What the hell is wrong with me?

[Feellikehell]

NC for this as I have family and friends on here and I’m embarrassed by how terrible I feel.

I was single for five years until April, when I met someone on an online dating site. Bear in mind that it’s five years since I had a relationship, a decent date or a real connection with someone.

We clicked straight away and I thought we were doing pretty well. He told me I made him happy – and he certainly made me happy. We saw each other a couple of times a week, and we hadn’t talked about the future or anything, but for the first time in YEARS I felt wanted and I was having fun.

And to be clear – he’s the one who said at the beginning he wanted a relationship.

He stayed at mine last night and when I got up this morning to go to work, he was completely normal – gave me a kiss, told me he’d see me later in the week He even tried to initiate sex, but I was running late for work.

At lunchtime I got an email from him telling me he’s not been happy for ‘a week’ and that he doesn’t want to see me again. He said he’s ‘leaving before it turns toxic’. I don’t even know what that means.

I’m absolutely floored. I think it’s partly shock – it came so out of the blue – but also, I opened up to someone for the first time in years and this happened. I just feel – I don’t know, confused, hurt, scared. How could I get someone so wrong? What’s wrong with me that everyone I meet dumps me?? What’s wrong with me that I feel so completely crushed after only four months?? And why would he try to initiate sex with someone he was planning to dump?

It’s been so long since I felt like this that I just don’t know how to cope. I’ve been at work all day trying not to cry. I tried to eat lunch and threw up, and I’m actually frightened at the idea of going home and being alone tonight.

We had plans this weekend and now I’ve got to get through the two days by myself. I don’t have many friends and the ones I do have all have kids and partners so I rarely see them. I think this guy made me realise how very lonely I’ve been for a long time, and how unhappy I’ve been. I’ve tried meeting people through the gym, classes, meetup etc and basically it doesn’t work. I thought I was managing ok on my own, but it looks like I was fooling myself – I certainly don’t feel ok now.

I know this sounds absolutely pathetic - I'm totally aware we've hardly been together any length of time. And if I read this post by someone else, I’d think ‘anxiety issues – counsellor – he’s had a lucky escape’. I’m on meds for anxiety, I’m seeing a CBT counsellor and I truly thought we were both happy. Why do I feel so desperate after just four months?? How do I get through this?

Be kind to yourself.
Take your own time to get over this.

He never stopped OLD and found someone else.
Sorry but that's how it goes.
He's an asshole and wanted a quick goodbye fuck before he basically fucked you over again.

He's a cunt.
But it won't make it hurt any less.

Keep getting out there and keeping busy.
What was wrong with meetup.com?

I think you feel desperate bcs you are weathering a brutal strike. Even someone who was up together and resilient would seriously wobble after something like this. So give yourself a break.

Go easy. Look after your sweet self, you need careful handling. The wobbliness will pass, quicker than you think

Be kind to yourself. Fuck him. He sounds like he has commitment issues.
Give yourself time to grieve for this and then move on. Sorry it's not the best advice, it's all I can say.
Sending a virtual hug (do we do that here?!) take care of yourself.

Oh that is horrible, poor you, I agree, be kind to yourself, what a git, trying to have sex with you then ending it, you actually dodged a bullet.

It feels worse I think because your life seems a bit empty, you need to fill it up, never stop making new friends, friends are invaluable, especially at times like this, half the reason folk stay in crap relationships or go back to them is because they have feck all else to do and think it's that or nothing, don't be one of them, build up that social life and have dependable friends for when life goes tits up, as it does, for all of us at some point.

God he sounds awful. I am so sorry.
I can only suggest that time will help.
Try not to let it stop you going out and seeing if you can meet other people.

Thank you, everyone who's replied, for being so kind.

Does he really sound awful? I guess i'm in danger of idealising him and blaming myself somehow - that's what I usually do

I'm trying to think what I'd tell a friend to do in this situation, but hot baths and wine and shit TV don't seem to cut it today. I feel like he filled a gap I didn't even know was there - and now he's gone, it's horribly apparent, and very very raw.

Wouldn't it be great if emotions and logic could work together? If he doesn't want to be with me and as he's clearly not the person I thought he was, it's obviously over. Why does it fucking HURT so much????

oh, and to the PP who asked why meetup doesn't work - I guess I'm just really shit at small talk and meeting people. I've gone along to meetups and either they're drinks things for people to get to know each other (in which case I feel hideously embarrassed at how terrible i am at talking to people) or they're based around a common interest (in which case people just leave straight after the main event). After a while it just got too uncomfortable to keep trying.

It won't hurt forever, it's raw and new, just remind yourself what a git he was and what's this usually you blame you, if you really think that then you will never find anyone good enough OP, that's probably why you think it's more than what it is.

I'd say a good way to get over a man is to get under another but that's not very Mumsnet is it....

I never really feel like i'm good enough, which is why I blame me when it all goes to pot.
Then I met someone who did make me feel good enough.
And now this.
FFS.

You should never look to any other human to make you feel good about you, you need to find that in yourself OP then you decide who is good enough for you!

I fear you will be let down again until you can learn to love yourself and feel good enough.

What a bastard he is. I bet if you could take a look at his life you'd find he's done this time and time again, leaving so many confused women in his wake.

And what does it even MEAN that he's leaving before it gets toxic? That simply doesn't make any sense at all.

You've had a narrow escape. I think you should keep going with the meet ups and just keep battling on. There is someone there for you, but it's not this man.

I know - you're right. I thought I'd done that in the five years I've been single. i thought the therapy had helped.

Now I feel like i'm back at square one. I'm looking at my life and thinking 'yeah, i'm not surprised he dumped you'.

I need a shake.

Oh god stop it OP, he dumped you because he was never serious in the first place; learn from it, remember the signs, the flags were probably there, although subtle.

You only have one life, don't waste it wondering if you are good enough, and it's not about looks, it's about confidence.

Thanks BrilliantDisguise. He was with his last gf for 18 months, and she dumped him. they're still friends. He was with the one before that for four years, and they're still friends. Knowing that isn't helping

And yeah, no idea what the toxic thing means. I feel like I was eating an amazing cake that tasted great, and someone snatched it off me and threw it away screaming 'IT WILL POISON YOU'...
Who knows? He's not the best at communicating in writing, so maybe he's explaining it badly. I kind of feel like it doesn't matter why. I just want to not feel so shit.

He probably means he would treat you in a toxic way. Him dumping you was him doing you a favour.

I am sorry you are feeling like shit OP . I have to tell you I think he has been a complete bastard you are well rid of him my dear . Try to be kind to you and stop blaming yourself , be lad you didnt have sex with the bastard this morning ....arsehole! He would still have left you after having sex with you. If you feel bad now can you imagine how bad you would feel if you had dtd. You are well rid my dear

Adora. Great post and I wholeheartedly agree

I do feel glad about that - I know I'd feel worse. I'm trying to list the positive stuff - I have a decent job that's busy enough to keep me distracted, I have a place to live, I don't have to see him again or rely on him for anything.

Yeah - I'd love to be more confident and not be wasting my life feeling crappy! It's easier said than done though - I need to change the whole way I view myself. It feels like trying to learn a new language.

Have you replied? (Don't, btw)

What a lying tool. Sometimes, you just don't spot them. But you can learn. It means you have to become really very careful - but it does get better.

They should come with a tattoo.

I haven't replied and i've blocked him on social media and whatsapp. I don't want to be tempted to contact him, and i don't want to see what he's doing.

What a callous bastard! What an absolutely cowardly shit. He's been feeling 'unhappy' for a week? But not too unhappy to initiate a shag? I'd concentrate on that if I were you. It's very telling. A man who purposely initiates sex, all the while knowing he was going to dump you and plays happy all the way till you exit the door, gives me the shudders and it should you too. Means he's a controlling, malicious man who cruelly and purposely wanted to undermine your self-esteem. He wanted to dump you and feel superior, and manly afterwards. Conquer and dump.

I understand you're feeling used (that was his intention) and hurt and questioning your judgement, but you have done nothing wrong. You were genuine. He wasn't. Please get very angry and be resolved to not waste anymore time on him. Don't give him the victory. Don't call him, email him, follow him on facebook or try to seek out answers. He'll love the attention. Cut him off and pretend he's dead. Never talk to him again. Any stuff he has at yours throw away immediately.

It will hurt like hell for a while, it really will, but there is definitely someone out there who will treat you with the respect and love you deserve. Consider this an minor obstacle to finding him. And be kind to yourself

Ypu are in no way "absolutely pathetic". At all.
If I were you, I would do two things.

1. Relish how that relationship felt and draw strength from it. You DO remember how it feels to be in a relationship, it felt good, you were wanted. Use it as leverage for priming yourself to get ready for a new experience.
2. Normally I would say just leave him to it, but in this case, I think it would be right and useful for you to text something along the lines of "I'm really gutted, I had a great time with you, but I understand if you're just not feeling it anymore. But if you dont mind, I'd like to know what you meant by "toxic" - otherwise I'm just left feeling like I've done something wrong". I think it's okay to ask that. You might find it useful for closure. Also, thank fuck, he didnt ghost you so theres a good chance he'd reply.

This is definitely a case of 'it's not you, it's him.'

Maybe the fact you declined the offer of a shag this morning was enough for him to decide not to go on with the relationship.

Please don't blame yourself for this, you sound absolutely lovely. He's behaved like a bit of a tosser.There's a man out there who will cherish, love and respect you. Don't waste another second on this one. Delete his number, remove him from all your social media and draw a thick black line underneath the whole thing.

Onwards and upwards!

Thank you all so much. You can't know how uch I appreciate your kindness to a complete stranger. I know there are people on here who are going through awful times - marriage breakups and bereavements, and I'm so grateful that you've taken the time to reply to this.

I really expected to be flamed - four months is nothing really.

Splendidisolation - yeah, I've been ghosted before, and that was definitely worse. I think i'll ask him when I'm feeling a bit stronger, just in case he doesn't reply....maybe by then I'll be strong enough not to care.