Partner just told me he was sexually abused by his father - shocked

[Bamboogie86]

My partner and I have had quite a rough patch the past three months. Been together 17 months. He has a lot of narc behaviours and had a history of drug abuse. He has told A LOT of lies, big lies regarding driving offences, drugs, finances. In his moments of weakness, he can have rages and be horrible to me at times. He has ended things with me and then an hour later is begging me back etc. He comes across as erratic a lot. However,.majority of the time he is a loving, caring man.

So the past few weeks things have been great and back to being really good. He then drops this massive bombshell that he was sexually abused as a child by HIS DAD.

I was in shock. His dad has always come across as slightly creepy and odd. They have no relationship, literally always small talk. We don't have a child together, but his child goes to his parents house but never stays over. Which I used to think was weird but now I think I know why.

I am in shock by it. But because of all his lying in the past about so much. I find it very difficult to believe it. (Please don't shoot me down). His mum is very much controlled by the dad you can see she has no backbone with regards to various family issues. My partner is also homophobic to an extreme level at times.

I know I am painting him as a vile man. He isn't, otherwise I wouldn't be with him.

But has anyone else has experience of this? I'm just in shock. He told me he has never told anyone.

Anyway, I shared it with my sister who's my usual go to in a situation. Her response was, "I dont believe him and I think hes said it to get you to feel sorry for him during a time where he was in the wrong for all his shittt behaviour towards you recently".

His abuse history is sad.

However it sounds like he takes no responsibility for the fallout of the abuse now that he's an adult.

You can believe him, but also end the relationship with him, and those two things needn't be related to each other.

He sounds vile and abusive and you are better off without him. However, I sense you are already salivating at the possibility of "saving" this man. Good luck, you will need it to survive the relationship

He 100% is a vile man and I don't understand why you are with him. If he is like this so early in your relationship goodness knows what he might be like later on. I don't know if you ever want kids but why on earth would you have a jerk like this around as a potential father. You don't have a normal or healthy relationship with him so why continue the drama. There is no point analysing the relationship or trying to apportion blame or whatever. It's a crap relationship so I'd recommend finishing it ASAP and moving on.

It's completely irrelevant whether you believe him about the sexual abuse. I'd suggest you find some numbers of organisations who could help him and provide proper counselling and advice.

I also think it is wrong if you to discuss this with your sister. It's not her business and it's not your information to share.

This post sounds harsher than I meant it to be but it's late and I'm off to bed. I really, really think you just need to dump him and forget about him.

I honestly had to tell someone close to me as I didn't know what to think, I felt physically sick. I trust my sister 100% and know that it would never go any further.

I think you're right though. The relationship is sadly doomed and I don't have the energy anymore to maintain him.

You can't have a relationship with someone you suspect could make a false allegation of sexual abuse

Especially one who could make one to manipulate you

Before you even consider the rest

It's over

In terms of believing him how did he tell you? Did he provide any details?

Lets assume he's telling the truth. To what extent is he able to see that he's been adopting a self-destructive coping pattern over the years, and how is he willing to address the trauma and his ensuing behaviours? Is he willing to get professional help? This is really important. He sounds like he has a lot of suppressed rage (understandably) and tells lies to get away from the horrible truth of his past (again understandably) but also to avoid taking responsibility for himself.

People often sympathise with CSA survivors who internalise their behaviours but do not react with rage etc, and as a csa survivor myself I personally think it's even harder for male sufferers to get help. It's very taboo, they can feel they were forced into homosexual acts against their will and acting out with violence for eg is more common and less relatable.

But you have to protect yourself and think about the future. I wouldn't see myself having children with this man in the near future. I would at least put distance between you, with the stipulation that he get help. If he refuses, I would walk away, as no matter whether he's telling the truth or not, it's a refusal to deal with his issues. It's not your responsibility to 'save him' and trying to stay with him unless he begins taking full responsibility for his negative behaviours will wear you down to the ground.

In short, he needs to start intensive therapy and will need to continue with it for a few years. There's simply no way he can continue brushing it under the carpet without continuing to destroy this relationship and any future relationship. He's deluding himself if he thinks otherwise.

You sound lovely and are probably the best thing to ever happen to this man, but you should take a step back and be prepared to walk and not put up with his abusive behaviour.

I would be careful, as he could be lying again to make you feel sorry for him

OP your relationship with him doesn't sound much fun and I echo previous posters on thinking it wise to consider ending it.

However I am quite shocked at the level of disbelief here in relation to sexual abuse. It is entirely feasible that this man was a victim of CSA and that his resulting drug and anger problems are a resulting coping mechanism.

Some female victims of CSA also behave in ways that aren't at all palatable as a result of their trauma. It's vitally important that they are believed when they make a disclosure.

This man may not engender much sympathy but I think some people need to take a step back and consider how ugly their attitude would be if applied to a woman: 'I think she is lying about being raped in order to manipulate people'. What happened to 'I believe you'?

Child rapists don't differentiate between male and female victims. We need to extend our empathy and belief to all victims of CSA, not just the female ones.

Ok. If he's lying and you don't believe him, he's going to resent you for not believing him when you "should".

If he's not lying and he knows you doubt him you can cause him an absolutely massive amount of soul-destroying pain.

So it's in everyone's best interests if you go along with this, BUT that doesn't mean you saving him or trying to do his work for him.

He needs help, a lot of it, and that cannot come from you.

You can get him info on counselling, support groups etc but don't do more than that, because any therapy he undertakes he has to be 100% willing to do it or it's pretty much a waste of time. Ultimately too, the therapy work he would need to do is hard and lonely. You could be there as a support, but that's not the same as a prop.

And you don't need to stay with him because he was - is - a victim of something horrendous.

But please believe him, unless you find out otherwise. Not being believed is one of the worst things about CSA (and other CAs too). And if it's true, much of what you've said fits a pattern that can arise from it - but that isn't an excuse, or again, a reason for you to be subjected to it.

In terms of support for you OP I wonder if the rape crisis line might be able to point you in the right direction of more specialised support? This is a really challenging thing to deal with, whether you stay with him or not.

*one of the worst things about CSA - APART FROM THE ABUSE ITSELF!

I hope that was obvious but maybe best to be clear!!

He sounds like my ex partner. I kind of felt sorry for him when he told me about his dad abusing him and excused him for his outbursts and his controlling behaviour. Things got worse and worse, he got more controlling, the outbursts were happening more and more, he would threaten suicide if I asked him to leave. Eventually I asked him to go, he did the suicide thing again and I told him to go ahead (he hadn't followed it through before), I then found out he was living another life and seeing other women behind my back. He still begged for forgiveness and used his past to try and make me feel guilty. He has been gone now for 10 months and I can now see what he was and what he did to me. Leave now before things get worse, his past is not your problem, it's his and it will effect any relationship he has.

run for the hills, this guy is manipulative and dangerous!

My abusive XH was physically and emotionally abused by his parents. It took me a long time to realise that this was no excuse for his behaviour and that it was not my responsibility to 'fix' him.

Walk away, he needs to work on his issues before he is ready to embark on any kind of relationship.

My abusive ex partner lied about child abuse to excuse his behaviour (not that it does) I found out on good authority it wasn't true and he had very good childhood and if anything was spoilt rotten. This too can lead to narc behaviour as they don't grasp boundaries and have a high level of self entitlement.
Whether true or not he's still abusive and there's not a single excuse for it.
I understand just how hard it is when you think you're deeply in love with someone, but they never change and you'll end up a shadow, a shell of your former self.
I even forgot my own name.

He sounds very damaged by what happened to him (from your description it sounds very likely he is telling the truth) but you have a choice whether stay in the relationship. Has he ever spoken about counselling?

I'm suprised at some of the advice on this thread. This relationship is ONLY 17months and has been going through a 'rough' patch for 3 months 🤷🏻‍♀️ Why would anyone suggest staying with someone or supporting someone who....in the OPs words...

In his moments of weakness, he can have rages and be horrible to me at times

It's really really depressing that anyone would suggest that the OP stays with someone like that.

Also, I agree with the PP who said that you can't consider whether or not you believe him about the abuse. 'I believe you' shouldn't just be for women. Lots of men have been subject to sexual assault and rape too. What you privately think is irrelevant. Outwardly you should believe him and supply him with details as to how to access professional help. It's not your responsibility to help him and even if you wanted to I suspect you would be the right person.

You shouldn't stay with him. You need to be sensible about this. You are making a decision that could affect you for the rest of your life.

I know it's by the by but the only two people who I personally know have been raped were both males. (Not partners of mine)

Soooo…..

1. He has a lot of narc behaviours
2. history of drug abuse
3. He has told A LOT of lies
4. regarding driving offences, drugs, finances
5. he can have rages
6. be horrible to me at times
7. He has ended things with me
8. He comes across as erratic a lot
9. a rough patch the past three months – out of 17!!!!
10. is also homophobic to an extreme level at times

Seriously. This is just form the 1st paragraph (well apart from No. 10)
Why are you putting up with this person?

Even your sister says ‘for all his shitty behaviour towards you recently’

Please value yourself more and get rid of him.
Things will not improve.

The child sexual abuse is a separate issue and if he wants to he can pursue some therapy / counselling and also report to the police.
But that is for him to do.

You aren’t even sure he’s telling the truth and from you’ve said here, neither am I.

And you should contact Womens Aid and ask to do their Freedom Programme / project!
Attend in person.
There are so many red flags here and you are ignoring all of them.
Time to understand more about abuse and set your boundaries and raise our relationship bar!!!

@Quodlibet please don't get offended at this. I think the reason there is disbelief is because he has lied to me so much for so long that there comes a point where it is a bit like the boy that cried wolf. I totally understand the seriousness of CSA and this is why I've posted as Ive been tearing myself apart.

@Hadroncollider that was a really brilliant response. Thank you for sharing that too. I think you possibly hit the nail on the head with everything there. He went to his doctor last week and has been referred somewhere. He hasn't shared any of the story other than he said it happened. He said it was traumatic. He just said ive held that in my hold life and it feels good to get it out.
This could be a complete coincidence but he is obsessed with this pedophile hunter videos/programs aswell. Watches them a lot and I remember saying why do you want to watch these? He said oh I love it when they get caught.

I do think that his history of being abused - I do believe him - and whether or not you continue your relationship with him are two different issues.

I find it quite disturbing and disappointing actually that so many here are quick to disbelieve him.

Listen to Hellsbells.

And, this:

He has a lot of narc behaviours and had a history of drug abuse. He has told A LOT of lies, big lies regarding driving offences, drugs, finances. In his moments of weakness, he can have rages and be horrible to me at times. He has ended things with me and then an hour later is begging me back etc. He comes across as erratic a lot. However, majority of the time he is a loving, caring man.

No. That isn't how it works.
Some one who rages, treats you unfairly, is horrible to you, and lies and is erratic is NOT, at any point 'a loving caring man'.

What he is is an unpleasant man who is able for some of the time to act as if he is a loving caring man in order to not end up alone, or perhaps simply because he doesn't have the energy to rage and lie and mistreat all the time.

This is something basic you really need to realise. A loving caring person is just that - loving and caring. They don't treat you badly because being loving and caring STOPS THEM. Someone who is ABLE to treat you badly isn't loving and caring. They can act that way, but it's not in their heart.

He may indeed be a vile bastard because he was abused. In that case, it's good that he may be able to move forward with this and get counselling. However, you should end the relationship. There is nothing there for you, and nothing for him either - he's treated you aso badly that quite naturally, you're not even sure you believe him. So - end it.

FWIW regarding other comments - I would always believe someone who said they were abused until proven otherwise. It is too important a thing not to. I believe him.

However - that doesn't magically undo the fact that he's completely trashed his relationship with OP before this even came out. She probably wouldn't fully trust him to tell the truth about going to Tesco's instead of Sainsbury's. She and he are better apart.

Why are you even with this guy? He is a total psychopath!

I agree you should believe him. But it's not up to you to fix him.

It looks like he is stating to get help, maybe you can be a supportive friend/acquaintance from now on.

Thanks everyone for your advice. Seems like a resounding leave him. Which I have been contemplating anyway.

There seems to be a lot of judgement as to why I'm still with him. As if I'm blinded or deliberately sabotaging myself. I'm still here mainly because I still love him, we still have fun together, I see the good in him(and the bad) and he is very supportive. He just has a lot of issues that tend to crop up sadly. :( which is why I'm here asking for advice.

Sounds to me like he is a man with borderline personality disorder as a result
Of childhood trauma

He's projecting his issues on to you and cannot take responsibility for himself

Dialectic behavioural therapy could really help or trauma rewind or EDMR