Partner just told me he was sexually abused by his father - shocked

[Bamboogie86]

My partner and I have had quite a rough patch the past three months. Been together 17 months. He has a lot of narc behaviours and had a history of drug abuse. He has told A LOT of lies, big lies regarding driving offences, drugs, finances. In his moments of weakness, he can have rages and be horrible to me at times. He has ended things with me and then an hour later is begging me back etc. He comes across as erratic a lot. However,.majority of the time he is a loving, caring man.

So the past few weeks things have been great and back to being really good. He then drops this massive bombshell that he was sexually abused as a child by HIS DAD.

I was in shock. His dad has always come across as slightly creepy and odd. They have no relationship, literally always small talk. We don't have a child together, but his child goes to his parents house but never stays over. Which I used to think was weird but now I think I know why.

I am in shock by it. But because of all his lying in the past about so much. I find it very difficult to believe it. (Please don't shoot me down). His mum is very much controlled by the dad you can see she has no backbone with regards to various family issues. My partner is also homophobic to an extreme level at times.

I know I am painting him as a vile man. He isn't, otherwise I wouldn't be with him.

But has anyone else has experience of this? I'm just in shock. He told me he has never told anyone.

Anyway, I shared it with my sister who's my usual go to in a situation. Her response was, "I dont believe him and I think hes said it to get you to feel sorry for him during a time where he was in the wrong for all his shittt behaviour towards you recently".

There are two different things here.

1. whether he was abused. Sounds likely, I don't think you should ever assume someone is lying about something like that. Echo others, what happened to 'I believe you'. Bit of sexism at play here.
2. should you stay with him? No, your relationship sounds horrendous. And whatever he's been through, it's not your problem. Sounds harsh, but it's true. You don't need to be his saviour, he'll drag you down.

Oh for goodness sake, he tells you he has been sexually abused by his dad and everyone's 1st thought is to leave him!?!

You should be making sure he gets support and counselling and then looking to get out of the relationship.. the last thing he needs is to open up to someone about something he has no doubt hidden and been ashamed of for many years and a) not be believed and b) dumped!

At least make sure he gets help 1st and understands that what happened to him is not his fault

LifeinColour this guy is abusive and a liar, if you can't see that...
Yes he probably was abused and he needs to see a counsellor.
He is telling op at a convenient time to distract her from the abuse he is giving her.
The op is getting herself in a very messed up relationship, where she is likely to get even more messed up. People can't be fixed by others. he is a grown man. It is down to him to seek help and why hasn't he done it before?

Life why should she be helping him? She's only been in a relationship with him for 17months, he's abusive towards her and the relationship is already turning bad, she owes him nothing, she's not his counseler, it's not her fault if he had a abusive childhood. It's not ok to put up with be treated like this just because of his past.

I'm still here mainly because I still love him, we still have fun together, I see the good in him(and the bad) and he is very supportive

No one is disputing that these things are true but none of these good points negate all the awful bad things about him that you have listed. Do you want children in the future? Why would you knowingly continue a relationship with risk having someone who has 'rages' etc etc as their father. You can chose to put up with all the bad things things about this man as you are an adult but why would you gamble with any possible future children's wellbeing. It's not sensible.

I agree that you should offer support and advice re the sexual abuse but I think you need to dump him too. I suspect he won't take being dumped very well. ,

Cueless you're so quick to call someone a psychopath yet the root of the issue has been revealed and a little empathy wouldn't go amiss.. OP is asking for advice, my advice is to deal with his issue & that is his abuse. Her issue is being with a guy who has problems and should realise this is not a healthy relationship but bottom line is.. deal with this by being a friend, make sure he gets the counselling he needs before looking to dump him when he is at his lowest and vulnerable otherwise he may struggle to trust and open up again.

Lovemusic33 errr because she's his partner!

She's hasn't posted asking if she should leave because he's abusive, she could have done that at any point in the last 13months! Why wait till he opens up, not believe him and then leave! Sounds crazy and heartless to me, yes she's needs to step back from the relationship so he can sort himself out but for god sake first encourage him to get the help he needs.. I do wonder what the world is coming to these days

So the OP should take on his problem first, before her own?
Reading this, she has a major problem, I am fully empathic towards her: she is in an abusive relationship. Lucky she posted here otherwise she might not have realised!
But you would tell to look after her abusive partner first. I'd say pinpoint him in the direction where he can get support and run for the hills!
She has no duty of care for someone who does not respect her in the first place.

Op has stated that he has told lies and has been abusive, he has rages and can be horrible to her, he comes across are erratic a lot of the time. Does that sound like a good relationship to be in life ? Why would anyone want to put up with this so early in a relationship? They don't have kids together, she doesn't owe him anything. The way he treats her has nothing to do with the fact his father sexually abused him, it's because he's a c*nt. why put up with it? Why does he deserve a chance? How long should she put up with being treated like shit whist she waits for him to get help? Your crazy if you think any woman should put up with this.

Yes and she has also stated that "majority of the time he is a loving, caring man."
I'm not disputing its a bad relationship, of course it is - he lies and gets angry But if that were big issues for OP then leave early on then.. don't wait till someone says "hey, the reason i'm so fucked up is because I was sexually abused by my dad" and respond by saying, "I don't care, see ya!" & its not taking on his problems, its helping him find a way to sort himself out.. i.e a good counsellor who can help.. the relationship advice needs to take a back seat until he has the support he needs

Life this for you:
"Empaths are open and loving people, who naturally want to take on other’s pain and help them deal with it. Compassionate and with an ability to put themselves in another’s shoes, they will go to dramatic lengths to make things better for others, even if it means sacrificing their well-being."
taken from the article below. I would not want you or the OP to scarify themselves for someone like this.

www.peacequarters.com/empaths-constantly-fall-wounded-narcissist-reason-will-surprise/

@toomanybigfatlies that is a really good point btw. I do want a child. Hope i don't get shot down for being on mnet without kids. Just always find the forums on here are great with wise people on board. He has a child from another relationship. He adores his child and I have never seen him mistreat the child, ever. The child adores him too (and me).

Thanks everyone for your responses. I'm not making excuses for him but the rages only started three months ago. During this time he was dealing with a lot of stress due to his health and various issues regarding work.
I know his behaviour is inexcusable though, I'm not insane.
I do think it is time I do end it. But I do feel very sad about it. I know he has issues related to A LOT of things from his past. His parents are terrible for various things they put him and his siblings through. However, I can't change any of it and only he can actively do that. Although I find with men they tend to just say oh I have a problem lets put it to the back of my mind and go on autopilot and then it manifests.
That's not me being sexist btw. I think as more females are empaths and more outwardly emotional they will get help much sooner. It was even difficult getting him to go to the GP.

Anyway, I know what I have to do. My friends and fam don't like him anymore as they've seen me upset after the three rage incidents. He raged as he was being called out on being an idiot with various things regarding the lies I'd mentioned.

A huge part of me doesn't want to let him go. I know there are tons of guys out there and I'll meet someone knew.
But, honestly the thought of never having him in my life, even as a friend makes me feel sad. But I know in the long run there will be less drama and less of me feeling hurt and confused. My friends don't understand it and they just say oh bin him. But they aren't in the relationship or are in love with him.

I probably sound like a weak idiot. I'm just someone who loves someone who has big issues and knows they aren't right for me.

Whilst I appreciate the concern Cueless i'm confused as to why you are are worried about my life and that of the OP and not so empathetic towards the abuse victim..OP has clearly written a post asking for advice from people who have experienced a loved one telling them they have been sexually abused.. as far as I see it, my advice is to get him help and then deal with the relationship and your advice is to run away as quick as her legs will take her..

I had a long standing drug addiction which I now know was due to sexual abuse as a child.. I had secrets, I heid it well, so you can understand why I get that he needs support, not someone turning their back and if he is still seeing his dad then of course he is going to be erratic and angry - his head is fucked up and of course OP shouldn't stay in a relationship shes not happy in but come on.. lets get the guy some counselling 1st

aww bless. Breaking up is a bit like grieving. It is a painful process. Even if the relationship was abusive. Plus you have gone into it with all your heart. But you can do it. I grieved my abusive ex. Now I want to look back on it with a sarky grin. But I was truly heartbroken.

OP, don't be too hard on yourself. Breaking up with people is never easy and it's totally normal to have very mixed feelings even when breaking up is logically the only answer. It's ok to feel sad about this. It IS sad. 🤷🏻‍♀️ however it would be even sadder to continue a relationship where one partners 'rages' and is really horrible to the other one (etc etc)

Maybe there I a chance that you can break up amicably although that sounds very unlikely from what you have told us about him.

Do you live with him?

@lifeincolour thank you. Thanks for sharing that as I know it must be difficult and that's great you got help. He had drug addiction before we met (coke). But he is now manifesting addictions to other things such as the cannabis, food, even cleaning, at times I've even thought he acted addicted to me at times :/.

I've had trauma in my life too. Not abuse but trauma and it made me behave crazy and I had bad ocd as a child and an adult. I even went through rages. So this is possibly why I feel for him a lot.

@cueless thank you. It is just like that. I have lovely family and friends who support me etc. But as you know when you are close with someone even when they are a shit it's hard. But I guess I just care too much for someone who doesn't deserve it.
Possibly because I dont have kids etc I am doing the mothering role a bit as his own mother is awful. Who knows. But I know im not his mum and neither do I want to be.

Life
I had a long standing drug addiction which I now know was due to sexual abuse as a child.. I had secrets, I heid it well, so you can understand why I get that he needs support, not someone turning their back and if he is still seeing his dad then of course he is going to be erratic and angry

...but I bet you didn't handle it by raging at your partner and being really horrible. I think most posters acknowledge that the OPs soon to be EX partner needs help and support but the OP can't be the one to give it. She shouldn't sacrifice her own well being for someone else.

I also think it would be awful for the OP to continue going out with him whilst simultaneously planning to break up with him. That's weird, creepy and dishonest. What is she supposed to do when he wants to sleep with her or wants her to show affection?

@toomany thank you, I know it's for the best. We don't live together I live alone.

@motherwhomanages I have often wondered about the borderline personality disorder. Because he does express guilt, shame and remorse for his behaviours. Whereas a narc/socio doesn't or doesn't even see a problem with their behaviour

That's good you don't live together, that might make it a little easier.

Good luck

Is the guilt, shame and remorse really it. It could be just to get you back in the game. Read Lundy Bancroft 'Why does he do that?"

My ex showed remorse and guilt but didn't stop him from getting angry at me again and again. Eventually he started to make out I was crazy. He was very loving when he wanted to be, he bought me flowers every week, he cooked for me and he was very effectinate, I loved him so much but then he could change very quickly and fly off the handle over something tiny. The final straw was when he lost it with my 12 year old dd. I'm so pleased I got out out of the relationship, he was an abusive controlling, lying twat but because he was so loving I was so deluded and taken in by him.

@lovemusic33 thank you. This does worry me that I've stayed due to the affection and how he is when he hasn't raged.

TooManyBigFatLies I agree! Very creepy! My point was the relationship is neither here nor there.. be a friend, get him help then decide what the fuck to do about the relationship. OP you sound sensible, good luck I truly hope he gets the help he needs