Hand holding really needed. I am waiting to hear if my DH is parepared to try to fix our marriage

[Tearsofthemushroom]

DHleft me out of the blue two months ago. It was a huge shock although once I had time to think about it I could see that things had been not good for about a year. He came back after couple of days and we had been working to make things better. He finds it really difficult to talk about the past as it is so painful for him so I had been focussing on the small stuff, trying to make life more fun, talk more, listen better etc.
Anyway, until last weekend I thought that it was working well and we felt much closer. I mentioned to him that it was getting better and he obviously didn't feel the same way. I got upset and he went off in the car for a few hours.
For the past week I have been feeling more and more anxious and he has gradually started to pull away from me. I talked to him on Thursday night, asking him to think about counselling and pointing out that we both need to want to marriage work to recover. I was devastated when he said that he isn't sure if He wants it badly enough.
He had to work last night and messaged me this morning that he needs some space to think things through and hopefully he will come home this evening. I am desperate to call him but trying really hard not to.
We have been married for nearly 20 years and have a wonderful life and family and I don't understand how he might be prepared to walk away from it all.
I have booked an appointment at a relationship counsellor on Monday as I think that I might need the help, but am really hoping that he will want to come with me.
Please be kind, I need some strength and support at this point.

I wouldn't hide it from your son. He needs to know that he can trust you . It will make things worse in a week if he knows that he has been lied to.

Hold on a minute. So she has made these big "sacrifices" to be with him. To be with your husband. And has he told you this? Surely you're not falling for this bullshit.

What they have done is disgraceful. Both of them. It sounds like he wants you to feel a bit sorry for her. She lost her job and gave up a big promotion. Boo effing hoo. So if she has no job and she has left her marriage, who is going to be supporting her financially from here on in? Your dick of a husband.

Get access to all joint money and accounts today. If you have an online joint account, transfer out half of whatever you have into an account i. Your own name. They have had a very long time to plan this. Get planning yourself.

In your

Yes agree with pp . You don't have to buy into their narrative or their spin. How about this one - ' they are selfish and destructive people and he is not to be trusted in any financial discussions or commitment'z.

Tears, so sorry you are going through this.The timing for your son is terrible and I wouldn't rush to tell him if you don't yet know what's happening.I would recommend you talk to the school first and see what support they can offer.

Your brain will be turning over everything and I would encourage you to take advice from family or friends.If possible your H leaving will help as you can start the process of healing but it must be at the speed that suits you.

Ad others say your H has broken your marriage and you will come back from thus stronger.

So sorry to read about your troubles OP.

Men like your DH don't change, and it's likely he'll be roaming again like an un-neutered cat once he gets bored with his latest ow.

Keep your head up, utilise all your friends and family..tell them what he has done, and use all the support you can.

Oh..and if he does happen to try to come crawling back, tell him to fucking do one. You don't need garbage like this in your life.

Your son's anxiety might not be unconnected with what has been happening. I would give him some information, answer any questions he has, and provide a bit of certainty about the future. Maybe let his school know and encourage him to talk to someone if he wants to - think who might be a good person.

I am sorry that your husband has followed a pattern instead of seeing what he has in you. You sound very loving and compassionate, but make sure your main focus is love and compassion for you now. Don't accept him wallowing in therapy - make your needs known.

I want to make sure I have this straight. He's been good friends with the OW for years. Two months ago she got married. Two months ago he left you. Since then, she's left her new husband and given up a promotion at work to be with your DH.

If I've got all that right, it really sounds like they've had a thing on the side for YEARS, and she got sick of waiting for him to leave you, and finally married someone else. When she did, he left you to see if he could keep her, but kept you in limbo just in case things didn't work out with her. (I really wouldn't be surprised if tries to keep something going on the side with you, acts like you are still a couple, or at some point he tries to come back. He sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it, too).

The icing on the cake is that then he convinced you how much she loves him, just the same way that you used to love him. It really is all about him, isn't it? What a little narcissistic piece of shit. I think it's possible that once you get past the initial shock of horror of it all, you might end up happier because your life will eventually be more about you and what YOU want rather than being all about him.

Meanwhile, your son is going through a lot of anxiety. Your DH left 2 months ago. How does your son not know? Some of the anxiety could be him knowing that things are off but not being told the truth. Even though he going through a stressful school transition, my thought to him speak honestly (though gently). Often times, people are better able to deal with The Truth, however ugly that truth is, rather than The Unknown.

Your son's concerns might be about things like staying in the same house, staying at the same school, etc.

I'm late to the thread but just want to say , tears , thank god you've got mumsnet.
You've had some great, straight talking, cutting through his bull shit, words of advice and wisdom.

How I wished I could have had the same 13' years ago when my exh pulled the plug on our 30 year marriage.

He behaved very much like yours op. I was Sooo worried for him. You won't feel it right now, but a few years down the line you will be glad he told you about the ow. My piece of doodoo kept me dangling for 10 months . 10 fucking months. These mumsnetters would have seen through him in a flash. I was so blindsided and I wept buckets.
Lots of time to build up his war chest. Didn't he?

I won't go into it now but just be glad you know. Time to be proactive.

As much as you feel like setting fire to his clothes, keep your dignity. I got my revenge by living well. I travelled. I went skiing in America for the first time, visited Cuba. Visited our house in Florida 3 times a year for a month at a time. Did the house up etc.He never went again.Was out nearly every night. I had a blast.

See it as a new beginning.

Three months after my divorce I met the man destined to be my second husband. We married two years ago on Tenerife. I was 63 and he was 62. We've been together 9 years now and so very happy.
We are so much happier both of us, second time around.

Hang on in there. It's tough. Really tough. But just keep saying to yourself he's a loose moralled alley cat, just like mine was. Oh mine was a pillar of society as well. Businessman, Freemason, the works....doesn't matter how you dress shit up... if it smells like shit... it's shit!

How are you today Tears?