Horrible SIL

[Diamondangel8]

My SIL has been horrible for years. Caused massive drama over her wedding, wouldn't attend my sons christening because she didn't like the date and wouldn't allow my brother to be god father to my son. She has been overly dramatic for years and caused so much stress. It ended up with me not talking to my brother for 2 years because I couldn't take the stress of her dramas anymore. We have never done anything horrible to her. If anything bending over backwards for her for years. My mum let them live with her for years rent free and they show nothing but disrespect towards her and my dad. She likes getting attention by claiming to be picked on and being a victim. Anyway she is pregnant now and we have done everything not to upset her as she is easily upset, My mum organized a lovely meal and paid for her as a baby shower treat and invited a few female members of the family. She has now demanded that my brother be present at all times and will not spend the couple of hours with us on her own. My mum offered to collect her and drop her off but she is insisting brother be there. She is too ill apparently to not be with him but was just on a hen do a month ago and other nights out. It just feels like another slap in the face. I don't want to go to this baby shower now but mum is begging me to go as she doesn't want her to cause another drama. How to deal with this???? She is the biggest a**hole I have ever known.

Are any of her friends invited to the baby shower in her honour or just our family members? If just your family members then it is hardly "for her". A shower should be for the important females in her life.

You say she caused a drama over her wedding (what bride doesn't?)

I am fairly certain she does know that you all dislike her and if her friends are not included why would she want to go somewhere for two hours with people she knows don't like her and that is why she wants her husband there.

Do you know why your brother takes her side? It is because he is her HUSBAND and he loves her. It is possible that he too can see that there is ill feeling from his family towards the woman he loves and therefore he supports her. He possibly had to come out of the house to call you to say he was coming because he can tell you frankly without upsetting her more especially if his line at home is that she is wrong, they do like you etc.

Holding a baby shower for someone is not a nice gesture if that person does not want one or is only going to be surrounded by people who make her feel uncomfortable.

What, if anything, do you know about your SIL in terms of her own childhood and family background?. That often gives clues and SIL anyway is disordered of thinking. Its not your fault she is like this, you did not make her that way. Its not a case of you all hating her, she hates her own self and you people for being nice. Some people really do see nice as a weakness to be further exploited.

Your brother is key here; what is his opinion about his wife and her behaviours towards you all?. What does he get out of this relationship with his wife?. I would think that SILs soon to be born child will also be used by her as a further control method to get her own way. She will cut herself off from you all for her own reasons and those have nothing to do with you. She would have acted the same regardless of whom she married.

Your family is emotionally healthy but you cannot ever deal effectively with someone as disordered as your SIL. What your family of origin have done by trying to ingratiate yourselves with her has simply given her more power over you all.

What is going to happen with this gathering that has been planned by your mother, will it now be cancelled?.

Why do you think your SIL is the ways she is; have you given that a lot of thought?.

The warning signs re her I think were there prior to them marrying as well. Not all brides by any means cause such dramas at their own wedding or even after marriage threaten to kill themselves because a person cannot make their hen do. Emotionally healthy people do not behave as your SIL has done. It sounds like she is a child in an adults body with the emotional age of a 6 year old. Is this her wanting to make everything all about her with you people being bit part players with her at the centre of her own universe?.

I doubt very much that your SIL actually has any friends and not many acquaintances either; there is good reason for that and such people can and do drive others away.

Honestly there was no malicious intent whatsoever from our end. My mum was trying to do something nice for her and treating her to a meal. She has no friends apart from a very rough best friend who has been extremely disrespectful towards the family and none of our family want anything to do with her. She has not had the best upbringing and always falling out with family members and doesn't have anything positive to say about anyone even her "best friend". She is just a sourpuss who has to sh*t on absolutely everything and any time someone tries to be nice she has to take offence to absolutely everything. We are all going to this babyshower. I'll be fake but I am totally walking away from her drama now. I simply asked my brother why he needed to be present at a ladies function and to say I was causing stress and a possible miscarriage is completely uncalled for. She agreed a month ago to a ladies function so why the issue now?

Let me give you an example of how this woman treated our family. On her wedding day she had a load of cards at the top table. She read them all out from family and friends. She never read any of our cards out. She tries to stick the knife in every opportunity she gets. She is such a nasty person. Like I say I don't even want to go to this babyshower now. She is a total destroyer. We are a nice family and it was only supposed to be a nice meal. Maybe we should just stick our presents in the post if we are being so unreasonable and send her the cash we paid for her meal.

Diamondangel8

re your comment:-
"She has no friends apart from a very rough best friend who has been extremely disrespectful towards the family and none of our family want anything to do with her. She has not had the best upbringing and always falling out with family members and doesn't have anything positive to say about anyone even her "best friend".

Am I surprised to read any of this, no not a bit. She may well do the idealise, devalue, discard cycle with people. There are more red flags about your SIL than a shedload of bunting. Why your brother ever got involved with her at all is anyone's guess really; I guess she behaved better prior to marriage and he enabled her too. Such people like your disordered of thinking SIL really do have no friends and family background often provides clues as well. There are good reasons why these people do not have friends, SIL also does not want them.

I would not attend this baby shower, she does not want it and she will likely kick off at some imagined slight against her there too.

I am not saying your perspective isn't true but I have been the SIL in this scenario and found posts on another parenting forum about 6 years ago that my (now thankfully ex) SIL had absolutely slated me on. I was really hurt because they although most of the scenarios were true there was big chunks of the story missing making me look like a complete bitch and her and her batshit family look like angels which was so far from the truth it is laughable they are pretty awful.

What I'm saying is that you may believe that you are a lovely bunch of people but every family has it's own disfunction and quirks mine are equally as batshit at times and I try to remember this when I get wound up by my in-laws. She may be a bitch I don't know but she clearly has issues about something and you clearly all really dislike her so I can see why she would want her dh there for moral support with a deluge of your family who don't think very much of her.

The more you post, the more batshit you all sound!

You're walking away from the drama...but you're causing some of the drama!

So what if she didn't read your bloody cards out.

If she's that awful, and she agreed to come, then that says something, no?

Either way it's a bad idea. You couldn't pay me to sit in a room full of women who hate me that much.

As I said, it sounds like she has a lot of issues. So let her do her thing and you do yours. It is 100% up to your brother to insure your mum has a relationship with her grandchild.

"So what if she didn't read your bloody cards out".

But its still nasty isn't it; those were from her now H;'s side of the family. Its rude at the very least, it would have been noticed by other people and it should not be tolerated. This was as well never about cards being read or not read out, her actions were another way of showing how much power and control she has.

The saying "you cant argue with stupid" certainly applies. We have only ever tolerated her and tried to be nice for my brothers sake. She is abusive and cut him off from friends and been trying to do it with family. If we hadn't arranged anything we would have been shot down. They are just negative people. It's ok we know now not to bother doing anything at all.

Sometimes you just have to walk away.

Go to the shower since it's already a done deal. But resolve that from then on you will remain uninvolved. Let your mum know your decision and that while she is free to break her heart over SiL, you are done. You will be at the 'usual' family events like Xmas etc (if you want that is), but that you will no longer attend events 'aimed' at SiL or your brother. Nor will you have her drama brought into your house.

Someone like your SiL married my DH's once best friend. We tried for 5 years to get along with her. We bore insults, tantrums, demands and lies from her as one by one she removed the people who loved him from his life. Finally we gave up and walked away. DH still misses his friend but sometimes you just have to let go.

OP you really do sound like the most unbearable snob.

Nice people don't go around commenting scathingly about other people's upbringing.

If I was invited to a do with only my DH's family women, and none of my family or friends, and I knew they didn't like me, no way would I want to go on my own without DH. You're looking for the negative in everything she does. You intensely dislike her, you don't have a single nice thing to say about her, why would she put herself in that position?

Agree you do sound like an unbearable snob. A 'rough' best friend & 'not a great unbringing'.

'Disrespecting' your family, jeez it sounds like the mafia!

So you've had all these 'problems' with her, you obviously dislike her & moan about & yet sort out this arrangement? & then moan about her understandably not wanting to go. Very passive aggressive don't you think?

It certainly sounds like a classically abusive situation.

Try reversing the genders.

A man systematically culls all of his wife's friends as he doesnt approve of them, and tries to cut her off from her family by creating a fuss whenever there is an event. Threatens suicide when something doesnt go his way and lies and manipulates situations to make it impossible for her to have any meaningful relationship with anyone except him.

Everyone would be advising that the OP tell the woman to call WA and LTB. But because its a woman doing the abusing, the OP is a snob and her family are pushy nightmares......double standards are alive and well and living on Mumsnet.

Men get abused too.

Oh nonsense. The OP makes it clear she and her "nice" family have been sneering at this woman behind her back from day one. Not nicely brought up enough for their precious boy (who apparently gets a free pass for treating his lovely mamma badly whilst the interloper is castigated).

Exactly PyongyangKipperbang couldn't agree more. She is an abuser. She's slapped him though I suppose that's ok to because its a woman hitting a man! If it were the other way round it would be LTB.

In a rush but just wanted to send my sympathy because I have a very similar SIL and it is exhausting (and very upsetting at times).

My SIL is exactly the same! I feel for you! There's nothing you can do but step back. I just ignore my SILs crazy behaviour and not feed into it. She wants you to kick off so she can cut you off. The best thing to do is play along and let your brother come.

Absolutely agree with chocolatebutton. My SIL def wants an excuse to cut us off. We also just smile and nod. It is painful. I have a niece, DD of SIL and I'm afraid it got even harder then. Esp for my mother. It is really hard.

This thread is also quite helpful.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2532035-Batshit-crazy-SIL-and-my-poor-mother

But this is so unnecessary!

I'm not saying SIL sounds even remotely nice.

But it's fairly obvious that none of them like each other. So why on earth would one side organise this sure to be painful event, and why would SIL want to walk into that lion's den??

We paid for an afternoon tea and we just wanted to give her some presents. We have always been pleasant to her. She is the one who has been nasty. We didn't think it would be such torture to sit with us for a couple of hours. Don't worry nothing will be arranged again. I also sympathise to you all with horrible SILs .

Wow kitty tom your sil sounds exactly like mine! Unbelievable. I really do sympathise. My SIL is the same and always saying to my brother how I am the favoured one and my mums favourite and always slagging my mum off when she bends over backwards for them. She has had the whole family in tears with her antics too and caused so much upset its unbelievable. My mum told me that my SIL told her when she was living with her that her mum was cold and never hugged her and told her she loved her. I suppose that's some sort of explanation but we have been down the route of killing her with kindness and her behavior has got worse and worse. Its coming to the point where I want nothing to do with them whatsoever . My mum treads on eggshells too as she is so scared of being cut off from her son and grandchild. It is so sad. She is just such a horrible person. Already dramatizing about a christening that has not even taken place and saying she has post natal depression when she hasn't had the baby yet.

Ante partum depression is pretty common

www.pnmag.com/pregnancy/pre-baby-blues-3/

MrsBertbibby how do you explain her irrational behavior before she was pregnant??? Suppose its all our fault for trying to be nice.

It is hard to understand unless you have a SIL like this. My mum does the same, walking on eggshells. Your baby shower was an attempt to be nice. I stupidly did the same this year over something. Loads of upset. None of us can do anything. Also accuses DM of 'favourites'. Yet she actively prevents DPs from seeing my DB. It is very sad.

I looked up paranoid personality disorder last time there was highly stressful upset and that was interesting. It didn't offer any solutions though!