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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i just lived up to the "crazy ex" stereotype

70 replies

grittypetal · 12/09/2017 20:35

I have been getting upset about exDP's new gf for a while here. If you read my old threads you'll see. Well, she moved in with him now, DC are going over and spend time with them regularly.
I thought I was doing quite well, however, a few days ago in a phone converstaion with him related to her I totally lost my cool and spilled out all the negative stuff that I keep in my head about her.
He was defensive of her and is now way colder with me. It seems to me he's well annoyed with me for slagging her off to him.
I am well aware that thiswas studpid and immature, but I was caught off guard in that conversation and did not gather my thoughts quick enough.
The question is - how bad did I fuck it up? Is this going to damage our relationship? We were just starting to manage to keep things cool between us for the DC sake.

OP posts:
Namethecat · 13/09/2017 08:58

As awful to be told this as obviously you have feelings for him still, he loves her not you and will defend her from any criticism as once he would have done for you. Your time with him his over, and the way/thoughts/conversations you used to be able to share as his partner has gone as well. I'm sure in time things will improve but for now maybe tell yourself you will discuss only your shared children and perhaps the weather !

southernharp · 13/09/2017 09:48

Meh. Don't apologise. Don't explain. Just get on with things as best you can. I think you should find some fun stuff for yourself and concentrate on having fun with your kids. Btw I called my ex h's girlfriend 'a massively selfish tart' to her face, but she was the OW.. Hell will freeze over before I apologise.

BitOutOfPractice · 13/09/2017 10:06

Why are you even discussing her with him?

glitterfarts · 13/09/2017 10:06

"I'm sorry for speaking negatively about your girlfriend, let's agree to keep all discussion only about the children for now".

heidiwine · 13/09/2017 10:48

You have kids with this guy. Like it or not his new girlfriend could become a permanent part of their lives. Just say sorry and move on. You might think all the things you said but their your thoughts and shouldn't be shared with your ex or your kids - vent to a friend.
It's easy, you say:
I've been thinking about the things I said about X and I shouldn't have said them. I want to put that behind us and focus on the kids.
And then you move on to talk about something directly relating to them.

heron98 · 13/09/2017 11:29

I did this too.

In fact, the worst thing I did was write "FUCK OFF" in chalk outside his house at 1am when I knew she was staying there (it was a bad time). I then freaked out about it, walked back at 2am and washed it off!

It's really hard and it will get easier. Perversely, his "new" partner is now one of my closest friends.

Original poster
grittypetal · 13/09/2017 12:55

Well, the back story is thus - exDP comes around to collect DC and sometimes stays at mines for a few minutes / half an hour. The gf wants to accompany him - she is from the same circle of friends so she's been to mine a few times in the past. However, I asked the ex not to bring her as it hurts me still to see her hang around him. In that conversation he complained to me that she was upset about it and said I hate her etc. Well, after hearing that I exploded and told him that, yes, I actually do not like her. Stupid of me, no?

OP posts:
KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 13/09/2017 12:57

heron
I'm sorry that made me chuckle a little bit.
Did he ever find out?

PeaceAndLove1 · 13/09/2017 13:02

It's easily done OP. Have you ever tried writing your feelings down. I find it helps sometimes. I've even written texts/emails and not sent them.

RubyRed2017 · 13/09/2017 13:02

grittypetal honestly I don't think you should bring it up again with him. That will just stir it up more. You shouldn't apologise unless its sincere. If he brings it up you could say that you are sorry if you hurt his feelings or something similar, but stick to the point that you don't want her to come in your house. Its your house and you don't have to have her round.

Original poster
grittypetal · 13/09/2017 13:08

heron, did you really do that. Did that make you feel better? Sounds really tempting actually...

OP posts:
Original poster
grittypetal · 13/09/2017 13:08

thank you everyoneone for your kind advice. This is not a kind of thing you'd discuss with your friends over a coffee

OP posts:
MadMags · 13/09/2017 13:12

but said something along the lines she uses her looks to get what she wants, she is not at all as nice as she makes out and he just not see that...

Wow!

I think he should keep his distance from you. Minimal contact about the dc. And I certainly hope he stops calling in for coffee.

You sound deranged.

TheRealBiscuitAddict · 13/09/2017 13:20

How long ago and why did you split?

When I first got together with my now DP my ex said some pretty choice things and made some pretty horrible threats against me, but most of those were because of his own feelings and insecurities about whether DP would have a good relationship with the DC etc etc. Ultimately though his comments/reactions were all about him and this is the same in your case. You've chosen to tell him what you've told him because you're jealous and insecure If you have a decent enough co parenting relationship tel him that it's not her it's you, apologise for throwing the comments at him and then move on.

Now my ex has a partner of his own and believe me I could write a book about the stuff I could say about her, all of which is true, and none of which has to do with my feelings. But I have never even opened my mouth about her towards either my ex or my DC, even though I know that ex has told her that I've slagged her off when actually he's had plenty to say in the past. I figure that if I can see it, others will too, and if they choose to do nothing with what they know or the type of person she is then that's down to them not me.

AdaColeman · 13/09/2017 13:42

Well from your update it sounds as though the GF isn't slow to put in her two penneth of thoughts about you, so don't feel bad about what you said.
Like you, I wouldn't want her coming into my home to collect the children, and I think it's an odd thing for her to request. Why would she want to do that, other than to emphasise to you that she is now a major part of your children's lives?

For the future, try to stay calm and detached about her, don't mention her to your Ex, and don't rise to the bait if he starts talking about her to you.
As time passes, what she does and says will have less impact on you. Thanks

Whereismumhiding2 · 13/09/2017 19:27

Actually OP I have read your update today and can totally understand how you ended up loosing your cool - as your XP is trying to bring his new gf round into your house, very 'in your face'. He has no business doing that, and its ok to say, no one else but him can come in.
So i think @midsummabreak had a better take on it last night. Coupled with "your home, your boundaries".
I actually feel very sorry for you, and think he's rather insensitive. I hope this resolves for you all. Apologise and move on, ywnbu to be clear, that at this point, she waits in the car.

Original poster
grittypetal · 13/09/2017 20:01

Whereismum, she's not even in the car, she stays in his house 2 streets away... I felt ex wanted to play "happy families" with her and me being on friendly terms, her coming into my house and generally everything being "nice"

OP posts:
Hepzibar · 13/09/2017 20:47

OP what's wrong with happy families? You being on friendly terms? And everything being generally nice?

Isn't that what you want for your children?if not, it should be.

ImTakingTheEssence · 13/09/2017 21:12

Gritty if I didn't know any better I'd swear you were my partners ex.. all your previous posts and your behaviour maybe you are? Hmm
What have you got against his gf apart from her being with your ex. Anything you do or say about her will only bring them closer together and makes you like a bunny boiler. Maybe concentrate on your own life and leave them alone. As for her being involved with your children why is this a bad thing? If she treats them well what's the problem.

Isetan · 14/09/2017 05:34

You're resentment of her is because you're not over him and as for playing happy families, I think that's your game. When he's in your house you can pretend that things are as they were and her presence would disturb that. I'm not saying you should have her in your home but while you still have such strong feelings for him, you do yourself no favours by not having stronger boundaries.

It's ok not to be over him, something's take longer but if you really do want to maintain an amicable relationship in the future, then 'getting over him', has to be the goal.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 14/09/2017 05:53

He was defensive of her and is now way colder with me. It seems to me he's well annoyed with me for slagging her off to him.

Well what exactly do you expect? You called his partner a tart and you wonder why he's being off with you?

You are refusing to apologise so expect the being colder with you continue!

OnionKnight · 14/09/2017 06:07

If you don't apologise then he'll be cold with you for a long time, it's your choice really.

PeaceAndLove1 · 14/09/2017 16:05

Is it possible for you to go very low contact with your ex, no contacted is better when there are still feelings there. This is the only thing that worked for me. I don't think you've said the rough ages of your children, are they old enough to walk out to the car themselves. I wouldn't have the ex in your house at all.

Hidingtonothing · 14/09/2017 16:20

Maybe him being cold for a while is a good thing, it's really hard to get over someone when you still have to see so much of them and his prolonged visits are probably not helping.

I wouldn't bother apologising, I'd just keep contact to a minimum for a while. If there's still feelings on your side it's insensitive and unfair of him to be pushing you to play happy families, that might be possible at some point in the future but it's perfectly reasonable for you to need some time before you get to that stage.

If he brings it up again I would just tell him he's going too fast for you and you need time to get used to the new setup, nothing unreasonable about that Flowers

Hissy · 14/09/2017 16:26

It's OK to be funny about her wanting to muscle in on the access visits, you don't have to welcome her into your home just because.

Why is she doing it? to stamp her mark on everything?