Hand holding really needed. I am waiting to hear if my DH is parepared to try to fix our marriage

[Tearsofthemushroom]

DHleft me out of the blue two months ago. It was a huge shock although once I had time to think about it I could see that things had been not good for about a year. He came back after couple of days and we had been working to make things better. He finds it really difficult to talk about the past as it is so painful for him so I had been focussing on the small stuff, trying to make life more fun, talk more, listen better etc.
Anyway, until last weekend I thought that it was working well and we felt much closer. I mentioned to him that it was getting better and he obviously didn't feel the same way. I got upset and he went off in the car for a few hours.
For the past week I have been feeling more and more anxious and he has gradually started to pull away from me. I talked to him on Thursday night, asking him to think about counselling and pointing out that we both need to want to marriage work to recover. I was devastated when he said that he isn't sure if He wants it badly enough.
He had to work last night and messaged me this morning that he needs some space to think things through and hopefully he will come home this evening. I am desperate to call him but trying really hard not to.
We have been married for nearly 20 years and have a wonderful life and family and I don't understand how he might be prepared to walk away from it all.
I have booked an appointment at a relationship counsellor on Monday as I think that I might need the help, but am really hoping that he will want to come with me.
Please be kind, I need some strength and support at this point.

what a horrid, unfaithful man he is! Please stop waiting for him to pick you over some ow and kick him to the kerb. You deserve so much more than waiting around for him to deign to want you - how bloody dare he.

To me, knowing you've been together for 20 years, it sounds like he is having a mid life crises and doesn't know what he wants. I suspect it is more about his age and a vague feeling of "is there all there is? Is this as good as it gets?" than having anything real to do with you or the marriage.

What can you do to feel more solid in your own life? After so long, it can be hard to think through who we are without them. Whether or not your marriage works out, what do you want YOUR life to be like? What hobbies, interests, friends?

Thank you trailing, that is what I wonder, or depression maybe. However we will still be stuck if he doesn't talk about it and at the moment he seems to have fallen off the planet. Haven't heard from him since eleven this morning though I can see he has read my message. Having to start thinking what I am going to say to the kids to explain why he isn't back from work.
Life is just not fair.

Thank you trailing, that is what I wonder, or depression maybe

I think many people start of thinking this way before having to come to the conclusion that all their partner had was Bastard Syndrome.

Lock the door Op. Tell him to stay away for the time being.

What to tell the children? Tell them the truth. This isnt your lie to sort out.

So the collective wisdom of mum set was right. He is in love with someone else and has left me. I know the background and I am not surprised who it is, someone he was platonic friends with for about six years.
At the moment I feel lightheaded and relieved. At least the fear has gone. He has agreed to go to counselling with me to work though how we split up amicably. I can be proud that I let him go without crying or begging. Once I knew who it was I knew that there was no hope and my only choice was to keep my dignity intact.

You are doing well. Holding it together in front of the children will make it easier for them. They need one parent who is actually concerned about them and who acts stable in front of them.

(Fall apart in front of your friends, or here. It's OK to have rough moments. Who wouldn't?)

Sorry your DH is an idiot.

Chances are that your children are well aware of families breaking up because they have watched many friends go through it. "Daddy has moved out. He still loves you. You will see him again ___" Is about all you can say. The rest is up to him.

Cover your a$$. Put half the money in an account in your name only. Change the locks. Decide what YOU want his contact with the children to be. It seems easier for many mothers to have it set in advance so that the man doesn't get into a "being a parent only when I'm in the mood" mode. Some men seem willing to break their relationship to bits without understanding that they are walking out on their family, and ending a partnership.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

So sorry to hear your update OP, this man is not worthy of you for treating you so badly.

So sorry OP. I am 3 months ahead of you. Married 15yrs together 20yrs 2 children etc etc. He left me for someone else too.

Time to be practical. How old are the children? Will he move out? If you have to stay in the same house will you continue doing the "wife work" (sorry - huge assumption that you do the cooking etc).

Unless the house is all yours do not change the locks as he is legally allowed to break in. So it would be pretty pointless and just causes issues

You will need to get paperwork together. All bills, pension info, bank/credit card statements.

Do not sign ANYTHING without speaking to a solicitor - my stbxh tried this one.... didn't work!

You can agree contact with the children and that should start immediately - you are not there to facilitate his new relationship by looking after the kids. He has to step up and have them so you get your free time too.

In relation to bills, he is legally in the right to stop paying for any house related bills once he moves out so do be aware of that.

I changed the council tax into single occupancy the day he left.

Also apply for tax credits. Even though you may still be living in the same house you can apply

Im so sorry. How awful.

It has to only get better from here.

Im very sorry to hear that Tears.

This is where you want to lie down and die but its now that you have to come out fighting with you and the children in mind. Your husband is not your friend, you cannot be kind, you cannot think of old times sake, you can only think of what you do from now on in to protect a roof over your head and your very fair share of the family pot.

As for counselling I doubt it will happen and I think he probably only agreed to go in order to wriggle off the hook a bit yesterday, But that aside - its too soon to be talking of counselling even if its counselling on how to break up amicably. I really do think that all you need to do now is gather all your official documents and as much evidence on your finances as possible, now is not the time to let him go on a spree, you should also take half of whatever money there is in the bank.

Should he come home until he's sorted out re where to live? No. He's made this decision and his reality starts today.

Its absolutely awful that you're not surprised etc who the OW is. Its almost as if you were expecting it so I wonder just what you've picked up on over the years and buried away in your sub conscious. You know OP, this could very well be the best thing ever for you, maybe you've been ready for this for a while and you just didn't know it.

Another one hand holding, and in a similar situation.

Mine left last week after two years of trying to fix things after his affair. His heart wasn't in it and he left anyway. Nearly twenty years together.

You sound like you've behaved amazingly well, op, hope you doing ok. Hurts like fuck, doesn't it? 💐

Thank you everyone for the advice. I managed to get some sleep until now, the sleep of the innocent! It is funny what you think of in the middle of the night, the way they ended up getting together is pretty identical to how I fell for him 20 years ago. He spent a year in love with and as my best friends with me but not brave enough to make a move and when he finally did ther was no going back from the tsunami of feelings that I had for him.
She has thrown everything away for him, she only married two months ago and has lost her job and and given up a huge promotion so that he can stay near the children.

How very convenient for him. OP soon you will be able to lead your life for yourself . You have had a shock and will have a cascade of different emotions but this will ultimately set you free from uncertainty and worrying about his mood or his plans.

Get angry, get practical

He leaves, immediately. He tells the children

Transfer any money you need to

Change things to your name only. A PP mentioned council tax for e.g.

Get paperwork together

Get on Entitled to.com to see where you stand financially

Get a list together of local solicitors who specialise in family law so you can make the call when you need it

Have family and friends ready to hold you when you need it

Do an online shop and get stocked up on chocolate, Ice cream, fancy cheese, wine, tea. Whatever floats your boat

Sorry this is happening

((((((((((Mega Hugs))))))))))) and a Hand to hold.

It's all about HIM, what about YOU

So sorry tears.

Get thee to a family solicitor. Get paperwork together as people say.

get practical as cal says.

Doesn't have to be nasty, avaricious, vengeful, but you DO need and deserve qualified, experienced advice to help you.

And yes, what screamed in your firs post was ll about him him him.

Nothing about you. Have you spent your marriage catering to all-important him and his moods and feelings?

.

Tears, sorry, I didn't understand what you meant by how you and him got together and the mention of friends.

I'm about 21 months on from you. I was devastated when my 20 year marriage broke down, absolutely heartbroken. But I took charge of my life and slowly things got better for me. I realised that I had not been truly happy for some time. I am now happier and more confident than I have ever been. Good luck x

It's good to hear from all the people who have got through this. Sorry if my last post didn't make sense, a middle of the night ramble.
My DS started secondary school a week ago and is finding the transition really tough feeling sick, stomach aches, head aches. I don't know if we should try to hide it for a week or so until he is a bit more settled?