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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i am "manipulative", "cruel", a "liar" and i "lack empathy"

104 replies

Artemiss · 05/09/2017 23:56

Hello. DF changes from Jekill to Hyde and i have serious doubts about marrying him. I spent the last few months being confused, depressed , feeling guilty , doubting myself and my sanity, i even started thinking that i am all that he says that i am. But no one else ever had this opinion about me, the opposite. And if i am that bad why he stays with me? It doesnt make sense. He is thinking that he is some sort of martyr that he puts up with my crap because he loves me that much and i did believe that for long time.
The one side of him is the mr nice guy. He will be sweet , caring and say all the right things, how he loves me, how amazing i am ,how i always being there to support him, he wants me always by his side etc etc
And then is the other side. He gets overly angry over nothing, The little small tiny unimportant things will send him into rage. If i dare to complaint about something he starts braking things or going away to cool off. The problem is that i dont even manage to say one sentence before he reacts like this. Example yesterday i answered his call 3 minutes after he called. He said that i was too late and i should be there the time we agreed. I told him that this doesnt make sense and its just 3 minutes. He got so angry that he had to "cool off" Hmm Then started sending messages in capital letters "so i understand" telling me that i am ungrateful and nothing pleases me and that he is certain that i cause problems because i have a plan and probably i have another man here and i want his baby(?????). Then demanded an apology . And this is his mentality and behavior when he gets into this mood.Other times i can say half a sentense and he starts smashing things, usually when we are on phone but i can hear him. He blames me for everything and when i say that he is responsible for his own behavior he replies that i make him do it or that women arent to be trusted because their mentality changes with their moods
He also claims that i am a liar. Every time i have different opinion apparently i am a liar.
I am sure now that there is something wrong with him and not me but i would like some perspective please. When he is nice he is very nice and he claims that i change him and if i can only be nice he will go back to normal.By nice he means to say always yes and always agree with him

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 06/09/2017 07:09

Think: once you are married, he will own you (in his eyes). There will be no brake on his behaviour. No fear that you will leave, because he will have you under his roof, pregnant with his child, being cut off further and further each day from anyone you could have confided in. There will be nowhere to hide, no bolt hole as you have now. It's no good telling yourself that by marrying him you will prove your loyalty; you will have to prove yourself daily, and that by subsuming yourself totally to his wishes.

Basically, there is absolutely no way this will end well. The best way forward is to get out of this very bad relationship, the sooner the better. Let him go to search for a sweet, compliant companion who will never get ill, never have needs of her own, always answer the second he speaks, always agree, always be there whatever happens, have 100% of her attention focused on him, him, him. The local toy shop may be able to help with this because she sure as hell doesn't exist in real life. He would have been right at home in Stepford.

Footle · 06/09/2017 07:12

OP, there's another thread on Active just now, from the Divorce and Separation board. The title is "Help needed".
That's you a little further down the line.

AlternativeTentacle · 06/09/2017 07:12

yes, you need to tell him to fuck off, and never look back.

coriliavijvaad · 06/09/2017 07:14

Do not marry this emotionally abusive git. End it now. You are worth better than this.

Shakey15000 · 06/09/2017 07:22

He is awful. And shows all the classic, text book signs of being a controlling abuser. My (and 100%) of poster's advice would be to leave as soon as humanly possible.

DamnSummerCold · 06/09/2017 07:33

Run now and ran fast!

ClemDanfango · 06/09/2017 07:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

birdsdestiny · 06/09/2017 07:45

There has not been a single disagreement on this thread, everyone is saying the same, please listen. MN can be infuriating at times but the support it can offer in these situations is invaluable. There are lots of people on here and in RL who can help you.

thethoughtfox · 06/09/2017 09:59

There are not two sides to this man. There is one guy who is an abusive bully.

Original poster
Artemiss · 06/09/2017 14:32

Thank you all so much for the replies. Your posts verify what i have been thinking and i need to see this , it has to sink in my head. It took me long time to understand what is going on and stop feeling that somehow i am responsible for everything that goes wrong. As @Cavender suggests if i sit down to think the good things that he does i can probably list 3-4 and i am not even sure if they are real. If i think all the crazy situations , the intimidation, the rage i could write a whole book. For long time he messed with my head . He overreacts to anything, he even pretends to cry at times and telling me look what you did how can you do this to me. But all i do is disagree or say something that he doesnt like, always nice and polite . It still though affects me and i think i am a terrible person.Few days ago i said something i can not remember exactly but it wasnt major and he reacted by smashing his phone. Then blamed me for making him loose 700 quid . I had to listen to him for hours blaming me and at the end he was the "bigger person" "forgiving me". It actually helps to write all that because i can see the madness in it. dont know if i love him, i think i love the dreams we had and the life we were supposed to have but lately more and more i realize that it was all fake. It isnt easy for me .

Thank you again for the support, reading that more people have similar experiences and how crazy all that is , is very helpful

OP posts:
Offred · 06/09/2017 14:43

Stop trying to explain him.

He is abusive. Leave him.

I went through the cycle you describe with a man just like this. I was me in the beginning but his rages and cruelty and how he always indignantly and imaginatively blamed me for everything sent me into a spin, I spent years killing myself to always give him everything he wanted and be perfect and I became a hollowed out wreck of myself, it was like I didn't exist, and he still raged.

The good news is I reported him to the police who have been fab and taken it seriously.

Offred · 06/09/2017 14:48

And do you know what? I eventually realised no matter what I did he would rage while I was still with him but by that time I was so terrified of him that I felt I couldn't get away without reporting him to the police.

I reported him in march and I am almost back to being me. The relief of not having him in my life and knowing that he couldn't contact me or he would be arrested is immense.

Offred · 06/09/2017 14:49

So much of what you describe sounds like my ex, the rages, the breaking stuff, minor things setting him off, the manipulative crying, how he was always 'the bigger person'....

cueless · 06/09/2017 14:50

textbook narcissistic abuser. Run!

Offred · 06/09/2017 14:50

And the biggest thing - how nothing was ever, and I mean ever him doing something wrong

NameChange30 · 06/09/2017 14:51

He is abusive.

Please read these:
Signs of emotional abuse
The abuser profiles

And call Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247.

I also suggest that you talk to a supportive friend or family member about it. You must end the relationship and it will be much easier with real life support.

cueless · 06/09/2017 14:51

He is accusing you of the things he IS. this is called projecttion

FoxyinherRoxy · 06/09/2017 14:52

Have a look at Borderline Personality Disorder. There's a book called Walking on Eggshells which is well worth a read.

He sounds like my cunt if an XH. Cost me a fortune in therapy after our divorce. Don't put yourself through it.

Offred · 06/09/2017 14:53

Him cheating on me - 'it is my private business'
Him failing on a question on his a-level exam - the teacher was wrong and the question was stupid
Him trying to take his car into the safari park with a broken sunroof - the rules were stupid

StormTreader · 06/09/2017 14:59

Everything he does isnt because he really believes it or feels it, its all because he enjoys the effect it has on YOU. He wants you to feel beaten down and responsible for all the horrible things because when youre that low, you'll accept and forgive any horrible behaviour from him just to try and get him to say you arent that bad.

He likes you best when youre on the floor, emotionally destroyed and crying, because it makes him feel in control and powerful over you. You might want to think about why you would want to be with someone like that.

Original poster
Artemiss · 06/09/2017 15:00

And the biggest thing - how nothing was ever, and I mean ever him doing something wrong
That, i noticed it too and its exhausting. Its like he can not stand the though that does anything wrong and goes into rage to make me apologize and admit my "fault". Never never never does or say anything wrong.
Even if i make a random comment ,that has nothing to do with him, like i am not feeling well today, the reply is along the lines "well it isnt me, i did not make you feel this way". Or i can watch a movie and make a comment for the character in it and he will take it as somehow is for him (???) and rush to get upset
As for the times that he "cares " to know what bothered me , is only so he can prove to me that "is all in my head", "i am delusional" and "i have lost touch with reality to the extent that i dont know what is real and whats not"
@Offred its great that you got rid of this man , i hope i will do the same soon

OP posts:
Original poster
Artemiss · 06/09/2017 15:03

@ AnotherEmma Thank you for the links i will have a proper look as soon as return home from work
@ FoxyinherRoxy Thank you for the suggestion, i already ordered the "why does he do that" i will add this too in the list

OP posts:
SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 06/09/2017 15:06

OP, read your post back.

If somebody else had written it, what you would tell them to do?

Original poster
Artemiss · 06/09/2017 15:12

@StormTreader
Yes i have though many times why i accept all that because if it was a friend i would tell them to get the hell out long time ago. I think it has to do with the way i was brought up, i had a lot of emotional abuse and intimidation from my mother who was great to my sibling and the opposite to me. In the past i would cling to anyone who could offer me some love, i am nowhere near like that anymore but i still have low self esteem issues. I think that and the confusion and guilt he created in me are the reasons that i stayed with him. And of course the dreams for the amazing life which we are planning to have (well ,were planning as i know it will be a huge mistake to carry on)

OP posts:
ravenmum · 06/09/2017 15:12

Assumed from the title that this was a marriage gone sour after many years. But it's your fiancé?! The marriage hasn't even taken place? Stuff that.

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