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Original poster

OLD now I get some of the profile comments.

54 replies

1DAD2KIDS · 11/09/2017 20:01

I have dipped my self into the world of online dating again, gluten for punishment. Anyway often on profiles I would see a statement I didn't like much from women with children. Normally 'my kids have got a dad, they don't need another'. I used to find this vulgar, bitter and a turn off.

But reasently I have come across women who don't have kids or want kids, which is fine. But they don't want to be with a man who is the primary carer for his kids as they don't want to play mummy. Sometimes in their profile or their response even though I have not mentioned the kids or alluded to that in the first place. It's fine not to want anything to do with kids but I hate the premise that anyone would think I was looking for a mummy for them. They have a mum in their life. I'm looking for someone for me to share good times with not a mother figure.

So now I see the reason for that comment. Yes probably a bit bitter but forged out of experiance of blokes being suspious of their motive being for a new daddy. Well I get it now and it's a horrible feeling that transcends the genders. Some women think like that too. So it also got me wondering if there is a more elegant way of saying I have kids but not looking for another parent figure?

OP posts:
SweetLuck · 11/09/2017 20:06

I have a child but wouldn't have mentioned her in my dating profile, why would you? To me that is the sort of conversation you would have on an early date.

roverman75 · 11/09/2017 20:09

Can't give you an answer I'm afraid , but in almost the same situation , only difference being my kids mother abandoned them for another bloke and left them to me and hasn't bothered with them since not even birthday or Xmas cards! . Have been dating on and off for three years and have hit the same issues , have pretty much given up until all my kids have left school (2years) . Like you ,just want someone to be with ,but think I'm looking for a mother for them . Good luck !

FreshFigs · 11/09/2017 20:11

I always mention my kids as it cuts down on time wasting.

My experience is that most childless men don't want to date a women with kids already, for fear of this issue.

I've come across similar statements from both men and women. Really not sure of the best way to handle it tbh.

My biggest bugbear is that most men seem to want a woman 20 years younger and at 46 I'm considered 'old'.

Afterthestorm · 11/09/2017 20:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Barbiessharptoenails · 11/09/2017 20:16

I wouldn't be putting anything about kids in an online dating profile. You run the risk of either attracting the people who want to play daddy or mummy and are literally just attracted to you for the fact you are a parent, or attracting people who are looking for someone with a child for much more sinister reasons. It's something that should be mentioned later on.

roverman75 · 11/09/2017 20:19

@ fresh you're not old ! I'm 49 in a couple of months ,I can't see a woman 10 to 20 years younger than me wanting to be with me and my 4 teenagers ,I'm not that daft !
My plan was to find single mums of teens around my age ,but that hasn't worked out yet . Never say never though !

demirose87 · 11/09/2017 20:20

I think though, if a relationship really takes off and gets serious, you are likely to play a kind of parent role in the child's life. I had three children when I was online dating and I wasn't looking for a father figure, but I met my partner on there, became serious, he moved in and we're having a baby together. He has by default became a father figure to them as my youngest was only 7 months when we met, she doesn't remember a time without him. However, it may sound hypocritical but I don't think I would have chosen to date a man with children as I prefer to focus on my own kids. I've dated men with kids before and it just didn't work. It was hard making time to see each other with so many children involved.

blueberrypie0112 · 11/09/2017 20:23

Don't mention kids. It can be brought up later

roverman75 · 11/09/2017 20:30

I don't have a choice ,due to my daughter's health issues ,I have to be on the end of a phone 24/7 so can't really hide that.
Have wondered a lot recently if it's better to give up especially as even after 5years I still don't have a diagnosis for my daughter. She is 19 and can't work and colleges won't take her either . Sometimes I just need some company
Don't even have any live relatives ,so it gets pretty lonely.
Maybe there are nice ladies out there who aren't put off ,just haven't found one yet.

abigailgabble · 11/09/2017 20:50

gluten for punishment Grin

SuzukiLi · 11/09/2017 20:55

I think they're just being honest! I wouldn't date a man with kids and I make that obvious so as not to waste anyone's time.

roverman75 · 11/09/2017 21:01

Just a quick question to those who say they wouldn't date a man with kids , why ? Be totally honest .
Are we talking men like me, lone full time fathers , or men with kids in general?

SuzukiLi · 11/09/2017 21:13

I just don't like any other kids but mine. They irritate me and I don't want any "baby mama drama" as so often happens round here.

FreshFigs · 11/09/2017 21:18

I would date a man with kids.

I don't get why so many people on OLD have so many rules from the outset.

I've been having a bad run of it on there lately though...

Bitconfused75 · 11/09/2017 21:19

I think It's less about not wanting to be mum or dad to the kids - more about the freedom to do what you like without having to take children into consideration.
If you don't have to plan for babysitters, organise weekends away weeks in advance or taking children into consideration then it could be a big ask to meet someone who does.
OLD is tough - people discount you because you don't tick their boxes. Still debating whether to give up until my kids are older!

Original poster
1DAD2KIDS · 11/09/2017 21:26

I am tottaly cool with the idea of people not want to date someone who has the kids full time like my self. Whether they want kids of their own or none at all. That is totally their choice to case the relationship they want. That's cool, no judgement here. What makes me cringe is the thought that people would think oh He's looking for a mummy figure. That couldn't be further from what I am looking for. They are my kids, my responsibility. Just looking for some someone who wants to spend time with me. I am not after happy families, I provide that myself and It works very well. It makes me feel so horrible thinking people would think that. Now being in those shoes I guess I get the not looking for a daddy thing (although it still makes me cringe a little to read).

Plus I think putting that I have kids is important. They are a huge part of my life and as they are very young take up most of my time. I'm not into messing people about or false advertising so it's important that I am up front about my limitations. After all some single people don't want to be with someone who has kids full time for what ever reason. It is totally cool and being upfront saves wasting time.

OP posts:
Bitconfused75 · 11/09/2017 21:32

I suppose if you have kids you know that - that you aren't looking for another parent but if you don't have kids you won't get that.
I get what you mean about the limitations - It's being clear that they are your first priority and time is limited.
Being upfront does knock people off your list quite quickly - i've had men disappear as soon as I mention my children - even though i definitely don't want a dad just some adult company to talk about more than YouTubers!

meowimacat · 11/09/2017 21:42

My profile says exactly what you have been turned off by lol.

To be honest the reason for that is because I look young, and I dress quite glamorous so men think I'm young free and single. The reality is I'm a single mum of twins and have very free time for anything let alone dating. The amount of men that are not interested in me once they find out I have kids is crazy, which is why I added that part to my profile.
I'm definitely not trying to attract a dodgy man by mentioning I have kids - in fact they would not even be meeting my little ones.
But it's just easier mentioning from the outset you have kids because there's no point chatting to someone, meeting up with them, investing your precious time and then finding out they're not interested.

Also it wouldn't put me off to date a man with kids at all. But everyone is different.

roverman75 · 11/09/2017 21:47

I thought it might be a bit easier for me to find someone due to my kids ages , have 4 between 14and 19 so they are pretty independent. Doesn't seem to be the case , partly due I think with a lot of mums my age there kids may well have left home or some have grandchildren . Don't know really , will try again at somepoint

RaymondinaReddington · 11/09/2017 21:58

Loving this thread and the posters on it. May be missing the point but I now have hope that there may be normal people out there looking for partners.
(Previously dejected online dater who got fed up trying to be a performing seal for high maintenance men when I just wanted normal company for the times where I am not working / parenting/ running around in circles helping people))

Changedname3456 · 12/09/2017 01:09

Dating when you both have kids can definitely be complicated. Parenting styles vary so much and I've been in a relationship where the adult to adult interaction was fine, but she had some very strong views on raising her kids and thought I was too quick to praise mine. It wasn't the only thing that scuppered that relationship, but it was a pretty big factor.

I don't agree with everything my current DP does with her kids (and I know that applies in reverse) but we're close enough in style to live with the differences in a way I just couldn't do with that ex.

Dalphidol · 12/09/2017 01:25

I don't care if mentioning my dc puts people off, they wouldn't fit into my lifestyle then. As a parent myself I actually prefer to date other parents. Not to play happy families, mine have their own dad, but because they know how much my children are my first priority. They can fully understand the ups and downs of having kids. I've dated people without kids before and I always found myself feeling guilty that I couldn't give as much of myself to them as they would like.

HelenaDove · 12/09/2017 01:51

Its down to sexist expectations roverman. A lot more hands on childcare is expected of a stepMOTHER than a stepFATHER.

HelenaDove · 12/09/2017 01:55

im not dating btw. Im married and childfree by choice but i just thought i would mention what i did because a hell of a lot more is expected of women re. childcare than men.

Nellyphants · 12/09/2017 08:23

Maybe I'm missing the point but isn't the idea of old that you can ask for anything you like? If I only want to date dentists named Sean with red hair that's my choice? I may be really limiting my search but if that's want I want it's what I want & nothing to do with anybody else?