Is it odd to meet abusive DH 's ex fiance ?

[Curtains77]

Promise to keep it short as MN has given me great advice before ;
DH and I had a separation for 5 months after he was increasingly abusive which resulted in being arrested for assault. Separation seemed to give him a reality check, he went to counselling, so did I, and we have reconciled. His behaviour us definately improved , but I feel quite confused and occasionally frustrated at our lack of happiness. I feel we hate coming round full circle- can't quite put my finger on it.
Someone on here recommended the Lundy Bancroft book and it is mesmerising but it has made me wonder about his ex - I find it hard to talk about anything with anyone as I feel that everyone has their opinion on our marriage and we were exposed and I felt very vulnerable to people's opinions but I now feel i want to talk to her - she may well be the only person who truly understands where I am. I thought hearing her side of their relationship might shed some light on my marriage. Is this a weird idea? Has anyone ever done this before ? Any thoughts greatly appreciated xx

Unfortunately people stay in abusive relationships because the mistakenly judge the quality of the relationship by how it is in the rare good times, rather than the rest of the time or even at its worst. Big mistake as the good times are so rare and the bad times are when you should both supporting each other and being stronger as a result.

So you also feel he wouldn't give you space or privacy to go off and read by yourself?

It doesn't look great, does it?

Why is physical abuse your line in the sand? Is it because it's easier to explain to the outside world?

Yes chatlottelucas I think it is . I don't know why . Peoplee on tge outside seem to understand that more - the investigating police officer could not understand why I would not prosecute but I don't feel it would have been helpful .
And joy - that s exactly it ! To the point that when we do have an actual event or thing that is stressful like when D'S was in hospital for a short time a couple of uears ago, i cried when we got home because I felt happier and more secure in hospital . I told DH it was relief but it wasn't. I just found it so stressful when he stresses if that makes sense ?

You don't at the moment. Neither did lipsy.

The thing if she has recovered from him abusing her and she tells you the horrifying truth (that horrendous shower assault will not have been the only thing, there will be a lead up) eventually in order to continue not leaving him you will need to turn on her. You will have to make her into 'the crazy ex' do that you can avoid seeing him in the cold light of day. This is a normal psychological tactic designed to keep you safer when you live with and abuser.

Lipsy describes it perfectly. She went to the ex with good intentions, she sympathised and supported lipsy to leave, then lipsy went back and the ex became a focus of 'why I am still with him' rather than a person who kept her in reality (that she's living with an abuser).

I don't see the point. He's abusive. You're unhappy. Get rid.

And from the ex's perspective in lipsy's case it was probably quite a traumatic experience.

One of the common worries after finally getting away from an abuser is 'I didn't report him so now I'm responsible for him doing it to other women' it may have been therapeutic for her to help lipsy get away and really sad for her to go back and then turn on her

If you've got away or at the very least got to the point that you see the truth and you need a little push and some support to leave I can see why this might be a wonderful idea.

But you are nowhere near this point. You even see his abuse as him being 'much better' just because he isn't currently being physically abusive. Even that may be happening if he is throwing/breaking things/being aggressive/has road rage etc but your boundaries for what you call 'physical abuse' may be really out of whack because of being with him.

Ok - I understand your points and duly noted. Thank you all so much xx

I understand believe me that it is very hard to leave again after going back and none of this is meant as a criticism of you.

It's just very very obvious that fear is dominating your relationship - fear of staying with him and fear of leaving him, fear of what people will think etc

Yes pwrhaps. Fear and pressure: perhaps that why I feel like I am going a bit mad. I am getting there but I am terrible at making decisions and not ballsy enough . But I will get there x

You will be ok. I'd put money on the only thing that is wrong with you being him.

It is much more likely to be successful (leaving him) if you can get to a point where you see him for what he is, you start recognising his abusive behaviour and are able to predict it fairly accurately. I call it 'living in reality'.

And yes, meeting her may bring you into reality. It does sound like you want meeting her to do that for you but you need to be prepared for being with him afterwards to become increasingly intolerable which puts you at risk of doing what lipsy did and backsliding even further into being enmeshed with him.