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Original poster

Ex-Dp only wants to see son once a month - AIBU to refuse?

67 replies

SingleYoungMummy · 17/09/2017 11:05

I've posted previously about my ex moving to Wales to live with his parents, and how logistically this makes it very difficult for him to see our two year old son.

Our son cannot go and stay there regularly (I am not comfortable with the distance and his elderly relative will be living with my ex who has severe dementia). Even if I was happy for him to go to Wales, it would also be a 5 hour round trip for me to drop off/pick up our son as my ex refuses to bare all of the travel costs himself. As well as this obviously being an innapropriate journey to expect a 2 year old to make on a regular basis.

His latest suggestion to see our son is that he will make the trip to London 'once a month, whenever possible'. This would mean he sees our son once a month for one Saturday/Sunday. There is no consistency with dates or weekends, it would just be once a month whenever is convenient for him and he can be bothered basically.

I've said this is totally innapropriate and unless he is going to see him regularly and consistently, he is not seeing him at all. I think it would be too confusing and upsetting for our son to not know when he's seeing his dad, as well as going long stretches without seeing him at all. At two years old (he will be 3 in a couple of months) I feel like this is such a hard concept for him to grasp and I fear he will be asking about his dad only to be upset. He's also got some important milestones coming up like potty training and starting nursery and I fear this could totally disrupt him.

AIBU to say that he is not seeing him at all, if the stipulation is that it is a non-descript weekend at some point every month? On the one hand I don't want my son to have such inconsistentency in his life and the upset that goes with it, but I'm not sure if stopping contact totally with his dad is the right move either

OP posts:

TatianaLarina · 17/09/2017 18:30

I strongly suspect OP has had long experience of his flakiness.

I think it's highly unlikely he will keep to his stipulated monthly visits, which is why she wants to protect her son, but I don't think she has any option but to give it a go.

Original poster

SingleYoungMummy · 17/09/2017 18:34

It's not really an assumption when he's already made it clear that he's not willing to make solid arrangements and contact will be on an 'as and when' basis. That seems pretty flaky to me.

As an aside - when he was living closer to London he was unreliable in that he would pick up our son later than the arranged time and this happened on several occasions. There were also instances when he would go out clubbing/drinking until 4/5am and come and collect our son that same morning, adding to my feeling that he is only going to become more flaky and unreasonable.

I just feel very sorry for my son and think once a month is deplorable, especially as he cannot even agree to a set time and day. His whole basis for contact revolves around what fits in with his life and social commitments, and when it's convenient for him he will see our son. I'm just wondering what is in the best interests of our son and I appreciate everyone's differing perspectives.

OP posts:

MadMags · 17/09/2017 18:40

But you can have rules in place.

You can give him a couple of dates once a month that you're available. If he doesn't show, tough shit.

Your son will know when he's older that unfortunately his dad is a waste of space, but that's for him to decide, not for you to block contact.

Lweji · 17/09/2017 18:48

I've had to be tough with DS's dad and it did result in better, more reliable contact.

He had to agree to a set time for contact to happen, and DS would only be available during that period.
When he kept missing times, then I required prior confirmation, or DS wouldn't be available even if dad tried to contact him.

It felt like being a bitch to some extent, but otherwise they'll just mess the child and mother around.

Don't be messed around. Demand prior warning and reliability, but otherwise be reasonably flexible if possible (agree if free, but don't change prior engagements at all).

Offred · 17/09/2017 18:57

What is in the best interests of your son is for you to accept that he isn't going to be a real father IMO.

That actually will mean his relationship with DS will suffer. He will bear the cost.

So you love DS and parent him and you offer his dad access that is reasonable - as Lweji says don't move heaven and earth to rearrange things if he says he is coming.

So make his dad aware that if he chooses to make DS something unimportant that comes after everything else this will affect the quality of ds' relationship with him. Tell him he will need to give you notice if he is coming for contact and that his sporadic contact won't result in DS changing plans to see him.

Then you let him just become a relative he sees sometimes and not a dad in DS' life.

He isn't committed to being a father. That's just how he is and I honestly doubt he will keep up contact once he has moved TBH.

SandyY2K · 17/09/2017 19:08

It's not great, but it's better than nothing.

Stopping any contact under these circumstances is unreasonable.

Having said that, he needs to realise that with short notice, you may have plans and won't be available.

DioneTheDiabolist · 17/09/2017 19:10

Contact with his father, even if only once a month is what is in the best interests of your son OP.

Lozmatoz · 18/09/2017 06:37

Yes. Unreasonable

MrsDustyBusty · 18/09/2017 06:55

I don't think you're actually unreasonable at all. You probably can't do it for all the reasons listed here, but I certainly don't think it's unreasonable to not want this feckless excuse dictating your weekends.

I'm also shocked at how poorly fathers are enabled to parent. It's somehow your responsibility to care for the child on a permanent basis and also to go out of your way to facilitate his contact. Shocking the allowances made for dreadful fathers.

donners312 · 18/09/2017 14:32

I agree with Mrsdusty, I think he is totally unreasonable!!

AngelsSins · 18/09/2017 16:43

What a prick. Does he think that's all a father is? Just a day out once a month makes you a dad? I'd be fucking furious, I'm so sick of hearing about men who just abandon their kids like this. You can't force him though, unfortunately. He'll probably lose interest on his own anyway as he hardly seems that bothered about how little he currently plans to see him.

lilybetsy · 18/09/2017 17:13

YABVVU. A child accepts the status quo. You don't go into long explainations, you just say "oh good , daddy is coming to see you this weekend" and you facilitate contact as best you can. BECAUSE it is in the CHILD'S best interests to know his father. And if you don't get that, or like it, or think you are "enough", then frankly you are deluded and selfish. It will backfire on you .

magoria · 18/09/2017 17:25

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

It isn't hard for a bloke to say he can see his DC the last weekend of every month and then make sure he keeps the money aside for this.

Or to say he will see him the first weekend of every month after pay day and stick to it.

If he has his way he may see him the first weekend one month and then the last weekend of the next month which is much less than once every 4 weeks nearly once every 7 or 8.

It is also not fair for you if you have plans for a weekend if he just decides that is his weekend. Why the fuck should your plans change for him?

Tell him DC will be available in advance on x, y and z. If he doesn't make those it is his choice not to do so.

Lunde · 19/09/2017 00:15

I think once a month is better than nothing but he needs to understand that there will be rules and that you will not be forced to drop your life/plans because he suddenly decides to see his son on a whim. Decide how much notice you want - say for example 2 weeks or a month in advance and then he must stick to it. If he flakes out then don't rearrange - he waits until next month

If you expect him to be flakey then don't say too much to your son in advance - then when dad turns up it is nice for your son and if he doesn't turn up then your son will not be disappointed

IfNot · 19/09/2017 14:32

Mrs Dusty- at the end of the day though, these men reap what they sow. They don't put the hours in, and when the kids get older, they don't get the close relationship of a real parent. That's inevitable, but you still have to allow children the contact.

MrsDustyBusty · 19/09/2017 18:26

You'll notice I didn't say that she should refuse contact but that it's perfectly reasonable to want to. I don't know where these useless sad sacks get off. They don't parent day to day and even women stand up for their right to control their ex. I find it shocking how much support there is for fathers to be facilitated to do nothing but obstruct a normal and orderly lifestyle for children.

Aminuts23 · 19/09/2017 18:33

It's so important for your sons identity and emotional health to have a relationship with his dad, whatever form that may take. If he's travelling for contact don't tell your son about it until you ex says he's set off. That way he won't be disappointed. Unless he's a welfare risk at would be abhorrent to stop the relationship between a child and their parent. You have absolutely no right. I have very personal experience of parents who have done this and it has come back to bite them on the bum every single time.

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