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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i just lived up to the "crazy ex" stereotype

70 replies

grittypetal · 12/09/2017 20:35

I have been getting upset about exDP's new gf for a while here. If you read my old threads you'll see. Well, she moved in with him now, DC are going over and spend time with them regularly.
I thought I was doing quite well, however, a few days ago in a phone converstaion with him related to her I totally lost my cool and spilled out all the negative stuff that I keep in my head about her.
He was defensive of her and is now way colder with me. It seems to me he's well annoyed with me for slagging her off to him.
I am well aware that thiswas studpid and immature, but I was caught off guard in that conversation and did not gather my thoughts quick enough.
The question is - how bad did I fuck it up? Is this going to damage our relationship? We were just starting to manage to keep things cool between us for the DC sake.

OP posts:
Brazenhussy0 · 12/09/2017 20:37

What exactly was the 'negative stuff' that spilled out?

The fallout (and how long it lasts) depends on what you said and why.

Original poster
grittypetal · 12/09/2017 20:41

well I basicly let him know that I think she is a bit of a tart and let him see that I am still jealous. I am really kicking myself for it now, I had managed to hide the jealousy in the past months

OP posts:
Aperolspritzer123 · 12/09/2017 20:44

We all have blips. So you lowered yourself and felt bad afterwards - I wouldn't worry about it tbh. Learn from it - spill your guts to your mates or on here in future. Don't beat yourself up, you probably just gave him an ego boost by showing him you're bothered.

TresDesolee · 12/09/2017 20:46

Meh. You said what you thought, and you can't take it back now. At least you've had your say. You could try texting or speaking to him to apologise - (for having said something inappropriate to him, not for feeling it in the first place). Was she the other woman or had you split up when they got together? For me that determines how much you should beat yourself up about it Grin

Original poster
grittypetal · 12/09/2017 20:50

Tres, she was not the OW. There was not any.

OP posts:
TresDesolee · 12/09/2017 21:00

Oops. In that case, for the sake of keeping your relationship with him on an even keel, you might want to say sorry. And as previous posters said find someone else to rant to!

Cat2014 · 12/09/2017 21:01

Yes I think you should apologise, sorry

Brazenhussy0 · 12/09/2017 21:01

You called your ex's girlfriend a 'tart' and are hoping he'll still be ok with you? Hmm

What's the backstory here?

pinkyredrose · 12/09/2017 21:02

What makes you think she's a tart?

Original poster
grittypetal · 12/09/2017 21:07

I suppose I am just jealous. I did not use the t-word but said something along the lines she uses her looks to get what she wants, she is not at all as nice as she makes out and he just not see that... the ususal crap as I recognise now. God, so ashamed of myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
grittypetal · 12/09/2017 21:09

made him notice how insecure I am about her

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 12/09/2017 21:09

You should apologise

Original poster
grittypetal · 12/09/2017 21:11

Naze, I do not want to apologize. I do mean all those things I am just upset about having spilled them out!

OP posts:
SummerflowerXx · 12/09/2017 21:12

Flowers yes, an apology might not go amiss. But once you have apologised, he should accept your apology. Steer clear of discussion about his GF, the only thing you need to discuss is DC.

SummerflowerXx · 12/09/2017 21:13

Then you can say you are sorry you said those things, that is not a lie. It doesn't matter what you think in your head.

Loopytiles · 12/09/2017 21:14

Why were you even discussing this with him?

Boundaries are needed with him!

Whereismumhiding2 · 12/09/2017 21:20

Yup you behaved like crazy ex and lost your cool. Meh, it happens. Just say sorry, that you shouldn't have said that ,and try to keep your views to yourself even if it's true), to keep the peace for sake of DC

midsummabreak · 12/09/2017 21:55

Dont beat yourself up. You are doing really well most of the time, from the sound of it, by keeping the peace for your childrens sake. You say you are worried that by sounding jealous you have impacted your relationship, as you were starting to keep things cool between you? Dont stress, it will all be forgotton if you make it clear it was just an off day, and you really want to keep things good for the childrens sake.

Very briefly apologise for sounding offhand and dont worry if he is defensive , then move on

You have then made your good intentions clear, and in time he will see you mean it. You sound a lovely mum who is really doing her best to ensure your children have the best childhood both parents can offer for them, and are working things out with x partner, with them as top priority. So what if you had an off day- you're human! Xo

Expemsiveuniform · 12/09/2017 21:59

A bit of a tart is a horrible thing to say.

midsummabreak · 12/09/2017 22:05

make time for yourself each week to go out and have fun. Life is too short to waste too much negative energy on his new partner. Put all your focus on spoiling yourself, and do something nice for you today.

Subtlecheese · 12/09/2017 22:23

If you want to salvage something out of this. Apologise well and thoroughly. Admit to jealousy that he has moved on smoothly with his life and state that right now you are stressed and recognise it was wrong of you to let that stress overflow aimed at someone not to blame.
Don't do it again. Take a step back further from exes life. Maybe aboid the phone calls and rely on texts to sort out children for a while.
Use the space to work on goals for you to move on.

Cricrichan · 13/09/2017 06:48

If she wasn't the OW then I don't see what your problem with her is. Is it someone you know?

AufderAutobahn · 13/09/2017 08:13

You slagged off his girlfriend, who, by the sounds of it, didn't really deserve it. I'm sorry but I think you need to apologise. It's only only going to damage your relationship with your ex further if you don't.

Isetan · 13/09/2017 08:50

Just because what you say might be true and in this case the 'truth' is subjective, it doesn't mean you have a right to say it. So let me get this straight your only regret is that it made you look bad, well that's what generally happens when you go around saying mean things unprovoked.

If you want to maintain some semblance of cordiality you have two choices, apologise and work harder on keeping your emotions in check or limit your conversations with your Ex.

Negativity has a way of spilling out if you don't acknowledge it and work towards curtailing it.

fertilitykate · 13/09/2017 08:56

Apologise. Unreservedly. This woman, who has done you no harm, is in your children's lives. Apologise .

And next time show some self control, decency and restraint.

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