New partner delayed ejaculation

[Realitysucks]

So not sure where to start! I have a new partner, been seeing each other for two months now. We are both 39. He is a really nice guy and we see each other around 3-4 times a week. We started to sleep together after about a month. The first time he didn't ejaculate 😱 As you can imagine the build up after a month was intense so I was left confused! He just said it wasn't me and he has had the problem all his life. Well next time all is good and he does but it takes some time. Sadly my father then Passed away and obviously this has been difficult for me especially in a new relationship. He has been really supportive, I am a really strong person, so it's not like I've been crying all the time, just trying to get on with stuff.

However, we have now slept together around 10 time and he has only ever ejaculate once on the second time. He has now told me that he is on a low dose of citalopram an antidepressant and has been on them for around 6 years. On one hand he says it's to do with the medication and on the other he says he has always had this problem. He does manage it when he masturbates every time on his own. He admits to watching porn not so much now but before. I have tried suggesting he doesn't do either when we dont see each other. He seems not that bothered by it and says that he is just used to it. On Friday he had been away for the week and had abstained from everything. We tried for nearly an hour with no luck until I had just had enough. I tried to talk about it last night but he just seems to get defensive. I have tried to ask what I can do and all he says is go on top but we have tried that and it still didn't work. He just brushes it off saying it will happen and will be fine but I'm not convinced.

I really do like him and he seems to like me but I am worried about it. It kind of feels like the emotional connection can't be built if sex is always left half finished. I enjoy that part of sex and knowing that you have satisfied your man, can a relationship like this really work though? When I tried to talk about it he just said you want me to go and see someone dont you. That's not what I mean but if it helps me to understand then maybe he should. I Explained this and said only if he wants to. He says all of his friends are the same, which I find strange given that whilst I have not had 100s of guys I have never come across this problem before. Yes sure when your partner has been drinking or maybe stressed sometimes it doesn't happen but this seems to be more than that. Has anyone experienced the same thing?

No of course not as it happens other ways with a partner doing it. The point is no matter what I try with him it doesn't happen.

Hang on, some people on here are so fucking black and white.

I was on citalopram for years and years. My clit was dead. I couldn't orgasm for love nor money with DH. Yet I used porn and could get myself off quickly when I needed to.

It didn't mean I was broken, it meant that I knew exactly how to make myself come quickly and that's what I did. There was no way of making DH manage it.

its happened to every man ive been with thats been on antidepressants. Delayed or non existant orgasm is also a side effect for women on SSRIs.

porn on the other hand, ive never noticed it making a difference in this respect

Not in ANY of my sexual experiences, has porn made a difference to how quickly someone ejaculates during sex. Im not saying it never happens, but for whatever the rights and wrongs of porn are, I dont think its likely to be the case, and MUCH more likely to be the citalopram, as its a well known and practically universal side effect of the drug.

Porn and masturbation was definitely the problem with my ex, something he freely admitted. Death grip is a pretty well known thing and he was a member of an online community of people who were trying to overcome it.

Goldenorb no not from every sexual encounter as it depends how hard the guy try's! But if he try's then probably 99% by other means other than Penatrive sex. Obviously it is the same for me if I've been drinking or tired then it takes longer or just isn't going to happen but I'm usually pretty up front about it.

surely the death grip is about their wanking technique, rather than whether theyre watching porn or not

I was with a guy like this and it was all about the death grip. I used to just finish him off "by hand". 😁 I dont think its a big deal tbh. I personally can't come from penetration, neither could this guy. A vagina can't have the speed, friction and pressure of a hand and thats how these guys have been "trained" to come.

The question is what you do when you want to conceive. The turkey syringe thing sounds grim grim grim. Maybe it could work with using your hand until the very last moment and then him thrusting into you when ejaculating? Maybe other MNers have experience on this point that can reassure you.

I dont think this is reason to leave a good man who makes you happy.

Has he spoken to a medical professional about this problem at all?, its hellish embarrassing but he sure needs some help.

And you standing by him that's worth a helluva lot:)

Just a boy - Well actually managed to have a proper conversation last night and he pretty much answered most of my concerns. I have managed to establish it is defiantly not a death grip style as well 🙈

Originally he said he hadn't spoken to GP then last night said he had 'mentioned' it to his doctor years ago but they just said it was part and parcel of the tablets. Turns out he is still on 20mg of citalopram ( which I already know is not the lowest dose). I explained that I had done Some research and seen that they also give this to guys who have Premature ejaculation which he did not know. He suggested, not me, that he would go back to the GP this week and talk to them and get the dose lowered to 10 to see if that helped. We also talked about the time of day that he took it. To be fair he was much more open to the conversation than he has been before and even thanked me for pointing a few things out. Again he made clear that it really didn't bother him and he wasn't ever left feeling frustrated but he didn't want me worrying about it and didn't want me getting upset or thinking it was me. I have made it clear that I am not asking him to mess with his medication or anything, I just want to try and understand so I can try and deal with it in my own head as it is something I'm not used to. Hopefully the GP wil have some suggestions but he seems pretty up for getting something done now.

We also tried a few suggestions that people on here had previously made, still no joy with any of them 😫

When I got together with my DH I new about him having this problem and that it meant if we were to have a child it would be through adoption. It turns out he has a medical condition which was diagnosed later into our relationship which fully explained this symptom. We accept this is just he way it is. Don't get me wrong it's frustration that he doesn't finish no matter what we try although he can finish himself by himself. On the plus side we're happily married with a beautiful adopted DD. Sometimes the person is worth it.

Inability to orgasm is a well known side effect (in both men and women) of citalopram.
Good luck with resolving this.

Had the same problem with citalopram, and like others masturbation was less affected. Off the citalopram and back to normal orgasms.

CompletelyUnknown why did it automatically mean you would have to adopt???

Because he could never finish and it got worse. It was a big conversation we had early on whether we wanted to do IVF AI etc. We have friends/family that have went down the adoption route and decided to focus our energy on that when the times comes. I know everyone is different and it's a personal choice. My DH ended up being diagnosed with MS which explained the symptom. There are many medical reasons why this could happen as well as due to medications. You make the most of what you have in life. I have a wonderful husband and a gorgeous daughter who I love more hen I ever thought imaginable.

Good for you! Sounds like a happy ending (teehee). I was curious because the guy I was with I could bring to "completion" in....erm....other ways, so I would assume TTC with that set-up you would just get him to penetrate at the last minute.

Hadn't occured to me that there would be guys who couldnt full stop.

Obviously the not being able to finish has its benefits

Completely unknown sounds like you have managed to overcome the situation! It would seem there is hope! Do you mind me asking how old he was when you met? When u say it got worse what do you mean ? Sorry to be intrusive I'm just not convinced after my conversation last night that it happens every time for him by other means either. Please give me an insight to the benefits of him not being able to finish lol! I'm not sure I've reached that point yet. If you knew from the beginning how did you deal with it?

OP he was mid 30's and when we met we knew there was no point in beating about the bush with potential deal breakers. We are adults and we were not strangers to each other so we put it in all on the table after a month or so of dating. He didn't know what the cause was but eventually after trying many many different "techniques" nothing seemed to help. Then the dreaded male ego kicked in and made things worse. So along with the failure to finish we had the failure to launch. Here is this man I love feeling like a failure because of something so many take for granted. Anyway long story short a few other things happened along the way and he's diagnosed with MS which explains so much. This is such a common symptom for men and it's caused by damage in his brain. It can't be fixed. We have to accept it. That helped. He wasn't a failure. It wasn't his fault. (This is the voice in his head not me). It also means he gets a lifetime supply of the little blue pills for good measure. Don't get me wrong sometimes I just want to hurry up and finish 😉 I'm very easy to please!! It also meant he was eager to please as his need to make me climax became a priority. Although I warn you the male ego is a difficult thing to balance. They will torture themselves and their apparent failure. Just be supportive and remember there is more than one way to get the desired outcome.

The death grip thing got worse and worse with my ex. By the end, he couldn't cum at all with me, full stop, no matter what he or I did. The other day I tried to remember if he ever came inside me during our entire six-year relationship, and I honestly don't think he ever did. It's definitely a thing.