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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Horrible SIL

70 replies

Diamondangel8 · 06/09/2017 22:01

My SIL has been horrible for years. Caused massive drama over her wedding, wouldn't attend my sons christening because she didn't like the date and wouldn't allow my brother to be god father to my son. She has been overly dramatic for years and caused so much stress. It ended up with me not talking to my brother for 2 years because I couldn't take the stress of her dramas anymore. We have never done anything horrible to her. If anything bending over backwards for her for years. My mum let them live with her for years rent free and they show nothing but disrespect towards her and my dad. She likes getting attention by claiming to be picked on and being a victim. Anyway she is pregnant now and we have done everything not to upset her as she is easily upset, My mum organized a lovely meal and paid for her as a baby shower treat and invited a few female members of the family. She has now demanded that my brother be present at all times and will not spend the couple of hours with us on her own. My mum offered to collect her and drop her off but she is insisting brother be there. She is too ill apparently to not be with him but was just on a hen do a month ago and other nights out. It just feels like another slap in the face. I don't want to go to this baby shower now but mum is begging me to go as she doesn't want her to cause another drama. How to deal with this???? She is the biggest a**hole I have ever known.

OP posts:
Original poster
Diamondangel8 · 06/09/2017 22:13

anyone?

OP posts:
SonicBoomBoom · 06/09/2017 22:15

What's the problem with her having your brother there?

Fishface77 · 06/09/2017 22:15

Take control back.
If she doesn't want to be there ok that's her choice.
She's not responsible for your brother so the fact that he's not godfather is his fault as much as hers.

MadMags · 06/09/2017 22:16

Do you think there's a slight possibility that she knows you all hate her? Hmm

Fishface77 · 06/09/2017 22:16

*there without your brother.

LuluBellaBlue · 06/09/2017 22:16

Hugs to you. Didn't want to run and leave.
Maybe try smiling sweetly and being super nice, secretly laughing at her crazy behaviour?!
(I should try doing this rather than speaking my mind and landing myself in trouble!)

Mustardnowletsnotbesilly · 06/09/2017 22:18

May she knows your family don't like her and needs her dh there for support.

SoftKittySillyKitty · 06/09/2017 22:50

I'm sure there's much more to it but actually I can understand why she wouldn't want to be in her own with a group of people who hate her.

AcrossthePond55 · 06/09/2017 22:58

Well, traditionally baby showers are for female friends/relatives of the mother-to-be (in the US). But lately it seems to be becoming a mix of male/female attendees.

Why do you think she wants him there?

Aquamarine1029 · 06/09/2017 23:19

You REALLY need to take control back. If you want nothing to do with her Then don't have anything to do with her. Ignore the guilt trip from your mother and move on with your own life.

SandyY2K · 06/09/2017 23:43

I'm sorry but your brother chose not to be godfather and that's on him. There's not a cat in hell chance my husband could do anything to prevent me being a godmother to my niece or nephew. If he tried It we'd be divorced.

It's hard to accept when your own relative is enabling this behaviour.

She behaves this way because your brother lets her get away with it.

I don't usually say this...but he needs to find his balls.

MrsBertBibby · 07/09/2017 07:43

Are you quite sure it's not you who is the dramatic one? Surely a grown woman can cope with a social engagement involving someone they're not fond of for an hour or so without all these ??? and how will I cope?s. She only wants your brother there. Is he so dreadful that that is incomprehensible to you?

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 07/09/2017 07:48

She's pregnant, the baby shower is for her, if she wants her Dh to be there, I really don't see the problem.

Original poster
Diamondangel8 · 07/09/2017 08:49

Honestly the woman has been vile over the years and had everyone in tears plus my brother with all her dramas. She is so vindictive its unreal. My mum was trying to do something nice by arranging a ladies get together and we have some aunts coming from across the country. We have never been nasty to her. My brother had to go out of the house to phone us to say its none of our business why he is coming (even though we had arranged it) and he will be present. I think I'm just saying it feels like a slap in the face that she cant sit there for two hours for a meal with our family. We have paid for her and bought nice presents and it just feels like we are mugs and to threaten us with the christening saying we need to behave ourselves is so uncalled for.

OP posts:
Original poster
Diamondangel8 · 07/09/2017 08:51

I have wondered if she is abusive for years. I couldn't go on her hen do years ago because I simply asked what time we were leaving. It was two days beforehand and I needed childcare as I was working. She said I wouldn't be told until the day and I said I needed to know as I needed to arrange childcare. I had abusive messages from her and her calling me at work and her friends. Refusing to tell me so in the end I said I wasn't going. She then phoned saying she had tried to kill herself because I wasn't going. It really has been hell with her over the years but my brother always backs her up even when she is completely unreasonable.

OP posts:
Yoksha · 07/09/2017 09:00

Life is too short for this shit. You'd be better distancing yourself and getting some healthy perspective. You've contributed altruistically to this set of family dynamics. For what you see to be the best motives. Don't feed into your mum's efforts to keep trying to mend this. You all need to take a deep breath, a huge step back and allow the cards to fall where they fall.

Too much energy has gone into pleasing one person. You all need a break.

Not being nasty OP, but I was exhausted reading how much effort you as a family have invested, and your not moving forward at all.

BIWI · 07/09/2017 09:02

Just ignore her from now on. The more you try to ingratiate yourselves with her, the more power she has.

MadMags · 07/09/2017 09:17

I think I'm just saying it feels like a slap in the face that she cant sit there for two hours for a meal with our family

But you all hate her, and there's no way she doesn't know that!

You shouldn't have done it in the first place. It's so insincere and will no doubt cause even more drama.

She sounds very troubled. And making her sit at some fake party with people who think she's vile doesn't sound like a great idea.

Original poster
Diamondangel8 · 07/09/2017 09:21

The thing is my mum is so lovely. She was trying to do something nice for her because she is at the end of the day a member of our family and she wants to make her feel included plus its nice for my brother too. I just said to my family and they have agreed now no more effort will be put in trying to arrange or include her in anything. She clearly doesn't want anything to do with us. AIBU saying I don't want to go?

OP posts:
IMissGin · 07/09/2017 09:23

There is no way she doesn't know you all hate her. Cancel the dinner, it's fake, you know it, she knows it. I'm not surprised she wants him there. She probably feels totally cornered.

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/09/2017 09:26

SIL said she had tried to kill herself because the OP couldnt make arrangements to go on her hen because the SIL refused to tell her and the OP is the one in the wrong?

Jeez, this place sometimes Hmm

OP, distance yourself. Your mum is probably doing all this because she knows that one imagined slight will have her cut off from your brother and her new grandchild. You however, do not have to play along. Let them get on with it.

Original poster
Diamondangel8 · 07/09/2017 09:30

PyongyangKipperbang Exactly! what you said. We are not trying to corner her. We have paid for an afternoon tea and we are not horrible people. She is the one who is horrible. We have never said anything because like you say my mum knows any imagined slight and my brother is completely cut off. She has already been "picked on " by all his friends and now trying to isolate him from family. Like I say we will never arrange anything again. We are not bad people, we are a nice family.

OP posts:
KarateKitten · 07/09/2017 09:33

I think you and your mum sound lovely. Some people just have their own issues. If you can keep some relationship with her then it will be a good thing for your DB and DN when they arrive. If she really is intolerable then step back, don't bother with her and just try your best to not bad mouth her or ostracise her intentionally.

High road all the way.

rosabug · 07/09/2017 09:40

stop being part of the drama. Who gives a shit.

MatildaTheCat · 07/09/2017 09:42

The hen do story is bizarre but demonstrates that she has some major issues. The fact that she's agreed to come to the meal, albeit with your brother does sound as if she's at least making some effort. She could have point blanked refused.

Since your mum is trying to build some bridges and she's willing to come why is having your brother there such a massive deal. Welcome them both and show an interest in their baby and maybe things will improve a bit. If you insist on no brother she won't come and none of you will be seeing much of the baby, I can guarantee.

She may be super difficult but meet her halfway. A friend's daughter was forced into a similar tea party recently and felt incredibly bullied by it.