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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it odd to meet abusive DH 's ex fiance ?

62 replies

Curtains77 · 05/09/2017 23:12

Promise to keep it short as MN has given me great advice before ;
DH and I had a separation for 5 months after he was increasingly abusive which resulted in being arrested for assault. Separation seemed to give him a reality check, he went to counselling, so did I, and we have reconciled. His behaviour us definately improved , but I feel quite confused and occasionally frustrated at our lack of happiness. I feel we hate coming round full circle- can't quite put my finger on it.
Someone on here recommended the Lundy Bancroft book and it is mesmerising but it has made me wonder about his ex - I find it hard to talk about anything with anyone as I feel that everyone has their opinion on our marriage and we were exposed and I felt very vulnerable to people's opinions but I now feel i want to talk to her - she may well be the only person who truly understands where I am. I thought hearing her side of their relationship might shed some light on my marriage. Is this a weird idea? Has anyone ever done this before ? Any thoughts greatly appreciated xx

OP posts:
Applebloom · 06/09/2017 16:41

OP if a stranger assaulted you would you be looking to see if he'd assaulted anyone before you condemned the strangers behaviour or would focus on healing oneself and getting justice so that that man wouldn't assault another.

Gathering info on his abusive past won't change the facts that he did abuse and assault you.
I understand you may feel if he's done it before he was with you then he's the one with the problem and nothing you have done in past or future can change his abusive behaviour.
Deep down you know you are not to blame he choose to hurt you he made that decision all on his own.

SandyY2K · 06/09/2017 17:13

Go for it.

Lipsy..the abuse you suffered was real. His ex didn't lie about that.

To be honest I can see where she was coming from. You went back to relationship .... You weren't lying about the abuse ...why do you think she was.

Original poster
Curtains77 · 06/09/2017 21:39

Offred - I understand and I appreciate the clarity with which you make your point x and appl3bloom yes you are probably right. Deep down I probably know it - interesting as I can't shake this sinking feeling. It has everything to do with how I feel not so much how he acts now - I just can't put it behind me like he has . Thanks everyone - thank you for sharing - it makes me feel less alone . I appreciate it xx

OP posts:
Offred · 06/09/2017 21:50

Have you seen the cycle of abuse?

Of course he's being nice now. You left him and now he's back he is on best behaviour.

That sinking feeling will probably never leave all the time you stay with him, no matter who he behaves, it will turn into walking on eggshells to try and avoid situations where he might 'snap' and assault you again. He will eventually do it again anyway but he will be emotionally abusive in the meantime, trading on the fact you know that he has assaulted you before.

5 months is not enough time for him to have changed from a serial abuser into a non-abusive partner and more importantly now he has abused and assaulted you staying with him means you will lock both of you into a pattern of abuse.

He now knows that even if he assaults you, even if you call the police, you will eventually take him back after a short time of a token effort. For what reason would he give up all the power that gives him?

Patchouli666 · 06/09/2017 21:52

You can't put it behind you like he has because it's not him in receipt if the fear and worry is it. It's not the same for you both to over on from at all!

stubbornstains · 06/09/2017 22:00

Thing is, offred, abusive relationships can leave you doubting yourself - that's what abusers do. A common "side effect" of abuse is to think that nobody will believe you about what he's like, that everybody else thinks he's great. He has a side that he reserves just for you....so maybe it's just you, that you provoke it somehow? Some abusers will tell you that it's something that you bring out in them, uniquely. And to talk to someone who knows, who can tell you that it isn't just you, can be invaluable.

I've pondered on this question a lot, and found Lundy Bancroft's advice to talk to your abuser's exes revolutionary, and pretty liberating. Why? Because, as a victim of abuse, it somehow feels that you're under a vow of silence. You almost feel that, sometimes, you can't physically speak. Because it's so shocking, and after all, who would believe you? And this is just reinforced by the perception that mature adults just keep it all to themselves and don't blab in public.

For these reasons I think it's invaluable to at least consider communicating, if the opportunity is there- although this thread does demonstrate that sometimes there are pitfalls. I have sent a message, through a mutual friend, to the partner of one of my abusers (they split up, but subsequently got back together) that she is welcome to come and talk to me if she wants. I wish so much that my predecessor with that particular man had felt willing to do the same.

Offred · 06/09/2017 22:05

I know that but TBH it is impossible to be emotionally healthy when you are still with the abuser.

First principle of healing is to make yourself safe.

This man has already told the OP that he assaulted his ex fiancé. He has told her in some detail how he did it. The op hasn't taken this seriously and wants to meet the ex to 'find out' if he abused her too. In all likelihood the reasons why she hasn't taken notice of what he has done to her and what he has described doing to his ex are the same reasons why speaking to her may not puncture the delusion.

The priority is leaving him and being physically and psychologically safe. Then talk to the ex if you feel it will help bring closure IMO.

WinnieTheMe · 06/09/2017 22:06

Not read the whole thread, but I wanted to say that I once had a message out of the blue from the gf of my v abusive ex. I didn't mind at all, and I think we really helped each other - together we could see the patterns we'd not been able to figure out on our own, she left him, and got a restraining order and it gave me a lot of closure.

On the other hand, I'm not sure how I'd have felt if she'd got in touch, got me to spill my guts about some horrific stuff and then gone back to him, IYSWIM.

kittybiscuits · 06/09/2017 22:07

You know exactly who he is. You know what feelings and responses you have to him and they are not and cannot be wrong. I think you want to have someone else who knows him validate your feelings. Probably you don't fully trust yourself to know what you know. I understand that completely because people like him leave you not knowing which way is up. It's okay to talk to her. There is a bit of me also waiting for that call and I would be truthful. Maybe it will settle your self doubt.

Offred · 06/09/2017 22:10

(You can see that in action with lipsy TBH. She used the ex to get out her frustration, got back with her abuser and painted the ex as a crazy liar when TBH she was simply pointing out the absolutely bleeding obvious)

Shankarankalina · 06/09/2017 22:14

Op, I would tread extremely carefully.

She may be suspicious of your motives. She may tell you things you don't want to hear. She may ask you questions you don't want to answer. She may confirm your worst fears. She may encourage you to confide in her. You simply don't know.

And she may feel the same - she might just have a curiosity to meet the woman he didn't marry her for (whatever the time lapse). She might want to hear you rant and rave. She might wonder if you are going to report back what she says.

She is a stranger, possibly a vulnerable one, and at the very least, a ghost from someone else's past who has no involvement in your current life.

As I said on another completely unrelated thread if a teenager or young woman told you she was going to do this, wouldn't you advise her not to?

TalkinBoutNuthin · 06/09/2017 22:42

OP, if you had no history with your DH, and you just met him for the first time, but you knew what he was capable of, would you get together with him?

Original poster
Curtains77 · 07/09/2017 15:58

Sorry for delay ! Offred - i appreciate what you are saying but I have not the stomach for getting out at the moment - it sounds so stupid but I just don't have enough justification right now. Yes we are going through a mostly good period ( except for the odd day here and there ) but nothing physical so surely it's an improvement in itself? I think there is progress and I understand 5 months of separation is not long and of course the dynamics of abuse responsibility and perhaps it was not the right thing to do. It was the first time we had actually separated and to be honest - the fall out was massive for a time. Friends and family tried not to choose sides and now we are together again it makes me feel i cannot really truly talk to anyone - as someone says it's this how of silence thimg. I don't want to make this any harder - DH has worked hard to try and repair relationships and he gets upset if people are still cross with him . Like you all said - it's harder for me in as much as that I am struggling to forgive him . I was hoping the ex ( who has her own family now) would perhaps actually know how I feel right now - just a sanity check and perhaps some insight. I also do have MN which has been a godsend - from when I first asked for help with understanding why I was so unhappy and on through making decision to go, preparation and then at 1am when the police came . Amazing! Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Curtains77 · 07/09/2017 16:02

Sorry shank- thoughtfully put . I will bear it in mind I promise. And tbh talkinboutnothing, the me before I had lived the last 10 years probably would have had the confidence to think - he loves me so much of course we can overcome anything. What a sap 😐 but then again I was a completely different person then .

OP posts:
Original poster
Curtains77 · 07/09/2017 16:04

I have arranged to meet her tomorrow afternoon . I am going with a much clearer idea in my head what I want to talk to her about - if she is as nice as she seems by text then I am hoping it will be ok .

OP posts:
TriHard27 · 07/09/2017 16:07

I don't think you'd much out of it. It feels much healthier to cut ties and move on rather than to dwell on things this way and go over and over old ground. He's not a good one, throw him back.

Original poster
Curtains77 · 07/09/2017 16:09

Ooh and stubbornstains - exactly ! No-one else ever sees that side of him - he is always saying I bring out the worst in him . He said it last night - he was so exasperated he said trying to talk to me is like trying to talk to a pig as for all the sense he gets out of me and he does not have any problems communicating with anyone else - Only I make him that cross. And the kids occasionally. He has also just been made redundant so I do feel a bit apprehensive right now!

OP posts:
Original poster
Curtains77 · 07/09/2017 16:11

Thanks Trihard - I know what u mean it's old ground for her - she even said in a text that it was a lifetime ago - but for me it's relevant to now I think x I undestand what you are saying though x

OP posts:
Offred · 07/09/2017 16:30

So he isn't even in a nice part of the cycle of abuse. He's emotionally abusive and reinforcing the 'you make me hurt you, it's all you' mantra.

Original poster
Curtains77 · 07/09/2017 16:51

Offred - to me , this is a nice part as far as I am concerned. What I don't know is of he will get physical or not. No idea if he has got rid of that bit. And EA is tolerable for moment. That sounds messed up i know 😐

OP posts:
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 07/09/2017 16:57

Well, at least you realise it's messed up.

Did you also notice how messed up it is that he "gets upset if people are cross with him"? Honestly, he sounds like a child. He is making other people responsible for his feelings and his desire to move on is a useful way to avoid a real confrontation if what he did.

Re-read Lundy Bancroft's list of how you can tell he is not changing. That'll give you more clarity than a chat with his ex.

Offred · 07/09/2017 16:58

It sounds exactly like what you would expect from a woman who has been conditioned into seeing abuse as love. Sad

But equally, this is what I mean about the 'delusion'. If you don't think you can leave and you think this level of abuse is acceptable what are you going to get out of meeting his ex?

In reality you will probably do what lipsy did and use her to let off some of the pressure so that you can tolerate staying with him then you will dig yourself even further into the relationship and will need to make her into the place to project all your sad, angry and negative feelings about him.

Original poster
Curtains77 · 07/09/2017 17:01

Ok - perhaps I will 're read that bit . Can be a bit tricky as he is at home all the time x

OP posts:
Original poster
Curtains77 · 07/09/2017 17:07

Gawd - offred perhaps you may be right in some aspects 're conditioning but I have no I'll will towards her at all and no wish to disrupt her life at all . There was no connection between them breaking up and him meeting me. I won't project anything on to her as I would just be relieved I am not mad or bad. I feel i will be dipping in and out of that book for a while ..

OP posts:
Original poster
Curtains77 · 07/09/2017 17:08

Sorry I did not mean to sound rude - what I mean is I really hope and believe I won't do that. That would be very sad indeed. 😔

OP posts: