Affair! Is it time to inform my partner's, lover's wife?

[BigJoe]

A few years ago I discovered my partner was having an affair with a work colleague. After a lot of detective work by myself, I found out his name, wife's name, address, his wife's works address etc etc.
I confronted my partner and of course she denied it despite me divulging all the proof and information I had....evidence of texting, hidden phone numbers, seeing them after work having a drink in out of the way bars and as well as me being given a huge hint that something was going on by another one of her work colleagues.
After the confrontation, things were difficult for a couple of years but I stayed with her and eventually our relationship improved but for me, things were gone but not forgotten. I know for sure that the lovers wife was completely oblivious to what had gone on.
However, I have noticed a thing or two in our relationship now, that leads me to suspect that the affair has started again...or maybe it never even ended! This time though, she has become much more adept at covering her tracks. So at least this time I cannot be sure 100% but I have very very strong suspicions.
My question is people, is it now time to inform the lovers wife? And how and what to say.
I can do this anonymously as I know her sisters address.
They do have a teenage son who still lives at home and another two, grown up and left home.
I will deal with my own circumstances once I decide what to do, or not to do, about theirs.

I don't believe that anonymity is a minor detail Brahms. If someone turned up at my door to give me that news and had specific proof, I'd take it seriously.

An anonymous note? I'd bin it and dismiss as someone nasty trying to mess us up.

Joe talk to your own wife about your concerns and suspicions. Get your own house in order before you consider knocking someone else's house down.

OM's wife to hate you.

You need to make sure you have 100% proof first, before doing (or not doing) anything.

Joe talk to your own wife about your concerns and suspicions. Get your own house in order before you consider knocking someone else's house down.

This.

Also, why do you stay with someone who cheats on you, on what sounds like a regular basis?
Surely you're worth more than that?

I would be concentrating on leaving her to be honest, as you don't trust her (nor do you have reason to). I think it's terrible that she has just denied the affair and carried on as normal. She is treating you terribly.

What do you want to gain from telling the wife? Do you think it will end the affair for good or push them together permanently?

I wouldn't go all guns blazing and tell her without proof. You made a decision not to tell her last time so I wouldn't go without a body of proof this time. Please get some respect for yourself and move on if she is doing it again.

I wouldn't inform the wife, it's not really your place.

Concentrate on your own relationship and confronting your own partner, you can gain nothing by telling the man's wife.

I understand the desire to upset his homelife since he's hurt yours so much, but telling his wife isn't the way forward.

I will deal with my own circumstances once I decide what to do, or not to do, about theirs.

No. Your circumstances are yours to deal with. Theirs are not. Don't prioritise chucking a bomb into someone else's marriage and life over dealing with your own situation.

I think you should examine your own motivations very carefully about telling his wife. I was given information about my h by a third party and they did it purely in order to pursue a grudge against my h and his affair partner (not his wife), I wasn't even a real person in their thinking. I object to being a piece in someone's game. You may have better intentions but in that case I don't see why you would communicate anonymously.

@BigJoe

I think she should be aware.

I've sent you a PM.

Affairs thrive in secrecy and once you expose it, It's not so exciting.

If it's still going on, he'll dump your wife and throw her under the bus.

I'm really surprised the amount of people saying you shouldn't tell, Would you yourselves not want to know if your partner had cheated on you?

I'd find out for sure if she was having an affair again or not - but sounds as though there's no trust there any more regardless.

You should consider leaving her anyway - that way you won't even need to tell the other wife - your own (ex)wife will do that for you...

Tbh, this time round it's just suspicions you've got. Perhaps you're just paranoid because you don't trust her and resent the affair?

Even if she is cheating, how do you know it's with the same guy? If you are unhappy and can't trust her any more, then I'd rethink staying together. You could tell the lover's spouse if you've got certainly. Otherwise, it's better to keep quiet as it'd be very upsetting and you don't know for certain that there is any cheating going on.

Mama234 - not by anonymous message by someone who just wanted to payback my husband, no. I would appreciate someone putting pressure on my husband to tell me himself, though. Or, if that failed or was not possible, a tactful, factual message from someone who had the strength of conviction to name themselves.

The message I got revelled in the situation. The person concerned clearly hated my husband (he was not the OW's husband though). He wasn't at all concerned about me or the kids, or about me knowing the truth for my own sake. The wording of his message and his choice of evidence added unnecessary pain to an already horrible situation.

Hard to be sure from OP's message but it doesn't sound like he's motivated by compassion for the OM's wife.

Yes tell his wife. I wouldn't do it anonymously though. I'd do it in person so that any questions she has can be raised. If she screams that she never wanted to know, well just back off. She can carry on pretending it never happened, that's up to her.

However I would always, always want to know. My Ex, before our relationship, had an affair with a married woman. He didn't know, she covered it up, but when she did he ended it but went back for a few months. For a long time said woman was in our social circle, and I found it sickening that she would often blurt out her affair when drunk so that a wider and wider circle of people knew. But not her husband. She divorced him but he'll never know why, and perhaps totally blame himself.

I always wanted to tell him. I felt awful knowing and him not knowing. It is the ultimate betrayal. And if there are kids? Absolutely yes, why the hell would a child want his mother to be unknowingly betrayed by their father? What kind of twisted dynamic is that.

However you also need to find a good place yourself. You are probably beyond angry. Don't get back at her with your anger. Just leave and count the days until the anger subsides. It's volatile to be so angry.

Mamma not by anonymous message. The other reason I'm saying no is this:

If it's still going on, he'll dump your wife and throw her under the bus.

^^ I think this is the reason Joe wants to send an anonymous message. So that the other party does the confronting and that Joe doesn't have to face up with dealing with his wife.

If you're sure they're back together then I think his wife deserves to know. It's only fair. But I would tell her openly and as kindly as possible. Not anonymously, you have no reason to hide. You've not done anything wrong.

Doing it anonymously is a cowardly shitty thing to do.

If you're going to tell them, do it openly and give them the opportunity to be able to get in touch with you to answer any questions and provide them with proof if they need it.

No, you decide what to do about your own circumstances FIRST.

Don't use the other innocent party to force the issue for you. That is very cruel.

However hurt you feel, it is wrong to bring someone else in to share your misery or with the hope of she might punish the man your wife might be having an affair with. An anonymous note is cowardly as well. I think if you are honest with yourself you will admit that you aren't doing it for the wife's benefit and therefore should keep quiet.

Also, it would also be very cruel to reveal the possible adultery to the sister if you thought about doing that.

I'm sorry this has happened to you, but you need to confront your wife and resolve this issue without involving any other person.

You have to do that anyway so don't choose to shit on anyone else at the same time.

I'm not sure anyone is going to enjoy your 'update' later on.

Or they could both just decide, fuck it, and leave their respective spouses
Or the wife could decide to ignore it, just like op has done
But yes, I think that is ops motivation. I wouldnt want to be told unless the person had my best interests at heart. In this situ, i'd rather not be told. Especially as op has no proof.

Tell the wife. Pass on any evidence you have. It's the right thing to do.

My ex admitted his affair to me but the work colleague continued to lie to her partner. I finally rang her partner, after finding her home number on ex H's phone and he just got angry and wouldn't believe me despite me giving him lots of details.
Obviously, ex and I split up and we sold up and both moved to different parts of the country but I don't think the work colleague split up. I can only guess that her husband decided to accept her infidelity.

What would the point of telling her be?
In this case it might be for the wrong reasons.
However, she does deserve to know she's with a lying cheating scumbag.
I've been on the receiving end and it's horrible being the last to know.
I would be thankful to anyone for telling me.
I deserved to know.
Their behaviour changes.
You don't know why.
Is it you?
What can YOU do to fix it?
Etc..... it really does drive you insane.

I don't really have much sympathy for you, sorry. You are acting very passively aggressively here. You CHOSE to stay with your partner after your initial suspicions. That was your choice and it was valid, but take ownership of it. Now you suspect the affair is continuing. But yet again, rather than confronting head on, you're snooping for more evidence and fantasising about blowing the innocent wife's world apart -anonymously of course, in line with your previous avoidant strategies - hoping it will stop RATHER than risk losing your wife.

You want to tell because you're hurt and frustrated. But the frustration should be with yourself. Don't take it out on other people. Either accept the situation or end it. You patently cannot trust her and deserve better.

I was given information about my h by a third party and they did it purely in order to pursue a grudge against my h and his affair partner (not his wife), I wasn't even a real person in their thinking. I object to being a piece in someone's game. You may have better intentions but in that case I don't see why you would communicate anonymously.

Even if the person told me my husband was cheating on me because they bore a grudge, I would still rather know.
What's to be gained by not knowing?

Is it any wonder the wives are usually the last to know?
People want to inform them and then get told they shouldn't

I'm really surprised the amount of people saying you shouldn't tell, Would you yourselves not want to know if your partner had cheated on you?

Its still the 1950s.
What the little woman doesn't know won't hurt her.
and let him cheat - think what it'll do to the children! if they split up'