i am "manipulative", "cruel", a "liar" and i "lack empathy"

[Artemiss]

Hello. DF changes from Jekill to Hyde and i have serious doubts about marrying him. I spent the last few months being confused, depressed , feeling guilty , doubting myself and my sanity, i even started thinking that i am all that he says that i am. But no one else ever had this opinion about me, the opposite. And if i am that bad why he stays with me? It doesnt make sense. He is thinking that he is some sort of martyr that he puts up with my crap because he loves me that much and i did believe that for long time.
The one side of him is the mr nice guy. He will be sweet , caring and say all the right things, how he loves me, how amazing i am ,how i always being there to support him, he wants me always by his side etc etc
And then is the other side. He gets overly angry over nothing, The little small tiny unimportant things will send him into rage. If i dare to complaint about something he starts braking things or going away to cool off. The problem is that i dont even manage to say one sentence before he reacts like this. Example yesterday i answered his call 3 minutes after he called. He said that i was too late and i should be there the time we agreed. I told him that this doesnt make sense and its just 3 minutes. He got so angry that he had to "cool off" Then started sending messages in capital letters "so i understand" telling me that i am ungrateful and nothing pleases me and that he is certain that i cause problems because i have a plan and probably i have another man here and i want his baby(?????). Then demanded an apology . And this is his mentality and behavior when he gets into this mood.Other times i can say half a sentense and he starts smashing things, usually when we are on phone but i can hear him. He blames me for everything and when i say that he is responsible for his own behavior he replies that i make him do it or that women arent to be trusted because their mentality changes with their moods
He also claims that i am a liar. Every time i have different opinion apparently i am a liar.
I am sure now that there is something wrong with him and not me but i would like some perspective please. When he is nice he is very nice and he claims that i change him and if i can only be nice he will go back to normal.By nice he means to say always yes and always agree with him

A common or garden abuser usually waits until his victim is trapped by marriage, money and or a baby before revealing themselves to be as bad as your 'D'F is now. He's so disordered he's acting like this before you're properly trapped. Very, very bad sign.

This man is very, very dangerous.

he almost killed someone on road rage today. Is the stress i put on him. He will "end up killing someone"

He is telling you that the someone he wants to kill is you.

Get out as soon as you can. Call the police if he threatens you in any way.

Posters on here often say "When someone tells you who they are, listen". He is telling you who he is.

Good luck OP.

Please carefully and quickly plan your escape. You're doing brilliantly to have recognised this now, when you aren't married, don't live with him or have kids with him. He sounds very dangerous, so I would call whatever domestic violence line people on here recommend and say your dp is aggressive and threatening and you might need advice/support on leaving him. Then you need to LEAVE HIM. Please don't be here in three years when he knocks you down the stairs in front of your two kids. Stay safe OP; it sounds completely awful, real life and relationships do NOT have to be like this.

dowtown and spookle are right. Get away, quickly and carefully! Do that grey rock thing! (Someone please describe it better!)

This was me. But I made the mistake of marrying him.The last time I hit the floor,I literally saw stars.I called the police (wasn't the first time I called them) and actually pressed charges.I had cracked ribs,a black eye and suspected concussion.We are now almost divorced.

Run. And run fast. I'm not saying he'll physically abuse you,but I thought my ''man'' would never hit me either. Once we married the verbal abuse got worse and I started to believe I was useless,fat (ok I am) a liar,controllling and demanding. 3 years down the line I still quiver in fear if a man shouts or raises his hand to make a point.

Please don't make the mistake I did! I was lucky to get rid when I did.....if I hadn't,I really don't think I'd be here now.Leave him,block him and keep yourself safe.....for your own sake.

No many awful experiences on this thread, for which I am truly sorry and so very sad. You are all amazing.

OP, you need to get to the point where you accept you are always better off on your own than with anybody who can not love, protect and care for you in a way that every person deserves.

This man does not love you properly. You can not help him. And his attention is dangerous, controlling and abusive. His 'love' has absolutely no worth because you are a million times better than him. You need to meet an equal.

I hope you have your own place.
You need to cut him off and you also, and Im being serious, need to call the police (you can use 101) and tell them about his behaviour and that he is likely to get abusive and aggressive, because then they will be quick off the mark if he kicks off.
You can text him. You dont need to see him or he will try to sweet talk you round, and then, if you dont change he will get very angry, very quickly, and he is dangerous.
I would text him and tell him you dont need to discuss it, tell him not to contact you or come round, and the first time he contacts you after you have told him not to, you need to warn him that you have asked him not to contact you and you will be contacting the police if he does. And do it.
getting an non mol order is not too difficult - its just a form. If you have warned him and you are frightened, when you call 101 initially you can ask to be referred to the DV unit to speed up the process, because I think you will need it.
If you think his sweet messages will tempt you, block his number. If you want to gather evidence of him ignoring your request to leave you alone it might be worth enlisting a friend to look after your phone and get a cheap PAYG for the moment. Do you have a friend/work colleague you trust. Warn your job - its likely he will turn up there because he knows you wont want a scene there, so its important they know so they can stop him coming to the building.

and find a Freedom Programme near you. And a counsellor who can help you unpick the damage your family did. You can have a great future - those dreams are not dead, you just need to get rid of the danger, do a bit of work, and you will be good to go!

Agree with all the posters. He sounds unhinged, you need to get out before it escalates.

You need to leave but you need to leave carefully. We are not trying to scare you but he is dangerous. Please speak to professionals like Woman's Aid who will have heard this thousands of times before. They will advise you in the best way to leave.

Mine didn't go quietly. I broke up with him after about 6 months, he had borrowed a key for other reasons he let himself into my house at 3am and I woke up with him standing over my bed explaining that me dumping him and saying I didn't want to see him or speak to him ever again 'was a misunderstanding'. He kept the key. Another time I broke up with him I blocked him on everything, realised he had the key, asked his dad to get it off him, x came to bring it back then pressured and pressured me to not dump him. then he really ramped up the EA and following an horrific time of him driving me to the beach late at night to rant and rant for ages about how I was 'crazy, jealous, unreasonable, overreacting, projecting my past onto him' I was so destroyed that the next time I initiated a break up I was the one who contacted him to say sorry re something that had happened with his career (he had spent years investing in it and it hadn't worked out). Then I gradually recovered my sense of self over about a year, started standing up to him a bit but he ramped up the abuse massively, raging turned into raging and breaking things, locking me in his house and not letting me leave, turning up at my house unannounced after silent rages, refusing to leave my house, sexual abuse etc and his best friend killed himself and that gave me a wake up call that I'd be next. So by that time I was deathly afraid of him hence police.

Good God.
Do not marry this man.
I repeat..
Do not marry this man.
for you OP

for you too Offred.

My dh is doing jury duty today on a domestic abuse case with multiple charges including rape and sexual assault.

My dh is tough as old boots but he comes home each night looking utterly shell shocked, he is truly struggling with the evidence he's having to hear.

This is real. This is abuse. It's happening as we speak, all over the country. Please stop it before the violence starts.

I find it interesting now that although he never stopped raging or being scary he often used to say that the part of our relationship where I was completely emotionally destroyed (by him) and where I was trying to be absolutely perfect and follow all his rules was a time 'when we were getting on fine' to him and that me when I was recovering and standing up to him a bit was 'confusing' and he felt he was 'stepping in land mines'. Now I'm out I just wish I had called the police when he let himself in but I didn't because my children were asleep.

OP, do you know how someone you're about to marry should make you feel all the time?

Happy. Secure. Cherished. Supported. That you can trust them and they will be your rock. That you can talk to them without worrying what the reaction will be.

Besides that this man is nothing like that, he really, really sounds dangerous. All this talk about killing, all the smashing up things is a warning.

Fucking hell Offred, that's awful. I'm so sorry.

I got off lightly.

OP - listen to the warnings. Be brave. Surround yourself with love and support.

MN was an invaluable source of support to me. I didn't realise until much later that I suffered emotional abuse at the hands of this disordered man. Only when I put a name to it and gained an understanding could I accept it. You're way ahead of where I was.

OP as someone who has been through similar, I think it's as simple as he is "cruel" "a liar" and "lacks empathy". Get out now, and I know it's hard.

When he accuses you of seeing other men, he is projecting his own low standards onto you.

DamnDe is right. The most dangerous time, statistically, is around the time you try to leave. Please talk to Women's Aid 0808 2000 247 to find out how to do this safely.
I am very glad indeed you are trusting your instincts and have seen this excuse of a man for what he really is before tying yourself to him irrevocably with marriage and children.
Find a Freedom Programme and a good counsellor for yourself ASAP. Be strong, you can do what you need to do and get out of this relationship. Then employ the grey rock technique as others have suggested.

I would be having severe misgivings too if I was engaged to someone who behaved like this. You need to think long and hard about whether this is the life you want to live.

I had the same thing Offred woke up in the middle of the night to find him standing over me... its fucking scary

only thing that sorted him was my father physically coming round to chuck him out with tthreats of police, only thing that stopped him fucking me over with my daughter was court and a prohibitive steps order for life

I've been reading narcsite.

Op you might find it both scary and enlightening as I did.

I'm probably exactly half and half terrified about the possibility of going to court re the DV because of how he may react and wanting him to finally be held accountable.

From reading narcsite I do think he has a lot of narc traits and possibly fits more with borderline personality disorder than NPD but either way, and I know this from what the police have told me about how he has interacted with them (they said he seemed annoyed that it hadn't just gone away and was being obstructive) if charges are brought at the end of the investigation I should expect him to get a bulldog of a lawyer and my character to be completely assassinated.

FWIW I don't see the point in trying to armchair diagnose any of these arseholes with a personality disorder. The cause of the behaviour is not really relevant (unless you're trying to "fix" them, which is a fool's errand IMO). What's important is the effect of the behaviour on you. I think it's much more valuable to read Lundy Bancroft and do the Freedom Programme - focus on recognising abusive behaviour, changing your own reaction to it and healing from the damage.

I agree actually. I stopped reading the site when I was getting into all the diagnosing too much. I do think it can be helpful to an extent though in terms of bringing you into the reality of you still have some entanglement with them, in my case the prospect of possibly having to accuse him in court and be cross examined.

Like for the op, understanding what he is likely to do if she breaks up with him could be really important.

I remember just being paralysed with confusion about what was happening and why he was doing all these things and terrified about what he would do next (whether it was desperate sobbing and demanding comfort or aggressive ranting character assassinations or smashing something). The confusion is what completely paralysed me and it was then really really easy for me to take the stuff as though it was actually him that was in the right and I was awful because 'why else would he be like this?!'

I'm very much looking forward to the day I get a charging decision and know whether I can just completely stop thinking about him existing.

Offred, you are very amazing and brave.

I'm sure any court would see him for exactly what he is, a disturbed, controlling, abusive bully.