.

Let him do the once a month. It won't last. Your ds will get used to it. It's far from ideal but not as bad as stopping contact.

Blackcatonthesofa · 17/09/2017 14:50

I feel it's tirannical to want to cut the contact between the father and child. It's 50% his child too. How would you feel if in a few years DC wants to live with dad and dad says to you that you can't see him in case it might upset him. Vile, right? So don't do it to him or give him the equal option where the kid lives with him and you butt out of their lives. The only fair contact is the one that you would opt for as well.

Why not do the one weekend a month thing plus facetiming twice a week? You are going out of your way to make this difficult.

Ilovetolurk · 17/09/2017 15:45

I agree with the replies above, your DS is better seeing his dad infrequently than not at all. It will be normal for him

Also if you refuse access and it goes to court you might find yourself obliged to make the journey to Wales, unlikely but possible

donners312 · 17/09/2017 16:53

I don't know why everyone is saying it is better for him to see his dad? Is his Dad a good Dad, he sounds irresponsible and unreliable to me?

I wouldn't put myself out but as some have suggested agree to him going to London t see DS for the day once a month? Bet he rarely does it - agree a set day for the next 3/6 months and if he misses it then just wait until the next agreed date unless he wants to see him before that??

butterfly56 · 17/09/2017 17:17

He does not seem at all interested in his son and comes across as someone who is using your son as a pawn in a game to mess with your head and try and instigate control over your life going forward.

Lweji · 17/09/2017 18:00

he's said he can't commit to solid dates in advance. So it would literally be him phoning me up one week saying he can see him this Saturday, and then us not knowing when he'd next be seeing him

Yes, tell him that doesn't work for you.
Tell him how much advance warning you need (2 weeks, a month?). That you might be able to accommodate some changes, but no guarantees.
And if he misses one visit, then he misses it and must arrange a new one with sufficient advance warning as well.

eyebrowsonfleek · 17/09/2017 18:00

Donners - The OP mentions that the dad is flaky - not sure if he can afford it etc but doesn't make any negative comments about the time that father and son spend together. Based on this we can assume he's ok as a Dad.
So far he's been traveling fromWales to London which saves his ds 10 hours in a car. (5 hours there and 5 hours back)

Some Dads see their child infrequently because they work away or whatever. They can still be good Dads. Once a month is a pathetic amount of contact but if you asked the kid, he would want that contact to continue.

Original poster

SingleYoungMummy · 17/09/2017 18:16

He hasn't been travelling to London from Wales, he only moved there a couple of weeks ago.

OP posts:

rookiemere · 17/09/2017 18:22

It amazes me sometimes how low the bar is set for a man to be a good Dad. If he was a good DF he'd prioritise seeing his DC and ensuring that he had the train fare/ petrol money required to make this happen.

I don't sense that OP is wanting to cut off contact out of spite, she'd just like to know in advance when she's expected to carry out a 5 hr round trip drive and wanted to check that it's not harmful for DS to have infrequent contact.

CPtart · 17/09/2017 18:22

Nod, smile and go with it. From what you say I wouldn't hold my breath about any form of contact long term. I hope he's at least paying for his son.

NoStraightEdges · 17/09/2017 18:23

Why don't you get some legal advice?

With all due respect you don't seem to be listening to the people here you've asked for advice from-I get it, because no one has said 'yeah, fuck the deadbeat dad off' but that's because that's not an ok thing to do, despite him being unreliable and far away.

Good luck OP, hope you work something out.

Original poster

SingleYoungMummy · 17/09/2017 18:27

I am reading everyone's responses and taking into account what people are saying, whilst updating if people are confused...

Not sure how that equates to me not listening to people here but hey ho.

I don't want to just cut contact with him, of course I don't. I want what is in the best interests of my son, whether that be to keep contact with his dad, albeit it will be irregular and leading to disappointment, or to see if there are other options.

OP posts:

MadMags · 17/09/2017 18:27

Then you're just assuming he'll be flaky. And he might be! But you should at least give it a try.

You have no reason to completely block contact.

That being said; it's reasonable and fair to expect some sort of structure to it.

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