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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

MrsHenryWinter Update Thread

34 replies

MrsHenryWinter · 14/09/2017 11:38

You won't like it but a few people have messaged me to ask how I am.

I'm fine as it goes and still with my husband.

I don't know what else to say. It's still a massively dysfunctional relationship and I am slowly making moves to get free. It's hard work and I'm tired by it all.

But I'm alive and my children are happy, so thank you to those of you who were worried.

OP posts:
IskraTG · 14/09/2017 11:42

I think of you often. Your story hit me harder than any other, to be honest.

I am glad you are making moves. I hope you carried on studying :)

Original poster
MrsHenryWinter · 14/09/2017 12:08

Unfortunately I wasn't able to start my Masters. Surprise, surprise.

I have got a job though, which I applied and interviewed for in secret. It caused a lot of upset at the time but things have settled down agsin.

My wages go into a joint account so I can't save them but it does provide some security knowing I can earn my own money.

OP posts:
IskraTG · 14/09/2017 14:55

I'm so sorry. I'm glad you're employed though, that's a really great step - and while it's awful things were hard, it's hopefully given you a tiny victory over him and you survived/endured whatever his reaction entailed.

I wish work could pay you in some kind of portion - some into the joint account, some to you, so you could save it away. I know it doesn't work that though.

I hope things continue to improve and you get out :/

ElspethFlashman · 14/09/2017 14:59

Well done on the job. I have thought of you from time to time and hoped you were well. Flowers

ElspethFlashman · 14/09/2017 15:02

I presume you were able to avoid pregnancy that time last year since you don't mention a baby. Hope you have some control of it now.

ElspethFlashman · 14/09/2017 15:04

Oh and I almost forgot, you can squirrel away money by accepting cash back in shops. 20 quid a week adds up.

Original poster
MrsHenryWinter · 14/09/2017 15:28

Thank you for your kind thoughts.

He did go for the vasectomy in the end although that's made him worse if anything. He now says he did that for me so he would be very angry if I ever left. I'm paraphrasing here Smile

OP posts:
IskraTG · 14/09/2017 16:15

That's pretty twisted - "I'll go for surgery so I can guilt it over her." Bloke's got some dedication to the cause. People around him will never hear the end of that story.

I hope one day you just - to him - vanish. He comes home, you're gone. He never finds you. The end. With a nice epilogue chapter of him dying cold, hungry and alone. Preferably in a jailcell, but hey, total and complete isolation in his miserable empty home could work just as well.

Original poster
MrsHenryWinter · 14/09/2017 16:42

Turns out DH is a pretty twisted guy.

I don't know how I didn't see it sooner.

I can't remember if I mentioned trying out the 'grey rock' technique on my last thread?

In short, it's about being completely dull and uninteresting so that they lose interest in you. I think it's used when a couple have broken up so the abused can get the abuser to leave them alone.

I tried it at home and he knew all about it. He laughed at me and said he would never lose interest.

OP posts:
IskraTG · 14/09/2017 16:46

Ew! What's he been doing, reading up on abuse survival so he can 'pre-empt' it? I can imagine he can see the change in you taking some control and he must surely know he's losing his grip.

Please stay safe, though, I fear for your safety if he decides to be violent.

bettytaghetti · 14/09/2017 19:45

Are you absolutely sure he hasn't been reading these threads?

Original poster
MrsHenryWinter · 14/09/2017 20:21

I did worry about that for a while but he's not at all tech minded, nor is he interested in my phone or what I do in that regard.

I'm just an object he likes to own.

OP posts:
Angelf1sh · 14/09/2017 20:24

I haven't seen your previous thread/s so I don't understand- if you recognise his behaviour is bad, why are you still with him?

Original poster
MrsHenryWinter · 14/09/2017 20:46

There are lots of reasons why I stay. And lots of reasons why I can't leave.

When I first started writing about my relationship I didn't even think it was abusive. Coming to the realisation that everything was very wrong has been extremely traumatic.

I'm doing things in my own way and in my own time. I know it's not what people want to hear but I'm scared to leave what I know. I had a very unstable childhood and I need to have something stable and secure to work towards.

OP posts:
WiseUpJanetWeiss · 14/09/2017 21:12

MrsHenryWinter, it really doesn't matter anyone else wants to hear. Yes of course we'd love to hear you have escaped and are happy, but the last thing you should feel is pressure to conform to the expectations of a bunch of internet randoms - goodness knows you're living that kind of crap every moment in RL.

I've never posted on your threads before, but I can see you are making progress and have to do this in your own time as you get stronger and the DC get older.

That said, the support will be here when you do decide to leap, or if you are forced to run.

TherealMrsBloom · 15/09/2017 12:01

Your last thread makes harrowing reading, MrsHW. There are women posting on this site who have had some truly awful experiences but never have I been so chilled to the core as I was when reading it. What is particularly unnerving is the matter-of- fact way in which you recount how your H treats you, when, in fact, you could be describing the events of a horror film. I was able to turn my phone off afterwards but you are living this every hour of every day in real life.

I think I understand how you found yourself in this relationship and I also understand how difficult it is to alter your mindset so that you start to see your DH no longer as your friend, but as your enemy: it is simply far too frightening for you to contemplate. You are probably exhausted because your brain is constantly trying to rationalise what you are going through and you are having subconsciously to tell yourself lies to keep yourself sane and the whole family functioning for your own sanity and for your children's well-being. Please keep reading about what normal relationships should be like. Please keep posting on this site and listening to what other women say. This is your reality check! Could you perhaps forge the time in your working day to see a counsellor without your husband knowing?

It is excellent that you have found some freedom in your job - I daren't even hope that his leash on you is loosening.... It will take time to alter your mindset but I hope one day soon you will be ready to extricate yourself from this truly horrendous relationship and to live the normal life that you deserve, free from his entirely unnatural hold on you.

I am thinking about you, and rooting for you. Stay strong and know this does not have to be forever - there is help out there for you and your children when you feel strong enough to seize it. Flowers

SleepFreeZone · 15/09/2017 12:05

I don't know anything about your previous threads, in just praying there are no kids involved.

Original poster
MrsHenryWinter · 15/09/2017 12:49

As I've said before, it doesn't feel so bad day to day. On a functional level we are much like any other family.

Thank you MrsBloom for your insight. I know it's not normal but it's all I have for now. I can even forget that anything is wrong at all until the cycle starts again.

OP posts:
DanielCraigsUnderpants · 15/09/2017 13:52

No advice, I just want you to know that there are lots of people thinking of you and that you are a strong capable person.

CredulousThickos · 15/09/2017 14:22

I've thought of you often since your original OP.

It's HUGE that you've seen it for what it is. The rest will come in your own time.

I have to ask, do you know for a fact he had the vasectomy? Do you still have your coil in place?

Original poster
MrsHenryWinter · 15/09/2017 15:43

He definitely had a vasectomy. The fallout was huge and lasted well over 6 months.

OP posts:
yawning801 · 15/09/2017 15:48

Can you link to the old thread so that I know what to say (apart from I can tell already that you are so bloody strong it's unreal!)?

splendidisolation · 15/09/2017 15:54

Glad to see you're well :) Congrats on the job!

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yawning801 · 15/09/2017 16:03

Wowsers. Just skimmed through and omg. Congratulations on getting a job and glad to hear that you're well!