Horrible SIL

[Diamondangel8]

My SIL has been horrible for years. Caused massive drama over her wedding, wouldn't attend my sons christening because she didn't like the date and wouldn't allow my brother to be god father to my son. She has been overly dramatic for years and caused so much stress. It ended up with me not talking to my brother for 2 years because I couldn't take the stress of her dramas anymore. We have never done anything horrible to her. If anything bending over backwards for her for years. My mum let them live with her for years rent free and they show nothing but disrespect towards her and my dad. She likes getting attention by claiming to be picked on and being a victim. Anyway she is pregnant now and we have done everything not to upset her as she is easily upset, My mum organized a lovely meal and paid for her as a baby shower treat and invited a few female members of the family. She has now demanded that my brother be present at all times and will not spend the couple of hours with us on her own. My mum offered to collect her and drop her off but she is insisting brother be there. She is too ill apparently to not be with him but was just on a hen do a month ago and other nights out. It just feels like another slap in the face. I don't want to go to this baby shower now but mum is begging me to go as she doesn't want her to cause another drama. How to deal with this???? She is the biggest a**hole I have ever known.

But you weren't being nice, were you? You were tolerating her and sneering at her background and hating on her best friend.

I know you think she's thick, you have told us that, but I doubt she is too stupid to notice all that.

I get that you think you are lovely people but that's clearly not her experience of you and your family, and seeing how unremittingly negative you are about her I'm not surprised.

Maybe she is difficult as you say. Maybe she just knows where she's not wanted. Maybe she has real struggles with her mental health which you just dismiss as drama and attention seeking because you dislike her.

Do you really think you have been kind to her? Do you think your brother thinks you have been kind? He clearly feels she needs his protection around you lot.

Yes we have been kind to her. My mum allowed her to live rent free at her house when we all paid board so she could continue with her studies. When she had nowhere to go when her family moved abroad she moved in with a friend. The friends mum kicked her out after a few months for appalling behavior. My mum then kindly allowed her to move in with us where she was extremely rude to the family.. My family have always been kind to her and tried to ignore her dramas to not give her a reaction as she is very attention seeking. When she moved out my mum would text her to ask how she is and she would blank the texts. She would invite her on days out and she would always decline. She demands money off my mum and claims me and my sibling get special treatment. She has invented drama after drama and we have never said anything as we know the plan is to cut my brother off completely. She is extremely controlling. My family saw it when she lived with them for years. You can defend her all you like but hand on heart it was supposed to be a nice gesture. Maybe she doesn't even like herself cos lets face it she's been an absolute b*tch to everyone. Like I said, I'll be walking away. Ive told my mum I cant do this anymore.

For the third time: she sounds like she has issues.

None of you are under any obligation to deal with someone who is mentally unwell!

I didn't ask if your mum had been kind, I asked about you.

I'm not defending her, I've never even met her. But I do think you might do well to look at your own attitude to her, and how you might have seemed to her.

My SIL and me fell out early on in my relationship with her brother. We are married now, just had our first baby and so excited for the future! But I can really understand how a broken relationship with an inlaw can cause hurt and upset.

I'm kind of both sides of your story... out of the two of us I'm the dramatic one! But I never cause any distress; in fact, no one apart from my DH knows we don't get on! She came to my hen, our wedding and will be invited to the Christening. But, my God, it really does make things awkward! She will have to come visit the baby when we get home and I really just don't want to see her when I'm exhausted and trying to feed!!

It is well managed because we are both adults about it; we had a huge row over something, I will naturally always assume I was right and, understandably, so will she! It was a wound that just never healed and now we just avoid each other or are civil. But sometimes it is just not possible to avoid, I understand that.

It sounds to me like a wound that won't heal and it will hurt you both to force it. The most pressure it put on us was as a couple... my DH is close to my SIL so he often feels compromised which I understand, and I do try terribly hard not to scream "take my side!!!" at him sometimes because I know he can't. I bet you feel the same with your brother...

Family dramas are a given I'm afraid. She is who she is. I feel sad for her because she sounds troubled and that must be hard. I feel sad for you and your concern for your brother and mum. But some things are out of our hands... I hope all works out for the best and you get to spend time with the baby!

If she is awkward about visits... try your absolute hardest to understand pregnancy and birth do crazy things to a woman! Give her space and don't push to visit too soon... I know for me that would make me feel really pressured and want to limit access even more out of avoiding stress for myself. Even though I don't think it's right to restrict access out of spite... see what I mean, I'm on both sides!?!?

Hope for the best outcome for you xxx

Well said MadMags

She sounds bat shit crazy 🙈
How did she stop your brother being god father??!!!

I agree with MrsBert.

I don't think this is as one-sided as you are implying here.

She's obviously very pregnant if you're having a baby shower for her. I would want my DH with me if I was very pregnant and having a day with his family (who all dislike me). I don't know why you've picked this one very reasonable request to throw your toys out of the pram about. You keep telling us "you've paid for her" and therefore she owes you, to come alone, but I really don't see what your issue is with her DH being with her.

I think you have popped caked the wrong battle here. This isn't the awful behaviour you think it is. She's very pregnant, apparently has MH issues, and you all hate her. Yet you seem determined to make her as uncomfortable as possible.

Popped cake?

Picked**

Not sure why everyone keeps saying the OPs family all 'hate' SIL. The DM is 'lovely and was trying to do something nice as she is after all family'. What is insincere about that? The OP is probably not a fan because of the way she treats her DPs. Who can blame her? She has nonetheless got involved in a nice thing for her DM's sake. The DM is trying to show SIL she cares. The SIL has found a way to to control the plans and if people object, she will throw a hissy and not come meaning DM will once again be heartbroken hence OP's distress at something that might seem arbitrary to some.

MrsBert

I am assuming that you missed or ignored the part where her friends family chucked her out for her behaviour? That she has no friends apart from one? That she assautled her husband? I wonder if her own family was really so awful or whether they were just utterly sick of her crap too. She treats people like shit and then plays the victim.

Seems to me that there is a common denominator in all of these fall outs, and it aint the OP.

Thank you PyongyangKipperbang and kittytom. We don't all hate her and trying to corner her and not trying to make her feel uncomfortable like everyone is saying. We have always maintained a friendly relationship with her despite all the problems she has created. She probably knows that because of the way she has treated us which was bullying is downright out of order. She falls out with her family all the time and doesn't have a good word to say about anybody. I've never been rude to her and always taken the high road. Even when she phoned my work and got her friends to phone my work threatening me. My family and I have always taken the approach of taking the high road. I'm sure though from what you are all saying that we have all brought this on ourselves and completely deserve to be treated like sht. We have been a*holes arranging an afternoon tea for her and getting her presents was completely out of order. I really do apologise we have been way out of line!

You're allowed type shit and arsehole.

It sounds very her -v- every single other person in your family.

I think it would be best for everyone if you just keep a distance as much as you can.

Your SIL sounds like a nightmare, but because your brother accepts it, you can't do much else.

As it happens my DB is godfather to one of my DCs....I would squarely blame him and not his DW if he refused....but he would not be manipulated like that.

As much as you blame her, your DB is part of the problem. A big part.
You want to put all the blame at her feet, which isn't surprising in these type of situations.

Is your DB a quiet non assertive type of person?

I'm sure though from what you are all saying that we have all brought this on ourselves and completely deserve to be treated like sht. We have been a*holes arranging an afternoon tea for her and getting her presents was completely out of order. I really do apologise we have been way out of line!

Again with the drama!

Does it really not strike you as possible for you to just rub along in low key discomfort? Not everyone has to pick between massive family intertwinedness and hating each other and never speaking again.

She sounds batshit and abusive but I still don't understand why you'd be upset about your db coming to the baby shower. I would have thought you'd want to see him.

She sounds awful but you really don't have to put up with it. Tell your parents your done with the drama. Go to the baby shower and then just walk away from it. Don't engage with your DB and SIL other than polite pleasantries, don't talk about them to your parents. I had to do this after 20 years of nonsense with DH's family. If someone is attention seeking and narcissistic and difficult in a family it infects everyone. Parents fall over themselves not to offend and end up feeding the drama. But you have a choice not to be part of it even if it is family. SIL won't change but you can change how you deal with her.

Im sorry but you actually sound like the horrible one coming on mumsnet to slate her, not exactly ‘lovely and perfect’? Have any of her female friends/family been invited? Or just alot of your ‘tribe’ making her feel completely alienated and insecure. Did she ask for the baby shower? Did she ask for your mother to pay? Ask yourself why would she feel the need to have her DH there? Probably because he is her safe space and you lot obviously are not. My MIL wanted to organise my baby shower herself, I absolutely cringed at the thought because she had no idea about me, my preferences, my friends or my family. It would all be about her, her friends, her family and what she wanted. In the end i asked my best friend to arrange something as she knew me better than anyone having lost my own mother. They were all included of course. Could you not have asked her first if she wanted this?

@Movingforwards123 this is a thread from 2017! What on earth made you resurrect this?!

Oops!