Affair! Is it time to inform my partner's, lover's wife?

[BigJoe]

A few years ago I discovered my partner was having an affair with a work colleague. After a lot of detective work by myself, I found out his name, wife's name, address, his wife's works address etc etc.
I confronted my partner and of course she denied it despite me divulging all the proof and information I had....evidence of texting, hidden phone numbers, seeing them after work having a drink in out of the way bars and as well as me being given a huge hint that something was going on by another one of her work colleagues.
After the confrontation, things were difficult for a couple of years but I stayed with her and eventually our relationship improved but for me, things were gone but not forgotten. I know for sure that the lovers wife was completely oblivious to what had gone on.
However, I have noticed a thing or two in our relationship now, that leads me to suspect that the affair has started again...or maybe it never even ended! This time though, she has become much more adept at covering her tracks. So at least this time I cannot be sure 100% but I have very very strong suspicions.
My question is people, is it now time to inform the lovers wife? And how and what to say.
I can do this anonymously as I know her sisters address.
They do have a teenage son who still lives at home and another two, grown up and left home.
I will deal with my own circumstances once I decide what to do, or not to do, about theirs.

I completely understand why you would want to, but I think you should concentrate on sorting yourself out first. You need to make your own decisions on what you want (and I hope for your sake that it's leaving her) before worrying about what anyone else is doing.

If the trust is gone, does it even matter whether you have proof or not? It sounds like it's time to end your marriage and I'd recommend getting legal advice rather sharpish.

Yup, force an end to his marriage then see how long she sticks around. Perfect. What could possibly go wrong?
(Irony)

No, it's never "time" to send anonymous communications revealing adultery.

You feel hurt and you want to lash back. It won't help you, it won't help the wife. Who's going to give full credence to an anonymous message anyway? It will just be creepy and upsetting for her.

Try to take a grip on yourself and focus on what you need to do for you.

Are you hoping in that telling her she can do the detective work her end and you'll find out that way?

You say your wife has got more adept now at this but I think you need to concentrate on your own relationship right now rather than trying to blow someone's else's up.

Lots of women post asking if they should tell the other cheated on partner all the time and are advised they should. I think you're getting a hard time here because of your gender.

I'm never sure of the standard advice to reveal all though tbh. I can understand the urge to but you may end up painted as the baddie. Why are you staying with a liar and cheat? She sounds awful

Decide for yourself what you want to do and whether you want to continue relationship with your partner. you don't need to think about the other party at this moment

Lots of women post asking if they should tell the other cheated on partner all the time and are advised they should. I think you're getting a hard time here because of your gender.

Are they? Even anonymously? That's never good advice IMO.

You need to decide what to do with YOUR relationship.
Theirs has nothing to do with you.
And you know what to do.
End your relationship.
Start to value yourself and stop being a doormat.

And yes... tell the wife. Do it with as much tact and evidence as you can. Be kind to her.
Then she can do what she wants with the information.

I wish someone had told me sooner. It drives you insane wondering what you are doing wrong etc....
She deserves to know.
But what happens when you tell her should have absolutely no bearing on what you do in your situation.

Who says that? I haven't ever read that on here. Sometimes people ask if they should tell a friend, and even then advice is split. I've never seen anyone tell a woman to run and tell the lovers partner. It'd be shit advice.

hellsbellsmelons seriously? He has no evidence, might not even be with this colleague, cant even be arsed confronting his own wife, but he should shit stir with someone elses partner??

And yes... tell the wife. Do it with as much tact and evidence as you can. Be kind to her.

I'm not sure how he can pull of kindness and detail when he's planning to do it anonymously via her sister's address.

@PaintingByNumbers I have read numerous threads asking just that. Where have you been? As i said, I'm not convinced it's the right thing to do though.

Asking, yes, advised to tell, nope, we must read different threads. Its shit advice. What's the point? Especially in cases where you dont even know, you just suspect.

You have, as I understand it, no proof of a current affair with this man.

It's an assumption on your part. She could be having an affair with someone entirely new. Or no one at all.

I wouldn't believe an anonymous note. Particularly with no solid proof.

Deal with your own relationship.

And Brahms I've been on MN a long time, I've never seen a thread where the majority have recommended a woman sending an anonymous note to the other spouse.

What would the point of telling her be? Do you expect her to act differently than you have? You knew and stayed and it might not even have ended, stop using the OM's wife knowing as a distraction, deal with your own cheating spouse.

I am not sure if I understand... did your wife admit to the initial affair? did she keep on working with the person in question?

and also, could you please give us an idea of the 'clues' you have found. It sounds to me like you never managed to trust your wife after the initial affair - and who could blame you. How sure are you of the more recent suspicion, on a scale of 1 to 10?

Telling the other person's wife will not help you at all at this point of the process. I don't think in this case it's the right thing to do. Although I disagree with some of the other posters that it should 'never' be said, I think that in some circumstances it should. But not in your case, not right now.

Thank you all for your advice, opinions etc.
Little time to text st the mo but I will be back with more information that you will find interesting.
Back later.

No I won't find it interesting.
Stop trying to cliffhanger us. It's transparent.

@BenLui I neither said the majority advised it or I agreed with it. Plenty of pp are advised to reveal all to the other spouse when asking this question, but you seem to be focussed entirely on the anonymity, which is a minor detail in the scheme of things.

I repeat to all those struggling to read my post clearly, i personally do not advise revealing it at all.

All the previous posts are correct.

Sort out your relationship first, establish the facts of what is or isn't going on and then decide what to do based on those. Do this with your wife and use a third party such as Relate if necessary.

Once you've worked out what's what decide on whether you want to try and fix things of if you want to get out.

Telling his wife won't fix anything and will only make you feel better in the short term.

I

That we will find interesting? We are not a jury panel!

I would tell her. You have told her the first time

I would absolutely tell her, But really I would have told her when I found out myself, People have a right to know if their partner is cheating on them not just because its morally wrong but because a partner cheating on you is putting you at risk of STDs its dirty.

I would inform.
If you don't, then the other man really is having his cake and eating it.
He has a nice 'living in ignorance' wife at home, pandering to his every needs and an OW on this side.
He has everything. The best of both worlds.
If you inform, then his nice cosy little world implodes.
Plus it will flush everything out into the open.

Another thing to consider is that you will be doing his wife a favour.
How horrible for her to be married to a cheat and not even now it.
At least if she's informed, it leaves her free to find a partner who won't cheat on her and will be fully comitted to her and her son.

If you do inform, be prepared for the OH's wife to hate you (shoot the messenger and all that) but that's not your concern.

You will get loads saying you shouldn't and 'think of their son'.
But the way I look at it. The son is already losing out. When a man has an affair, all his head space, free time and money goes on the affair.

The children lose out.

I rarely find other people's misfortunes interesting. Sad mainly.
I wouldn't contact your wife's lovers wife, I really wouldn't. She won't thank you for it and it will just bring even more drama into your life. If the relationship has run its course it's time to cut your losses and separate. I feel sad for you writing that.