Bullied into contact with his own child?

[thatdimwitmakesmemad]

I have a terrible relationship with ExDH

We have tried to be amicable. Just not possible.

I told him I don't want any contact bar the basics and emergency contact re DS (4)

We have had an arrangement in place where he had him at weekends and I had him during the week. It's lasted about a year...

Several fallouts. Every time we fall out he refuses to see DS until we sort things out.

I've just had a text that says "I'm feeling bullied into having contact with xxxxx and you're emotionally blackmailing me"

What I had said was... I don't want a relationship with you however he does and every time you refuse to see him he is upset by this. It's him you hurt not me.

He's refusing to see DS or speak until we are amicable. I've lost all respect for him as a human being now but he is DS father and DS is pretty damn gutted and confused why he cannot call daddy or stay with him suddenly

If I go amicable... which I have done previously... there will be another fallout eventually and yet more refusal to see his son.

WTF do I do?

You stick to your guns, continue to offer contact but accept you cannot control his decision to act like a piece of shit by abandoning his child.

But it really sucks. What a wankbadger!

What do I tell DS?

Last week he could call daddy whenever he liked, was looking forward to the weekend at daddy's, daddy is tbh fucking Disney dad... in DS eyes it's me saying no.

Whereas I've virtually begged the man to act like a dad!

I honestly would tell him daddy says he's too busy to see you this weekend.
Then arrange to do something fun and happy together with your DS instead.

I would not be the bad guy nor would I risk my own relationship with my child to arse cover for a shitty heartless parent.

My ex was like this would manufacture arguments to have an excuse not to see dd.

I'm 14 years down the line and honestly I wish I'd let him disappear then, just not risen to any of it and let him phase out dds life.

What would happen if your DS called anyway. Would your DH refuse to talk to him? Which would be awful. Or would he act like a human being and speak to his son. Probably not worth the risk?

I had fucking fertility treatment to create this child with him! He knew he was signing up to fatherhood

I've done mediation in the past to get him to see him.

I've done way too much. I'm so angry I can barely contain it tonight. Thankfully DS is asleep and I've the night to compose myself and think!

@couchparsnip he has. It's gone to voicemail and I've been accused of using DS to manipulate him

Previously. Not this time

If your ds wants to ring and leave a message I think you should help him to do so.

Poor lad.

I would be saying that his dad has said he can't have him and you don't know why, but if he wants he can ring or send a card. I might also explain that some adults aren't good at being parents, but that isn't the child's fault. Then I would keep him busy with nice activities (and stick pins in a photo of your ex after bedtime).

So he says its you manipulating - not that his son wants to speak to him. Wanker.

I would do as above and not be the bad guy if possible. Daddy's busy.

Ugh, what a hideous piece of scum. Your poor DS. :( How dare he use a 4 year old to manipulate you and hurt his own precious child in the process?!

Hold your head high, knowing that DS will sadly learn the truth and always know that his mum tried to facilitate contact.

So sorry. I don't know why but your post really got to me. He sounds just so hideous.

He's the one emotionally blackmailing you. None so blind...

I agree with Northumbrian, stick to your guns and don't let him manipulate you.

And as fuzzy says, don't arse cover for him. Tell DS his dad says he's too busy to see him this weekend.

He phoned last week to chat about a problem he had. Asked what was up with me as I seemed stressed. I said I didn't want to talk but then I told him something that I shouldn't have about my own private life. Ultimately I revealed I had sex with someone by what I said. I apologised immediately as it was inappropriate and unfair. He was nice enough, sympathetic even...then he processed and became angry. I apologised again and again and again (for telling him indirectly, not for my actions, we are divorcing and have been separated some years. He left the home when DS was a baby) then received tons of threats. Some of which have been carried out... humiliating me basically telling my family and friends that I have had sex with someone and what happened I was upset about. It shouldn't matter but I didn't wish to tell my parents!

I said if the threats don't stop I cannot send DS. Threats continued and became more frightening and promising a big showdown. Didn't send DS as I was getting absolutely bombarded with them. Message upon message. Obsessively.

Contacted the next day to say DS wants to see you can we sort out for him. He refused. More ripping me to shreds. Telling me I'm scum and disgusting.

Waited several days. Contacted again to say please see DS this weekend...this drama began.

We cannot be friends. He gets angry about my choices. And whilst this wasn't the best choice I have ever made as I was upset about something that occurred... it shouldn't have mattered to him. He bloody filed the divorce! He left!

I told a male friend the full story tonight and he said I bought it upon myself refusing contact when he was threatening me and had no right to refuse to send DS. Plus ExDH wasn't actually being violent just embarrassing me and he wasn't going to harm his child

I feel like absolute shit.

However it's not the first time. It's about the 9th time he's refused contact with DS based on being upset with me.

Not sure if this means IABU but want honest advice. Friend has thrown me. Hung up on him.

I fucked up. But I will always fuck up in contact with this man...

I sound like I'm in a soap! I'm sorry for dripfeed. I just need to figure out what's right for DS.

a) dump the "friend"
b) talk to the police about his harrassement and threatening behaviour (keep all messages)
c) dont discuss ANYTHING with him ever again. If he calls when he doesnt have DS, dont answer. Insist on text or email contact only and do not answer to any other form of communication
d) get used to the idea that once he realises that he cant punish you with your child he will probably stop seeing him altogeher.

Ex did this and when he crawled back full of apologies 10 years later DD told him to fuck off.

You poor thing, he sounds like he wants to keep on punishing you through DS to make you pay for whatever it was that you did.

He will almost certainly never understand that it's not YOU he's punishing, but his own son. Because he knows that by upsetting your son, he is upsetting YOU - goal achieved. Son = collateral damage.

He's a disgusting toerag and so is your friend for not understanding, so dump him off your friends list too.

What do you do - write him an email and say that you will no longer speak to him on the phone but will only engage via email or text. That the contact with him will ONLY be in relation to when he sees your son and you will not be answering any questions that do not relate directly to your son and his wellbeing. Say that you wish to keep things civil for your son's sake but you are not prepared to allow your ex to trample all over both of you out of petty revenge. Tell him that if he wishes to see his son then he needs to stop throwing tantrums every time he feels put out about something because his son will soon learn to stop wanting to see him, as Daddy refuses to come.

Or something like that.

Your personal life is not his concern, unless and until it directly and adversely affects your son. So stop telling him ANY personal details. None. Don't even answer if he asks how you are - just say "fine" and move on. If he continues to badger you for answers, then hand the phone to your son.

So sorry he's such a twat - especially hard for your DS. :(

And, find a way of teaching your son that his father is unreliable. It is not bad-mouthing his father, just in a consoling way, if you get what I mean. All fathers and mothers are imperfect, and his father's imperfection is this.

Dump the friend. Don't confide anything important to anyone unless experience has shown you that they are respectful.

You didn't bring it upon yourself. Your ex isn't behaving in a normal manner. I'm not surprised you worried about them having contact when your ex was being emotionally abusive.

Play hardball. Tell him he's the parent of your child and if he wishes to shirk his responsibility to his son, that's his choice. You understand it's easier for him to blame you rather then face up to his parental responsibilities. What ever happens you personally not tolerate his emotionally abusive behaviour to you and will personally seek low contact to minimise.

But also your son might actually be better off without such an abusive damaging person in his life.

Can you only have contact when he's on his best behaviour?

I don't think you should be having any conversations or relationship with him period OP as
Look what happened when you disclosed data ! This needs a new era where you are text only . Factual and start a diary

He is emotionally manipulating you as
He knows that his withdrawal of affection to your son hurts you

Don't play the game . Stop the relationship and don't give him any fuel

And then he needs to make his own decisions about his child and what he wants

It's very very hard xxx

You need to log his behaviour with police. He's harassing you.
He's also using contact with DS as a way of controlling your behaviour and making you be nice to him.
He's toxic. You need to cut contact with him. It will then be up to him as to whether he actually want s parental relationship with his son

Is it possible to get ds his own super basic phone just for ex to ring him on?

He sounds like a cunt.

Do you really want your 4 year old to have a relationship with him? I did it with dd. Blocked all contact with her dad when she was 4. He still saw her eow when it suited him. Hasn't seen him for 6/7 months now. She is 13 and is the happiest she has ever been. I wish I had stopped it when she was younger. She has only just had the confidence to stop it herself.

If I were you I would get my solicitor to write stating that the messages have to stop. That your ds will be collected and returned from your parents or a friend. That he will be available on these days and these times and the only contact you want is to confirm or change these arrangements.

And then leave it. Explain to your ds that daddy isn't being kind and you don't know what is happening at the moment. That is all you can do.

If this is how he is carrying on 4 yeara after he left it isn't going to get better.

Your ds is far too young to contact his dad on his own at the moment. You need some legal help.
At 4, i don't think you will be able to step away from their relationship entirely, particularly as exH is so volatile.

Hang on a second.
Your latest post puts a totally different angle on this.

You told him about sex with someone else?
Then when things get nasty. You threaten him with not being able to see his child.

So, that is 2 major things.

No one is denying he is behaving disgracefully.

But that info makes you seem just as bad.

No it doesn't Oblomov

OP told him that she didn't want to talk but he insisted. Remember that he was treating her like a friend, as he was the one to leave the marital home and file for divorce.

I think he tricked her into revealing information that he could use against her.

He is now threatening her which is illegal.

It is very irresponsible for you to tell a woman who is being abused that she is as bad as her abuser.

Why is it bad to talk about her having sex with someone else? They are no longer in a relationship, OP can have sex with whoever she likes and tells whoever she likes about it. As it happens she told him inadvertently and then he used the information to humiliate her. I don't see why she is 'just as bad'.