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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Bullied into contact with his own child?

42 replies

thatdimwitmakesmemad · 05/09/2017 23:50

I have a terrible relationship with ExDH

We have tried to be amicable. Just not possible.

I told him I don't want any contact bar the basics and emergency contact re DS (4)

We have had an arrangement in place where he had him at weekends and I had him during the week. It's lasted about a year...

Several fallouts. Every time we fall out he refuses to see DS until we sort things out.

I've just had a text that says "I'm feeling bullied into having contact with xxxxx and you're emotionally blackmailing me"

What I had said was... I don't want a relationship with you however he does and every time you refuse to see him he is upset by this. It's him you hurt not me.

He's refusing to see DS or speak until we are amicable. I've lost all respect for him as a human being now but he is DS father and DS is pretty damn gutted and confused why he cannot call daddy or stay with him suddenly

If I go amicable... which I have done previously... there will be another fallout eventually and yet more refusal to see his son.

WTF do I do?

OP posts:

IggyAce · 06/09/2017 08:11

New phone new number, only use your old phone for ex and only turn it on when your child is with him. Send email stating all contact is thru this email address only and you will only discuss contact with your son and his wellbeing.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 06/09/2017 08:13

If I was being harassed daily by the father off my child, damn right I wouldnt send my child either. Ex is obviously unstable.

Op, you didnt do anything wrong in sleeping with someone else, so dont feel shit for it. With your ex, ignore him and tell your DS that his dad is too busy to have him. He wants you to dance to his tune, so dont.

MiraiDevant · 06/09/2017 08:42

What is he threatening you with?
Are you threatening him with not seeing his son? Or is that OK?

Why is it ok to do as pps suggested and tell your son that his daddy doesn't want to see him (so that you don't look like the bad guy - to a FOUR year old!)
Will you also tell DS that you stopped his visit last time because daddy wasn't happy about something you did?

This child needs to know that his parents love him. Both of them. He is not bargaining chip.

By the way my adult /teen DCs have recently given me a very hard time over the occasions when I was less than complimentary about their father. Rightly. My DD in particular was furious. My DS got anxious as his dad was the only real role model he had. We really tried and access was never, ever denied or forced.

Their dad got married recently and they were all at the wedding. He wanted it, they wanted it. And when DD had a formal graduation ceremony she wanted both her proud parents there. Both of us. Think ahead a think of your son.

Namechangeblock · 06/09/2017 09:07

Do what you can to shield your son from his dad's bad behaviour at the moment -ultimately your aim is to protect him, and him being told his dad can't be bothered with him will seriously damage his self-esteem. Tell him something like his dad is really busy with work, but wants to see him and you'll get it sorted really soon. And then get it sorted.

You need not to have a personal relationship with this man at all, because he's going to try to manipulate you, but look at your own behaviour too - when you withhold contact you hurt your son. So send a brief email to ex, tell given recent events you will now only communicate by email, and only about arrangements for your son and stick to that. Make it clear when your son will be available for contact, and make sure he is available. Play the stuck record and engage with NOTHING else. It was the only way I was able to manage my exH, but it did work. Ultimately if he wants to see his son, he'll eventually take up the contact. And don't be tempted to go back to phone calls, all emails only - and no personal details.

Finally, when I was going through my divorce a very wise woman told me that I must always be positive about my ex to the DC - that anything less was damaging to them. It's not enough to not bad mouth him, talk positively about him when you can and then run and scream Ina cupboard afterwards if needs be ultimately your DC's feelings about himself are bound up with how he feels about his dad, and you want to protect him. And the best way for a child to learn their father is a prick is by seeing it for themselves - if you tell DC ex is a prick it'll encourage defensive feelings towards him.

It's not easy, but you can make this better

Aeroflotgirl · 06/09/2017 09:31

It sounds like your ex does not want to see him, stop encouraging contact, and leave the ball in his court. It is damaging for your ds to have somebody like that who is constantly letting him down and in and out of his life. I would tell your ex, to contact when he's grown up enough to be a father to his son. Leave it, if ex wants contact, he can go through the courts, it might be better that way. Somehow I don't think he will make the effort. Keep conversations to your ex short and professional.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/09/2017 09:35

Be positive about him, in time when your ds is older, he will work out for himself what an arse his father is.

Handsfull13 · 06/09/2017 09:44

I agree with some pp, don't push him to have contact but also don't stop him if he wants it just because he is being an arsehole. If it then goes to court one day you can prove you have done as much as you can to promote the relationship and not used your son against him like he has to you.
It's going to be hard on your son but he will soon learn daddy is unreliable and not always there.

newdaylight · 06/09/2017 09:50

I'm confused as to why your son can't ring him. It's not you saying he can't have contact, it's him, do let your son ring him and let your ex explain why he's not seeing him.

Also be honest with your son, don't cover for him. Tell your son his dad is saying no

MNHQ

LornaMumsnet · 06/09/2017 09:50

Hi folks,

We're just sending this over to relationships at the OP's request.

newdaylight · 06/09/2017 09:51

I misread for some reason, I thought ds was 11

As he's 4 it does make it a bit more difficult

Isetan · 06/09/2017 11:07

In light of your last post, you need to accept who he is and detach from him. Contact is limited to contact with your son and should be restricted to written forms of communication.

You can not make him have a healthy relationship with his son but what you can do, is stop letting the hope that he will, pull you back into behaviour that leaves you open to his bullying. The best thing you can do for your son is support your son when he's unreliable.

Detach, detach, detach and log all contact and consult the police, when he crosses the line.

Original poster

thatdimwitmakesmemad · 06/09/2017 11:38

To clarify yes I withheld contact after repeatedly saying if threats continued (phone kept buzzing) I would not be able to

Everytime I asked him to stop...More was sent. I had said if it stopped DS could go. It didn't stop which is why DS didn't go.

I've offered contact since and been refused. He's decided any contact he has in the future even if I was amicable will now be 24hrs less at the least (woke up to this text)

I wish I had never had that conversation with him but I can't undo it. I apologised. It's my reason for not wanting to attempt to be friendly... which he wants oddly after a hate campaign to humiliate and shame me

He wouldn't hurt DS but had he seen me that day I do think DS would have watched and heard an almighty shouting match and been scared

This is ongoing. I am accused of blackmailing him emotional if I facilitate phone contact when he's upset. It's happened several times. I've told him it upsets DS (In the past) and his attitude is that it serves me right to cope with upset DS and I'm harming him (exH) by telling him DS is upset

He just doesn't want to be DS dad does he?

I actually think he wants to stop contact and skip back into his life when DS is an adult now

OP posts:

RedRoseGirl · 06/09/2017 12:44

I think you have had a terrible time and he sounds truly horrible.

I wouldn't speak to him at all apart from to handover anything medically relevant as nothing else needs to be said.Period.
I have not spoken a word to my ex in over 5 years and only communicate to change contact.

Get a different phone number for him only and only check it once a day or once a week etc encase he messages you to cancel.

You either trust him to have contact and therefore dont say you will withold it if he threatens you. Or you dont trust him and need to look at other contact options - supervised, back to court etc.

Withdraw and do not communicate with him at all. If you currently have a court order that is to make child " available" for contact only. If he doesnt turn up then as pp have said looking back at my own experience everyone would have been happier if I hadnt pushed contact and let it dwindle . Be kind to yourself and use any real life support you have too.

chockwockydoda · 06/09/2017 12:54

Been there done this. Selfish sob doesn't want to be a parent he just wants to make your life difficult. Don't contact him again. Take your son out for the day distraction distraction distraction. Next week he won't remember. He's 4. 4 year olds live in the now. Don't let him ruin your life being on edge waiting for him. Get on with it. If he doesn't ever call ever again thank your lucky stars

SandyY2K · 06/09/2017 13:18

I think third party contact would be best for you. Have a contact centre of an intermediary to facilitate access for DS.

I'm not sure why he threatened you after humiliating you, but perhaps at that point you could have had him collect DS while a third party was present....that would have eliminated the threat and provided a witness.

You did mess up by discussing your personal life with him though. He's not a friend of yours.

WorkingBling · 06/09/2017 13:27

He's a horrible person. And you absolutely need to stop talking to him about anything except DS. however, I do think you need to stop withholding contact for DS and him when you and he are fighting. That doesn't help. Unless his threats were towards DS, you should have been able to separate that out from his relationship with you.

Having said all that, he sounds like a real manipulative piece of work who has no compunctions about hurting DS.

cueless · 06/09/2017 13:29

Be like a grey rock, motionless, boring and unattractive. He will eventually leave you alone. Your only control is not to play the game.

Don't speak to him about anything else than contacts with DS, as he is using everything to bully you.

You can't force him to have contact with DS if he does not want too. Part of me also wonder if DS would not be better off without him (after the hurt of his dad's rejection, which I understand you would prefer to avoid). But ultimately DS will be modelling his Behaviour on an emotionally abusive dad if contact carries on.

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