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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it odd to meet abusive DH 's ex fiance ?

62 replies

Curtains77 · 05/09/2017 23:12

Promise to keep it short as MN has given me great advice before ;
DH and I had a separation for 5 months after he was increasingly abusive which resulted in being arrested for assault. Separation seemed to give him a reality check, he went to counselling, so did I, and we have reconciled. His behaviour us definately improved , but I feel quite confused and occasionally frustrated at our lack of happiness. I feel we hate coming round full circle- can't quite put my finger on it.
Someone on here recommended the Lundy Bancroft book and it is mesmerising but it has made me wonder about his ex - I find it hard to talk about anything with anyone as I feel that everyone has their opinion on our marriage and we were exposed and I felt very vulnerable to people's opinions but I now feel i want to talk to her - she may well be the only person who truly understands where I am. I thought hearing her side of their relationship might shed some light on my marriage. Is this a weird idea? Has anyone ever done this before ? Any thoughts greatly appreciated xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Curtains77 · 05/09/2017 23:14

I have made initial contact with her and she is happy to meet and I don't want to burden her - she has clearly moved on. But I have never met her - would you think I was crazy if you were her ?

OP posts:
another20 · 05/09/2017 23:24

Assume your DH doesnt know - what would happen if he found out?

Can you trust her? What could she do with this info?

You already know the situation you dont need this person to validate your real feelings.

But if your feel this is the momentum you need to push you or justify to separate (because this is really what you are seeking) then carry on.

merville · 05/09/2017 23:34

I don't know if I'm 'normal' but if a current gf/partner of my abusive (not physically abusive just for accuracy) wanted to speak to me to find out about my experience with him .. I would be very happy to help her.

It's v hard to see the woods for the tress when you're in a relationship like that - they make you doubt yourself, it's their MO. Sometimes the best person to clarify that it 'isn't you' is someone who's been in a relationship with that same person.

Original poster
Curtains77 · 05/09/2017 23:36

Thank you for replying x no , of course dh does not know -i am not sure what he would make of it. He has always told me various things about her, from his point of view, but other things and snippets over the ten years we have been together have made me wonder . For instance; He said once when he accused her of cheating and they were arguing she was getting so wound up he 'put her in the bath and put the shower on' whatever that means. If he was abusive with her, then the chance that this reconciliation is doomed I think
Truthfully, I don't know her at all but my gut instinct is I can trust her. She has nothing to gain from this . I feel so confused about things feel i am going a bit mad and this might give me some perspective maybe?

OP posts:
Original poster
Curtains77 · 05/09/2017 23:40

Merville - yes you say that much more clearly than me! And she does seem happy to help if she can from the tone if her messages. And yes another20 I think you may be right about the momentum. He is mostly being so nice one minute and angry the next-perhaps that is it. My gut feeling of him is wary. And she is the only d other person that might understand.

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RedastheRose · 06/09/2017 00:25

She may not want to talk to you, however if she does her experience of him may actually let you know whether he is a serial abuser. It doesn't sound like you are happy and perhaps the effort he is now making is happening too late to really make you want to stay in the relationship. If you aren't happy you don't have to stay with him it's ok to be done with someone when you just can't get over what has happened in the past.

Lipsy21 · 06/09/2017 01:39

@curtains77 I don't think you're crazy. I can totally relate. I spoke to my then partner's ex. He had a child with her. So I had to at some points talk with her. But when things went bad I actually turned to her. Because as you say those close were opinionated, biased towards me and just wanted to protect me. They hated him for hurting me so many times and they were fed up. So going to someone who had been in a relationship with him, who had been in my position was good. I felt so open to tell her everything and she listened.
Then she told me all her crazy stories and I was gobsmacked by a lot of it. She wasn't shocked by my stories.

We spoke for ages and she kept me sane for a while. She had moved on too. Then I basically had a huge fight with him one night he got abusive and was up to his old tricks (drug dealing, smoking weed, lying).
I kicked him out and for a week never spoke to him. I said a lot of nasty things to her about him and even she was at a point where she said to leave him as history was repeating itself and he wouldnt change.

Then boom, we got back and sorted things. She then got angry at me and said I was wssting her time each time I came to her. I then realised she had a lot of hatred and resentment towards him. She also lied about many things she told me about him. In a way she was enjoying telling me all this bad stuff and loving watching me scramble and his relationship fail.
She then turned on me and started to say iwas mentally unstable to take him back and even stopped his child (who I adore and she adores me) from coming round for a while.

All became very toxic. So be very careful with this ex especially if kids are involved. Also an ex will always harbour resentment snd never really speak highly of the person especially if they've been abusive.

Sometimes the past is better in the past and leaving it that way. Better to focus on the future. You have to ask yourself if this person is worth the stress?

Good luck dear. I know your pain. X

Lipsy21 · 06/09/2017 01:41

He also sounds partially sociopathic, unstable moods etc. Look into his childhood too.

Seeingadistance · 06/09/2017 02:02

It's now 10 years since I left my abusive husband and he has since remarried. We have a son, so I see his new wife from time to time, and we get on ok.

If she wanted to meet with me for a chat, then I would agree to meet. I would want to do more listening than talking, at least initially to get an idea of what was going on and what was worrying her. If I could see patterns of behaviour that were repeating in their relationship, then I would tell her more about what had happened when I was married to him.

AcrossthePond55 · 06/09/2017 03:34

If she's willing to meet with you, I'd do it if I were you. If someone had wanted to talk to me about my exH, I would have been willing to talk AND to be honest.

But I do think you need to think about the likelihood of your H finding out about it. And what his reaction would be.

But in a way, I think you already know the answers. And I think you already know what you want to do.

thatdimwitmakesmemad · 06/09/2017 03:45

If you want to stay with him - don't do it

If you want to be persuaded enough to leave and can if given enough ammo - I would

Original poster
Curtains77 · 06/09/2017 06:24

Redastherose - Thank you x lipsy21 that's a fascinating story - anazibg. I Have never met her before and they do not have kids together. I has not even thought of how that could potentially turn sour and am sad for you it did. I suspect anger can be a long-term effect of abuse. I understand better the implications - but you understand exactly what I mean - Thank you x acrossthepond and seeingthedistance - thank you exactly - it's a how I think I would be if shoe was on other foot. I think she sees I mean no harm and why I an contacting her. And dimwit - lovibg your simplicity YES ! Good point x thanks all for replies-good to know iam not completely nuts. I have a better idea of possible consequences now - you are all amazeballs 😀

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TempusEejit · 06/09/2017 09:27

I would welcome it if my exH's partner contacted me simply because exH was so charming and outwardly lovely that I spent many years suffering emotional and financial abuse because I had no other reference points to realise just how disfunctional our relationship was.

I think if you just keep it to the one meeting with her you should be fine. You don't want to involve her any more than that or you might be storing up trouble if you do decide to try reconciliation with your H. She's not someone to befriend (not at this stage at least), the situation with her is more "the enemy of my enemy is my friend" rather than her wanting the best for you iyswim.

cueless · 06/09/2017 09:36

I would only meet her once I have left him.
Abuse is a cycle. It repeats itself. sometimes this cycle can last a few years. My dada did a lot of therapy. Things improved but he has not fully changed.

verbaIkint · 06/09/2017 09:40

I've done this. Turned to the ex with whom he has a child with. At first she was lovely and told me her experiences with him, violence emotional and financial abuse Seems he reserved the sexual abuse for me the bastard.

It turned sour after he was arrested for a number of things that he did to me and I gave evidence. He got a lengthy prison sentence.

The ex? She's now back with him after visiting him in prison and is now telling everyone he is the victim and it was all me.

Basically be careful... From that moment I decided anything to do with him was the enemy and to try utilise other support, rather than those with a connection. They share a child too so his ex may be in denial or even ashamed she had a baby with him.

cueless · 06/09/2017 10:52

verbaIkint that's so fucked up.
I know if he suspected I contacted one of his ex (many) he would go ballistic. I don't fancy a good beating.

MorrisZapp · 06/09/2017 11:00

He's already told you he abused her, the shower thing is terrifying. He's already assaulted you. You say nobody else understands but we all understand, the author of the book you read understands and the police and social services etc see this behaviour as so common and predictable it might as well be from a script.

I doubt there's any harm in meeting up with her once if you think it might help to give you the push to leave him, but if what you want is a club of women who love this abuser then I think it could be very unhealthy.

GrockleBocs · 06/09/2017 11:09

I met my ex's next long term partner just after he'd left her. He hadn't changed and I think it helped both of us. It was chance that brought us into contact for a short while but it did show us that we weren't unreasonable.

cueless · 06/09/2017 11:26

He is abusive to you. That is easy to spell out.
Whether he was abusive before is irrelevant to some extent.
You need to save your skin first!

Gilead · 06/09/2017 12:18

I want to do this but have no hope of finding her. I do know that everything he's telling his new gf about me is everything he told me about his ex fiancee.
Good luck!

Offred · 06/09/2017 14:33

I'm not sure what it would achieve?

I think really you are still doing the thing that all victims of abuse do in trying to 'explain' him.

You don't need any explanation of him beyond he was arrested for assaulting you.

It was mad to get back with him.

Original poster
Curtains77 · 06/09/2017 15:35

I don't know - so many many sad stories . So sorry that happened to you verbalkint bit thank you for talking about it - it's a cautionary note. Tempus and Morris - I don't want a club , I don't need a friend as such - it's more to see if it is not just me and see if it is cyclical as Cueless said. Offred tbh I don't know what I am trying to achieve really. Like I said , we have never met and they do not any connection now- no children etc. It is just us and would stay between us. I am certainly going to be more cautious now - interesting some people have, some not - may still chicken out !

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Original poster
Curtains77 · 06/09/2017 15:37

I am aware I might be just truing to hope that he could be one of the tiny minority that change. I know it's very rare - but I can't help it. If there is really no hope i will leave obvs x

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Offred · 06/09/2017 15:39

He assaulted you.

You should already know that this means there is a problem with him.

You also already know that he abused her too, he's told you about one of the times he assaulted her.

You are just fixating on this as a way to put off the inevitable.

Offred · 06/09/2017 15:40

When someone has assaulted you there is no hope. You also already know that he assaulted his ex fiancé so this is a pattern. It is how he is in relationships.