i am "manipulative", "cruel", a "liar" and i "lack empathy"

[Artemiss]

Hello. DF changes from Jekill to Hyde and i have serious doubts about marrying him. I spent the last few months being confused, depressed , feeling guilty , doubting myself and my sanity, i even started thinking that i am all that he says that i am. But no one else ever had this opinion about me, the opposite. And if i am that bad why he stays with me? It doesnt make sense. He is thinking that he is some sort of martyr that he puts up with my crap because he loves me that much and i did believe that for long time.
The one side of him is the mr nice guy. He will be sweet , caring and say all the right things, how he loves me, how amazing i am ,how i always being there to support him, he wants me always by his side etc etc
And then is the other side. He gets overly angry over nothing, The little small tiny unimportant things will send him into rage. If i dare to complaint about something he starts braking things or going away to cool off. The problem is that i dont even manage to say one sentence before he reacts like this. Example yesterday i answered his call 3 minutes after he called. He said that i was too late and i should be there the time we agreed. I told him that this doesnt make sense and its just 3 minutes. He got so angry that he had to "cool off" Then started sending messages in capital letters "so i understand" telling me that i am ungrateful and nothing pleases me and that he is certain that i cause problems because i have a plan and probably i have another man here and i want his baby(?????). Then demanded an apology . And this is his mentality and behavior when he gets into this mood.Other times i can say half a sentense and he starts smashing things, usually when we are on phone but i can hear him. He blames me for everything and when i say that he is responsible for his own behavior he replies that i make him do it or that women arent to be trusted because their mentality changes with their moods
He also claims that i am a liar. Every time i have different opinion apparently i am a liar.
I am sure now that there is something wrong with him and not me but i would like some perspective please. When he is nice he is very nice and he claims that i change him and if i can only be nice he will go back to normal.By nice he means to say always yes and always agree with him

Do you live with him? If not, you can end it right now.. This minute.. Please do.. text him and say its over. and you wil not be answering the phone or door to him .

I made the mistake of marrying one of thesetypes ( not as bad as yours) and having a baby with him .. it took me years to get anything like my self esteem back. Even now , 30 yearson (and with a lovely DH) . I still sometimes have the mindfuck stuff he told me in my head..

My ex mindfuck told me I was stupid , would never amount to anything, no one would want me or have a good life..

He was wrong .

Move on... you will find your own amazing life, the best sort, without him. A life lived well, and hopefully if you wantit someone who will be a real, life partner in a loving caring and equal relationship..

OP I married this man.
I was a 'sociopath' 'manipulative' 'lacked empathy'... I was also a moron, a slut, a cunt...

One day when our baby was 5 months he strangled me for the second time and I left him.

He will only get worse and even if he doesn't, is this seriously what you want your life to be? Leave him.

And yet these men hate for people to think poorly of them.

They honestly believe their own myth.

Gaslighting, being worn down, always being in the wrong, doubting yourself constantly, keeping the peace for fear of that blow up, it's all so fucking tiresome. He would create dramas, manipulate them so he was the victim and I was the persecutor when I called him out, then he'd use the kids and drag them into his manufactured drama to rescue him. Now I no longer engage, he uses the children to meet his emotional needs, and I'm having to coach them so they recognise his behaviours. It's so fucked up.

I found a good therapist who helped me put a name to it, accept it had happened and help me move on.

"Dreams of an amazing life" with this man are just that: dreams.

The reality is that if you stay with him you get the nightmare.

You can't change him.
You can't make him better.
It doesn't matter how you behave he will always be a nightmare.

You are right, the occasional bit of nice behaviour is pretend. It's designed to lure you in until there is no escape.

Take your chance now.

And yet these men hate for people to think poorly of them.

Oh yes, I told my friends that we had had 'an aggressive argument' the reality was that he had got so full of fury about my understanding of the words of a newspaper article (I said something was not a quote because it wasn't in quotation marks, he disagreed) he had cornered me in his car raging for an hour to the extent I was afraid he was going to punch me. I remember vividly that he was bright red, clenched fist, shaking, jabbing his finger hard at the phone.

He didn't speak to me for two days, was completely seething over it the whole time then absolutely laid into me by text saying I had embarrassed him in public, that I needed to accept responsibility for my unacceptable behaviour and that if I didn't the relationship was over. I was in tears as message after message hit me but I refused to say sorry as I didn't feel I had done anything wrong, told him it seemed like he was intimating that he was allowed to abuse me in private but I wasn't allowed to tell anyone about it and that made me even more afraid. Told him I was feeling bullied said 'ok then there isn't really anything else to talk about' when he said the relationship would be over if I didn't accept responsibility but then got a load more messages about him not wanting to break up.

I was relieved initially after saying 'nothing more to say' and frightened again when it became apparent he still wasn't letting me go.

OK then.
You need to end this abuse cycle.
You were abused by your parents.
You pick an abuser (or he picks you)
He abuses you.
The kids you have experience it and so the cycle continues.
Only YOU can break this.
Please do get onto Womens Aid.
They can help you see this for what it is.
They can get you local help as well, counselling or courses to help you spot all this in the future.
But for now.....
RUN - FAR AND FAST - THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>

Plus be aware he will be come nice to you when he thinks your leaving him. Please do not tell him just leave no warning.

He will go back to the nice guy from the beginning but will chop and change to try and hook you back in.

If you do not live together end it and block him from everything. If he appears at your home and work report him to the police every time. Plus tell others of his emotional abuse don't keep it secret any longer.

I'd advice therapy too. The freedom programme would help too there should be one in your area. Plus they do it online but better in person.

Good luck and keep venting here if you need to as when written down it's sobering to see and can give us a wake up call.

Still every single poster. Please talk to someone in RL op if you can.

crikey-run for the hills and quick. My DH has a short fuse and a few anger management issues but he looks like Mother theresa compared to this. can you imagine having a family with this guy with all the opportunities for stress/short fuse that bringsNope, me neither!!

His behaviour is in no way normal. I think you know this, deep down. No one deserves to be treated is such an awful way. Please get yourself out of this relationship as quickly as you can.

He's gaslighting you.

have serious doubts about marrying him. I spent the last few months being confused, depressed , feeling guilty , doubting myself and my sanity,

Just don't. You are right to have serious doubts about marrying this fuckwit. It's a great shame you are also doubting yourself, but I think you starting this thread is your turning point. It's time to take notice of your own instinct - is there even one good reason to continue this relationship a minute longer?

The choice is yours - either ruin the next bit of your life, or don't. Make a decision based on self-preservation, or one based on self-destruction. It's pretty clear those are the two choices.

Marry him? Dear God! You'd most likely have a better life if you walked into any public place and pointed at a random stranger and married them.

Why would you marry someone you already know is an arsehole?

Thank you all so much for the replies
I know that i can not marry this man , i just feel so weak some days. Today he messaged me to call him at work because "he is stressed". I replied that i can not , i usually use my break to call him (he wants me to call him at work every day, then he talks about his problems and if i try to reply he gets upset so i just sit there and listen and then he claims that i do nothing for him and he only wants me to call him so i can feel "involved"). Later i received few sweet messages how he loves me and how he missed me and how he cant wait to live with me. By the evening that turned to he just figured why he is so enraged lately and he almost killed someone on road rage today. Is the stress i put on him. He will"end up killing someone " because "i put so much stress on him" he " can not handle it anymore". So far it was his manager causing him the stress and "make him" be like this, today is me
Writting it down now i can see how ridiculous that sounds but while he is at it it affects me. Not that i believe what eh says but its just exhausting.

Apologies for all that i just need to vent. I need to find the strength to leave i dont even know why i haven't yet

If you marry him your life will be hell on earth. You will be worn down by him and in years to come will look back down your life and cry bitter tears at the years you've wasted in misery with an abusive cold hearted idiot, when you could have not married him broken away, and found a decent man eventually.

He's not your husband you don't have children. Are you scared to leave? It will be more scary if you stay. He is an aggressive abuser and will use you as his excuse for hating the world. HOW can you find such a person attractive in any way? Talk to Victim Support, get all the help you can to get you away from this man

Aside from that - he sounds an utter, utter pain in the arse it must be like having a Dementor around when he lands. Do yourself a favour break free and be thankful you had a lucky escape.. Hopefully the next woman unlucky enough to meet this bully will put him right in his fucking place. If the police don't arrest him first.

Can't stand these ball of anger men that actively seek out women to pester and scapegoat and destroy. The best place for them is under a bus. Not in your life

I'd be so tempted to make him look ridiculous. I'd want to text him back and ask, so what specific things that I am doing cause you stress? And then quote back to him what he says: 'so because you feel I don't do enough for you, you will kill a person?' 'because I forgot to call you at 11, you feel so upset that you might crash your car?'etc. Dumb it all down and collate what he says to really highlight the ludicrousness of it all.

In reality though - the only choice you have if you don't want to end up a quivering wreck of a person with no self esteem or quality of life, is to end it. Sorry if I've missed anything (3 hrs sleep ) but do you live with him? If not, there is nothing stopping you from ending it by email / text right now this second. The way he is behaving, he doesn't deserve the courtesy of a kind, face to face breakup. Then lock your doors, turn off your phone after too, as something tells me this wanker isn't going to go quietly. There's nothing to be gained from this relationship.

And sounds to me like you'll need more strength to stay than leave.

Please don't marry this man.

He sounds like my first husband. He once screamed at me for twenty minutes because I had tampons in my bag when it wasn't my period. The one time I wore clear nail varnish he called me a slot and accused me of cheating.

OP, what is your living situation? Do you live together, rented, mortgage?

You poor thing you!
I just want to see you free of this demon. Fancy demanding you spend your lunch break on the phone to him, he really needs to know that you're at his beck and call at all times.
Imagine what it would be like to be vulnerable with a baby in your arms, you could not expect any sympathy much less cherishing from this psycho.
What I'm trying to say is, LEAVE THIS MINUTE.

Artemiss, you might be surprised. My XH went quietly with no fight - but he had already moved on with the OW.

That was the other thing, he always needed to be desired by someone younger, so he felt good about himself (even if he paid for it). He threw away everything so easily.

I know the point in our relationship when I shouldn't of married him but did. We already had the DCs, and with two weeks to go to the wedding I didn't know how to stop it. I also knew that getting married secured my DCs and I future for when we inevitably did split up. How fucked up is that? Don't get married because you don't know how to say 'i'm not going to marry you because you treat me badly'.

Read those books, maybe look out a therapist for a few sessions (I found one on the counselling directory) and arm yourself with the confidence that you are doing the right thing.

OP - be prepared for a charm offensive when he realises that his control is slipping, even before your end it (and end it soon!) The 'nice guy' will be back in spades. Don't let it fool you; he will be reeling you back in by being lovely, charming, loving and nice. The texts will be lovey, there will probably be flowers and wine and restaurants, until you are back where he wants you to be - under his control, doubting yourself, bending over backwards to please him.

Get out now, delete and block. Get the police involved if you have to, but FGS don't put the rosy-spectacles back on!

Considering what you say about your mother I think you're doing brilliantly to have seen what this is all about, to be honest. No wonder it's difficult. You must have spent your whole childhood trying to please someone who would not allow themselves to be pleased by you (with the added confusion of a sibling who could please them, "proving" that it must be your fault). Some people shouldn't be allowed to have children. It was your misfortune to be born to one of them. It's not at all easy to break out of this conditioning, but you're doing it. Keep posting if it helps, and read those books! There are some really lovely men out there who you are not meeting while you are with Fuckwit. (I know, I gave birth to four of them myself!)

What are your living arrangements at the moment?

You need to leave, but you need to stay safe when you leave.

This man is dangerous and when you end the relationship will be the most dangerous time. I am not trying to scare you love but this is important. If he does anything then you contact the police. Talk to someone in real life, get yourself out safely and swiftly.

This man is dangerous. He is working up to being violent to you.

What practical barriers to you leaving are there?

You don't need to tell him face to face you're leaving by the way. In an normal relationship It's good etiquette to do it face to face but this does not apply here.

He is highly manipulative and dangerous. It's absolutely fine to tell him not to contact you again from a distance. He has treated you unspeakably badly. You don't owe him anything.