New partner delayed ejaculation

[Realitysucks]

So not sure where to start! I have a new partner, been seeing each other for two months now. We are both 39. He is a really nice guy and we see each other around 3-4 times a week. We started to sleep together after about a month. The first time he didn't ejaculate 😱 As you can imagine the build up after a month was intense so I was left confused! He just said it wasn't me and he has had the problem all his life. Well next time all is good and he does but it takes some time. Sadly my father then Passed away and obviously this has been difficult for me especially in a new relationship. He has been really supportive, I am a really strong person, so it's not like I've been crying all the time, just trying to get on with stuff.

However, we have now slept together around 10 time and he has only ever ejaculate once on the second time. He has now told me that he is on a low dose of citalopram an antidepressant and has been on them for around 6 years. On one hand he says it's to do with the medication and on the other he says he has always had this problem. He does manage it when he masturbates every time on his own. He admits to watching porn not so much now but before. I have tried suggesting he doesn't do either when we dont see each other. He seems not that bothered by it and says that he is just used to it. On Friday he had been away for the week and had abstained from everything. We tried for nearly an hour with no luck until I had just had enough. I tried to talk about it last night but he just seems to get defensive. I have tried to ask what I can do and all he says is go on top but we have tried that and it still didn't work. He just brushes it off saying it will happen and will be fine but I'm not convinced.

I really do like him and he seems to like me but I am worried about it. It kind of feels like the emotional connection can't be built if sex is always left half finished. I enjoy that part of sex and knowing that you have satisfied your man, can a relationship like this really work though? When I tried to talk about it he just said you want me to go and see someone dont you. That's not what I mean but if it helps me to understand then maybe he should. I Explained this and said only if he wants to. He says all of his friends are the same, which I find strange given that whilst I have not had 100s of guys I have never come across this problem before. Yes sure when your partner has been drinking or maybe stressed sometimes it doesn't happen but this seems to be more than that. Has anyone experienced the same thing?

This isn't delayed ejaculation, this is sex with a real life woman doesn't do it for him.

I've been there. I ended it.

My boyfriend is in his early 30s and doesn't have this problem. I've only noticed a problem ejaculating in men in their late 40s onwards and in those who use a lot of porn.

Has he been on his own a while OP? Sometimes men are so used to masturbating only, they need time to adjust to new sensations.

He was in a relationship for two years until September last year. This was the longest relationship he has had. He had a short relationship for a few weeks earlier this year and another one for a couple of weeks about two months before me.

The thing is, Ma, that the 'new sensation' you're referring to is a pretty natural one that the human body is designed to respond to. Along with the additional stimulus of having a real person there next to you.

I remember the days when a man who'd been single for a while was more likely to cum to soon due to the 'new sensations', rather than not at all.

I can't imagine it's helpful making a big deal out of it. Maybe focus on just enjoying the sex rather than putting so much importance on him ejaculating?

I also think the anti depressants are contributing. It's a well known side effect. I wouldn't take it personally especially as he is used to it and not bothered. I don't think it will help him if you are all angsty asking him what you can do.

Obviously I don't want to make the situation worse. I'm not gong on about it all the time and when I have approached the subject I have tried to be tactful. It's more about trying to understand. At the end of the day if he can do it on his own then it may not be a medical issue, either way it is getting to me as much as I'm trying not to let it.

Another saying that this is a common side effect of antidepressants and for women too.

Swing I'm not sure we have got to that stage yet it is early days! I did suggest it last night when we were talking and said if it helps then I'm all for it. Look I'm trying to be as relaxed as I can but the fact he can't / doesn't seem to want to talk about it makes it worse. It was obviously really difficult for him to tell me about the antidepressants and this was immediately after sex when he said look I need to level with you I'm taking medication and the doctor said that it may affect my ability to ejaculate but I had the problem before as well.

Golden thanks for the post. Yes I agree sex isn't all about orgasms. I'm more concerned that surely after an hours sex with no release he must be frustrated?!? Does this mean he goes home and does it ? Or genuinely it doesn't matter? It's not like he doesn't pay attention to me so there are no worries there.

I really do like him. I already have a teenage son from a previous relationship. Over the past few years I had pretty much given up on having another child what with being 40 next year I feel like I have left it too late and to be honest I had started to think I have my life back so wasn't sure I would want to now anyway. The thing is he asked me if I wanted more children as he would like to have a child at some point. I said i wasn't sure whether I would as I couldn't bear the thought of doing it on my own again. He is of the view I wouldn't be but every women no matter how secure their relationship is has to consider the fact they may end up on their own with a child.

He said that if I didn't it wouldn't matter but it is something he would like to if he could. Since he has said this I have thought more about maybe having another child isn't such a bad idea. Obviously only with the right person but if the relationship works and moves forward then actually it probably is something I would consider with him. ( so in my view I must really like him given that in my past two relationships there is now way I would have had a child with them!)

Then I think how the hell could we though. If he has this issue with ejaculation then how is that going to happen. I know we are taking way down the line here and I probably shouldn't even be thinking about it like that but I am!

Sex worker here. This isn't uncommon at all and I have many clients who struggle to ejaculate due to medication and/or previous surgery (e.g. for testicular or prostate cancer.) They still enjoy giving me pleasure and they enjoy the physical sensations of sex/oral even if there is no final release. They also enjoy just the closeness and intimacy.

I'm sure some guys with this problem do find it frustrating and would rather not start sex at all, but your guy sounds like he isn't one of these.

I would take the approach that sex with him is going to be focussed on the journey and not the destination. And if he does ejaculate, it's a lovely bonus, but not the main goal.

I just want to say I'm a 26 year old male, been with my girlfriend for almost 2 years, I have never had problems with ejaculating from sex, until 2 months ago when I started taking anti depressants, I now find it almost impossible to cum from sex, and I also struggle to make myself cum from masturbating

I have a lot of experience with this as dh is on a lot of medication. I do sympathise as it can take some getting used to and I do worry that I'm not enough for dh (to be honest most of my partners have had this problem which does make me wonder if I'm just crap in bed). It's a chance to try what sounds selfish, ie to focus on pleasure but then your own orgasm. You may find that if you are getting lost in your own pleasure it massively takes the pressure off him and if anything he is more likely to come as a result.

The whole thing has made me more sympathetic to partners of women who struggle to orgasm (like me).

I was going to say what GoldenOrb said.

Focus on yourself. Don't ask or question him - it's the last thing he needs to feel relaxed.
If he wasn't getting pleasure from sex with you - he won't be doing it.

Plenty of women have the same issue and don't orgasm with PIV sex. Many end up faking to please their partners.
Men don't have that luxury. 🤷🏻‍♀️

He may yet relax with you and get to the point where this issue lessens.
Or, he may get comfortable enough to be able to finish himself off with you there. And, maybe you will get to help.

If other things about him tick your boxes, don't make his orgasms an obstacle to your relationship.

Look up Death Grip. An ex of mine had it and could only really finish himself off as a result. In his case it was caused by lots of porn and wanking. Maybe he has a similar problem? The relationship didn't last at least partially because not being able to do much for him in the bedroom was a huge blow to my self esteem.

www.soc.ucsb.edu/sexinfo/article/masturbation-death-grip-syndrome-dgs

OP, I don't think that this is anything to do with how he feels about you. I'm 28, have been on antidepressants for 12 years and I can confirm inability to orgasm most definitely is a side effect. I hardly ever orgasm through any kind of sexual stimulation with a partner (example, in a year long relationship I had one orgasm). But for whatever reason I can always make myself come through masturbation.

The fact I don't orgasm through sex is totally unrelated to the person I'm having sex with, and it doesn't bother me at all, I'm used to it and prolonged stimulation from a partner to try and get me to orgasm would just get physically uncomfortable. But I have dated some guys that refuse not to take it personally no matter how openly I explain it to them, and their inability to separate it from their ego has led to the end of the relationship. I think he's telling you the truth, if its a deal breaker for you that's fair enough, but I don't think you should pressure him to try and address the problem if he's happy and doesn't see it as a problem

He does manage it when he masturbates every time on his own. He admits to watching porn not so much now but before

Porn hound, death grip, there's the problem, nuff said.

Thing is, it's lovely that everyone is reassuring Reality that antidepressants can cause problems with ejaculating.

Except that he doesn't have a problem ejaculating. He has a problem ejaculating through piv sex. She's already said he cums everytime he masturbates.

So I'd suggest that, whilst the ADs might be a contributing factor, it's not the whole story.

Citalopram is a nightmare for a mans ejaculation if it wasn't a problem before!!, My husband was on it and it was a nightmare for him. They actually give Citalopram to men who suffer with premature ejaculation, so you can why its taking him forever.

He will be very frustrated about it

Thanks guys all your messages have really helped. At least I know that other people have to deal with this too! I suppose I really do have to just try and get over the is it me question. The practicalities of the situation is also something I feel that we need to talk about ( in other words at what point is enough as I feel like he could just keep going for hours where as I can't!) but maybe that will just all come out in time!

Josuk thanks. It is funny you say that as part of the conversation after our last time was he asked me if I ever come during sex. I don't and he seems surprised. In fact I have only ever come during sex like 3 times in my life and all those times were with a partner who was quite well endowed! Maybe that is the problem as of that is something that he is looking for and I don't it is a turn off for him 😬